Equality for All

darnold1975

Light the Charcoal: A Southern Exorcism of America’s Rape Culture

“Rape culture doesn’t survive because predators are powerful. It survives because communities are silent.”

-This Puzzled Life

Light the charcoal. Call the ancestors. Summon the willfully blind Christians. And the politicians who pretend not to hear. We need to talk about rape culture in America. The one our government, our churches, and our “good Christian families” keep blessing with silence, excuses, and casseroles. And yes, I said “blessing.” Because at this point the way folks defend predators looks less like morality. And more like a full‑blown revival service for the unholy.

Let’s be real. The state of rape culture is a national embarrassment with a prayer chain. If any case even remotely resembled the Epstein files in another era, investigators would’ve been sprinting like their pensions depended on it. They would’ve been flipping mattresses. Interrogating houseplants. And subpoenaing the family dog.

But now? Now we’ve got a chunk of society the red hats, pearl‑clutchers, and “I did my own research” prophets. Who are bending over backwards to excuse behavior that would’ve made the Old Testament God pull out the smiting stick. And the churches? The churches are quieter than a deacon caught with his hand in the offering plate.

Pastors out here preaching “love thy neighbor” while refusing to even look at the neighbors who’ve been raped. Abused. Trafficked. Or discarded. Why? Because calling out evil might upset Brother Bob and Sister Brenda. The ones who tithe big and sin bigger. They’re terrified of making their donors have uncomfortable fee‑fees in their tum‑tums.

Meanwhile the Jesus they claim to follow? He would’ve flipped those tables. Reset them. And flipped them again like a CrossFit workout. But modern conservative Christianity? They’re too busy protecting their reputations and their potlucks to protect actual people. The hypocrisy is Olympic‑level.

They brag saying, “We donated clothes!” “We gave canned goods!” “We helped an organization!” But ask them, “Have you gone into homeless camps?” “Have you met LGBTQ+ folks and learned their needs?” “Have you talked to gang‑involved youth?” “Have you gone into prisons?” “Have you sat with a rape survivor and listened without judgment?” The answer is always, “No, but we thought about donating more socks.”

And the truth is this. They don’t want the stories. They don’t want the truth. They don’t want the discomfort. They want selective compassion. The kind that doesn’t require them to confront their own cowardice.

In the Deep South, especially places like Petal, Mississippi, silence is a religion all its own. People will gossip about who bought a new lawnmower. But mention rape, molestation, trafficking, or abuse and suddenly everyone’s got laryngitis. Your own family? They’d rather call you dramatic than confront the truth that predators thrive in silence. And that silence is a community project.

They’ll say, “That was a long time ago.,” “Why didn’t she tell someone earlier?,” “You need to move past it.” Or my personal favorite, “That’s water under the bridge.” Ma’am that “bridge” is built out of victims’ bones. And me a survivor who endured years of marital rape, stalking, gas lighting, humiliation, sexual perversion, coercion, and religiously‑justified abuse is still paying the price while they protect their comfort.

We live in a country where victims are interrogated. Predators are defended. Power is worshipped. Accountability is optional. And “locker room talk” is treated like scripture. People will twist themselves into pretzels to excuse the powerful. Even when over 1,000 children were harmed by the Epstein network, according to released documents. But sure. Let’s keep pretending the real threat is drag queens reading books.

I’ve worked with the hardest populations. The ones society throws away. And I’ve seen what happens when someone finally shows them compassion. The anger softens. The armor cracks. The humanity shows. The tears fall. And the healing begins just like it did with me after years of facing condemnation over compassion.

But conservative Christianity? They’d rather cling to superiority than step into the mess where Jesus actually lived. Jesus wasn’t selective. But they are. Jesus didn’t avoid the “dirty people.” But they do. Jesus didn’t say “somebody will help them.” But they do.

Let the truth rise like smoke. If America insists on normalizing rape culture through silence, excuses, politics, and selective morality, then let it be known, “We will not be quiet. We will not be polite. We will not protect predators. We will not bow to cowardice disguised as Christianity.” We stand on the side of consent, truth, survivors, and actual justice. Not the watered‑down, donor‑approved version preached from pulpits.

And to every person who says, “Why didn’t she leave?” “Why are you still talking about it?” Here’s your answer. Silence is how rape culture survives. And speaking is how we burn it to the ground.

And since we’re already in the deep end, let me go ahead and say the quiet part out loud. I’ve got people in my own family, bless their self‑appointed expertise hearts, who genuinely believe that if they weren’t physically present for the rape, then it simply did not occur. As if trauma requires a witness. As if my pain needs their signature to be valid. As if the only crimes that count are the ones they personally supervise.

