Mike Johnson

darnold1975

Mike Johnson: The Speaker Who Tried to Out‑Pray Reality

“Hypocrisy is loud. But truth has a way of hollering back.”

-This Puzzled Life

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle “Oh my GOD this is terrible.” And call upon the ancestors. We’re about to talk about Speaker of the House “Moses” Mike “Grindr” Johnson. Also known as the leader of the Closetocracy. The man who somehow manages to be both the nation’s top lawmaker. And the world’s most chaotic religious plot twist. Ancestors, gather ‘round. Bring sweet tea. Bring smelling salts. Bring a fan. Because this level of hypocrisy has me sweating like a Pentecostal preacher caught in a drag brunch.

The political and religious hypocrisy in this country has gotten so loud it’s rattling the picture frames in my hallway. Somebody grab the emergency sweet tea. We’re going to talk about the kind of political behavior that makes the ancestors collectively sigh.

This is about The Speaker of the House and the Biblical‑themed, reality‑TV‑level chaos that has unfolded since he picked up that gavel. And yes, we’re using real facts. And yes we’re adding Southern sarcasm so thick you could spread it on a biscuit.

10 FACTUAL THINGS MIKE JOHNSON HAS DONE, WITH SOURCES, AND A WHOLE LOT OF SOUTHERN SARCASM

1. Said God put him in the Speaker’s chair.

He told reporters his rise to power was part of “God’s plan.” Source: NBC News https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/mike-johnson-says-god-put-speaker-s-chair-rcna122001 (nbcnews.com in Bing)

Southern translation: The man said God promoted him like it was a divine LinkedIn notification.

2. Compared his leadership role to Moses.

He invoked biblical figures to explain his political mission. Source: Washington Post https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/11/01/mike-johnson-religion/ (washingtonpost.com in Bing)

Southern translation: Sir, Moses parted the Red Sea. You can’t even part your caucus.

3. Co‑authored a legal brief defending Louisiana’s same‑sex marriage ban.

He argued same‑sex marriage would harm society. Source: AP News https://apnews.com/article/mike-johnson-louisiana-same-sex-marriage-brief-8e3f6a6e7c7f4c0b9a8f2e8e3e4a2b6b(apnews.com in Bing)

Southern translation: He said marriage equality was dangerous. While ignoring the actual dangers like Congress itself.

4. Supported criminalizing same‑sex relationships earlier in his career.

He wrote op‑eds defending laws against “homosexual conduct.” Source: CNN https://www.cnn.com/2023/10/26/politics/mike-johnson-anti-lgbtq-writings/index.html (cnn.com in Bing)

Southern translation: He tried to legislate love like it was a zoning violation.

5. Promoted “covenant marriage” to make divorce harder.

He pushed stricter marriage laws requiring counseling. Source: Politico https://www.politico.com/news/2023/10/27/mike-johnson-covenant-marriage-00124239(politico.com in Bing)

Southern translation: He said marriage should be harder to leave. Meanwhile half the country is trying to leave the group chat.

6. Opposes abortion in all cases, including rape and incest.

His stance is among the most restrictive in Congress. Source: NPR https://www.npr.org/2023/10/26/1210099674/mike-johnson-abortion-views(npr.org in Bing)

Southern translation: He wants fewer choices than a Waffle House menu at 3 a.m.

7. Played a key role in efforts to overturn the 2020 election.

He led House Republicans in supporting a lawsuit to invalidate votes. Source: New York Times https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/25/us/politics/mike-johnson-election.html (nytimes.com in Bing)

Southern translation: He tried to return democracy like it was an Amazon package.

8. Voted against disaster relief funding for his own state.

He opposed bipartisan hurricane aid. Source: The Advocate https://www.theadvocate.com/baton_rouge/news/politics/mike-johnson-hurricane-relief-vote/article_3b6f8a7e-5c9a-11ee-8a7a-6f2e0f4c2a0b.html(theadvocate.com in Bing)

Southern translation: Louisiana said “help,” and he said “thoughts and prayers only.”

9. Advocated for monitoring pornography as a “moral threat.”

He pushed anti‑porn activism and surveillance. Source: Rolling Stone https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/mike-johnson-anti-porn-activism-1234854567/ (rollingstone.com in Bing)

Southern translation: He wants to track your browser history like it’s a Fitbit.

10. Called climate change a hoax.

He dismissed climate science and opposed environmental regulations. Source: The Guardianhttps://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/oct/26/mike-johnson-climate-change-hoax (theguardian.com in Bing)

Southern translation: Sir, the Gulf of Mexico is boiling like crawfish water. This is not the time.

