darnold1975

There’s No “I” In Team

There’s No “I” In Team

“Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.”

–Andrew Carnegie

While watching the Word Series vivid memories have come alive. The smell of the hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill blanketing the air. The feel of the cool grass during warmups. The excitement of both team’s players and fans seem to permeate every inch of the park. And the little butterflies in your stomach are attached to the love and respect you have for your teammates and coaches.

We outfielders are warming up by coaches hitting ground balls and pop flies. Then we throw them back to the coaches awaiting our next turn. I soon hear coach Nick holler, “Charlie, that was a $100 catch and a .10 throw! Try it again!” I take another turn and catch and throw with precision. He hollers, “That’s my girl! Good job!”

As game time closes in coach pulls me aside and tells us about the players for the other team. And just before we take the field coach tells me, “Charlie, I’m counting on you and your team is counting on you to lead them. Look alive out there and hit your cutoff man. Keep your eyes on me when you’re running the bases and watch the pitch hit the bat. And let’s get us a win. I’ll be right here if you need me.” I head to my position and soon hear, “PLAY BALL!!!!”

coach

In the time I’ve been in Texas, I’ve taken some of these same lessons to form the “coach/player” bond in my therapy. Coach has always told me that she wouldn’t let anything hurt me, but I had to do the work. I’ve given 110% effort and each time I’ve looked up when I was scared or didn’t know what to do coach was right there to assure me that I’m not alone. She tells me what to do and I don’t question her because I depend on her guidance through the nightmares of my trauma.

She’s seen me struggle with tears in my eyes and the strained ability to take another step forward. But she’s always said, “Dana, I’m right here if you need me. I’m not going to leave you.” Together we’ve been able to work together and now I stand on my own two feet and see life through a new set of eyes. I now have the confidence to be a mom and a wife again. And to see that I can live life with confidence. The work has been some of the hardest of my life but when I need her she’s there.

In a couple of days, I face another scary time and I know she’ll be there. My eyes will be on her, again, to look for her guidance. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and will continue to gain through this work. I’m grateful to be alive. And I still know one thing to be true, THERE’S NO “I” IN TEAM.

A good teacher, like a good entertainer first must hold his audience’s attention, then he can teach his lesson.
John Henrik Clarke

#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Freedom In My Eyes (poetry)

You start a war on your hands and knees

Crying and begging for help shouting PLEASE!

There were days were I was tired and sore

And even more days I could do nothing but crawl on the floor.

But that floor was my lonely highway of healing

Not knowing if I would live through the work because it was so grueling

I was getting some much needed schooling

But hope and determination powered me forward

And the daily work sometimes leaving me scarred

This time I was still leading a team you see

Because the athlete would activate the wolf in me

I was changing into something I would need

But this time it would be the real and authentic me

Coach was guiding me to a beautiful life

Working hard once again to be a mom and a wife

This time I look in the mirror I don’t see tears

For the first time in many years

There are no screams or cries

Because this time I see freedom in my eyes.

darnold1975

Reflection

Reflections

“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”
– Tony Robbins

I’ve just come back from a visit to Mississippi where Mel and the kids reside while I’m in Texas working on getting better. I’ve had a heck of a stay here. One of the many things I’ve noticed is the effect my sickness has had on them and others around me. And, honestly, it’s difficult to see. Coming back to my room, in Texas, a hard and heavy blanket of depression has descended upon me. But also, there’s hope that is continuing to prevail. I don’t know what’s ahead in the future but I do know one thing…. I will continue to accept my mental illness and get better.
Lately, I’ve been very depressed, and anxiety filled about an unsure future. This falls under a term simply known as “future trippin’”. Quite fitting don’t you think? Anyway, I’ve given my worries to the universe in preparation for more hard work and an upcoming surgery. The rest will just have to work itself out for better or worse. The only thing I know to do is to continue to work on my healing and becoming the best person I can.
Recently, my parents, Mel and my therapist who are my biggest supporters and cheerleaders have left me with a sayings and thoughts reminding me that, “I’m the only one who can change my future is me.” Simplistic as this might seem, it holds a lot of truth. No matter what’s going on around me, I’m the only one responsible for me. The future is left up to someone higher than me. All I can do is hope for the best.
I challenge anyone reading this to put aside things you can’t control and to work towards your truth in being the best person you can be. And to leave the future where it supposed to be because it’s not called “the present” for a reason.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift—that’s why it is called the present. Enjoy it.”
—-Alan Johnson