Apparently they’ve never heard of how perpetrators keep victims silent. The threats. The manipulation. The shame. The fear. The isolation. The psychological warfare that could make a grown oak tree curl in on itself. They don’t know. Nor do they want to know what happens to a victim’s character the moment she speaks up. The smear campaigns. The disbelief. The “are you sure?” The “don’t ruin his life.” The “you’re exaggerating.” The “you must want money.” The “you’re being dramatic.” The “that was so long ago.”

Look no further than the current political climate. And the biases people cling to like life rafts. Truth is dangerous because truth destroys propaganda. Truth makes people wrong. Truth forces accountability. And Lord knows some folks would rather swallow a cactus whole than admit they were wrong. 

Not all religious people. But let’s be honest about the ratios. This isn’t a blanket statement about every religious person or every church. I’ve met the ones who actually step into the uncomfortable places. The ones who sit with survivors. Walk into homeless camps. Support LGBTQ+ youth. Visit prisons. And show compassion without needing applause.

Those people? They’re angels in work boots. They don’t need a spotlight. They don’t need a plaque. They don’t need a Facebook post. But they are the minority. The majority? They’re too busy polishing their image. Protecting their comfort. And pretending that if they ignore the suffering long enough, it’ll politely disappear like a casserole dish after a funeral.

Most people can’t handle the truth because the truth would force them to confront their own biases. Their own silence. Their own complicity. Their own selective morality. Their own willingness to defend power over people. And that’s why they cling to denial like it’s a family heirloom. Because if they admit the truth, my truth, your truth, the truth of millions of survivors, then they have to admit that the world they defend is built on harm. And that’s a reckoning they’re not ready for.

In my life, I have paid a very big price. And I’m still paying it with every day, every breath, every memory that wasn’t mine to still carry 29 years later. But it got stapled to my soul anyway. Because a culture built on silence and excuses decided my pain was inconvenient.

And this is what rape culture does. It hands the bill to the victim. And gives the perpetrator a coupon code for sympathy. In a world shaped by the likes of Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, Donald Trump, and their other active participants. And a political environment where some people normalize. Excuse. Or minimize harm. I’m over here begging folks to simply stand on the side of consent. Not on the side of “well, boys will be boys” or “that’s just locker room talk.”

Because let’s be honest. It’s not. There’s a whole slice of society that treats sexual violence like a PR inconvenience instead of the life‑shattering trauma it is. A whole slice that will twist themselves into pretzels to defend power, wealth, and status. Even when the harm is undeniable. Be the person who stands with survivors. Not the person who shrugs at abuse. Simply because the abuser is someone you voted for. Prayed with. Or admired on TV.

Be the person who actually says, “No. Consent matters. People matter. Accountability matters.” The alternative is the cultural shrug. The political excuses. The religious silence is exactly how rape culture stays alive and well. And I refuse to pretend otherwise. We’re done whispering. The fire is lit. And my voice is getting louder. Thanks for reading! What are your experiences with this?

Affirmation: My truth is not too heavy. My story is not too late. My voice is not too loud. I am the fire that exposes what others fear to face.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#ThisPuzzledLife

darnold1975

You Can’t Pray the Gay Away, But You Sure Can Expose the Hypocrisy: A Southern Queer Survival Guide

“If your faith requires someone else to suffer, it’s not holy. It’s just dressed‑up cruelty.”

-This Puzzled Life

Light the charcoal. Apparently the courts woke up. Stretched. Sipped their Folgers and said, “Hmm. What if we brought back psychological torture today?” And the conservative Christians said, “YAY! Revival!” Meanwhile, every queer person in the South is standing on their porch like, “Lord, give me strength, patience, and a Xanax the size of a biscuit.”

Down here in Mississippi, we know hypocrisy like we know humidity. It clings. It suffocates. It ruins your hair and your spirit at the same time. And nothing brings out the hypocrisy quite like a ruling that says, “Sure, go ahead and traumatize queer people in the name of Jesus. He won’t mind.” These folks will tell you with a straight face that they’re doing this out of “love.” If that’s love, then I’m a straight man named Bubba who drives a lifted truck and says “bro” every six seconds.

Let’s be honest. This ruling isn’t about saving souls. It’s about controlling bodies. It’s about punishing difference. It’s about making queer people small enough to fit inside their narrow theology and even narrower worldview. And the wildest part? These are the same people who can’t keep their own households together. The same people who preach “traditional marriage” while living like a deleted storyline from a messy reality show. The same people who scream “protect the children!” While ignoring the actual dangers children face like abuse, exploitation, and the youth pastor who keeps volunteering for overnight trips.

