darnold1975

Perfectly….Imperfect

Perfectly…Imperfect

“You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
—Brene Brown

Sometimes “ah-ha” or “lightbulb moments” seem to come from out of thin air. You don’t question them. You sit and chew on them, if you have the time, until you’re able to digest what happened or what was realized. Lately, I’ve been bothered by why I care so much about others’ opinions of me. Maybe I was just wanting to find out how and why my humor seems to be attractive to people. If you think I’m tooting my own horn, let me assure you that’s not what’s happening here.

I’ve been sitting and wondering also why I have been tossed about and “unsettled” with my internal guys. I’ve really been working hard on realizing how painful and harmful my self-sabotage. Maybe I just ran into this while searching for answers. The toxic emotion that drives a lot, if not all, my self-sabotaging is fear and shame. Well what is it that I fear? Literally…. most everything. But one of the things that I fear the most is people leaving however that might look. I also have seemed to attach other people’s opinions they may or may not have about me to the worthiness of myself as a human being. That’s insane kind of thinking if you look at it. Growing up in small town U.S.A. that’s all that did matter. But the belief was so engrained in my belief system that if someone didn’t like me, I have felt useless. I remember this from the time I was very young. And then as a blossoming teenager looking for a place to belong, if I was funny, I didn’t have to fit into one group, I was accepted most anywhere and any group. The problem is that overtime if I wasn’t liked by someone the belief has been that I’m a failure with a heartbeat. When the reality is that people don’t give two squirts of cat pee what or how I’m doing.

jackass whisperer

You would think as much as I crave alone time that I would enjoy being alone. The truth is that I hate it. I was always a social butterfly. If there were 100 people to socialize with then I wondered why there wasn’t 101. Over the years I bought into some pretty horrible and crippling beliefs that have altered my life. With Coach’s help we also looked at how this belief system was influenced by my adoption. Low and Behold, I’m wanting something that I’ll never have….my birth mom’s love and approval for just being alive. When I met her there was nothing there between us and that hurt tremendously. My heart yearns and cries for her approval. I realized yesterday that I have attached people’s perceived opinions of me to my self-worth. But what hit me like a ton of bricks was when I said, “She didn’t have the capacity to love me. But that doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person. I AM WORTHY OF LOVE AND HEALTH RELATIONSHIPS. AND NO ONE PERSON’S OPINION OF ME DEMINISHES MY WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. What they think of me is not my any of my concern.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and say that the realization cures anything. But I think being able to say this with a good Brene Brown quote near by is closer to believing it. It’s not that I haven’t toyed with the idea at some point. I’m just simply….perfectly imperfect. My heart felt it yesterday and by then end I’d call that one hell of a session. Thanks, Coach!!!!

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.”
–Brene Brown

#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Searching For Truth

Searching For Truth

“If you’re searching for a quote that puts your feelings

into words – you won’t find it.”
—Unknown

It’s days like today that I wonder what I could’ve done wrong? Did I do something to make the perpetrators conduct evil? Today, they sit with their families and enjoy time together. And I on the other hand sit and continue to be tormented by things they have done. My rational mind tells me that I’ve survived and that was what I was supposed to do. However, there are times throughout the day that makes me wonder what the hell I’ve done wrong by surviving. My life is chaotic both internally and externally depending on how you see it. I simply want to walk around my room with a purpose. Others could careless what happens to me…. them. I have worked hard to become who and what I am. I am what I am but a “headcase” not quite. You see that’s the only thing I was called for many years. My name disappeared and I became “headcase.” All I want is to be able to be the controller of my life. I want love and to be heard that what I tell you is believed. Perpetrators are great at teaching us that no one will believe our stories or jail would be a consequence for telling stories. I just want to know that I’m being believed. I don’t know why I’m writing other than to say that I need to be heard. I’ve said this from the beginning and satisfaction is not believed at least today. I have been imprisoned by their evil and they have been imprisoned by nothing. How do we settle the score? We just keep pushing forward in the search for truth. Searching for the “TRUTH “that seems to elude us all.

#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Confucius Says…

Confucius Says….

Ok so it’s difficult to find quotes about fortune cookies that are better just called stale cookies. I have mostly used them as entertainment to amuse myself. Anyway, since moving to Texas I’ve begun to keep my fortunes from the cookie which my alters all seem to need. What makes a cookie more delicious than having an expiration date of 1994, a slip of paper with a random fortune that will never come true and some fake lottery numbers. I haven’t found a number yet that was as lucky and a random set of keys to a brand-new house showed up in the mail for me.

I have several fortunes saved. Nowhere near as many times as I’ve gone to eat sushi and left there feeling like a frenzy feeding sharks on Shark Week. But some of the fortunes have by paranoia alarms going off and alters running for cover. When some of the phrases sound like Brene Brown wrote it that’s when a philosophical conversation breaks out. Yep, I have a head full of sporadic philosophical geniuses. And let’s face it, I’ve been a little too serious and emotional lately.

IMG_2046

The alters’ that love the fortune cookies the most are the ones that lay close to 1980’s music and culture. They also like to read them in the voice of Mr. Miyagi for added effect. My favorite fortune cookie must be the one pictured because we were all caught off guard at the thought of sleeping cookies. They’re so stale that they are more like “dead cookies.” I’m telling you that most people who live alone are literally alone. Not me…. I’ve got want-to-be comedians going all day long entertaining any and every one that I come in contact with.

It’s times like these when I wish that I could be silly with Marshall and Copeland playing and acting silly. Even they know that we play when momma can play because the swing always goes the other way. I try to take things as they come like if I was given the opportunity to duck I wouldn’t. Geez…. really universe? So, I don’t just write lighthearted blogs to help you. I do it to help me and to deal with life as it comes. I take some dark and lonely roads sometimes and get lost trying to get out. She said, “It will be worth it. Not easy.”
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Once Again (Poetry)

Once Again
7.30.19
I laugh a lot, but no one sees
How much these visions torment me?
Fight as I may, I have yet to win
Screaming loudly, “No! Not Again!”

God might frown but the devil smiles
He knows his influence on this broken child.
Forward I still go but no one sees
My limping, hurting and the pain that pushes me.

How do I succeed whilst in his mouth of flames?
I’ve tried and tried with very little gain
Can’t anyone plainly see?
How my demons are killing me?

I say, “Yes!” and they say, “No!
We will beat this crazy and very useless ho.
But try as I may spilling heartbroken tears;
All this happening year-after-year.

Prayers are spoken but no one sees
This desperate girl inside me begging Please!!!
To help me stop this destructive path
How many more times can I survive their wrath?

The people who help have grown weary as well.
How can I continue to drag them through my personal hell?
All the while I silently scream, “help but don’t leave!”
The message is constant “Then let us help you please!”
I don’t know how to let you love me and teach me knew things
Please let me be the puppet on a string.

I listen and try the best that I can
Can I start over and learn to let people love me again?
Answers unknown and fears cover my heart
Can I possibly let you mold me like a beautiful piece of art?

This little girl desperately wants to live
But how much more can I take and are you still willing to give?
I’m not greedy and want everything from you.
God, the universe, The Great Spirit says I’m not through.

Don’t give up as everyone has and I apologize for
being such a hardheaded jackass.
Compassionate and caring more than anyone has ever been
Please try drilling through my thick skull once again.

By: Dana Landrum-Arnold
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Realization of Life (Poetry)

Realization of Life
7.30.19
Oh how I want to die
And stop living every day as a lie
Using the masks so no one can see
Letting them see anything and anyone but me.

Behaviors and chemicals have helped with the pain
But now they do nothing with little to gain
Nothing more than an evil monkey on my back
Just waiting for the final day that I’ll crack.

Living life on the outside is how it seems
But on the inside it’s a nightmarish dream
Protection they give me and protection I’ve had
Why then do I fell so incredibly bad?

Wanting to die is all I recall
Planning daily for my final fall
Because pain this bad all I want is for it to end.
Not even wanting to share this with a friend.

But I talk to “my guys: to see if this is what they really want.
As the days creep closer the reality begins to haunt.
All we want is to end all the painful strife
Because our realization is all we want is a pain free life.

By: Dana Landrum-Arnold
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

These Beautiful Walls (Poetry)

These Beautiful Walls
8.3.19
Some people see what others can’t see
These beautiful walls that keep me safe from me.
People think this is where we come to hide
But this is where I find members of a “trauma tribe.”

We are people who have been through more than most.
And more than not several of us have a host.
For we have seen and been a part of the evils of life.
And for us it has caused lots of strife.

We have fingers and we have toes
But with that comes many woes
Listen to me as I begin to close
We come here beaten down and come to
recognize ourselves as heroes.

By: Dana Landrum-Arnold
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Let’s Roll!!!! (Poetry)

Let’s Roll!!!!
I watch as the world passes by
And sometimes tears escape my eyes
I think about things that could be
Wondering earnestly about safety for me.

Thinking about days long gone
And how much I want to once again call
life with Mel and our kids home.
These days are difficult to explain
And knowing that what I’m accomplishing
isn’t about a game.

I’ve got another great coach by my side
And she won’t let us run and hide.
In the hunt for something called…TRUTH
Staying evermore fast and aloof.

This time I run as fast as I can
But I’m not running from a cowardly man
I’m running towards my goal
Watch me now, coach, come on….
LET’S ROLL!!!

By: Dana Landrum-Arnold
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Lessons From A Squirrel

Lessons From A Squirrel

“Some people talk to animals. Not many listen though.
That’s the problem.”
― A.A. Milne

Today when I got home from therapy I went immediately to the patio and sat like I often do. I was looking and listening for movement that I could watch while half-heartedly searching eBay and trying to decompress from the latest session with coach. I began to hear a popping sound that I begin looking for the origin. I look up and one lonely and might I say hungry squirrel was sitting and eating the kernels off the corncob that I had thrown out into the yard. Apparently, like most other humans and animals the heat has drawn us mostly indoors except to go to the grocery store which this little squirrel was certainly doing to the best of its ability.

As I watch closely, I start to see a similarity between the way he eats and the way I eat. Animals, being part of a food chain, instinctively watch for predators as a way of survival. We, on the other hand, can fix our own food and sit and eat with or without company. I’ll take a little bit of food and feverishly try to get the pieces of food eaten before anyone notices. I will also build forts out of menus to give me privacy if eating in public or I’ll just leave.

animals

This squirrel was simply eating because it knows that it needs fuel for survival. It doesn’t care who’s watching it eat if you’re not a predator. And trust me, the backyard wildlife DO NOT fear me even though I’m considered a predator. They somehow seem to know that all they’ll get from me is Pandora songs and singing. They’ve become so comfortable with me, in fact, that when I go out on the patio sometimes, I have a visitor sprawled out on its belly looking at me like it’s on “The Biggest Loser” desperately wanting a snack.
I look at this little squirrel and say, “Do you have eating disorders too?” It raises its head as if to listen and then calmly lays its head back down.

The squirrel just simply wants more food without another thought about how it’s eating or who’s watching and what I might be thinking. I, too, long for the day that I can eat a meal to enjoy it for its flavors and the feeling of being satisfied without feeling the want and need to purge as a way of self-sabotaging my health. Until then I’ll continue to fight these ugly eating disorders and the horrible words and actions that caused them to form. I, as a human being, have the right to enjoy food and the action of eating without any torment. And I will make it happen because I don’t want to live my life as a squirrel or any other animal waiting for someone or something to attack it.

“Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels.”
—Unknown
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Answer The Question

Answer the Question

“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy. I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.”
—-Anonymous

Have you ever been so far down that the only way to look is up? I have recently begun to do just that. I’ll tell you a story about a man who was a very traumatized man from many years of abuse. He was fearsome and that power propelled him through most of his life. All along he kept living his life the way he wanted to and maintaining a life of chaos, guilt and shame. Slowly, over the years his pace wasn’t as quick. Even his facial features began changing into someone much older. His heart was growing weary of life as well as his desire for life.
Sun meadow

He was met by an angel that pointed him in the direction and said you will meet a man on your journey answer his question. You need him. “Do not leave this road or you’ll have more chaos,” the angel said. The man agreed and headed in that direction. Slowly the man started trying to take shortcuts to “feel better” along the hard and very painful road. And like the angel said his life became more chaotic until his whole self was lost in a world of self-loathing, depression and a hurt internal self. By the time he and the man met he was bruised and cut up from just making it there. He thought everyone had thrown him away because he thought and behaved differently.
He fell in every hole in the sideways and roads just barely able to pull himself out of the last hole. His internal drive for life was completely diminished. His facial features were indicative of a hard life. He had “battle wounds” all over his body stating that he was fighting a war. He looked at the stranger and said, “I’m supposed to answer a question. By the way, what is your name?” The stranger said, “My name is RECOVERY.” The now excited buy quickly told the stranger, “I need recovery. Will you help me?” The question you must answer for me is, “Do you want me?”
#thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

I Matter Now (Poetry)

I Matter Now
You forced me to listen and now it’s my time.
Your abuse has made me feel like I can’t be real in life.
You destroyed parts of me that once thrived
And you sucked me into your grasp by being very kind.

Once everyone was gone you made your first move.
Showing me the side of a human that most have to prove.
You dehumanized me in so many ways
Until I’ve learned to live life mostly in a haze.

But your days are over, and my days are here.
Oh, and the truth that everyone can hear.
About your venomous actions forced on children, teens and adults.
All you can do is sit back and sulk.

I won’t be sad because you hurt me so
But what you shoved into the ground has begun to grow.
With growth you need water and those are my tears I shed.
While I try to undo everything, you convinced me of in my head.

I went to everyone looking for help
And it made it all worse and you hurt me more until I yelped
I didn’t know it then because I was just a kid
Because I matter now, and you never ever did.

#thispuzzledlife