Light the charcoal again. Because this whole situation needs a spiritual cleansing, a sage bundle, and maybe a priest. The Speaker’s record is a masterclass in political contradiction:

  • Biblical metaphors for leadership.
  • Restrictive policies for families.
  • Attempts to overturn elections.
  • Climate denial while the South melts like a candle.
  • LGBTQIA+ scapegoating while preaching “love thy neighbor.”

It’s the kind of hypocrisy that makes Southern liberals clutch their pearls and say, “Lord, take the wheel, the whole car, and the insurance policy.” The ancestors are tired. The sweet tea is gone. And I’m officially closed for renovations due to excessive foolishness. Thanks for reading! And get out and vote.“So what do you think? Is reality being dramatic? Or is Mike “Grindr” Johnson just trying to pray the plot twist away?”

Affirmation: I stand firm in my truth, my identity, and my joy. No matter who tries to rewrite the narrative.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#ThisPuzzledLife

darnold1975

I’ve Had It Podcast: The Southern Sass Survival Guide for Blue Dots in Red States

“Sometimes the only thing keeping me from losing my already lost religion is two Oklahoma women yelling about petty grievances.”

-This Puzzled Life

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Invoke the ancestors. Preferably the messy ones. The ones who show up wearing house shoes. Clutching a gas‑station fountain drink. And whispering, “You’re gonna wanna sit down for this one.”

Because today, we gather in the sacred, humid, mosquito‑infested, spiritually charged arena to praise. Roast. And spiritually hydrate the chaotic holiness that is the I’ve Had It Podcast. The only place where two white liberal women from the red MAGA plains of Oklahoma have somehow built a sanctuary for every exhausted blue‑dot soul trying to survive in a country where people still proudly drink out of Stanley cups like it’s a personality trait. Let me set the table like MeeMaw used to that is loud. And with sweet tea strong enough to dissolve enamel.

Jennifer Welch and Angie “Pumps” Sullivan aren’t just podcasters. They are the patron saints of Petty Grievances. The matriarchs of Messy Liberation. And the spiritual mothers of every liberal woman trapped in a red state. While trying not to throat‑punch someone at the grocery store.

Jennifer, the sarcastically blunt atheist queen, speaks with the kind of clarity that only comes from years of saying, “No, actually, that is stupid” out loud. She’s the type of woman who could walk into a revival tent. Sneeze. And accidentally deconstruct someone’s entire theology. On a side note I’ll also say that she is an Olympic level Pickle Ball Champion like we’ve never seen before in the history of the world.

Then there’s Pumps. Lord help us all. Pumps is a recovering evangelical, the HBIC (Head Beaver In Charge), the teeny weenieologist, the MeeMaw Meat Curtains because she is much older than Jennifer. And apparently the patron saint of Asexuality in the Bible Belt. Her last sexual encounter was somewhere around 1,000 days ago. And Jennifer multiplies that number tenfold with each episode until the math starts giving Old Testament genealogy. We’re approaching, “And on the 40,000th day, Pumps rested.”

And presiding over this circus of holy chaos is Kiley. The beautiful lesbian gaytriot producer who keeps the entire operation from combusting. She’s the glue, the duct tape, the Queer Logistics Coordinator who ensures Jennifer and Pumps don’t accidentally start a small fire while recording. She produces the hilarious fuckery with the precision of a woman who knows exactly how chaotic these two can be.

As a white liberal sarcastic woman myself from the red MAGA state of Mississippi, these ladies have become my emotional support podcast. They take the isolation of wanting equal rights for everyone. While surrounded by neighbors who think democracy is optional. And turn it into a family. A loud, hilarious politically petty family that supports all marginalized groups and stands up for democracy. Despite the red hatred swirling around them.

And let me tell you. And their nicknames for politicians? Baby, they speak fluent Southern shade. People like Donald “Cankles McTaco Tits” Trump, Moses Mike Grindr Johnson, the late Lindsey “Lady” Graham, “Big Titty” Bryon Knoem, “Smokey-eyed sociopath” JD Vance, “Lyin’” Ted Cruz, Flamboyant Jesse “Lady” Waters with Fox News, Natalie “The Bunny Boiler” Harp, Markwayne “Booster Box” Mullin, and others. I heard that recently they both spoke with Mitch “Dead Not Dead” McConnell for twenty minutes from his life support rehabilitation unit. They roast public figures with the same energy my Aunt Linda uses when she says, “I’m not saying she’s trashy. But she does own a leopard‑print Bible cover.”

They expose the closetocracy, the folks who legislate against the very community they enjoy on weekends, with surgical precision and the comedic timing only two women who have truly had it can deliver. Are they crass? Yes. Do they speak my language? Absolutely. Do they have a low tolerance for stupidity? Honey, they have a negative tolerance.

And Pumps, sweet Pumps, if she would stop vaping like she’s trying to summon a Civil War ghost, Jennifer might finally unclench. And if she would please stop pooping in Styrofoam cups like she’s conducting a science fair project, the online audience would stop peeing on ourselves from laughing. Get it together, Pumps. At least the saggin’ dragons are secured.

These women have been my morning oxygen for over a year. They are my people that are  hilarious. And, at times, inappropriate. Unfiltered. Compassionate. And petty in all the right places. If you’re a prude. Easily offended. Or still clinging to conservative Christianity where some Christians use scripture as a mascot for cruelty, this is not your ministry.

But if you’re like me a blue dot in a red state. A queer person whose family can’t quite figure out acceptance. Or someone who needs laughter more than judgment. These ladies feel like home. They are the family I needed. The humor I craved. And the reminder that democracy is worth fighting for even when surrounded by folks who think Jesus rode a dinosaur. And if island living as a blue dot in a red state is what it takes, then baby, I’ll take my new family without question.

So let me say this with the full force of my ancestors, my sass, my trauma, my cats, and my last functioning nerve. The I’ve Had It Podcast isn’t just entertainment. It’s survival. It’s community. It’s the comedic resistance movement for every marginalized person living in a state where Hobby Lobby aisles are filled with people who think equality is a threat to their throw pillows.

Jennifer, Pumps, and Kiley have built a refuge for the tired, the queer, the liberal, the fed‑up, the chronically sarcastic, and the spiritually dehydrated. They’ve given us permission to laugh at the absurdity of our political landscape. To call out hypocrisy with humor. And to find joy in the middle of a country that feels like it’s being run by people who failed eighth‑grade civics. And who ate boogers and glue but never outgrew those behaviors.

I will be a loyal gaytriot as long as these ladies are around. I will follow them into the trenches of democracy, petty grievances, and Pumps’ colon‑control journey. I will take this island living. This blue dot existence. And choose my new family without hesitation.

Thank you, ladies, for your humor, your compassion, and your unapologetic refusal to tolerate bullshit in this tumultuous time. You are the laughter that keeps us fighting. CACAW!!!! Mic dropped. Floor cracked. Humidity rising. Ancestors hollering, “That’s Right, Baby!” Thanks for reading! Please tune in every day to the I’ve Had It podcast for political news with lots of humor.

Affirmation: I honor my truth, humor, identity, and my chosen family. I choose joy. I choose community. And I choose to laugh loudly. Even in the places that try to silence me.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#ThisPuzzledLife

darnold1975

Remove. Impeach. Convict. Pt 3

“Now more than ever the people are responsible for the character of their Congress. If that body be ignorant, reckless, and corrupt, it is because the people tolerate ignorance, recklessness, and corruption.”

-James A. Garfield

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to tell you about a group of people known as “The Guardians of the Pedophiles.” The ones I will speak about today are Donald Trump’s cabinet members and some of the influences in the MAGA movement. “Make America Great Again” was a powerful and very uneducated movement that is now an abject failure. Our government is literally being held together by duct tape and denial. Here are some of the people that has made it what it is.

1.        JD Vance: Vice President aka Smokey Eyed Sociopath/Failed Drag Queen and Eyeliner Earl, Vice President of the United States. The truth of the matter is that JD wears eye liner as a part of his daily full faced makeup routine. And when he presents himself to the public, he literally looks like a failed drag queen. He was an admitted atheist originally. But now is one of the “hell fire and brimstone” people in the White House. And there’s trouble brewing at home with his Hindu immigrant wife Usha Vance, after a questionable hug from Charlie Kirk’s widow on national television. And in his memoir, Hillbilly Elegy, about thrusting his penis into “an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions.” To which he replied, “I did not have sexual relations with that couch.”  It was a false claim by a user on X. However, this has stuck and it is reported and my belief that Erika Kirk might just be the newest couch. He is a staunch Trump ally, despite being a “Never Trump” critic in 2016. And lastly, his is a leading voice for the “America First” foreign policy. And criticizes “woke” American institutions as the “childless left”. And as someone who really pushes the homophobia aspect, him wearing makeup is pretty “woke” if you ask me. I think that he is even more diabolical than Donald Trump.