#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Belief Systems And Their Power

Belief Systems and Their Power

“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”
—Tony Robbins

The quote I used is one that stirred my core as I have seen both the positive and the negative aspects of personal belief systems. The belief system that was systematically engrained in me through my perpetrators is one that was meant to destroy me. I had no beliefs of my own. My beliefs had become their beliefs. And year-after-year my mine and body began to breakdown everything about me. My belief system had become one that convinced me that I was no good; that I was too stupid to have my own thoughts and ideas and that I was a mistake as a member of the human race. I was completely beaten down by the many years of these types of beliefs.
And then…. I met coach. She saw the mess that these belief systems had created. And how my passion for living had disappeared. She has slowly been trying to help me change those belief systems and easy it has not been. In every way possible my perpetrators had torn me down and had left the shell of something that used to be a human being. She has working with me with these belief systems to show how totally flawed they are and have been no matter how comfortable they might seem at times.
What my perpetrators didn’t understand was that when they thought that they were burying me was planting the seeds for me to grow. I have worked very hard to try to dispel some of the many false beliefs and there’s still wrought to be done. The words they used to disempower me are being dispel and destroyed. This now leaving room for the healthy beliefs that have been taught to me by coach have taken the reigns and are saving my life. This is just another example of being careful what you say and how you say and convey a message to someone. You can literally make or break someone with words.
Going forward I see myself continuing to strive to get better as I have the many months since moving to Texas. My time is winding down here, but my work continues. As I’ve said before, “I stand firm in the light despite my fears to overcome that which is always hunting me down and trying to destroy me. Didn’t I say not to long ago to not count me out because I’m a comeback kid and one of Nick’s boys?” Here I stand tall looking back at coach and saying, “I’m ready. What’s next coach?!
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

When Hard Work Pays Off

When Hard Work Pays Off

“The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.”
-Émile Zola

The last couple of years working with coach have been some of the most grueling days of my life. I have worked hard to recover from the many years and types of abuse that I have endured. My hard work has begun to show its fruit as I’m starting to make the transition back home to Mississippi and with my family as a daughter, mother and a spouse. Why have I fought so incredibly hard? I have two little boys and a loving wife who have been counting on me to do this hard work. I’m far from being perfect but hardworking I’ve been since day 1.
I still struggle with self-harm, eating and just existing in the world many days. But I’ve put in the hard hours of assignments along with a lot of tears. So now I give myself permission to slowly start making my way back to my family. Each day that goes by is one more day that I miss seeing my little boys grow up and to have an emotionally intimate relationship with them and the love of my life…. Melody.

hard work

Truthfully, I must give a lot of credit to myself for taking advice and putting it into action no matter how difficult. I also know that there are more difficult days ahead as this transition progresses. I deserve to have a life that is enjoyable. The days of staying locked up in a cave called a bedroom are slowly dissipating. I now want to be around people. I want to have a healthy marriage. I want to be a mom that my boys can look up to instead of fear. And my alters deserve to have a life that’s also enjoyable and free from fear.

The days ahead I don’t fear but rather I’m preparing. Everyone deserves to have a life of kindness and the need for being wanted and loved. Not everyone works for that and that is their choice. I wake up every morning and consciously make the choice to get better no matter if I fall while doing this. I just fight harder for both me and coach’s effort in helping me. I’ve been learning to love myself and to let others around me love me. Finally, my heart has opened to allow this. I stand in the light to continue to get better by facing my fears regardless how scary it might be.
#thispuzzledlife

 

 

darnold1975

The Wooden Door (Poetry)

The Wooden Door

You met me as an innocent child
If only for a little while
But even a little was too much
Because behind you is where I learned the meaning of
The word…. crutch.

Twist and turn my mind you did
Until that kid ran and hid
But you awakened that angry child
The one who would live life running wild.

Behind you is where the secrets lived
Because I couldn’t hang around to see what you did
She protected me from things I didn’t want to know
She took all the pain and it would show.

