gas lighting

darnold1975

Child Abuse Awareness: When the Safe Places Aren’t Safe

“When the places built to protect children become the places that break them, the wound isn’t just personal. It’s a failure of every adult who chose silence over responsibility.”

-This Puzzled Life

Light the candles. Move the breakables. Tell the ancestors to take their seats and pass the sweet tea. We’re not easing into this one. And before the denial committee calls an emergency meeting to rehearse their “But that’s not what we meant” speeches, let’s go ahead and say the quiet part out loud.

Child abuse doesn’t just happen in the home. It happens in classrooms where teachers misuse authority. In churches where “discipline” is weaponized. In sports programs where adults confuse control with coaching. In friend groups where older kids exploit younger ones. And in any space where a child’s safety depends on an adult’s integrity, and that integrity fails.

Let me say this in the clearest way I know how. And  coming from someone who personally knows a little something on this topic, what happened to you was abuse. And it was a betrayal of power. Schools and other places are supposed to be safe. Adults in those buildings are supposed to protect children. You were not protected. And when abuse happens in a place that claims to be safe, the damage hits on multiple layers at once. It’s not just the act itself. It’s the collapse of every structure that was supposed to shield you.

You were a child. They were adults. The responsibilities were never equal. The conflict you still feel between “their job” and “your role” is a direct result of their failure, not yours. The tactics you endured weren’t just harmful. They were calculated. “Diabolical” would be the right word. The cruelty, the gaslighting, the public humiliation? These are methods designed to break a person’s sense of reality and self‑worth. Many adults would crumble under that kind of psychological warfare. Expecting a child to withstand it is unthinkable. And, yet, if you’re reading this, you did. Not because you should have had to. Not because you were equipped for it. But because you had no choice. That’s not resilience by choice. That’s survival by necessity.

Here are a few sources you might want to dive into.

1. Most child abuse is never reported (all types)

U.S. Department of Justice – Bureau of Justice Statistics“86% of child abuse cases are never reported to authorities.” 🔗 https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/cv22.pdf (bjs.ojp.gov in Bing) (See section on underreporting of violent crime against children.)

2. Children often disclose abuse but are ignored or silenced

Health & Social Care in the Community (2025) Study on child maltreatment disclosures found that children frequently disclose abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, neglect) but are ignored, dismissed, or punished by adults. 🔗 https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/hsc.14336(onlinelibrary.wiley.com in Bing)

3. Delayed disclosure is common across ALL abuse types

CHILD USA – National Think Tank for Child ProtectionOver 70% of victims delay disclosure for at least five years, regardless of abuse type. 🔗 https://childusa.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/Delayed-Disclosure-Report.pdf(childusa.org in Bing)

4. Institutional betrayal: schools, churches, programs often ignore reports

Journal of Child Sexual Abuse (applies to institutional responses across all abuse types) Shows that institutions frequently dismiss, minimize, or cover up reports of abuse.🔗 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10538712.2019.1570402 (tandfonline.com in Bing)

Note: While this journal focuses on sexual abuse, the institutional‑betrayal patterns. It’s documents are identical across physical, emotional, and psychological abuse.

5. Teachers and school staff rarely report abuse, even when required by law

U.S. Department of Education Report Only 11% of school personnel who witness or suspect abuse report it. 🔗 https://www2.ed.gov/rschstat/research/pubs/misconductreview/report.pdf (www2.ed.gov in Bing)

6. Children who report abuse are often disbelieved or blamed

National Institute of Justice – Child Abuse Disclosure Research Children frequently disclose abuse but face denial, minimization, or retaliation from adults. 🔗 https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/child-abuse-disclosure-what-research-tells-us (nij.ojp.gov in Bing)

The wound you carry makes sense. Trauma doesn’t fade just because time passes. It imprints itself. It becomes a landmark in the psyche. And  something you walk around, navigate, and learn to live beside. Therapy can help you understand it. But it can’t erase the fact that it happened. And that it shouldn’t have happened. The gaslighting you endured stole something fundamental. Your ability to trust your own perception.

When adults deny a child’s reality, the child learns to doubt themselves. When they shame a child publicly, the child learns their existence is a problem. When adults ignore a child’s cries for help, the child learns that safety is conditional or imaginary. That’s not a child “being dramatic.” That’s a child being abandoned. And then abandonment by the very people who were supposed to protect you happened. The people you trusted were identified as educators, authority figures,  and other adults in power. And that leaves a wound that is both emotional and existential. You were trapped. And that was not your fault.

A child cannot escape a system built around them. A child cannot “just tell someone” when the people they’re supposed to tell are the ones causing the harm or ignoring it. A child cannot “make better choices” when every direction is blocked. You survived in the only ways available to you. Your mind did what it had to do. Your body did what it had to do. Your spirit did what it had to do. Survival is not shameful. Survival is not weak. Survival is not something you owe anyone an explanation for.

 And the fact of the matter is that THE FAILURE WAS THEIRS. NOT YOURS. You were a child. They were adults. They had power. You had none. The responsibility was theirs. The consequences were yours. And that imbalance is the injustice you’re naming. What you lived through would have broken many adults. The fact that you’re here speaking and naming it is refusing to let it stay buried. And that is strength. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Thanks for reading! And do your part to help protect our children.

Affirmation: “I honor the child who survived what no child should face. I am not defined by what was done to me. I am defined by the courage it takes to speak it.”

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#ThisPuzzledLife

darnold1975

Silencing The Lambs

The Silencing of the Lambs

3.16.15

“What makes psychopathy so different, so surreal…that it knocks her head off?  The inability to wrap her head around the emotional-physical-spiritual-sexual gang bang that just happened when she thought she was the most wonderful person.”

—Sandra Brown, Women Who Love Psychopaths

I was trying to decide on a quote this morning for this particular blog post about trauma that would cover the spectrum of how trauma effects different developmental stages from a personal perspective.  While quite blunt, this quote pretty much describes the ‘rape’ on so many levels of each of my personal traumas.  When people ask, “If things were so bad, why didn’t you leave? Or, why didn’t you just tell someone what was happening?”  Honestly, I just have to see and understand that I’m talking to someone at that moment who doesn’t and might not ever understand unless in that position themselves.  Individuals who have never been abused or been so scared that the last thing they would or could ever do is tell the ‘little secret’ to expose their perpetrators, can’t comprehend that level of fear.

Keep in mind that the ‘little secret’ about my molestation by our preacher’s sons was mentioned in passing only a couple times until I told what happened, not even in detail, less than 10 years ago.  That secret I had been holding since I was a 5.5 year old child.  Why do kids do that if they know and are confident that their parents can help?  The problem is not with the child or the parents.  The problem lies with the perpetrators.  If the perpetrators are the parents, then that’s a separate topic.  Even when I got older and new no physical harm could come to me, the seed of fear was planted many years ago.  All I knew was that the topic scared me.  I knew what had happened through broken memories.  But, I was completely detached emotionally except for the emotion of fear.  My parents being the very loving and understanding couple that they are were revealed additional pieces of that time in my life last summer for the first time.  Can you imagine how they felt knowing some additional information about things that transpired?  Then how do you think, as a child, I felt with it being done to me?  The fact that they were connected to religion has always had an influence on my view of religion and religious figures.

In my abusive previous relationship and consequently a marriage, I kept holding on to the false hope that one day I would again be in the relationship with the person that charmed me.  I was so young and naive that I couldn’t see what was happening to me every single day.  His grip just became more and more tighter emotionally until I had been convinced that I was too stupid, dumb, uneducated, ugly, retarded, unwanted by anyone else and whatever else he could come up with in the moment to call me that I felt too weak to be able to stand on my own two feet.  My view of survival was…..well….him.  I was also extremely scared, at that time, of the repercussions of his or his family’s anger.  But, he had his own techniques about how he would ‘raise’ me as his wife.  He just didn’t know that there was a term called gas lighting that would describe parts of his abuse.

A very common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You’re reading “Definition of Gas lighting” by J. E. Brown.}

Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gas lighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gas lighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim’s attempt to break out of the dependent role.

Here’s an example…If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls “your depression” or “your mood swings,” you are in the presence of a gas lighter.

So, next time, when someone says, “If it’s true, why didn’t they tell?” or “Don’t feel sorry for someone who just stays in a situation like that!”  Understand, that there is so much more going on psychologically that you nor anyone else who’s never experienced brainwashing can comprehend.  True the victim does protect the abuser most of the time.  Trust me…..”IT’S OUT OF FEAR.”  This is how perpetrators ‘silence the lambs.”

Mentally and physically, the effects of 14 years of ‘gas lighting’ took a big toll on me.  My ‘alters’ protected me from feeling much more of the abuse than was felt.  Did I develop maladaptive coping skills from a very young age?  Yes, of course.  They worked well at the time to help me survive some of the horrific traumas of my life.  Now, they just interfere with daily life.  PTSD, social phobias, OCD, rages, flashbacks, body memories, etc. are what my days and nights consist of these days.  Life is better on some days rather than on others.  This, however, are the effects of a lifetime of abuse perpetrated on who ‘had it all’ and became a ‘head case’ over time.  Look at the events of many forms of abuse in my life and tell me who were and still are the ‘head cases?’

Dissociative Identity Disorder is in no shape, form or fashion an easy thing to deal with on a daily basis.  It’s scary as hell for me most of the time.  I won’t nor can I even begin to imagine what it’s like for my wife.  Our son, he’s learning on a different level all of Momma D’s parts.  Every single day our family is in a battle with this disorder.  On an individual level, we’re in a war to put the pieces of the memories back together and deal with them as they should’ve been dealt with many years ago.

Every morning, as long as I choose to put one foot in front of the other, they don’t win.  The day I lay down directly or indirectly in a permanent manner is the day they win.  I think you know enough about me to know that I come from a long line of coaches that demanded and would accept nothing less than winners.  ‘Winners’ in their eyes were more than just numbers on a scoreboard.  There’s only one way I know how to operate….”Get knocked down 1000 times.  Get back up 1001 times.”  This too is a gift.

This lamb is no longer going to be silent.  Abuse is real.

#Thispuzzledlife