“Authenticity is fabulous. Chaos is optional. Microphones are not for kissing.”
-The Gay Ancestors
Light the charcoal. Light the rainbows. Light the disgrace. Light the incense because the gay ancestors are about to perform a spiritual intervention. Today, we gather to discuss President Donald J. Trump. The first bisexual president in American history. And unfortunately, the first president to confuse a press conference with a Pride afterparty. A microphone with a consenting adult. And the Lincoln Memorial with a man he met on Grindr in 2009.
Harvey Milk is pacing like a disappointed dad at a PTA meeting. Marsha P. Johnson is shaking her head so hard her flower crown is slipping. Sylvia Rivera is already halfway out the door to “handle it.” Stormé DeLarverie is cracking her knuckles. Miss Major is sipping her tea muttering, “This ain’t the representation we fought for.” Even the rainbow flag has filed for FMLA.
Let’s be honest. The queer community wanted a bisexual president. We deserved a bisexual president. We manifested a bisexual president. But what we got was Donald Trump. A man in his death‑bed‑confession era who’s wandering around the White House like a bisexual Forrest Gump with dementia. And saying things that make even the microphones ask for hazard pay.
The Bisexual Behaviors That Have Us Mortified
1. The Microphone Incident During a press briefing Donald leaned in. Puckered up. And gave the microphone the kind of attention usually reserved for a Pride weekend hookup. Piper walked out of the room whispering, “I can’t watch this man commit felonies against audio equipment.”
2. The “Sir, Your Ass Is a National Treasure” Moment Coco still hasn’t recovered. She said, “I was licking my paw. Minding my business. And suddenly he’s complimenting a reporter’s butt like he’s judging a drag pageant.”
3. The Secret Service Seduction Tinkerbell reports, “He winked at Agent Rodriguez so hard he sprained his eyelid. They had to call medical.” Stormé DeLarverie is somewhere whispering, “I should’ve been president.”
4. The ‘Daddy’ Debacle Donald called the Speaker of the House “Daddy” on live television. Harvey Milk fainted. Marsha P. Johnson threw her purse.
5. The Lincoln Memorial Comment He said, “Lincoln has big top energy.” Sylvia Rivera screamed into a throw pillow.
6. The Bicurious Budget Meeting He told the Joint Chiefs, “We need to cut spending. But not on men’s underwear ads.” Miss Major simply stood up and left the room.
The community’s reaction included drag queens have issued a formal statement titled: “We Do Not Claim This Man.” Bisexuals everywhere are filing emotional damage claims. Grindr has banned the entire ZIP code of Washington, D.C. The rainbow flag has taken a personal day and refuses to return until further notice. The gay ancestors have formed a committee called The Council of Queer Disappointment. Even the cats have opinions.
- Piper: “He’s giving chaotic Gemini energy and I don’t like it.”
- Coco: “I’ve seen hairballs with more dignity.”
- Tinkerbell: “He needs to be put in a time‑out with no glitter.”
So here we stand, America. Under the leadership of a man who treats microphones like romantic partners. Flirts with monuments. And confesses bisexual thoughts like he’s reading slam poetry at a nursing home talent show. We wanted a bisexual president who embodied authenticity, courage, and queer brilliance. We wanted a leader who honored the legacy of Harvey, Marsha, Sylvia, Stormé, Miss Major, and every ancestor who fought for liberation.
Instead, we got Donald Trump. A bisexual fever dream wrapped in dementia‑era confessionals. Wandering the halls of the White House asking men if they “work out their glutes.” The gay ancestors have spoken. “This is not our king. This is a chaotic bisexual raccoon in a suit.” And honestly they’re right.
So let this be a lesson to America. If you’re going to elect a bisexual president, make sure he’s not in his confused‑grandpa‑thirst‑trap era. Giving microphones a blow job. And calling political leaders “Daddy.” As well as being a power bottom for a Russian dictator and an Israeli prime minister. Because representation matters. And this representation has us hiding behind throw pillows. Clutching pearls and whispering, “Not like this, Lord. Not like this.” Glitter explosion. Cats judging silently. To our fellow family members in the LGBTQIA+ community, I am so sorry this is the example of our first gay president. Go VOTE!!!
Affirmation: I am glittery. Grounded. Guided by ancestors who know better. And protected from chaotic bisexual presidents by the power of rainbow boundaries.
***Don’t forget to watch the video!***
#ThisPuzzledLife
