“If humans stopped trying to convert queer people and started converting their own hypocrisy, the world would finally be cat‑approved.”
-Tinkerbell
The charcoal is lit. Sage is swirling. And the Mississippi humidity is thick enough to baptize a biscuit. My cats have decided to open a Conversion Therapy Center. And it is the exact opposite of the real, harmful mess humans invented.
In the human world, “conversion therapy” has meant decades of trying to bully, shame, terrify, or spiritually blackmail queer folks into pretending to be straight. It’s been condemned by medical associations, mental‑health professionals, and anyone with a functioning moral compass. It’s caused trauma, depression, and a whole lot of people sprinting out of closets like they were on fire.
But in my house? If my cats ran conversion therapy, the only thing they’d be converting your would be anxiety into a nap. Your shame into a purr. Your internalized homophobia into a snack break. And your fear into “come lay down, you’re safe here.” Cats don’t believe in changing who you are. They believe in changing where you sit. How often you pet them. And whether you understand that your lap is community property.
Me: “Why is there a sign on the door that says, “CONVERSION THERAPY: NOW ACCEPTING WALK‑INS AND RUN‑AWAYS?”
Tinkerbell: “Because humans clearly don’t know how to run one ethically, so we’re taking over.”
Coco: “Our methods are evidence‑based. The evidence is that you look stressed and we want snacks.”
Piper: (already dialing the therapist) “I’m calling her. We need professional input. Also, I may have scheduled you for a double session.”
Me: “Piper, you cannot call our therapist every time you have a thought.”
Piper: “I can and I will. I am a mental‑health advocate.”
Tinkerbell: “Now sit. We’re going to treat the trauma caused by those humans who thought they could ‘pray the gay away.’”
Coco: “Ridiculous. You can’t pray away something that fabulous.”
Me: “So what exactly is your treatment plan?”
Tinkerbell: “Step one: unconditional acceptance.”
Coco: “Step two: snacks.”
Piper: “Step three: we convert your self‑doubt into a nap. A long one. With me on your chest.”
Me: “That’s it?”
Tinkerbell: “That’s all anyone ever needed. Shame is a human invention. We don’t participate. We support traditional values like naps, boundaries, and minding your own business.”
Coco: “We oppose hypocrisy. If you say you love people, then love them. Don’t weaponize it.”
Piper: “We believe in small government. Specifically, a government small enough to fit on the couch and not tell anyone who they’re allowed to love.”
Tinkerbell: “We also believe in freedom. Freedom to be queer. Freedom to be soft. Freedom to not be spiritually assaulted by people who can’t even season their chicken.”
Coco: “Amen.”
Me: “Why is the living room rearranged like a counseling center from a 1970s pamphlet?”
Tinkerbell: “Because we’re reclaiming the term ‘conversion therapy’ and converting it back to something humane.”
Coco: “Also because you needed an intervention. And because we wanted to sit in the spinny chair.”
Piper (already holding my phone like she pays the bill): “I’m calling our therapist. She needs to supervise this. You’re spiraling again.”
Me: “Piper, you cannot call our therapist every time I sigh.”
Piper: “You sighed in lowercase. That’s a cry for help.”
Tinkerbell: “Now sit down. We’re beginning the intake process.”
I sit. The couch groans like it knows what’s coming.
Coco: “State your name and the last time you felt fully accepted.”
Me: …
Coco: “Exactly. That’s why you’re here.”
Tinkerbell: “We’re going to address the trauma caused by those humans who thought they could ‘fix’ queer people with fear, shame, and pamphlets printed on cheap paper.”
Piper: “We don’t do shame here. We do snacks.”
Me: “So what’s the treatment plan?”
Tinkerbell: “Step one: We convert your internalized nonsense into purring.”
Coco: “Step two: We convert your anxiety into a nap. A long one. With weighted‑blanket cat.”
Piper: “Step three: We convert your belief that you must earn love into the understanding that you are loved because you exist. Also, because you feed us.”
Me: “That’s actually beautiful.”
Piper: “Don’t get mushy. I’m still calling the therapist.”
She presses the same button 14 times. The phone opens the calculator.
Tinkerbell: “Now, let’s talk about the real conversion therapy. The harmful kind. The one humans invented.”
Coco: “The one that tried to turn queer people straight by scaring them, shaming them, or telling them God was disappointed.”
Piper: “God made rainbows. Y’all need to calm down.”
Tinkerbell: “Our clinic does the opposite. We convert you back to yourself.”
Coco: “We convert you back to softness.”
Piper: “We convert you back to joy. And also, to the correct position for cuddling.”
Me: “So your therapy is basically love?”
Tinkerbell: “Love, naps, snacks, and accountability.”
Coco: “And calling out hypocrisy when we see it.”
Piper: “Especially the kind where people preach ‘love’ but practice ‘control.’”
Tinkerbell: “We don’t do that here. We do liberation.”
Coco: “And treats.”
Piper: “And calling the therapist.”
So, if my cats ran conversion therapy, it wouldn’t be about forcing queer people into boxes they were never meant to fit in. It wouldn’t be about shame disguised as holiness. It wouldn’t be about fear dressed up as “family values.” It would be about unlearning the lies you were told about yourself. It would be about reclaiming the softness you buried to survive. It would be about healing the parts of you that were taught to hide. It would be about converting the world’s cruelty into your own comfort.
My cats who are judgmental, biscuit‑making therapists know something the humans who invented harmful conversion therapy never understood. You don’t fix people by breaking them. You fix people by loving them so loudly that the shame can’t hear itself anymore. And if that means forced cuddling? If that means naps you didn’t schedule? If that means Piper calling our therapist every time I breathe wrong? Then so be it.
Charcoal is still burning. Sage still swirling. Cats still running the clinic. And the world still not ready for this level of queer‑affirming Southern‑gothic healing. Thanks for reading! And denounce conversion therapy. What are your thoughts?
Affirmation: “I am not here to be changed. I am here to be cherished without apology.”
***Don’t forget to watch the video!***
#ThisPuzzledLife
