I AM Enough
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”
I’ve spoken recently about a shift that has taken place. And I truly believe that it’s because all the hard work that I’ve done in therapy is finally paying off. I’m learning how to do something that I’ve never been able to do…. Love myself. This process is one that is not easy but necessary. I’ve always been tormented by my trauma and a chaotic system which led to self-hatred.
This self-hatred then bled out into every part of my life especially relationships. But I’m learning to forgive myself for these things and the weight of the world is being lifted from my shoulders and, in turn, given me a sense of peace. I can’t explain how it feels but it’s evidence that I’m healing.
When you go through trauma you develop survival instincts. These behaviors are not always healthy, but they help you to survive. Me and coach have spent many hours working on developing a new way of living. I told her recently that it feels like I’ve just walked through hell with gasoline draws on and it’s the truth. I had to do the work and hold on until the miracle happened and it finally did. I still have days and moments that are difficult, but I can see a better tomorrow only getting better.
All the hateful messages that were taught to me by my perpetrators have been replace by positive affirmations about my capabilities. I don’t just say them. I believe and practice them in all areas of my life. Processing the trauma along with the affirmations have prepared me to make this move back to Mississippi in order to be a healthier mom for my children and for me. What I’ve had to learn is how to accept myself and to be comfortable just being me.
This has truly been a long and will continue to be a process. I have done it. And I’m doing it. I’m loving myself without reservations. I’m also forgiving myself for things I’ve done and how in my sickness I’ve treated people. Some of those relationships have made it and some haven’t. But I know now that I will be ok. Because I am enough just being me.