“I didn’t grow up in the dark ages. I grew up in the spark‑a‑fire‑with‑two‑sticks era of resilience.”
-This Puzzled Life
Light the charcoal. Hide the breakables. Put Piper on airplane mode. Today my cats staged a full‑scale intervention. Not a gentle, “Mama, we have questions.” No. This was a feline congressional hearing.
Piper dragged a legal pad across the floor like she was subpoenaing me. Coco sat in a chair backwards like a middle‑school guidance counselor trying to relate. Tinkerbell lit a metaphorical cigarette and whispered, “Let’s begin.” And then, in perfect unison, they asked, “Mama, what was it like growing up in the 80s?”
It started like any normal morning. Piper was knocking things off shelves for cardio. Coco was judging me for existing. And Tinkerbell was staring into the middle distance like she was remembering a past life where she had fewer dependents and more emotional bandwidth.
Then Piper jumped onto the coffee table with the energy of a prosecutor who had receipts. Coco dragged a dining chair across the floor. Sat in it backwards like a youth pastor trying to be relatable and announced, “Mama we need to talk about your childhood.” Tinkerbell sighed. Crossed her paws and whispered, “Prepare yourselves. She grew up before Wi-Fi.”
The room went silent. The air thickened. Somewhere a single dial‑up modem screamed in the void. While an 8‑track tape shed a single tear. How do you explain to three modern, snack‑entitled, YouTube‑addicted cats that their mother was raised in a decade where Phones had cords long enough to lasso livestock. Music lived on ribbons that needed pencils for CPR. ADHD was treated with the “Board of Education” (a wooden paddle with tenure) Bag phones were luxury items for rich people, car dealers, and the occasional drug lord. Supervision was optional. Helmets were a myth. And childhood was basically a survival sport. And coming out as gay in the conservative South was about as safe as juggling lit fireworks in a dry barn.
So, I took a deep breath. Adjusted my imaginary shoulder pads. The emotional ones and the fashion ones and said, “Children buckle up. Mama’s about to take you on a journey through the Dark Ages.”
1. ROTARY PHONES — THE ORIGINAL TORTURE DEVICE
Piper: “So you’re telling me you had to spin the numbers? Like a wheel? Like a game show?”
Me: “Yes. And if you messed up one number, you had to start over.”
Piper: “Start over? Mama, that’s not a phone. That’s a punishment.”
Coco: “And you couldn’t text? No emojis? No memes? No sending me pictures of myself?”
Me: “Nope. You just talked.”
Coco: “Out loud? With your mouth? Barbaric.”
Tinkerbell: “Children, let her speak. She survived.”
2. CAMCORDERS — THE SHOULDER MOUNTED BEASTS
Piper: “So your parents carried around a camera the size of a microwave?”
Me: “Yes. Every dad looked like he was filming a documentary about corn.”
Coco: “And you couldn’t edit? No filters? No TikTok?”
Me: “No. You got what you got.”
Coco: “So childhood memories were raw footage?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Coco: “Unacceptable. I’m filing an HR complaint.”
3. 8‑TRACKS, CASSETTES & JAM BOXES
Piper: “So music lived on ribbons?”
Me: “Yes.”
Piper: “And you had to rewind it? Manually?”
Me: “With a pencil.”
Piper: “A pencil? Mama, were y’all okay?”
Tinkerbell: “Back in my day, we carried burdens too. I honor your struggle.”
4. SNACKS — THE WILD WEST OF SUGAR
Coco: “What were snacks like?”
Me: “Fruit Roll-Ups that tasted like edible stickers. Kool-Aid that was 98% sugar. Chips in bags so loud they could summon the dead.”
Coco: “So chaos.”
Me: “Yes.”
Piper: “I would’ve thrived.”
5. TOYS — AKA STICKS
Piper: “You played with yard debris?”
Me: “Yes. Sticks were swords, guns, wands, fishing poles, and occasionally, lawsuits.”
Piper: “Was childhood a punishment?”
Me: “No. It was imagination.”
Piper: “Sounds like poverty.”
6. OUTSIDE — THE ORIGINAL OPEN-WORLD GAME
Coco: “So you were a latchkey kid?”
Me: “I wasn’t. But many of my friends were. It was the culture.”
Coco: “No adult supervision? No check-ins? No GPS? No Life360?”
Me: “Nope. We just existed.”
Coco: “That’s not childhood. That’s a documentary on resilience.”
7. THE SATANIC PANIC — WHEN EVERYTHING WAS THE DEVIL
Piper: “So adults thought everything was witchcraft?”
Me: “Yes. Cartoons, music, Dungeons & Dragons, and probably Capri Suns.”
Piper: “Honestly? Mood.”
8. COMING OUT IN THE CONSERVATIVE SOUTH
Tinkerbell: “Mama, what was it like being gay back then?”
Me: “Growing up gay in the conservative South wasn’t just hard. It was dangerous. It was whispered about. Prayed over. Feared. Punished. Misunderstood. So, I didn’t come out until my 30s. Which was when I finally had safety, language, and the audacity to choose myself.”
Piper: “So you had to hide who you were?”
Me: “Yes.”
Coco: “Not anymore. If anyone tries that again, I’m biting them.”
Tinkerbell: “You bloomed late because the soil was hostile. That’s not your fault.”
And then Piper knocked over a cup because emotional vulnerability makes her itchy.
10.THE BAG PHONE — THE RICH PEOPLE FLEX
Piper: “What’s a bag phone?”
Me: “A cell phone the size of a small suitcase. It lived in a giant toiletries bag.”
Coco: “Who carried that?”
Me: “Rich people. Car dealers. Maybe a drug lord.”
Piper: “So it was a phone in a purse that only wealthy people could use?”
Me: “Yes.”
Piper: “Sounds like an Hermes collab.”
11.MENTAL HEALTH IN THE 80s — AKA ‘YOU’RE FINE, GO OUTSIDE’
Coco: “Mama, were you in therapy back then?”
Me: “No. Therapy wasn’t a thing for kids. Mental health was treated with prayer, denial, and chores.”
Piper: “What about ADHD?”
Me: “That was treated with the ‘Board of Education.’”
Piper: “What’s that?”
Me: “A wooden paddle.”
Piper: “Ma’am.”
Tinkerbell: “Corporal punishment has mostly been eliminated now.”
Me: “Back then it was Tuesday.”
12.THE PADDLE — AND YES, I GOT MANY
Coco: “Did you ever get paddled in school?”
Me: “Oh yes. Many times.”
Piper: “For what?”
Me: “Well one time me and my friends squeezed staples into tiny squares, put them on the end of pencils, and flicked them at each other.”
Coco: “Why?”
Me: “Entertainment.”
Piper: “And?”
Me: “And I misaimed and hit the football coach in the forehead with staple shrapnel.”
Piper: “Mama. That’s assault.”
Me: “It was the 80s. We called it ‘horseplay.’”
13.PENCIL BREAKING WARS — THE ORIGINAL HUNGER GAMES
Coco: “What are pencil wars?”
Me: “You’d hold your pencil and try to break someone else’s pencil with it. Champion #2 pencils only.”
Piper: “So gladiator combat but with office supplies?”
Me: “Yes.”
Piper: “I would’ve won.”
14.ERASER BURNS — THE PAIN OLYMPICS
Tinkerbell: “And what are eraser burns?”
Me: “Someone would hold your hand down and rub the eraser on your skin as hard as possible. Whoever lasted the longest won.”
Coco: “Won what?”
Me: “Respect.”
Piper: “That sounds like hazing.”
Me: “It was childhood.”
Tinkerbell: “Children were different back then.”
So yes. I grew up in the 80s. With rotary phones that spun like medieval torture wheels and doubled as cardio equipment. Phone cords long enough to strangle a small horse. Cassette tapes that needed pencils for CPR. Snacks that violated several FDA guidelines. And probably a few spiritual ones. And closets, both literal and metaphorical, that took decades to escape. I also survived pencil wars, eraser burns, chaotic childhood, the Satanic Panic, dial‑up internet, and the conservative South’s Olympic‑level repression. I didn’t come out until my 30s because the world I grew up in wasn’t safe for a gay kid. But I made it out. I made it loud. And I made it proud.
And now? I live with three cats who scream at walls. Demand snacks like they’re unionized. And interrogate me about my prehistoric upbringing like I’m a museum exhibit they did not approve the funding for. They cannot fathom a world without YouTube, Wi-Fi, or same‑day delivery. And yet here I stand, a relic of the Dark Ages. Forged in the fires of rotary phones and questionable parenting.
And somehow, this is the upgrade. Jam box blasting. Cordless phone nowhere in sight. Thanks for reading! Praise be to Gen X. What are your thoughts on the greatest decade?
Affirmation: I honor the child who survived. The adult who emerged. And the joy I refuse to apologize
***Don’t forget to watch the video!***
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This Puzzled Life 