Red, purple and eventually white
That’s the colors of her painful stripes
Your evil would once again score
All behind that wooden door.
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

1993 (Poetry)

1993
September 10, 1993 no one would see you again
How could I comprehend the disappearance of our friend.
I was going to practice while you would be spending some of the
last moments with family and friends.

Now as a parent I just can’t see
What I would do if someone took my child from me.
A broken heart that would never mend
All of these feelings from our missing friend.

Life has gone on and passed us by.
Some of us gone and others still alive.
I will say and beg again please!!!!
Return our friend you took back in 1993.

#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What If No Really Meant No

What If NO Really Meant NO

“So often survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized, or distorted. Writing is an important avenue for healing because it gives you the opportunity to define your own reality. You can say: This did happen to me. It was that bad. It was the fault & responsibility of the adult. I was—and am—innocent.” The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis”
― Ellen Bass, The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

There are things in my life t;hat I continue to hide under a bush away from the light. Mostly because it’s embarrassing to deal with. The sexual abuse I endured has affected my life in ways that I can’t seem to find words for. In my early 40’s I should be in my sexual prime. But instead I sit here getting nauseous at just discussing the topic. My first sexual experience was around the age of 5 years old which is incredibly too young to know anything about that side of life. It terrified me when it happened not once but several times. I hear their words and can still feel them touching me. I still hear the words whispered in my ear. It all burns so bad in my soul that I can smell my charred remains.
Where this is something that I’ve left covered and protected I’m also not healing in this area of my life. I have run until there’s no where else to run to. It’s time to turn around and face it. Coach has proven herself time and time again that she’s trustworthy of this information. Now it’s my time to allow my trust in her to do it’s job.

protect me

Sex for many years has been a taboo topic that most people shy away from unless poking fun. But, even as an adult I was violated aggressively by a person that was supposed to protect and cherish me…….my husband. Instead, however, fear and pain were shown. I allowed him to do things to me that I was against personally and saying, “NO” just made things worse. So, I reluctantly went along as his submissive with total disregard for how I felt.

Me and my alters don’t understand how this process is supposed to feel and be in a loving way uninhibited by young and adult alters who are terrified of being a part of a process that is meant to be one defined by the words “precious and sacred.” I have often said that I “let” people do to me sexually what they wanted. When, in fact, I was saying NO and being told what would happen if I didn’t allow it. So, silently I would lay still hoping and praying that whatever was being done would end quickly.

By the time I met Mel sex to me was a horrible amd very scary word. But, the damage had already been done. The nausea I now couldn’t control which ruined the experience time and time again. The only thing that seemed to save me what the ability to float away. What I did was leave alters in my place further scaring and traumatizing them. No matter how many times I tried this process became automatic. And now one of the most intimate areas of my life has lead to a life of hibernation rather than fulfillment. I didn’t “LET” anyone do anything. They took my pride, self-confidence and humanity. Which leads me to ponder the question, “What would life had been like if No actually meant NO?”

#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What IF?

What If……

“What” and “If” are to words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together Side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for
The rest of your life.”
—Unknown

These are two words that haunt me day in and day out. I think “what if” I had never tasted abuse in any kind of way. “What if” I had never crossed paths with likewise hurt individuals who decided to keep the cycle of abuse going? “What if” my career had never ended? “What if” I had never been exposed sexually in ways that make me wretch at just the thought? What if I had never met Sarah? What if I was never was able to be privileged enough to call myself a parent? What if? What if? What if?!!!!!!
Recently, coach has asked me to think about a few things. How am I exhibiting behavior showing that I’m still a victim and still under the control of my perpetrators? This is a very loaded question. Every day I seem to allow myself to be chained to a past that wants me more than I want it. However, I’m an addict in ever since of the definition and word. I still struggle with eating and self-harm issues. Every meal I skip, every time I purge and every time I engage in any kind of maladaptive behavior, I am still being their prisoner.

change the world

Do I consciously want to remain there’s? Hell no. The addict in me still wants the comfort of the blades and the pain as justification for what they did and for mistakes I have made. God how sick does that sound? These behaviors are what have always been there for me. With them I’ve never been lonely. I gain absolutely nothing more than additional isolation by staying chained to them so why do it?
So now I sit and ponder what life could be like IF I wasn’t still their victim? The only way to look at that is the direct opposite to how I feel living now. I would be one that lived life with passion. Life would be such a gift. I wouldn’t be living life scared and tortured by my memories and feelings. I could live life enjoying being around my wife and children. I would simply be an active member of society instead of a prisoner of my past.
I still have a lot of hurdles to overcome and self-harm in many different forms are behaviors that still stick with me. When the adults ganged up on me? My razors were there. When I was raped repeatedly. My razors were there. When I was put on display to be made fun of a belittled….my razors were there. I get up every morning just to try again. So, if I continue to engage in addictive behaviors and thinking I’ll remain their slave…BUT WHAT IF?
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

The Heart of a Comeback Kid

The Heart of a Comeback Kid

“My comeback was not about winning or losing; it was about the feeling
of being able to compete at top level again.”
—Thomas Muster

I’ve said many times that as an athlete I wasn’t coached to lose. So, losing for me has never been a viable option. In this battle for life losing is still not an option. What is a reality is how tired one can become of fighting for that number in the win column. Giving up is not what I’ve done or what I’m doing.
When I was playing ball, I was always pushed beyond my limits both physically and mentally. Some of this I would do on my own and some would inevitably come from my coaches. Either way this is not an area that’s foreign to me. Truly, I have become quite tired of fighting, but I won’t give up. I have said from the beginning that I’ll win or die trying. I know no other way to view a battle.
I’m not only fighting the demons that I was given. I’m also fighting demons that I’ve created. Years of aggression and not knowing the proper way to overcome things has led me to relying on my own recognizance. This means that inevitably I chose many different things and ways of coping that were and are still not healthy.

I’m currently taking an online class about self-sabotage and recognizing the ways in which I do this in all areas of my life. This might be the only thing I’m doing right currently. But what I am learning to do is to slowly begin to let those things and people that hurt me go. It’s very difficult to free yourself of the chains that bind you. Most of the time we wait for our “jailer” to come prancing towards us with the keys to free us. However, when it comes to dealing with trauma the process is quite different. We must free ourselves as a hostage therefore making it possible to not hold others hostage with a death grip because of fear. I’m doing the best that I can, but I still seem to lose my footing at times.

success

For me the fear is about not having something to catch me if I fall. I have always had a behavior or a chemical close by to help with this. Now, however, I’m attempting to eliminate not one but all of swords that I’ve previously used as power against myself and others. I have used these swords as a means of survival and have managed to cut just about everyone out of my life including myself. I have used all types of therapeutic assignments to aid in this healing. There are those extremely painful events that I want to handle personally with individuals. But this being a situation where the ability to handle it personally is being diminished has let me straight into a state of panic and at times rage. Trying to contain the rage and the intense feelings of disappointment are what I’m trying to soothe by holding on to my destructive ways.

I know what it’s like to be in the position of being captain of a team. I know that other teammates look to me for both guidance and direction. Having a mental illness like Dissociative Identity Disorder assures me that I have other teammates that are looking up to me in this way. They are children, impulsive teenagers and very hurt adults. And, yes, there is one who is “The Athlete.”

This athlete is the one who knows how to set a goal and how to block everything out but that goal while also maintaining the safety of other teammates. The athlete is the one that manages to pick me up and dust me off while saying, “Shake it off. I know it hurts but we have to keep going.” This athlete will also do ANYTHING to make sure the goal is achieved even if it’s harmful to oneself. The goal is to win. She is also a teenager/adult who will protect her own but sometimes her tunnel vision ends up harming those that seem to get in the way of that goal. She is also having to learn how to win in healthy ways.

Combined I am one hell of a person that loves people and loves to win. I won’t settle for 2nd place as this is 1st place loser. And in the game of life 2nd place is also not an option for me. So, I say this…when you look in your review mirror and see someone swerving and appearing to be crashing just remember that I have the heart of a comeback kid. I’ll be waiting on you at the finish line.

“Making a comeback is one of the most difficult things to do with dignity.”
Greg Lake

#thispuzzledlife