Wake Me Up When September Ends…..
“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery
I’ve always been told the saying, ‘when it rains it pours.’ Right now, my life feels like a hundred year flood. And for those who read this blog, yes, I did manage to make it through Halloween. It wasn’t easy and I was medicated, but I wasn’t going to miss our son’s trick or treating for anything no matter how painful it was for me.
You may or may not view this as a “pity party” session and well that’s on you. I view this as being able to freely voice my agony which tends to be very cathartic. I’d like to think that this string of painful losses was just for the month of September. There are several events that seemed to congregate in that month. The psychological trauma began many years ago so, I’m not a ‘newbie’ to bad shit happening. Matter of fact, I can usually handle that much better than “normal” life. Why? For many years, that has been my normal.
This year has been one, thus far, that I’ll never forget. The spring brought two suicides. The summer brought the most intense internal and external psychological battle that I think has ever been waged against me. September…..well….it doesn’t have a season because what started then hasn’t stopped even now. There is nothing that could’ve prepared me for when my brother’s wreck that happened and yet he still survived and is doing very well. Less than a week later another suicide that I was directly associated with occurred. Another suicide only a couple of weeks ago happened yet again. And now some concerning news that I must just chew on for the moment.
Have I learned some difficult lessons this summer? You bet I have! September just seems to keep feeding me and my family all kinds of stuff that just makes you shake your head. And it’s not over yet. In the meantime, I start deep work on my molestation as a child very soon. Sometimes you wonder what your limits are and then voices from the past namely Nick Kolinsky and Randy King among other coaches remind me that “A Winner Never Gives Up!” We were never allowed as players to give a half ass effort. So, even now, with tears streaming down my face, what was instilled in me as a ballplayer keeps me going. You just enjoy the good times and prepare for the bad. Things have happened so quickly that life hasn’t afforded me time to catch my breath.
And now I get ready to embark on a deeper more painful part of the journey of trauma recovery that I have yet to experience. I have asked many questions about why I have to pay both mentally and physically for the evil that was done by others. The only solace I can find, at this juncture, is so that I can finally have my voice heard. Oh, there have been people that have said along the years that they were listening to me. Actually hearing what I have to say from a humanistic standpoint, I’ve been stranded. I must admit that some of that is my fault because I kept so many secrets and protected my abusers both out of fear and intimidation.
Those days of fear and intimidation are gone. I survived without your help. People are now going to hear what you did to me. I was once your victim. Now, I’m the warrior about to face you again and again for as long as it takes for me to have freedom.
YOUR worst nightmare
Our Thanksgiving plans consist of going to Arkansas to spend with my brother and sister-in-law and our new ‘chosen’ family. He is then riding back with us to Albuquerque to spend a month with us. Does the universe know that I’m going to need some extra support in the coming months? I would have to say undeniably YES! Big things are going to happen in the next couple of months that are going to be both good and bad. I see nothing wrong with two people wanting to promote healing together. Sometimes all I need is my big brother as comfort. And sometimes all he needs is his equally crazy sister to tell him that things will get better. Nothing but good can come from this. I will not only have my dear son and wife here as comfort. But, my big brother is going to be here to push me in a way that no other person on this earth can do. We also have over 20 years of jokes and laughter to catch up on. So, my dear brother, thank you in advance for the comfort and support that only you can give in the next couple of months.
What people don’t understand about mine and Levi’s relationship is that just being around each other for less than an hour, we already begin healing. So, having a man that I’ve always trusted when I was always told that he was “bad news” is something that I can still laugh about today. He saved my life many years ago and I can only hope to repay the debt one day. The boys/men that I was told I could trust raped and molested me physically and emotionally.
Since, my only sibling has been AWOL since I ‘came out’ as being gay, she made a choice and I made mine. I have two brothers named Levi Pierce and Chris Pierce that I can depend on no matter what. My sibling’s name, unfortunately, has slowly been forgotten. I have a beautiful family and extended family with absolutely no blood relations, no matter what her choices are.
Levi and Chris Pierce and all of our ‘chosen’ family in Arkansas, thank you for loving me and my family unconditionally. Charlene Pierce, thank you for loving my brother and being patient enough to be his wife. LOL. Levi, thank you for staying off the damn motorcycles for this long! I love you and can’t wait to see you soon!