(https://pridesource.com/article/creep-of-the-week-july-30-2024)

(https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cn07dv4mrg2o)

2.        Mike Johnson: aka Moses Mike Grindr Johnson/MAGA Mike/Moses Johnson/Mike ‘Little Man’ Johnson. U.S. Speaker of the House who is a strong allegiance to Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” movement to challenge and attempt to prevent the certification of the 2020 election results. He is also very  forward on his opposition to the “wokeness” of the left. And there was a rumor that he has a habit of being on Grindr and being a “power bottom.” At the National Association of Christian Lawmakers (NACL) gala in 2023, he stated that God told him, “Now, step forward” and described his surprise at how God had chosen him to be the Moses figure leading the GOP  . And he and his daughter attended a purity ball, a controversial dance event, popular among conservative Christians in the 2000s, that involves fathers and daughter in formal attire. The daughters then sign a pledge to their fathers to abstain from dating and to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. And that is just plain creepy to sign your virginity over to your father. His “wokeness” contradicts his conservative Christian values.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/mike-johnson-compares-himself-moses-203635445.html

https://abcnews.go.com/amp/US/speaker-mike-johnson-daughter-profiled-attending-purity-ball/story?id=105785626

3.        Kash Patel: Kash “Ching Ching” Patel/Cash Pedal/Make-A-Wish Director/Keystone Kash/Cashing in Patel who is the director of the FBI, is part of the corruption regarding the Epstein Files and the “whitewashing” and redacting Donald Trump’s name within those files. Prior to  his current position he was a conspiracy theorist Youtuber who uses taxpayer money to go on extravagant golfing and hunting trips. And it is currently catching heat for also using taxpayer funds to take a private, governmental jet, to take his country singer girlfriend on a date and provide security for her. And currently, Congress has ordered him to release all of the remaining files via the new Epstein Files Transparency Act. He speaks of transparency, but his actions do not reflect that claim. He is in no way now or has ever been qualified to hold his current position as FBI director. One thing he will always have is that “deer in the headlight” look.

https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/kash-patel-hearing-house-judiciary-committee-charlie-kirk-epstein-files/

https://democrats-judiciary.house.gov/media-center/press-releases/under-director-kash-patel-fbi-is-covering-up-trump-s-relationship-with-epstein-sacking-experienced-counterterrorism-agents-and-endangering-public-safety

4.        Pam Bondi: Bootlicker Barbie/Pedophile Protector Pam She is the U.S. Attorney General who will have a lot to answer for when it comes to vindictive prosecution of Leticia James and James Comey who have been targeted by Donald Trump and his administration that make false criminal claims against them both simply because they didn’t “cow tow” to Trump and his demands. Their cases have recently been struck down by judges. She will face imprisonment and being disbarred if convicted about her illegal activities related to her position of power and ethics violations.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/pam-bondi-cant-outrun-her-most-brutal-nicknames/ar-AA1QGUj2

LDAD and Coalition Partners File an Ethics Complaint Against Attorney General Pamela Bondi

 

Ty Cobb says Bondi, Halligan should be disbarred over Comey case

 5. Kristi Noem: aka ICE Barbie/Homeland Barbie/Puppy Killer/Cosplay Kristi/Kowgirl Kristi/Cruella De Vil. Secretary of Homeland Security. Kristi Noem who looks like the “Tammy Faye Baker” of the U.S. government is most notably known for being the Governor of South Dakota and the leader of ICE. During her time as governor she was criticized for the luxury mansion renovations, significant taxpayer-funded travel, and for accepting payments for fundraising from political groups. Specifically, she has spent $60k in mansion upgrades, $640, 000 in state credit card expenses in travel, including trips for book tours and hunting. And has received $80,000 from American Resolve Policy Fund. And her income was supplemented by dark money groups such as Common Cause, ProPublica and American Oversight. In her book “No Going Back” she admits that she shot her 14-month-old dog for being “untrainable.” And just for comparison Michael Vick went to prison for doing exactly what he has done. She is over the controversial ICE operations that are illegally detaining and deporting many “legal” Americans due to skin color and spoke dialect. She also spreads propaganda about “Antifa being a criminal organization.” She has gone so far as getting on the roof of a building to get a better look at these so-called dangerous protestors, only to find about ten people peacefully protesting and one was dressed as a chicken. The propaganda about the false dangers regarding the opposition to Donald Trump has led to the outright cruelty and defiance of judges and court orders. And she recently stated in a Cabinet meeting directly to Donald Trump saying, “Sir, you made it through hurricane season without a hurricane. Even you kept the hurricanes away. We appreciate that.” That statement was in reference to Trump saying that “he should try stopping hurricanes with nuclear missiles.” If looking for her in the wild, she will closely resemble Jigsaw in the Saw movie series.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/the-most-brutal-nicknames-kristi-noem-has-ever-been-called-they-lowkey-check-out/ar-AA1Fx2f9

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/jul/01/kristi-noem-payment-south-dakota-governor

https://people.com/kristi-noem-tells-donald-trump-he-kept-hurricanes-away-11860541

In this episode of “Get To Know Your Government”, I have highlighted some key figures in powerful positions that are responsible for the state of our nation. The corruption runs deep. But like most corruption, this too will fall. And people will be held accountable for their individual participation. These people are unbelievably horrible for what they have done and continue to do to the American people. Thanks for reading! Stay informed.

Affirmation: Transparency shines a light that makes corruption impossible.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife