Anxiety

darnold1975

Cyberbullying And Suicide

 “Be careful because cyberspace is a two way street those that hunt and stalk and troll can also become the hunted by those that they harass and attack. Cyberspace has a definite dark side.”

Don Holbrook

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy, go away. Today, I want to talk about another reason that people are committing suicide. It’s the inevitable factor of cyberbullying.

Cyberbullying is bullying with the use of digital technologies. Research consistently indicates that there is a strong correlation between being a victim of cyberbullying and increased suicidal ideations. In fact, once study showed that students who are subjected to cyberbullying are 4 times as likely to commit suicide. And a major increase occurred during the COVID-19 pandemic). Another study found that cyber bullying increases suicidal thoughts by 14.5% and suicide attempts by 8.7%. The limitations are since there is usually not just one factor that contribute to suicide (www.nih.gov, 2025).

I can tell you that as an 8th grader adult bullied me where I was supposed to be safe, at school. And though there was no cyberbullying at the time, due to lack of access to the internet, I quickly began having suicidal ideations that have plagued me ever since. When you’re a child, bullying is such a violation and betrayal. And for me there was no way out. So, I had to fight the best way I knew how. Sometimes it was quiet while escaping within my mind. And sometimes, it was through pure aggression. Sadly, aggression was the only thing to make it all stop even for a moment. But the colossal damage had already been done. 

That year of bullying set the precedence for how my life would turn out. I lost all confidence in myself and my abilities. My self-worth was destroyed. And I turned to the only thing that seemed to accept me no matter what my condition. It was addiction. By the time I started high school, I was a full-blown addict of drugs, alcohol, self-harm and eating disorders. And at almost 50 years old, I continue to struggle with them.

I learned that no one was a “safe” person. I learned that if anyone were going to protect me, it would have to be me. I learned that taking the first shot at someone was the safest way to live. I also concluded that no one that I saw as an “underdog” would ever have to fight their own battle again if I were there. I asked for help but was denied. And when I did, the abuse only got worse.

Cyberbullying takes on a whole new level of abuse. And the damage can be irreparable. It’s said and done by people who don’t have to look at you in the face. And typically, most people wouldn’t have the balls to say those same things if done in person. Since our national politics are so unstable, I would venture to say that the amount of cyberbullying would increase significantly. Below are a couple of the cases that I wanted to show you about. There is no way to list them all.

Megan Meier’s Case (2006): a 13-year-old American girl who committed suicide after being bullied on MySpace. The bullying was orchestrated by an adult neighbor, Lori Drew, posing as a teenage boy. The adult was the mother of a classmate. The mother was found guilty of cyberbullying in 2009. However, the conviction was later overturned.

Texas Child Suicide (2023): A child in Texas died by suicide during an online game due to alleged cyberbullying. The suspect lived in Michigan who eventually plead guilty to crimes related to aiding suicide and harassment causing death (www.nbcnews.com, 2023).

In the world that we live in, it is imperative for us parents to pay close attention as possible to what our kids are doing and with whom they are interacting. I do not live under the delusion that it is possible to know everything. I am not God. The only thing I know to do is to regularly talk to my children about the dangers of cyberbullying. And that just because someone is on your “friends list,” doesn’t mean that they are really friends. And that predators disguised as heaven will often put you through hell. And even with that knowledge, I know that I can’t protect every facet of their lives. The very essence of a predator is to go undetected. And to operate in the shadows, often in plain sight.

I hope that you have gained useful information on this topic. I continue to learn each time I blog. And maybe, it’s bringing some type of comfort as I look at these difficult topics. I write thinking, “What can I do to help other parents?” And then, BOOM! Another blog appears. Thanks for reading! As always, take what you can use and leave the rest. Keep smiling. And stay informed.

Affirmation: I forgive myself for believing when I’m bullied it’s my fault because I let it happen, or I was in the wrong place, or I should have known better.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Common Myths About Suicide

“When you feel like giving up, just remember why you held on for so long.”

-Hayley Williams

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk about some myths regarding the topic of suicide. I was first exposed to suicide at the age of thirteen. One of my friends and classmate committed suicide when we were in the eighth grade. As a child, how do you manage that? I can tell you that among all of the major events in my life that has changed me in some way, the day that I lost my friend to suicide will always rank high on my list. I think, though, that the biggest impact for me was how our teachers and school administrators dealt with the situation.

I grew up in the 1980’s when child and adolescent mental health was rarely recognized. And, honestly, my generation was sort of left with the attitude of “figure it out yourself.” Situations that left gaping wounds were merely glossed over. And so, me and other friends and classmates turned to a life of addiction and suicide. As a teen who was being abused daily by a teacher, and the complete lack of protection from the adults, I was forced to just “figure it out.” I did it in total “self-preservation mode.” The behaviors that I developed were not healthy, but they were there when no one else was.

In the 35 years since my friend’s suicide, I have lost a lot more friends. And sadly, I have built walls all throughout my life that continue to help me through my pain. The one thing that has seemed to resonate through the years is how religion constantly attacks those who have been through the most. And I grew up being marinated in the ideology that suicide was “selfish,” “a sin,” “immediate condemnation to hell,” “the easy way out” and the most “self-centered” act known to man. 

A lot of the “indoctrinating messages” I was raised to believe, life made me realize how very untrue and damaging they are and will continue to be. I have been on all sides of suicide. And from a personal standpoint, those beliefs couldn’t be any farther from the truth. Below are a few common myths regarding suicide.

Myth 1: Talking about suicide increases the chance a person will act on it.

Fact: Talking about suicide can reduce rather than increase suicidal ideations. It improves mental health related outcomes and increases the likelihood that someone will seek treatment.

Myth 2: People who talk about suicide are just seeking attention.

Fact: People that die from suicide have often told someone about not wanting to live anymore. And it’s always important to take it seriously. In my own family, these statements have rung true. Or most often, those statements are ignored.

Myth 3: Suicide can’t be prevented.

Fact: Suicide is preventable but unpredictable. Most people have experienced intense emotional pain, hopelessness and a negative view on life and the future. Suicide is a product of genes, mental illnesses and environmental risk factors. Intervention can and does save lives.

Myth 4: People who take their own lives are selfish, cowardly or weak.

Fact: People don’t die of suicide by choice. The emotional pain that they experience makes it difficult to consider different views. Have you ever turned a gun on yourself? I have.

Myth 5: Teenagers and college students are the most at risk of suicide.

Fact: Suicide rates for that age group is below the national average. The age groups with the highest rate of suicide in the U.S. are women 45-64 and men 75 and older. Suicide is a problem among all ages and groups.

Myth 6: Barriers on bridges, safe firearm storage and other actions that reduce access to lethal methods of suicide don’t work.

Fact: Limiting access to lethal means of harm is one of the most straightforward strategies to decrease the chances of suicide.

Myth 7: Suicide always occurs without warning. 

Fact: There are almost always warning signs before a suicide attempt.

Myth 8: Talk therapy and medications don’t work.

Fact: Treatment can and does work. I don’t agree with big pharma for many reasons. I guess, though, “life over limb.” Lives are saved with both therapy and medication. Therapy has saved my life for many years now. But finding the right one to work with can be taxing. Most people who are in the helping profession do help rather than harm (mayoclinichealthsystem.org, 2025).

Myth 9: You have to be mentally ill to think about suicide.

Fact: 1 in 5 people have thought about suicide at some time in their life. Not all people who die by suicide have mental illnesses at the time they die.

Myth 10: People who are suicidal want to die.

Fact: The majority of people feeling suicidal do not actually want to die; they just want the situation they’re in or the way they’re feeling to stop.

Myth 11: Most suicides happen in the winter months.

Fact: Suicide is complex and not just related to seasons or the climate. Suicide is more common in the spring and a noticeable peak on New Year’s Day.

Myth 12: You can’t ask someone if they’re suicidal.

Fact: Evidence shows that asking someone if they’re  suicidal could protect them (Samaritans.org, 2025).

Myth 13: Strong faith prevents suicidal thoughts.

Fact: Many deeply religious figures including biblical figures have experienced suicidal thoughts. The misconception that strong faith eradicates mental despair is false. Faith doesn’t guarantee protection from difficult emotions and struggles.

Myth 14: Suicide indicates a lack or abandonment of faith.

Fact: Suicidal ideation is viewed from different perspectives. Suicide does not inherently mean that someone has abandoned their faith.

Myth 15: Fear of religious repercussions is a sufficient deterrent for suicide.

Fact: For some maybe the fear of divine punishment can be a factor. However, many faith communities emphasize grace and forgiveness, even for those who die by suicide. And personally, I have rarely seen grace and forgiveness on this topic.

Myth 16: Religion or faith alone is enough to prevent suicide.

Fact: Studies show inconsistent findings regarding the protective effect of religious affiliation on suicide risk. It is crucial to understand that faith alone is not a guarantee against suicide and should not replace professional mental health interventions when needed (https://pmc.ncbi.nim.nih.gov, 2025).

I hope at the very least that some of the myths regarding suicide have been explained. My own personal suicidal feelings have been dismissed the majority of my life. And no amount of “bible beating” has ever helped. It has only made things much worse than they already are. And some of the statements made disguised as “help” by family members, are not help. The statements are just toxic. Saying that you have “x” amount of years living and never considered suicide isn’t helpful. Please don’t play therapist when you’re not one.

Put harmful judgments in the trash where they belong. Love and appreciate those that you love. Because it can all change in an instant. Quit making “their” suicidal feelings about “you.” Because it’s not. And always remember, “Just because someone has a smile on their face doesn’t mean that they’re not suicidal.” Thanks for reading! As always, take what you can use and leave the rest.

Affirmation: I am overcoming depression one step at a time.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Purple Rain Strain Review

“The biggest killer on the planet is stress, and I still think the best medicine is and always been cannabis.”

-Willie Nelson

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today’s strain review will be on the strain Purple Rain. This is another “purple” strain as we continue to bring awareness and prevention for those who are touched, in some way, by suicide. Purple strains are usually dark and indica, which is right up my alley. As with most strains, there is typically more than one terpene profile depending on the genetics. This was the one that I tried.

Purple Rain is an indica-dominant strain and a cross between Chemdawg x Purple Candy Kush x OG Kush. Just looking at the “plant family” genetics, I know that both OG Kush and  Chemdawg are strong and dank fuel taste between the two. And Purple Candy, I assume is a sativa because of the Candy.

This strain I wasn’t sure would be what I needed. On inhale it definitely tastes like a typical purple strain with that “hazy” taste. And for me it acted like a hybrid “creeper” strain. But then that Purple Rain began falling down on me and by the end I was so faded. 

Patients report relief from symptoms of anxiety, depression and stress. And I agree. Terpenes in this strain are Limonene, Caryophyllene and Linalool. Probably on of the reasons that the effects came on slower, even at 26% THC. Myrcene is the terpene that can give you that hard “couch lock.” But I have to admit that this is still a nice strain.

Affirmation: It’s called CANnabis not CANTabis.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What Are The Streets Saying? Inhalants

“The National Institute on Drug Abuse states, “The brain of a chronic toluene abuser is smaller compared to someone with no history of inhalant abuse.”

-Neil Rosenberg, M.D., NIDA Research Report

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to discuss something that many teenagers experiment with, inhalants. Abusing inhalants isn’t a new thing. As it was very popular 35 years ago. And when you’re a kid without access to money, getting “high” is just a short walk away to the family utility shed. I’ll give you some facts. And then I’ll tell my story.

First, let me describe what “huffing” is even though it’s self-explanatory. Huffing is the act of inhaling chemical vapors from common household products to get high. And it’s a dangerous form of substance abuse. Even though it might seem less risky, huffing can be even more dangerous with potentially severe and fatal consequences (https://evokewellnessoh.com, 2024).

The primary chemical in many dusters is HFC-134a, which act as propellant and refrigerant. Inhaling duster fumes can be dangerous. It can lead to serious side effects such as liver problems, breathing problems and death. Duster and other inhalants aren’t considered control substances and can be bought most anywhere.

Air dusters also contain other ingredients such as:

·        Difluoroethane can cause heart issues and loss of consciousness.

·        Nitrous Oxide can cause dizziness, vomiting and nausea.

·        Alkyl Nitrites can cause increased heart rate or vomiting.

·        Butane can affect the heart leading to sudden death.

·        Propane which can cause convulsions and loss of consciousness.

Other possible side effects are:

·        heart irregularities

·        unconsciousness

·        irritation of the nose, throat, and lungs

·        coughing

·        difficulty breathing

·        shortness of breath

·        irregular pulse

·        palpitations

·        inadequate circulation

·        abnormal kidney function

·        frostbite of the nasal cavity

·        breakdown of muscle tissue

·        liver damage

·        suffocation due to displacement of air inside the lungs

·        coma

·        convulsions

·        brain or nerve damage

·        bone marrow damage

·        choking on vomit after using an inhalant

·        sudden sniffing death, which is when a person dies suddenly after breathing in an inhalant due to cardiac arrest (https://medicalnewstoday.com, 2025).

Over a fifteen-year period, teens in the US abused more than 3,400 products through inhalation. The age range was from 6 to over 50 years old. Teen boys accounted for 73.5% of cases. Of those with known outcomes from emergency room visits, 208 died and more than 1,000 experienced life-threatening or permanent disabilities (www.poison.org, 2025).

·        More than 22.98 million Americans have abused inhalants at least once in their lifetime.

·        And over the past two decades, less than 1% of individuals aged 12 and older report past year use in 2023. 

·        Inhalants are typically used by younger adolescents, with 4% 8th graders having used in the last year. The peak age is 14 years old.

·        Inhalant abuse is less common in adults but does occur, especially among those with access to chemicals (https://www2.courtinfor.ca.gov, 2025).

·        Only 25% of inhalant abusers tested in emergency rooms had no effects. Most had serious effects or died (www.poison.org, 2025).

Toluene is a chemical found in common products including nail polish, paint thinners, adhesives. It is also used to aid in the production of benzene, other chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and dyes. Toluene can also be found in printing inks, varnishes, lacquers, and some types of glues (www.OSHA.gov, 2025).

Another product that is popular among teens, which can be bought at any “head shop” is “whip-its.” It is nitrous oxide which cuts off oxygen to the brain, creating a euphoric high that lowers mental and physical pain. And it is used to make whipped cream. Using nitrous for recreational purposes is illegal. And you can be fined or jailed for violating inhalant laws (www.webmd.com, 2025). Lock me up!

I’ll be the first to admit that “huffing” was always one of my favorite ways to get “high.” Second, only to pills. It began when I started sniffing White Out. I would cover the page with it and then roll it up and start sniffing the fumes. Same thing went for gasoline. I would put a little on a rag when I filled up with gas. And then held it to my nose and inhaled deeply. All while I was driving. I know. Safety scores are totally negative. And for many years I would quit. Always heavily involved in other types of addictions.