But sure. Let’s focus on the gays. Because we’re clearly the problem. Not the pastors who keep getting “relocated.” Not the lawmakers who can’t keep their pants zipped. Not the “family values” influencers who spend more time in hotel rooms than in prayer.

Let me break it down in terms even a conservative uncle can understand. You cannot convert someone out of being gay. You cannot shame someone out of being gay. You cannot therapy someone out of being gay. You cannot “deliverance session” someone out of being gay. Unless the only thing you’re delivering is trauma.

If sexuality were a choice, don’t you think I would’ve chosen something easier? Something with less paperwork? Something that didn’t require me to explain myself at every family gathering like I’m giving a TED Talk in a Cracker Barrel? But no. God made me like this. Curved, colorful, and incapable of pretending otherwise.

You could dangle 45 sets of dangly bits in front of me like a clearance sale at Spencer’s Gifts and I still wouldn’t be straight. But put me in front of some boobs and a cooter cat and suddenly I’m glowing like a porch light in July. That’s not a choice. That’s not a phase. That’s not a “lifestyle.” That’s divine architecture.

If you want to stay in the closet because it feels safer, I get it. But don’t pretend it’s holiness. Don’t pretend it’s righteousness. Don’t pretend it’s “God’s plan.” It’s fear. And fear is the currency of conservative Christianity. I sprinted out of the closet like it was on fire. And I’ve been free ever since. Even with my own family members who weaponize scripture like it’s a Nerf gun filled with shame. I send that mess right back to sender with a smile and a boundary. Chosen family is where the love lives. Chosen family is where the truth lives. Chosen family is where the rainbow was always meant to shine.

Theo rainbow is divine reassurance. It’s God saying, “Relax. I made y’all fabulous on purpose.” No court ruling can change that. No pastor can change that. No conversion therapist with a clipboard and a superiority complex can change that. We are here. We are queer. We are not going anywhere. And we are not apologizing for existing.

So let the smoke rise like a prayer the evangelicals forgot to proofread. Stand tall in your queerness like a magnolia tree that refuses to bow to the storm. Because here’s the truth they don’t want to face. Every time they try to erase us. We multiply. Every time they try to shame us. We shine harder. Every time they try to legislate us out of existence. We become louder, brighter, and more unbothered than ever.

Their hypocrisy is loud. But our joy is louder. Their cruelty is sharp. But our resilience is sharper. Their fear is deep. But our love is deeper. And at the end of the day, when the court rulings fade. When the sermons lose their sting. When the shame campaigns collapse under their own weight. We will still be here laughing. Loving. Living. Thriving. Dancing in the rainbow God hung in the sky as a reminder that storms don’t last forever.

So let them clutch their pearls. Let them scream about “family values.” Let them pretend their closets don’t have motion‑activated lights. We know the truth. You damn sure cannot stop the rainbow from rising. Mic dropped. Floor cracked. Hypocrisy exposed. Amen and pass the sweet tea. Thanks for reading! And Happy Pride year-round. What are your thoughts on this type of ruling?

Affirmation: “My identity is divine. My joy is sacred. And no court, church, or closet can dim the rainbow God put in my soul.”

***Don’t forget to watch the video!!!

#ThisPuzzledLife

darnold1975

We Love Our Allies

“An ally is someone who stands up even when they feel they can’t.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. As Pride month begins to wrap up, I want to talk to you about a group of people that many of us LGBTQ+ people draw strength from. It’s our allies! This group of people are usually straight. But they stand up for different issues within the gay community that continually marginalize us. They are voices that stand up and say, “I’m straight. But your discrimination and hate is wrong.”

Our allies who are sometimes known as “fruit flies,” bring strength to our battles with equality. And they also love us for who we are versus many of our families who love us for “who they want us to be.” I will be the first to say that there are zero gay affirming people in my family. No matter who agrees or doesn’t agree, the gay person is here to stay. And I gladly wear the title of the “rainbow sheep” in the family.

There are those still who say, “We love you for who you are.” But they stand against equality and continue with their homophobic or transphobic comments. That, my friends, is not an ally. You just know someone who is gay. You cannot say that you’re ok with me being a lesbian and then speak out about how my transgender friends are wrong or abnormal. That’s hypocritical. You don’t have to be gay or trans to be active and say, “Equality should be for all and not just one gender or sexual orientation.”

Our transgender brothers and sisters need our support in the fight for their rights to be who and what they want to be. To be able to fight for our country on the frontlines for freedom. And to be able to use any damn toilet that matches the gender in which they identify. They do not want to harm you or your children. Individuals who have or are transitioning do not want to rip your genitalia off or steal whatever small amount of virginity you may have left. They simply want to empty their bladder and bowels.

 I had a friend that I had a close relationship with one time. But when I came out to her, our friendship ended. That is what I call a conditional friend. As long as I was who they wanted me to be everything was ok. But when I told them who I really was, that was not acceptable. It is truly their problem and not mine. That is not an ally. That is an asshole. I know they both start with the letter “A,” and it can be confusing to some.

People have a misconception that anyone under the LGBTQ+ umbrella has an insatiable sexual appetite. And that we are lurking around to force straight people into gay submission. If I know that someone is straight, I will not cross the line by trying to seduce them. It’s call mutual respect. I know that there are creepy people that do that and are ok with that. I would simply call “bullshit” and tell them that it’s very disrespectful. But I know even more straight people who want to pound the gay out of us. It would be like someone forcing me to be straight. And I barf in my mouth just a little at the thought of ever having to pretend that I’m straight again. If someone who is gay comes on to you, simply tell them that you’re straight. Most of the time that is respected. And sometimes is just a faulty “GAYDAR.”

As a lesbian, the misconception that we want to run in and turn straight women gay is an absolutely ridiculous argument. And this is where our allies come into play. They not only love us for our authenticity, but they are also on the front lines of the pride banner to speak up against hate even when we are not around. Allies are another source of strength that can only be found within them. And for this, I am eternally grateful. Beautiful friendships and family relationships can be mended by being an ally.

In my family there are those who when discussing someone who is gay, they spell it. Like “Yea, I collaborate with this guy, and he is G-A-Y!” Let me help put your minds at ease, “You cannot catch the gay from saying someone is gay.”  So, making the statement, “I love you because you’re my child or my family member.” Then to counter with, “Hate the sin, love the sinner” asserts that you hold yourself to a higher level because you know God better than he knows himself. When God actually spoke about loving everyone. And that no one deserves his love any more than the other. Jesus preached about equality and inclusion, not discrimination and hate. And from what I’ve seen in my life, there’s a lot of “cherry picking” of the Bible to satisfy an argument. God’s people are taught to spread his love. But some of them are the very ones who close the church doors when the gay people arrive. And if you are let in there is no shortage of stares and whispers.

If there was ever a group of people who I give the utmost respect, it would be our allies. I have always been one to stand up for the underdog in most situations. And I can promise you that it doesn’t always make me popular in a good way. So, for a “straight ally” to stand up for me and others, you will always be considered members of my Pride family.

A lot of us LGBTQ+ individuals create families among others, because our families are simply too rich in bigotry and self-righteousness to be considered a “safe place” that nurtures love and growth in a relationship. And I live in a “hotspot” of the country that has a lot of judgement and ignorance. They have simply become a wounding vessel and a very rigid group of people that do not deserve the time nor the energy to continue relationships with them. So, we form close ties and bonds with our allies instead.

I have used this phrase many times and it stems from my own family when I say, “If nothing changes, then nothing changes.”  I have to hold my head high, turn around and walk away like a boss. And I walk right over to my ally’s house where love and acceptance isn’t only spoken, it’s shown. You can love me and stand up for our rights as we do. But you cannot say that you love me and think that neither I nor my friends are entitled to the same rights you have. I absolutely will NOT be a part of that in any way.

Thank you so many allies for everything that you do that we never know about. And thank you for showing us what the love of Christ is all about. Homophobes, transphobes, and the self-righteous thank you for showing me who I never want to be. As always, take what you can use and leave the rest. Keep smiling. Happy Pride Everyone!

Affirmation: I will not shrink myself for the comfort of others.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

“Trans Rights Are Human Rights”

“It’s not the child’s responsibility to teach the parent who they are, it’s the parent’s responsibility to know who their child is.”

-Tig Notaro

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away! I hope everyone’s Pride month is going well. There’s just something about Pride month that feels so unique to the rest of the year. To me it’s almost like coming out of the closet for one month every year. The release of finally stepping out of that smothering closet into your truth and say, “This is who I am!” And after the  chaos that can happen, at the end of the day, you can finally sleep soundly knowing that you just set yourself free. You no longer have to pretend that you’re one way or another to appease, yet another, non-affirming straight person who wants to tell you how many different ways that you’re going to Hell. And for my fellow trans brothers and sisters, it can be so much more difficult.

First, you must understand what the term “Transgender” means. Transgender is very simply, when someone has the brain of one gender and the body of another gender. It’s difficult for many to understand. If you don’t understand, then you were never transgender. I’ll admit that I don’t understand everything. But that’s not the point. The point is that the person or people are my friends, and I accept them for whoever they are or want to be. And I understand how difficult that can be. 

Transitioning is so much more difficult than just saying that you’re trans. They go through physical, psychological and emotional changes. Not only do they have to say, ‘I’m different.” They also have to say, “I’m switching genders.” Based on the way that my family reacted to my own coming out, I would rather dive headfirst into a vat of hot lava instead of telling them that I was switching genders. I’m considered “soft butch” and there are a lot of problems because I’m not the stereotypical female.

Let me explain a few things.

· Transgendering behaviors are peppered throughout history in ancient civilizations and cultures of the world. 

· In the nineteenth century, people like Karl Ulrichs began to describe “gender confusion” as being “female psyche caught in a male body.”

· The Early 20th century the Germans began studies and treatments for gender dysphoria.

· In the 1950’s transgender rights in the United States began with Christine Jorgensen’s surgery coming to public attention. 

· 1960’s the term “transgender” appeared and then medical treatments like hormone therapy and gender affirming surgeries became possible.

· 1970’s The very first clinic dedicated to transgender health care opened in Canada. 

· 1980-Present the term “transgender” was popularized and the moment began to build momentum(HRC.org, 2024).

Transitioning can be something as simple as having a new hairstyle, name, pronoun or style of clothing. Not everyone transitions all the way through surgery. Some people have complete top and bottom surgery and hormones. And others do hormones and choose not to do surgery for several reasons. The complete process is individual to the person. And your opinions will not influence this. It’s not about you and your wants and needs! It’s about them.

I wish that some of you could be on this side of the “public bathroom” argument and realize how utterly ridiculous you sound. They want to simply use the bathroom that reflects their gender. They don’t want your precious “dangling genitalia” or your “cooterville.” And equally ignorant is the statement about being dangerous to kids. Let me make one thing perfectly clear, a lot of the time you won’t be able to identify these individuals by just looking at them. The whole concept of transitioning is about change. And not everyone transitions at the same pace. Peeing and pooping happens no matter what your gender. After my own sexual abuse, I would feel safer leaving my children with someone who is transgender versus someone who is straight and religious.

 That does not mean that I don’t love God through my own beliefs. It means that some of the people that I distrust the most are religious people I’ve been around. And no, I don’t believe that all religious people are harmful. I have some very beautiful christian people in my life that have become a backbone of strength for me. But my trauma has taught me since the age of 5 years old to be incredibly careful around people who say they love Jesus and then use that as a weapon to manipulate and hurt others. I watch actions and not religious rhetoric.

And the military argument? Really?! Like what soldier is going to say prior to his/her life being saved by someone who is transgender, “Wait! Drop your drawers. Do you have one a “banana hammock” or a “clam snuggler?” I wouldn’t care and would be screaming, “Kill this ISIS asshole!” And they are willing to lay their own lives down for a country that does not see them as equal or as deserving as their straight battle buddies. Think about that for a second. They are going out risking and laying down their lives for people who live in some kind of world where random acts of violence are conducted by a “Trans Monster” seeking out children and virginities. I have never seen so much stupidity until “Trans Rights” came into question.

If you think coming out as a gay person is difficult, talk to one of the Transgender Warriors. The term “transexual” is a very outdated and derogatory term. A transexual is the same thing as a cross dresser. There are no hormones or surgery involved. And drag queens and drag kings are not the same as transgender. Some do perform as kings and queens. However, transgender is not only when the individual dresses like the opposite gender. I have met some of these beloved and very courageous people. And I can tell you that a lot of people who transition are some of the most appealing and sexiest people on the planet. And don’t think that they have an insatiable sexual appetite like what is assumed by those not under the rainbow umbrella. Trust me, they have standards too.

I will always be an advocate for Transgender Rights. They deserve the same rights as anyone else. And I believe that if they are brave enough to go fight for my rights, then they’re also deserving of the same rights. They are fighting for our freedoms as I sit and write blogs with a cat in my lap. Have the courage to stand up for these people who are even more marginalized than I am. And to all of my trans friends and family, “I stand with you! You are deserving of love and compassion. You are not wrong. You are loved and accepted. And YOU ARE ENOUGH!”

Thanks for reading! Take what you can use and leave the rest. You are Wanted, Needed and Loved! Happy Pride Everyone!

Affirmation: Your gender and authenticity are beautiful.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife