Tears That Still Drip Sore
“A pattern of raised crisscrossed scars, some old and white, others more
recent in various shades of pink and red. Exposing the stress
of the structure underneath its paint”
― Amy Efaw, After
Sometimes the material and subsequent titles for these blog posts come from out of nowhere. I begin writing and then sometimes I just watch as the words are typed. I’m sort of multi-talented like that at times. Stand in the way of children and teens while they’re attempting to have their input on a blog and well…..it’s just not worth the frustration. Anyway, this is a topic that, literally, continues to resurface. As an angry teen, I thought that I had found something that could help me somewhat contain the intense aggression that seemed to be so foreign and scary. And just like the drug that seems to come along a the perfect weak moment to sweep you off your feet and directly into a marriage with it so, did my razors.
Since the day we met I haven’t found another chemical or behavior that has launched such a false sense of safety and control for me. Yes I have seemingly have a continuous love affair with eating disorders. Self-harm just seems to be in a category of its own that nothing else can touch. I had no idea what this behavior was called but I knew what it did for me. IT just seemed to let the air out of the balloon. Somehow I just seemed to find balance if for that brief moment. Then the shaming comments made by teachers, administration, doctors, friends and family seemed to little bit of sparkle that I had told no one about began to disappear. Some of the worst shaming I’ve ever faced is by those in the medical community. After only my second trip to the local emergency room, as a minor, it would be my last. It was a horrible experience with an uneducated and very judgmental doctor. So even today when I should go to the emergency room, it would take the entire Texas National Guard or me being unconscious to get me there. This is why a lot of us have suffered in the dark. The freedom to openly discuss this topic has never been well received.
Where the scars are embarrassing at times because of the questions asked and assumptions made. In the words of Plumb’s song CUT, “…the only anesthetic that helps me feel anything kills inside.” This behavior is one that was typical of some type of anger or depression. However, now, I can have this compulsion even on “ok” days. The types of emotions that seem to trigger these thoughts are all encompassing. Even in graduate school between classes I would have to go to my vehicle to be able to cut to make my brain settle enough to go to another class.
I begin to feel a very strong paranoia followed by a tsunami of emotion in my gut about something I can’t identify. You try to do what they say to but my feel my face get hot and the voices and sounds begin disappear. I use to see this religiosity of the behavior carried out many times without the fear of feeling the pain. Now, I see and feel nothing. She uses it not as a soothing tool but rather her “cat-o-nine-tails” as her way to enforce her discipline. And this is her way to hold everyone inside hostage from speaking truth. Her raw power and emotion have kept us safe for many years. Her extreme paranoia and impulsiveness continues to wreak havoc and destroy even with good intentions.
She doesn’t understand how to view the world as an adult. She continues to live life and view the world like the one she was created in….FEAR AND CHAOS. Don’t hurt her because she’s incredibly sensitive. But she’ll be the very one to push you as far away as you’ll let her just so she doesn’t have to feel the pain of losing someone else that she’s deeply connected. To be that angry every day takes a lot of energy. I’m scared of her every moment of every day. I don’t take the comedic moments for granted as I completely understand Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and her capabilities.
The next episode I’m able to open my eyes and continue breathing once again. As with any other addiction though, there’s always a bullet with our names on it that we continue to dodge until we can’t. And then….a new statistic emerges for various types of studies done on mental illness. It was done out of love and compassion she thinks. And into the arms of love and compassion she can finally retreat. No more scars. .
And at the very last second the hands and shoulders of compassion are extended. This war torn mind and body slowly begins to trust enough to step off into some pain. Instead of the vision of hatred thought by many, there’s a kid silently crying all alone desperately wanting help. But striking out at anything that moves be it good or bad. SILENCE HURTS.