“Your mind is your prison when you focus on your fear.”
I woke up this morning just feeling discombobulated for no reason that I can understand. I know that my stomach hurts and I’m nervous to the point of almost being scared. I just have that deep and dark feeling that something bad is about to happen. I check the house for intruders with the toddler by my side thinking we are hunting for Scooby-Doo (doo-doo-doo toddler version). Everything seems safe but very unsettling. I found nothing in the house to signify any breach of “safety.” Marshall, however, did find Scooby Doo in DVD format. So, I get the movie started and take my cannabis wax pen with me to the bathroom just in case I begin to vomit. The buildup of tension has led to another early morning bout of ‘shock and awe.’
The one thing that I have begun to do is listen to what my body is saying. This too is a relationship that includes work. My body, seems to know, even though my mind doesn’t understand, that something feels very threatening. I immediately, go to where my vaporizer is warming up and prepare to take my morning medicine. Scooby-Doo, a superhero toddler and medical marijuana sounds like a good combination to settle what’s happening in my body. After a few good vapes, I begin to feel my body and mind relax.
Ok, back to normal “mommy duties.” But, something still doesn’t feel ‘ok’ about this morning.
Anyway, said toddler grabs two “baby paws” full of fresh, cherry tomatoes from the garden bucket for a morning snack. I’m thinking, “at least he’s going to eat something healthy for breakfast.” I start getting dressed to take him to daycare and begin to revel in the moment of being by myself. I try to ignore the nauseating feeling creeping to a very uncomfortable level. I switch to my wax pen which is much stronger concentration than what’s in my vaporizer. I take a couple of ‘hits’ and within a few minutes the nausea begins to subside. In the meantime, Marshall has taken his paws full of ‘snacks’ and has begun shoving them ever so forcefully into a magnetic bottle opener on our refrigerator. I now have seeds and tomato juice on everything. I cleaned it all up but not before he starts screaming like I just set him on fire. Yes, what he wanted was to keep his squished cherry tomatoes, seeds and juice. I then remember that Marshall is meeting textbook criteria for a diagnosis I call “Chronic, Intermittent Toddler Psychosis.” This disorder is often exhibited most often while out in public. This is when everyone that is around now posts a new Facebook status about a crazed toddler. . My first thought was, “Why didn’t we use protection?” Next thought, “I hope like hell Comcast is working this morning and this child can watch Netflix.” I look over to our modem and “Halleluer! The angels are singing in heaven! I have a signal!” I find Scooby-Doo on Netflix and “Toddler Psychosis” appears to have forgotten about what activated the event.
I vape for a few more minutes just to make sure I don’t get sick while attempting to take him to school. Something is still very unsettling from within. I tell Marshall to come on so we can go to school. I begin turning off all the lights like I was so gently reminded, as a kid, about how ”leaving lights on costs money.” Marshall meets me at the door with a truck in each paw along with his blanket, sippy cup and Scooby-Doo DVD case. Telling him,” Scooby can stay here during the day was not working this morning.” Picking my battles, we take everything he has gathered to the car. I begin buckle him in and we head off to the daycare.
I begin backing out of my driveway, when I feel the ‘weight of the world’ hit my chest like a bullet in war. I sit there wondering if I was dying. My chest begins hurting to the point of tears. I take a couple of vapes off my wax pen hoping for quick relief. It takes a few minutes, but I now feel like I can get him to school. By the time, we start leaving the military base that we live on, I can feel the battle between the chest pains and mmj happening. I start heading in the direction of his school which is only about 5 minutes away from the house. The radio was playing some very familiar songs from my high school days and the seat heater was warm which seemed to be comforting. OMG! I forgot that some schools have started back. The panic has started.
‘There are too many cars. Something is going to happen to you because you can’t keep an eye on all of the people on the road. Everyone is looking at you. Everyone is judging you. You don’t know them, but they know you. If anyone steps out of line with a look or a comment…I’m ready! Be ready for any and everything! Please don’t say or do anything stupid!’
I drop Marshall off at school hoping no one notices how I feel on the inside. What would they think? Do, I look like I’m acting “normal?” So, I throw a few jokes and toddler stories out there for the employees to laugh at while I try to slide out the door without my emotions being detected. I make it out to my vehicle where I just sit and breathe for a few seconds. My body and mind feel like I’m on the run from a serial killer. I notice now that not only is my chest pounding. But, now my back hurts to the point that I feel as though I have been impaled with something. My jaw hurts and the rest of my body feels like everything is cramping.
Brief insanity moment thinking: “Go to Wal-Mart and go shopping.” “Are you kidding? I just barely made it to the daycare to drop Marshall off and stayed alive!” I notice the vehicle going the opposite direction from Wal-Mart. My body feels like I have just been beaten with something. I finally make it back home where all of the anxiety from getting out in public hits me. I now have to have mmj and the toxins (regular medication) to attempt to gain control over my symptoms. I realize that the symptoms from earlier are from the anticipation of going in public. You’ve just witnessed on both the inside and outside what point ‘social anxiety’ has its grasp has on me. All of the physical and emotional symptoms are because of the trauma that I experienced from someone who made the choice not to work on their own trauma.
This is a process that has no time limit. I have 30+ years of trauma to process. Even while writing this, my body still has not reached its ‘normal balance’ after almost two hours since being home from taking Marshall to daycare. I got lucky that I didn’t have to really interact or be rubbed up against like being at a mall. I don’t know about this process. I usually have everything mapped out and I now feeling like I’m going in blind. And that scares me to my core. My childhood coach, Nick Kolinsky, I mentioned in a previous day’s post told me about how a winner plays ball…..”Little things make big things happen!” This is how, I’m trying to face this big challenge before me.