LGBT and DID
“Gender preference does not define you. Your spirit defines you.”
― P.C. Cast, Awakened
I’m not going to get on a political soapbox about LGBT rights. The fact is that, people aren’t going to change my mind based on their beliefs. I’m not going to change their mind about my beliefs. Honestly, being a member of the LGBT community and having DID leaves me in the minority of the minorities. Do I care? Some areas yes, but the thoughts don’t control my life. Does the idea of refusing service to someone based on who they love concern me? Yes and I don’t believe that it’s right at all. However, no one’s opinions about my life and marriage pay my bills, sleep in my bed or raise our son.
My mother gave me some valuable advice my whole life that even as a child I was able to quote. When I would complain about something not being fair, she would always say, “There are a lot of things in life that aren’t fair. The sooner you learn to live with them, the better off you’ll be.” To me, that translates to a very common theme in 12-Step communities which simply means, ‘Living life on life’s terms.’ Abuse is the exception to the rule. Abuse is never ok.
If my wife and son were to go into a restaurant and be refused service because of the makeup of our family, sure I would probably make a scene by making my voice heard. I have no problem defending my family at all costs. Chances are after a verbal lashing from yours truly, the person who refused the service might actually think before making such comments. I don’t know. Maybe try checking with one of the employees at our local library to see what he says. Anyway, my wife and I were taught something even more valuable while growing up in the deep south….the art of southern cooking.
One thing I know without a doubt is that, I’m gay and very happy being my authentic sexual self. I was very unhappy living a life that wasn’t me as a straight female. Some people, including family, have an issue with me being married to a woman even though I was being abused by my ex-husband and very unhappy. You know what…it truly is their issue and not mine. I’m happy being with the woman I love and being treated with love and respect. I don’t regret one day since I ‘came out’ even though I, too, have lost friends and family as a result.
I found my soul mate in one of the most chaotic times in my life. We love each other as much and more than we first met. We have weathered storm, after storm, after storm mostly on our own. So, for us, our relationship was do or die. Melody is truly my balance. Since my diagnosis of DID, life for us has still remained chaotic even when our personal life has been ok. Life keeps pounding us with more and more. What I do know about us as a couple and as a family is that we are incredibly resilient and strong.
Our lives on a daily basis don’t even fit the ‘our plate’s full’ analogy. ‘Our plate runneth over and over and over’ seems to be more accurate. If you need a better description, think of an organization that’s collecting money for some charity and they have the thermometer that’s colored red as the collection of funds climbs. When they reach the top, the red starts spewing out the top. Yea, that’s a more accurate picture of how full our plate usually has been for several years now. Mel and I took a proactive approach 6 years ago to start couples counseling as a way to maintain a healthy relationship. How valuable these therapists have been for us as a couple during all of this chaos. Sometimes, it has truly felt like our couples’ counseling has been the only thread holding us together. She sees her therapist. We see our couples’ therapist. And someday soon I’ll have my own therapist again. Truthfully, I would just like to take a break from individual therapy until our new baby boy is born to give my ‘system’ time to chill.
People can have their opinions about gay rights and that’s fine. I also have a choice whether or not to be a one member audience as well. Sometimes I choose to jump into an already futile and very argumentative effort. Nothing really ever gets accomplished but the usually equally aggressive insults. In the big scheme of things, everyone has an opinion and thinks that they’re right. Laws are changed by the government not me.
I’ll tell you what the most important thing in my life right now…potty training the 3 year old. We also have friends and family in need. I’m looking for a new therapist. And daily, I deal with the horrors that I’ve experienced my whole life. I do my best to try and put the pieces of my puzzled life back together. It’s not that the topic of gay rights isn’t important to me. It’s just that, at this particular time in my life, other things take precedence. I’ve got my wife and son and no government or food establishment can take that from me. Most of the time I just roll my eyes and shake my head.
Every single day the evidence of my life of secretive abuse floods my mind and body. I fight like hell to get out of the bed and to try to challenge my fears and anxieties about life. Life isn’t easy being gay or having DID. Both have their own stigmas and bent belief systems by society. Have your own beliefs and opinions, but you can’t touch our rainbow bubble.
And since the uproar about the pizza establishment has become such a big deal….I don’t feed my genitals pizza anyway.