Things I Have Learned on Psychiatric Units

“It’s good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life.

Sense of humor can save you.”

—Margaret Cho

 One thing that I’ve been able to do most of my life is find the humor in just about any situation.  I’m also really good at roasting myself at any given moment.  My recent blog posts have been pretty heavy in both topic and emotion and I thought that I would lighten it up a bit with some giggles.  Having been in the mental health system the majority of my adult life has afforded me many different and often times hysterical stories about my interactions with staff and other patients.  They are not that funny in the moment but give it some time and I’ll start giggling about some of the asinine situations that I get myself into.

A lot of my trauma has to do with the perception or the reality of being trapped.  So, even though psychiatric stabilization units are, in theory, suppose to help.  They seldom do for me because you are behind the steel doors of “safety.”  The system is so incredibly flawed that even to be stabilized completely destabilizes me further.  I’ve just be blessed with the incredible ability to laugh with other “battle buddies” who are some of my best friends.

If you’re way out of control or having complications related to your particular labeled disorder you get sent to the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit otherwise known as the PICU.  This is where you will see some really odd behaviors and will get a new label as a “poop slinger.”  I’ve also learned through trial by fire how to take care of myself on these units.  And being confrontational where not always the best idea makes other clients and staff rethink the idea of you being an easy target.

Recently, I’ve been on one of these units and others with no success just more funny stories.  With the amnestic barriers that were designed early on in my brain to protect me from the abuse, they just seem to cross over into a lot of my blinking and breathing time.  After looking through some of the material that I arrived back home with I found that my alters had actually been writing a blog about such humorous  instances.  I didn’t have the memories of all listed but they sure do.  Try not to take this blog too seriously as I’ve been able to laugh so much that I’ve almost gotten one abdominal muscle developed as a result.  Here’s a compilation of our experiences on different types of units over several states.

1. When you find someone lapping up water out of your toilet bowl like a dog, this DOES NOT necessarily mean that said “human dog” is friendly.  If this mixed species starts to growl a gentle reminder about how animals are decapitated at the head if the suspicion of rabies is serious enough.
2. When staff asks you if you want to take a trip on the van?  They are really talking about the ATIVAN.  Educate yourself about this drug in high doses.
3. If you don’t drink fruit juices or cow nipple secretions well…..you’re just thirsty.
4. Taking showers minus shower curtains always sucks ass.
5. Often times the only type of material to dry off with after such a revealing shower are pillow cases or your own sweatpants.  Because apparently paper towels are harmful and could be used as a weapon.
6. The food is not really food.  It resembles some form of horse abortion.
7. When meeting with the dietician about the couple of foods that you feel comfortable eating, hummus being my main source of protein, when it arrives and looks like caulking with complementary graham crackers not saltines.  This will not in any way encourage one to eat something that looks like it was recently bought at Lowe’s.
8. The only way to air out a bathroom after someone has pooed is to take shampoo and squirt it around the rim of the bowl.  Because……Poo-pouri is not allowed.  Yelling, “We have a Shituation and need Shitrus Spray!!!” like you’re auditioning for a Poo-pouri commercial gets you absolutely nowhere. However, the other patients will find it quite comical.
9. When cigarettes seem to be your only coping skill germs and diseases no longer seem to matter.
10. There is absolutely no help that is given on these units other than colors “safety writing utensils”, word finds and coloring sheets which has been shown to just increase rather than decrease aggression.
11. Some of the psychiatrists on the units are definitely on the spectrum of serial killers.  You can look at them and tell that they probably keep a jar of human eyeballs or embryonic puppies on their desks as decoration.
12. Telling the staff and/or other patients when you get mad that you will kill them and their entire family NEVER ends well for the one who said it.  This will, however,  ensure that you have a 3 day “nap” courtesy of a shot of “booty juice.”
13. A combination of drugs simply known as “booty juice” given in the ass cheeks of patients that simply will not comply or become too violent has been known to stop zombies dead in their tracks.
14. Scratching incessantly because of hives due to these stressful conditions only make the other patients think you have mange.
15. While entering the psych hospital cafeteria yelling, “DEAD MAN WALKING!!!!” is very comical to other patients it is NOT to the staff.  This makes the whole situation that much funnier.
16. Benzodiazepines will be order just because you’re getting on the nerves of the staff.
17. Being given stool softeners and laxatives in your daily medicinal regimen as someone who has active eating disorders is  just a bonus.  And yes the staff and doctors knew I was actively anorexic and bulimic.
18. Eventually having a “Code 10” on out of control patients so many times a day is like watching the TV show Cops and cheering for the criminal.  It’s just another form of entertainment.
19. You might just meet a celebrity fighter that resembles Mike Tyson.
20. Serving trauma patients red beans, rice and a link of sausage DOES NOT encourage them to work on their sexual trauma.
21. Chest compressions are now an acceptable form of treating panic attacks.

Every Diagnosable mental disorder can be found at some point right here on these units.  You think you’ve seen strange behaviors?  You can’t even imagine the behaviors that are exhibited by human beings.  I hope you’ve enjoyed some laughs and know that these are things that I’ve personally experienced.  It’s really this bad.

#Thispuzzledlife