Once the stress of my life engulfed me while I was in undergraduate and beginning graduate school, I would start huffing again. And I found my “main squeeze” in computer duster. Mainly, because it was much cheaper than other things. I was in therapy at the time. And the stress of life and the ever-hovering PTSD symptoms had me huffing every chance I got, especially after therapy. And one day I had left therapy, grabbed my can of duster from underneath the seat and started huffing as fast as I could to get the “incorrect” EMDR effects out of my brain. And when the chemicals hit, they hit hard. Suddenly, I couldn’t figure out how to work my steering wheel. I ran up on the curb and over corrected and spun across four lanes of traffic. Luckily, there were no cars coming. I sit for a second and realized that everything was ok. Still much higher than I should’ve been to drive, I cranked my Honda CRV and headed in the direction of a potential future employer. But during my stupor I forgot to look for vehicles coming from the right as I was about to make a left turn. And the next thing I remember is hearing the horrible sound of glass breaking and a loud boom. My luck had just run out. I had inadvertently pulled out into the back wheels of an eighteen-wheeler. And for a split second I thought, “Wow! This is it. Jesus, I’m on the way!” The next thing I remember is feeling intense pain but unsure where. An ambulance picked me up from the scene. What I didn’t realize at the time was that the eighteen-wheeler had gone over the top of the cab and crashed it in. Nevertheless, I was terrified that I would be getting a DUI. But there was no way to test for an aerosol. So, I vowed to keep my mouth shut. They did do a toxicology test, but an aerosol is from the lungs not the blood. And I would live with battle wounds. I vowed to never touch that stuff again. But I would always carry that little behavior not as a first choice. But still a choice I would always have for private viewing. I thought that I was finally scared of addiction and the dark forces that surround it.

After many of doing without it while engaging in self-harm, illicit drugs, and alcohol, I would begin again while living in Texas for a couple of years. But this time, it was spray paint. They both get you “high,” however, duster can give you a very panicky “high.” If it do it too much, it becomes downright scary. To this day, I still deal with huffing. I know that it’s typically done in teenage years. But that’s when one of my biggest traumas occur day after day. And in many ways, I am still that same rebellious and very hurt teen.

If you know of someone who is “huffing,” help them stop NOW! Because years later they will look up and realize they’re an adult who’s still “huffing,” if not dead. It might seem harmless, but it’s not. I hope some of this educational material will bring more attention to a very common problem with inhalants. Thanks for reading! Take what you can use and leave the rest.

Affirmation: You are not your mistakes

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Watermelon Woooo Strain Review

“Don’t judge someone until you have shared a joint with them.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy, go away. Today, I want to talk to you about a product that I like to call “the total package.” It is a concentrate known as Watermelon Woo! And it is truly ‘watermelon’ every step of the way.

This beautiful strain is considered an indica. Watermelon Woo is found to be closely associated with the strain Watermelon. And it has also been linked to OG Kush. But the exact genetics are currently unknown. The combination of the terpenes makes it taste exactly like a watermelon Jolly Rancher. The Watermelon auto resulted from crossing Tropicana Cookies X Lemon OG. Top terpenes are Linalool, Pinene and Myrcene. Those first two seem to have links to increase anxiety. And I am sensitive to those.

Medical benefits include relief from stress, anxiety, insomnia, pain relief and mood improvement. Even eaten as a concentrate, the benefits are there. And if you are sensitive to tastes, like I am, the taste is very tolerable.

Affirmation: My joints never run. My bong is always clean. My bowls are overflowing with fresh greens.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What Is Narcissism? Part 2

“The Narcissist wants the authority of a king while having the accountability of a toddler.”

-Haryo Aswicahyono

My ex-husband and his brother are both very narcissistic in the way that they manage everything. They are not men. They are boys with very fragile egos that were destroyed by their father. Nothing they ever did was good enough for him. And his explosive anger was the way that he maintained control.

Their was also raised by narcissistic uncles that taught him the only way to raise kids is to beat them into submission. That is also how his grown children operate. If they don’t get what they want, they abuse their victim until submission is achieved. And my ex-husband was that way in every area of his life. Because physically they’re both just broken-down old men who use threats and intimidation. Because they would get beaten physically in a fight. 

Where was their mother? Well, she was an uneducated homemaker for many years. And where was she to go or to do? Her circumstances didn’t allow her to take three children and leave. The services were just not available then. But what it caused was continuous trauma to others. If someone doesn’t put a stop to it then the abuse continues to multiply like cancer until it becomes the norm. Then, they become accustomed to what is now their normal life and anyone who challenges that must pay in whatever way they see fit. 

I finally got enough and left. But his brother’s wife continues to take emotional abuse. I went into my next relationship and the mark of his abuse also crept in. I decided that I was where the effects of his abuse would cease to continue. And it’s been an arduous process the last twenty or so years in therapy. The way I got though life was so distorted once I was able to step back and realize all the damage that he caused. The most difficult part of living through it is that the PTSD that I sustained from his emotional, financial, sexual and religious abuse continues to affect me today. And sometimes the simplest of things are monumental. 

I’m one person who has been through this. And there are millions more people, both men, women and children who are subjected to a malignant narcissist like I was. Will everyone get help that can be so beneficial? Absolutely not. And then the cycle will continue for another generation that are busy building more narcissists. 

Oh, the kids can grow up to be successful in spite of the narcissism. Just look at our president. He oozes with narcissism, and he has a cult of followers who don’t see it either. It is all about his personal gain that is disguised as “Making America Great Again.” Those of us who have been abused by a narcissist can identify the “gas lighting” and “manipulation” a hundred miles away. Because some of the same statements and attitudes came out of my ex-husband’s mouth. 

Narcissists rarely get help because they never see fault in themselves. They are great at dishing it out. But they absolutely cannot handle it being done to them. He very much wanted to be seen as some kind of a “big boy.” However, he had the emotional maturity of a toaster. My sons are already better men at 10 and 13 years old than he is at 68 years old.

So, I ask you, “How do I support someone like that? I’ve already been through its multiple times in my life. And if you really want to find out the total damage that has been caused to me by way of the narcissists in my life, I’ll let you talk to my therapist who continues to see me struggle years later.”  Thanks for reading! Stay educated. Stay safe. And keep smiling!

Affirmation: I resolve to walk away from situations where someone lies, refusing to engage with truth benders or gas lighters.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

National PTSD Awareness Day

“Always remember, if you have been diagnosed with PTSD, it is not a sign of weakness; rather, if is proof of your strength, because you have survived!”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to take time out from celebrating Pride, to give light to National PTSD Awareness Day. This one hit hard as I’ve lived with PTSD longer than I’ve lived without it. And there are so many of us who don’t make it to the other end of the tunnel. It’s an incredibly dark place to wake up to and go to sleep with every night.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) dates back to ancient civilizations and military conflicts. Terms used early on included “combat-related stress,” “shellshock,” “combat fatigue,” and “railway spine.” In the 1800s and early 1900s, the “talking cure: was popularized by Sigmund Freud and introduced in medical literature. And the treatment went from psychoanalysis to electric shock treatment. By the 1950s, the treatments had become more humane. However, now people would not admit to any traumatic symptoms due to the stigma. So, group therapy and psychotropic medications were introduced (blackbearrehab.com, 2025).

In the 1970s Vietnam veterans began experiencing a lot of psychological problems that persisted even after returning home. And survivors of domestic abuse were also included. In the 1980s, PTSD was officially recognized as a mental health problem. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders adopted the diagnosis where it has remained (blackbearrehab.com, 2025).

PTSD is a developed from a traumatic event. C- PTSD when a traumatic event continues for months and years or multiple events occur. The intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, insomnia, avoidance, memory problems, detachment from friends and family, feeling emotionally numb, hyper startle, irritability, trouble concentrating, impulsive behavior, paranoia, severe anxiety, nightmares, suicidal ideations and actions and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. And over time, these symptoms completely devour who you once were (MayoClinic.org, 2025).

I know that PTSD is typically related to soldiers. I am here to tell you that I never went into the military. But the PTSD that I deal with, as a result of domestic violence, grabbed hold of me and has never let go. It has completely stripped me of everything that I used to enjoy. I don’t care about relationships. I question people about their intentions, even if they’re pure and good. I’m constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop. I don’t have typical reactions to being scared. I could see a moth out, of the corner of my peripheral vision, and then jump and scream like Jeffery Dahmer was staring at me and about to take the first bite. I face the stigmas of both friends and family mainly due to a lack of understanding. However, the reasearch information is everywhere. Sometimes others just need to their own leg work. I have come to realize that instead of trying to find out how PTSD affects someone that you love, it’s “the easy way out” to just to be dismissive, embarrassed and judgmental instead. The attitude is “just change X behavior.” Without having a solution, the resounding message of “just make it go away” further ostracizes the person that you say you care about. And so the anticipated glimmer of hope dissipates further isolating the individual. And sadly, can lead to suicide.

PTSD is not about you, it’s about them. It’s just a diagnosis until it’s “you” that experiences it every day. It has taken me down to the point of putting a gun in my mouth. And because living in the abuse was so severe, I actually pulled the trigger after pointing the gun at my torso. It missed my heart by only a few centimeters. Nothing was messed up to the point of needing surgery. But self-harm is something that I’ve dealt with since I was a 13-year-old child. And I had no idea how to deal with all the overwhelming emotions of abuse. In that cold, dark closet where I began to self-harm, and as maladaptive as the behavior is, it worked. It was the only thing that worked to bring me back to complete balance. But the problem is that it became a true addiction issue that I continue to struggle with. And before you ask, yes I’ve done a lot of therapy. It’s not that the therapy doesn’t. It’s that the addiction is that strong. 

PTSD is a true injury on the brain. The brain’s job is to help you survive in any way possible. So, we reach for anything to help calm the barrage of intrusive thoughts, memories, smells and sounds. And once it’s been damaged through a traumatic event, it creates a “work around” solution. What typically works? Self-harm and substance abuse creates almost instant comfort. You don’t have to wait for 6-8 weeks to reach your therapeutic dose efficacy to begin working. It’s an immediate fix that some of have to use just to stay alive.

Cannabis was recommended when all other “Big Pharma” medications failed. And it has saved my life on a daily basis ever since. Cannabis seems to put a cloud over my brain saying, “Settle just for a moment.” And for that moment, I can take a break from the constant paranoia and overstimulation of a brain that wanted to do nothing more than survive. And that, is my battlefield. It wasn’t in Iraq, Afghanistan or Vietnam. My battlefield is everywhere I go. I fear people and social situations in a way that most cannot understand. 

It literally takes me about a week in advance to start prepping to leave my house just to go to pick up medications,that I,unfortunately have to take. But I don’t take anymore psych meds. I was extremely sick, coming off all the meds that I had been begging for over two years to be tapered off. And I got tired of waiting, so I did it myself. I don’t advise this way because it was a really miserable process. However, I was at a point of desperation. And now about 6 months later, I feel like a new human being after the toxic feeling of all the medications. All of my true feelings and emotions have awakened, and I really like feeling somewhat comfortable at times.

My personal opinion is that anyone returning home from the active duty should be handed an ounce of weed the minute they step off the plane to do with as they wish. And it would be perfectly ok if they gave it away. That’s like paying it forward in “Weed-O-Nomics.” As it stands, soldiers come home from a war that never ends. And they are committing suicide at a rate of 22 soldiers a day. And that is less than unacceptable.

As the topic of cannabis continues to circulate among social circles and national politics, I hope that veterans from our military will step out against the shame that is felt from social stigmas. And reach for the plant that can “help take the gun out of your mouth.” Cannabis doesn’t cure PTSD because it wasn’t the one who caused it. But it does make things much more tolerable.

Thanks for reading! Happy Pride everyone!

Affirmation: I am resilient and capable of healing.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Come Out, Come Out!

“Closets are vertical coffins.”

-Robin Tyler

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today I want to talk about one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Coming out of the closet! Holy Cow what a topic! This is a topic that is as individual as a fingerprint. Anyone who has ever had to assert yourself as more than the typical “straight” person knows how very difficult it can be. My situation wasn’t any easier.

Growing up in the deep south of Mississippi you are expected to have a certain path to adulthood. Go to school. Graduated high school. Go to college for more school. Meet and marry someone of the opposite gender. Have children with your husband or wife. Always say, “For the bible tells me so.” And perpetuate this cycle. You are not to EVER consider loving someone of the same sex. But what if you, no matter how hard you try, cannot be straight? Apparently, no one has an answer for that. They just hide behind their bibles and tell you it’s wrong. This was even more pronounced because I live in the “Bible Belt” area of the state. Here’s my coming out story.

I knew at a young age that I was going to be different. I had no idea how or why. I just knew that it was how my life would be. I began having feelings about being gay when I was a teenager. I dare not tell anyone. The best thing I knew to do was keep it all hidden. I wasn’t overtly acting gay. I was just a “homie” to my guy friends. And I never really hung out with the girls unless I was excelling at the lesbian “gateway” sports of basketball and softball. I never really had many boyfriends because I wasn’t attracted to them. This was more out of choice. I just couldn’t seem to connect with any. 

On top of all the tumultuous years of a trauma filled adolescence, I realized early on that I would also have to stuff my “authentic self” into a closet where I would remain until my 30s. I know. It sounds horrible and it was. I’ve always heard, “That parenting doesn’t come with a manual” and I truly believe that statement being a parent myself. But being a gay teen also doesn’t come with a manual. The only thing I’ve ever heard is that being gay is wrong. There was never really any explanation except that the Bible says so as they would claim. The topic about being gay was also attributed to getting HIV/AIDS. Yes, I grew up in the 80s. So for the longest time I thought that if anyone ever found out that I wasn’t straight, God would kill me with AIDS.

I took the bait of a man nineteen years older than me. I don’t really know why because I wasn’t attracted to men. He was incredibly abusive in various ways. And four years later, I would marry him. I knew that I wasn’t meant for him because the abuse escalated over the next ten years to a level that still horrifies me to this day. But I did, in fact, marry a man. I remember thinking, “No wonder everyone hates being married.” I continued in that marriage knowing that there was nothing about it that I truly loved, especially him. I did, however, continue being a wife and my wifely duties.

At one point I asked him, “Why are you being like this to me?” To which he replied, “Because the Bible told me so. I am the husband and you are the wife. And you are to do what I say.” And that was the end of the discussion. He would take this role to a very perverse level, always beating me over the head with the Bible to justify his actions including rape. I would eventually leave him and his abusive ways by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin. And it felt so good.

No more being ordered to perform sexual favors that I hated doing. And many times said “no” only to be told, “that if I didn’t that he would take it anyway.” No more pretending like I was happy in public and then crying tears in private. And it wasn’t just because he was so mean that I left. I just wasn’t “straight” and I couldn’t face another day of living that lie.

Six months later as we are going through a horrible divorce,he and his family’s threats and intimidation were just that. One day, though, I would be introduced to a woman who I knew instantly that I loved. We became very close friends very quickly. And we ended up “uhauling”like most lesbians do. For the first time in my life, I was going to love who I wanted to love versus being told who to love. And it was the most beautiful thing that I ever experienced. She was exactly who I wanted to be with. 

Being a party to a scandalous relationship like the one with my ex-husband taught me “toughen up your skin because one day you will need that lesson to reflect on.”  And I would soon come to understand what all of that meant. I was scared but confident because I felt that my family would understand having gone through hell with the ex. So, we sat with both of my parents and I told them that I was a lesbian and I loved Mel. Yep, that shit went over like “a turd in the punch bowl.” They would make it very clear that saying that she loved me for me didn’t matter. It only mattered that she had a vagina. I would also learn soon enough that the reaction was “because it would hurt their reputation and how that might impact their “church life.” It didn’t seem to matter that I could’ve died in that closet. Because I almost did.

I was hurt but I didn’t care. For once I was becoming my “authentic self”, one piece at a time. We moved away to Albuquerque, NM where we took solace in a lesbian group. Finally, though, we were free to love each other openly. And no one cared. We would go on to have two handsome little boys who call us mommas. And I continued fighting battles within my family over their ignorance. I still have family who won’t talk to me or let me be around their kids because, I guess their kids will catch the “gay virus” from me. And others, who won’t even acknowledge my existence because of how it looks in the family. 

That hard lesson about having “thick skin” is that it has given me the strength to stand up for myself and others in the LGBTQ+ communities as we stand together demanding equality for all. These days there aren’t many people who try to debate those topics because my reputation of being a “verbal sniper” will shut them up very quickly. And my beautiful boys also know that no matter who they love or how they identify, it is absolutely ok. And that hateful things are said by people who stand behind the Bible in order to justify their right to be hurtful. And sometimes people ask you not to show up at the church because they don’t want anyone they know to see those beautiful rainbows. Maybe, however, it’s just because my light will shine too bright for their comfort level. What I had to learn through my process is that their ignorance is about them, not me.

You see, the Jesus I was always told about is someone who loves people no matter what gender or sexuality we are. Because we are made in “his” image. We are not made in his “straight” image. But when I came out, all of a sudden I was told how mad it would make him and how I would be punished. Apparently, there is a different mainline number than what I have in my phone.

I’m sorry. I just don’t believe that at all. I think that God is so proud of me for discovering my “authentic self” because I no longer live a lie. And having the courage to stand up for others who are abused by religion based on their gender or sexuality is not ok. My sons have asked me on more than one occasion, “Momma, how do you know that?” I tell them, “Son, because the Bible tells me so. And LOVE IS LOVE.”

I wasn’t built to live my life in a box or a closet. And neither are you. So if it goes against societal norms and makes me unpopular, then so be it. Keep fighting my LGBTQ+ family. Enjoy being  authentically you. No one will ever have the power to love you like you do. Those rainbows make us look fabulous! Happy Pride everyone!

“There’s no right or wrong way to be gay. No right or wrong way to come out. It’s your journey, do it the way you wanna do it.”

-Tan France

***Don’t forget to watch the video!”***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What Are The Streets Saying?Kratom

“Recovery is hard. Regret is harder.”

-Brittany Burgunder

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Are you wondering what’s the big deal with Kratom? You may not even know what Kratom is. Today, I will tell you why there’s so many things in the news about upcoming legislation.

Kratom is pronounced (Cray-tom)Kratom is a tree native to Southeast Asia. The ground leaves, when consumed in low doses, acts as a stimulant. And in high doses function as a sedative and can lead to psychotic symptoms and both psychological and physical dependence. Kratom contains two major psychoactive ingredients mitragynine and 7-hydroxymytragynine. The leaves are powdered and can then be smoked, brewed with tea, gel capsules or mixed into a liquid. Or the leaves can be chewed. It can also lead to addiction. 

There have been several cases of psychosis and symptoms including hallucinations, delusion and confusion upon use. The effects on the body include nausea, itching, sweating, dry mouth, constipation, increased urination, tachycardia, vomiting, drowsiness and loss of appetite. Users have also experienced anorexia, weight loss, insomnia, hepatoxicity, seizure and hallucinations (getsmartaboutdrugs.gov, 2024).

I used Kratom for a while to help with chronic pain. And I have to admit that it helped. When I used it, I would mix a spoonful into some orange juice and drink it. The taste is extremely bitter. And overall, I just didn’t like the way that it made me feel. I never became addicted to this substance. I can understand why people can become addicted to it. All you have to do is look at the list of side effects to realize that those same type of signs and symptoms are related to opiate use. And some people believe that Kratom is, in fact, an opiate needing some type of legislation.

Kratom supporters argue that it is helpful for chronic pain and  opiate addicts. And I personally can’t deny those facts. And with it also being a plant, some people argue that it’s safe like cannabis. It is not. Kratom can actually lead to overdose death. Cannabis has yet to have a casualty. I don’t think that it’s completely horrible. I do think that it’s a substance that needs to be used with caution. And I also don’t believe that minors should be allowed to buy it legally. Kids just don’t use it in moderation and always look to just get high. And there have been deaths associated with its use.

There are several countries that have also banned the  possession and use of kratom. These countries include: 

§  Australia

§  Finland

§  Denmark

§  Japan

§  Isreal

§  Malaysia

§  Lithuania

§  Latvia

§  Myanmar

§  Russia

§  Poland 

§  Romania

§  South Korea

§  Singapore

§  Thailand

§  Vietnam

§  New Zealand (bicyclehealth.com, 2024).

As with most substances like this, the FDA does not approve of it. And unlike cannabis, there are no safety measures that have been set in place for regulation. There is no testing of the product to identify pesticides, molds or any cutting substances. Therefore, you have absolutely no idea what has been mixed in with this plant. And for this reason, I agree that that testing should be required prior to the sale. 

The DEA currently has Kratom listed as a “drug of concern.” And it will be scheduled under the Substance Abuse Act. The DEA also stated that they will seek to list Kratom as a Schedule 1 drug which has a high potential for abuse and no currently accepted medical use. And a lack of accepted safety for use under medical supervision (dea.gov, 2016) Currently, individual states have launched their own legislation regarding this substance.

The Six states that have already banned kratom are: Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Rhode Island, Vermont and Wisconsin. Other states have enacted legislation about minimum age requirements like nicotine and alcohol. The safest thing to do is to read about the risks involved and make your own decision. And check current legislation in your state for its legal status. Be careful if you have a history of addiction.

If you have minor teens or children, do not let them take this substance. This should only be allowed for adults. Enjoy it while you can. Because this is another substance that will eventually be banned throughout the country. Where it might have been initially used legitimately for years, the substance has proven to be deadly on all  fronts. Thanks for reading! Take what you can and leave the rest.

Affirmation: You are stronger than your temptation.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Cannabis Products (Edibles)

“Edibles kick in when they hear you talking crap about them.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about another type of cannabis product known as edibles. The quote I picked describes exactly what my first experience with edibles was like. I’ll explain what edibles are and then tell you the story.

Edibles themselves are just food or other consumable products infused with cannabis. The way that this happens is that cannabis has to be heated to a temperature that releases the THC and other cannabinoids. And they also must have a binding agent that is typically done with butane, alcohol, oil or butter. And then the resulting product can be incorporated into just about any type of products like brownies, gummies, beverages or favorite dessert. The information to remember is that edibles take much longer to begin working, somewhere between 2-3 hours. Unless eaten on an empty stomach which will cause them to take effect at around 45 minutes. The effects last much longer than smoking. This is where people tend to ingest too much. Because they think that the product is not working. It takes longer to go through the digestive system and then into the bloodstream.

 The only frame of reference I had about weed was the kind that I smoked occasionally in high school. And it wasn’t good and clean. It was junk. But, it was all I had. Where some of my classmate’s mom would make “party” brownies, I was never around them to experience that. 

While I was living in Albuquerque I got my first medical marijuana card. I got comfortable smoking the flower and headed in the direction of edibles. I saw on the dispensary menu that trail mix was available. I didn’t ask questions. I just bought it and took it home. We were taking Marshall to a pumpkin patch that would be an all day event. And I knew with my PTSD that the process would be very stressful for me. We begin getting ready and I start eating the food. I thought that you were supposed to eat the entire thing. So I did.

We needed to stop by Dollar Tree for a couple of things. I dropped Mel off while I waited in the car with Marshall. I didn’t have a whole lot of faith that the edible would work. It had been about an hours since I had eaten it on an empty stomach. By the time Mel finished shopping and came back to our vehicle, I told her, “Oh shit! Mel something is wrong!” Surprised that I was upset, she said, “What’s the matter?” I said, “I can’t feel my butt.” She asked, “Can you drive?” I told her, “Ummm..HELL NO!” I kept getting higher and higher. And then I got scared. The level of anxiety was “out of this world.” I knew one thing for sure, that experimental day would be one where a hard lesson would be learned. All I could do was think. But, I couldn’t seem to form many sentences. And walking didn’t even feel normal.

I began praying to the cannabis gods for mercy. And they didn’t seem to listen. I spent the entire day and evening lit as hell. For sixteen hours, I was higher than I have ever been. I didn’t get sick in any way. But I had to endure that horrible mistake. I went back to the dispensary the following Monday and told them what had happened. They chuckled and said, “You’re not supposed to eat the entire thing in one sitting.” I said, “Well it was only about ½ cup of the mixture.” They told me, “That was made with a concentrated cannabis oil that was infused in the trail mix.” I told them, “Ok. Well lesson learned.” and I left. Needless to say, I have never done that since. 

If you over smoke or over dab you can recline your chair, and within about 45 minutes to a couple of hours, you come back down to earth. However, if you overdo it with an edible, you are just at its mercy. You cannot interrupt the process in any way. I say this so that you don’t make the same mistake. I have seen people eat two or three edibles at a time and I just look at them like they have lost their minds. I would tell them, “You’re going to regret doing that.” And sure enough, right after they talk crap about not feeling anything, they get so high that the experience becomes a miserable existence.

I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, at the time, which is miserable in any respect. Every morning I would eat about a fourth of an edible, as a part of my regimen, and the symptoms were almost non-existent. I continued doing this for the next two years. And I haven’t had any symptoms of IBS since. I no longer take any kind of medication for that issue. My IBS is gone.  

The drawback to using edibles is that they can spoil. So if it’s not a product that you can freeze and will end up going bad before you’re able to eat them, then you can potentially lose a lot of money. Products like gummies have a much longer shelf life. Some people don’t like smoking or have lung issues that prevent them from being able to smoke. And for those that have digestive problems, I have found that smoking really isn’t a good way to manage symptoms. Edibles are powerful and coat the digestive tract and they work! Just do them in moderation.

There are all types of different products including colas, gums, chocolates, hard candies and ice cream. The cannabis taste is the terpenes in the product. Since I am very sensitive to tastes, I tend to go with edibles with a much milder taste. One of the best items to use is cannabis butter which can be added to just about any meal. Mel would make red bean and rice and then add about a teaspoon of cannabis butter to my portion. And trust me that is all you need. Not a tablespoon.

If you want a nice peaceful rest for nighttime,get you some cannabis butter that is heavily infused with indica strains. You will rest and be almost pain free. If you still don’t like that option because of the high feeling, then opt for cannabis butter that is infused with high CBD, low THC strains. 

Gummies are usually sold as 10 mg pieces. There are typically about 10 pieces to a pack. And to begin with you can get pretty lit on the dosage. You don’t have to get the 500mg candies that you see people eating on social media. They are idiots. But to each his own, right? There are so many flavors and foods that are available. Try as many different ones as you can and enjoy the ride!

I hope this blog has provided you with some information that can help you make informed decisions regarding these types of products. Thanks for reading! Keep up the blazing!

“The edibles have kicked in.”

-Unknown

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife