This Puzzled Life is a mental health and recovery blog exploring addiction, trauma healing, LGBTQ experiences, humor, and the strange moments that shape us.
“Don’t judge someone until you have shared a joint with them.”
-Unknown
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy, go away. Today, I want to talk to you about a product that I like to call “the total package.” It is a concentrate known as Watermelon Woo! And it is truly ‘watermelon’ every step of the way.
This beautiful strain is considered an indica. Watermelon Woo is found to be closely associated with the strain Watermelon. And it has also been linked to OG Kush. But the exact genetics are currently unknown. The combination of the terpenes makes it taste exactly like a watermelon Jolly Rancher. The Watermelon auto resulted from crossing Tropicana Cookies X Lemon OG. Top terpenes are Linalool, Pinene and Myrcene. Those first two seem to have links to increase anxiety. And I am sensitive to those.
Medical benefits include relief from stress, anxiety, insomnia, pain relief and mood improvement. Even eaten as a concentrate, the benefits are there. And if you are sensitive to tastes, like I am, the taste is very tolerable.
Affirmation: My joints never run. My bong is always clean. My bowls are overflowing with fresh greens.
“Always remember, if you have been diagnosed with PTSD, it is not a sign of weakness; rather, if is proof of your strength, because you have survived!”
-Unknown
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to take time out from celebrating Pride, to give light to National PTSD Awareness Day. This one hit hard as I’ve lived with PTSD longer than I’ve lived without it. And there are so many of us who don’t make it to the other end of the tunnel. It’s an incredibly dark place to wake up to and go to sleep with every night.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) dates back to ancient civilizations and military conflicts. Terms used early on included “combat-related stress,” “shellshock,” “combat fatigue,” and “railway spine.” In the 1800s and early 1900s, the “talking cure: was popularized by Sigmund Freud and introduced in medical literature. And the treatment went from psychoanalysis to electric shock treatment. By the 1950s, the treatments had become more humane. However, now people would not admit to any traumatic symptoms due to the stigma. So, group therapy and psychotropic medications were introduced (blackbearrehab.com, 2025).
In the 1970s Vietnam veterans began experiencing a lot of psychological problems that persisted even after returning home. And survivors of domestic abuse were also included. In the 1980s, PTSD was officially recognized as a mental health problem. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders adopted the diagnosis where it has remained (blackbearrehab.com, 2025).
PTSD is a developed from a traumatic event. C- PTSD when a traumatic event continues for months and years or multiple events occur. The intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, insomnia, avoidance, memory problems, detachment from friends and family, feeling emotionally numb, hyper startle, irritability, trouble concentrating, impulsive behavior, paranoia, severe anxiety, nightmares, suicidal ideations and actions and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. And over time, these symptoms completely devour who you once were (MayoClinic.org, 2025).
I know that PTSD is typically related to soldiers. I am here to tell you that I never went into the military. But the PTSD that I deal with, as a result of domestic violence, grabbed hold of me and has never let go. It has completely stripped me of everything that I used to enjoy. I don’t care about relationships. I question people about their intentions, even if they’re pure and good. I’m constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop. I don’t have typical reactions to being scared. I could see a moth out, of the corner of my peripheral vision, and then jump and scream like Jeffery Dahmer was staring at me and about to take the first bite. I face the stigmas of both friends and family mainly due to a lack of understanding. However, the reasearch information is everywhere. Sometimes others just need to their own leg work. I have come to realize that instead of trying to find out how PTSD affects someone that you love, it’s “the easy way out” to just to be dismissive, embarrassed and judgmental instead. The attitude is “just change X behavior.” Without having a solution, the resounding message of “just make it go away” further ostracizes the person that you say you care about. And so the anticipated glimmer of hope dissipates further isolating the individual. And sadly, can lead to suicide.
PTSD is not about you, it’s about them. It’s just a diagnosis until it’s “you” that experiences it every day. It has taken me down to the point of putting a gun in my mouth. And because living in the abuse was so severe, I actually pulled the trigger after pointing the gun at my torso. It missed my heart by only a few centimeters. Nothing was messed up to the point of needing surgery. But self-harm is something that I’ve dealt with since I was a 13-year-old child. And I had no idea how to deal with all the overwhelming emotions of abuse. In that cold, dark closet where I began to self-harm, and as maladaptive as the behavior is, it worked. It was the only thing that worked to bring me back to complete balance. But the problem is that it became a true addiction issue that I continue to struggle with. And before you ask, yes I’ve done a lot of therapy. It’s not that the therapy doesn’t. It’s that the addiction is that strong.
PTSD is a true injury on the brain. The brain’s job is to help you survive in any way possible. So, we reach for anything to help calm the barrage of intrusive thoughts, memories, smells and sounds. And once it’s been damaged through a traumatic event, it creates a “work around” solution. What typically works? Self-harm and substance abuse creates almost instant comfort. You don’t have to wait for 6-8 weeks to reach your therapeutic dose efficacy to begin working. It’s an immediate fix that some of have to use just to stay alive.
Cannabis was recommended when all other “Big Pharma” medications failed. And it has saved my life on a daily basis ever since. Cannabis seems to put a cloud over my brain saying, “Settle just for a moment.” And for that moment, I can take a break from the constant paranoia and overstimulation of a brain that wanted to do nothing more than survive. And that, is my battlefield. It wasn’t in Iraq, Afghanistan or Vietnam. My battlefield is everywhere I go. I fear people and social situations in a way that most cannot understand.
It literally takes me about a week in advance to start prepping to leave my house just to go to pick up medications,that I,unfortunately have to take. But I don’t take anymore psych meds. I was extremely sick, coming off all the meds that I had been begging for over two years to be tapered off. And I got tired of waiting, so I did it myself. I don’t advise this way because it was a really miserable process. However, I was at a point of desperation. And now about 6 months later, I feel like a new human being after the toxic feeling of all the medications. All of my true feelings and emotions have awakened, and I really like feeling somewhat comfortable at times.
My personal opinion is that anyone returning home from the active duty should be handed an ounce of weed the minute they step off the plane to do with as they wish. And it would be perfectly ok if they gave it away. That’s like paying it forward in “Weed-O-Nomics.” As it stands, soldiers come home from a war that never ends. And they are committing suicide at a rate of 22 soldiers a day. And that is less than unacceptable.
As the topic of cannabis continues to circulate among social circles and national politics, I hope that veterans from our military will step out against the shame that is felt from social stigmas. And reach for the plant that can “help take the gun out of your mouth.” Cannabis doesn’t cure PTSD because it wasn’t the one who caused it. But it does make things much more tolerable.
Thanks for reading! Happy Pride everyone!
Affirmation: I am resilient and capable of healing.
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Today, I want to talk to you about the differences in head shops and smoke shops. There is a noticeably significant difference. Some people refer to these types of businesses as the same. They are not.
First of all, we need to discuss why they are called “Head Shops.” The term was actually used during the ‘sixties in the U.S. It was based off a statement people used at that time called “getting your head right.” And more specifically among pot heads. While most headshops today carry a variety of products. Initially head shops only carried a few pipes, bongs, rolling papers. And as you can discern the products and interior of the shops specified cannabis culture. They also eccentric records, psychedelic posters and books consistent with the hippie movement. These types of smoking products were considered illegal paraphernalia and had to be concealed.
When I was much younger there was a local headshop that I used to frequent that was run by two old hippies. And it was the coolest store that really catered to local hippies and the cannabis culture. I loved to go look around especially in the dark room that was draped with a beaded curtain. They had some really impressive psychedelic posters complete with the rich smell of pachouli incense burning. As the shop owners aged, the shop was eventually closed.
It wasn’t until I became a medical cannabis patient that I began to seriously look at the products in these types of stores. There was nothing better than going in a looking at the new glass pieces and other smoking accessories. I would eventually learn about dab rigs and cannabis concentrates. I had no idea that bongs were actually called “water pipes.” I went inside and asked the employees where the bongs were located. They said, “You can’t use that term because it refers to paraphernalia. We sale “water pipes” used to smoke tobacco.” I told them, “Well, I’ve never heard them called anything but a bong.” At that point, I was asked to leave. I had no idea what had just transpired. Apparently, using the term “water pipe” was the loophole in the law regarding legal paraphernalia. And you could not even mention terms like “bongs” and still be allowed to continue shopping.
What I would eventually learn is how many “designer drugs” were being sold out of those stores. I was thinking the whole time, I could’ve gotten myself in a lot more trouble with addiction had I realized what all types of products were sold at some. I also realized that I had to learn about everything that were being sold legally because of that loophole. I will cover some of those dangerous substances in future blog posts.
The modern head shops are now able to release a lot of those anxieties about selling cannabis culture items. The main reason is that the stigmas about smoking marijuana have largely dissipated with the legalization of both medical and recreational cannabis. However, there are still dangerous substances that continue to be sold to teens who have absolutely no idea what some of those substances contain nor the damage they can do. I am in no way demonizing head shops. I personally still love going shopping in them and looking at the newest products. And I have bought several items that compliment my personal cannabis use.
Smoke shops are businesses that sell tobacco and accessories for smoking tobacco. These include cigars, cigarettes, pipes, loose tobacco, hookah accessories, e-cigarettes and e-liquids. Smoke shops have to abide by state and federal regulations regarding tobacco sales. Which include not selling tobacco or related products to customers under the age of twenty-one.
When it comes to 420 celebrations, headshops are the way to go. But as a word of caution, do your own research about products that you hear are the newest fads. Most of the time the rigorous testing that is required to sell medical or recreational cannabis is not required on “designer drugs.” So, you never quite know what companies are actually using to enhance the psychoactive substances that are in the products. The smoking accessories that I’ve bought are not included in the dangers. It’s the substances that are not regulated that carrying the sometimes-devastating dangers unknown to the public. When all else fails, buy your cannabis from a reputable dispensary. And then go home and get faded in the safety of your home.
“The true face of smoking is disease, death and horror-not the glamour and sophistication the pushers in the tobacco industry try to portray.”
“Edibles kick in when they hear you talking crap about them.”
-Unknown
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about another type of cannabis product known as edibles. The quote I picked describes exactly what my first experience with edibles was like. I’ll explain what edibles are and then tell you the story.
Edibles themselves are just food or other consumable products infused with cannabis. The way that this happens is that cannabis has to be heated to a temperature that releases the THC and other cannabinoids. And they also must have a binding agent that is typically done with butane, alcohol, oil or butter. And then the resulting product can be incorporated into just about any type of products like brownies, gummies, beverages or favorite dessert. The information to remember is that edibles take much longer to begin working, somewhere between 2-3 hours. Unless eaten on an empty stomach which will cause them to take effect at around 45 minutes. The effects last much longer than smoking. This is where people tend to ingest too much. Because they think that the product is not working. It takes longer to go through the digestive system and then into the bloodstream.
The only frame of reference I had about weed was the kind that I smoked occasionally in high school. And it wasn’t good and clean. It was junk. But, it was all I had. Where some of my classmate’s mom would make “party” brownies, I was never around them to experience that.
While I was living in Albuquerque I got my first medical marijuana card. I got comfortable smoking the flower and headed in the direction of edibles. I saw on the dispensary menu that trail mix was available. I didn’t ask questions. I just bought it and took it home. We were taking Marshall to a pumpkin patch that would be an all day event. And I knew with my PTSD that the process would be very stressful for me. We begin getting ready and I start eating the food. I thought that you were supposed to eat the entire thing. So I did.
We needed to stop by Dollar Tree for a couple of things. I dropped Mel off while I waited in the car with Marshall. I didn’t have a whole lot of faith that the edible would work. It had been about an hours since I had eaten it on an empty stomach. By the time Mel finished shopping and came back to our vehicle, I told her, “Oh shit! Mel something is wrong!” Surprised that I was upset, she said, “What’s the matter?” I said, “I can’t feel my butt.” She asked, “Can you drive?” I told her, “Ummm..HELL NO!” I kept getting higher and higher. And then I got scared. The level of anxiety was “out of this world.” I knew one thing for sure, that experimental day would be one where a hard lesson would be learned. All I could do was think. But, I couldn’t seem to form many sentences. And walking didn’t even feel normal.
I began praying to the cannabis gods for mercy. And they didn’t seem to listen. I spent the entire day and evening lit as hell. For sixteen hours, I was higher than I have ever been. I didn’t get sick in any way. But I had to endure that horrible mistake. I went back to the dispensary the following Monday and told them what had happened. They chuckled and said, “You’re not supposed to eat the entire thing in one sitting.” I said, “Well it was only about ½ cup of the mixture.” They told me, “That was made with a concentrated cannabis oil that was infused in the trail mix.” I told them, “Ok. Well lesson learned.” and I left. Needless to say, I have never done that since.
If you over smoke or over dab you can recline your chair, and within about 45 minutes to a couple of hours, you come back down to earth. However, if you overdo it with an edible, you are just at its mercy. You cannot interrupt the process in any way. I say this so that you don’t make the same mistake. I have seen people eat two or three edibles at a time and I just look at them like they have lost their minds. I would tell them, “You’re going to regret doing that.” And sure enough, right after they talk crap about not feeling anything, they get so high that the experience becomes a miserable existence.
I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, at the time, which is miserable in any respect. Every morning I would eat about a fourth of an edible, as a part of my regimen, and the symptoms were almost non-existent. I continued doing this for the next two years. And I haven’t had any symptoms of IBS since. I no longer take any kind of medication for that issue. My IBS is gone.
The drawback to using edibles is that they can spoil. So if it’s not a product that you can freeze and will end up going bad before you’re able to eat them, then you can potentially lose a lot of money. Products like gummies have a much longer shelf life. Some people don’t like smoking or have lung issues that prevent them from being able to smoke. And for those that have digestive problems, I have found that smoking really isn’t a good way to manage symptoms. Edibles are powerful and coat the digestive tract and they work! Just do them in moderation.
There are all types of different products including colas, gums, chocolates, hard candies and ice cream. The cannabis taste is the terpenes in the product. Since I am very sensitive to tastes, I tend to go with edibles with a much milder taste. One of the best items to use is cannabis butter which can be added to just about any meal. Mel would make red bean and rice and then add about a teaspoon of cannabis butter to my portion. And trust me that is all you need. Not a tablespoon.
If you want a nice peaceful rest for nighttime,get you some cannabis butter that is heavily infused with indica strains. You will rest and be almost pain free. If you still don’t like that option because of the high feeling, then opt for cannabis butter that is infused with high CBD, low THC strains.
Gummies are usually sold as 10 mg pieces. There are typically about 10 pieces to a pack. And to begin with you can get pretty lit on the dosage. You don’t have to get the 500mg candies that you see people eating on social media. They are idiots. But to each his own, right? There are so many flavors and foods that are available. Try as many different ones as you can and enjoy the ride!
I hope this blog has provided you with some information that can help you make informed decisions regarding these types of products. Thanks for reading! Keep up the blazing!
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! As we begin to prepare for the holiday 420 among we marijuana smokers, I thought I would tell you about some of the many, many products that you can use to enjoy the holiday in “HIGH” fashion. This, again, is not a comprehensive list. There are just way too many items to try out. However, this list will definitely get you started on your “to-do list.”
Okay! Let’s begin with the product that most people associate with smoking marijuana, it’s the flower. The term “weed” comes from the plant itself. Because it is “literally” a weed. The difference is known as a strain. And within these strains are the genetics which is the framework that determines the levels of Cannabidiol (CBD) the non-psychoactive substance and Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) the psychoactive substance that gets you high. And are the “sticky icky” substances that look like fine white hairs. I think it’s imperative to tell you that the plant actually produces THCa. But went heated the THCa is converted to THC. The amount of THC in the marijuana of the 1970’s was around 1%-3%. In comparison to today the THC levels, in the flower, range between about 14%-30% on average. That has been my experience. And I have bought and smoked a lot of cannabis in the last 10 years. These levels were probably inconceivable back then. The weed these days needs those levels to help with medical conditions. The higher levels of THC provide relief in particular to chronic pain and insomnia. Not that CBD doesn’t work on its own at some level. The e THC does, in fact, provide so much more relief. There are strains that are genetically developed and cultivated for a higher level of CBD 1;1 ratio. And a lot of the high CBD strains typically have much lower levels of THC. For those who don’t enjoy the feeling of the high, these strains are for you. I will even mix one of these strains in my pipe before I smoke a bowl giving me some additional relief.
Terpenes are the substances in the plant that do not get you high. These are in every plant. However, they do provide a relaxing effect and relieve pain. While also comprising over 30,000 compounds. Terpenes are NOT cannabinoids. But they have the same effect on your endocannabinoid system. They are also partially responsible for the individual tastes of each plant. They also determine, in conjunction, with the plant’s genetics what types of effects that you can likely experience. If you think you can benefit, learn the terpenes and genetics of the strains that you use. I personally have created a spreadsheet of the strains I try. And include a rating system along with the genetics so that I can narrow down which ones work best for me. This will help you navigate the medical part of your cannabis use.
There are 3 different types of cannabis. They are indica, sativa, and hybrids. The indicas will give you a very intense “body high” known as “couch lock.” And this is when you get so high that you might stare in place for several minutes to hours at a time. Usually, meaning that you can’t get off the couch. You want the cheetos but, at the moment, you can’t figure out how to get to them. No worries. It will only last for about 30-45 minutes, depending on how high you are, to drop from the clouds. Then you just re-up and go again. I use strains that are very indica dominant in nature. I am still able to get up and do the things I need to do. But some people cannot. This will also help you determine what you like and don’t like. The medicine of the plant will begin to work continuously. The “high” of the THC will slowly diminish.
Sativas are most closely associated with a very “cerebral” type of high. These are very good if you need an antidepressant. It’s the type of strain where you can still get up and do housework or go back to work. Caution with these as they can increase anxiety. And from personal experience, I have panic attacks just fine without them. I am very sensitive to sativas.
Hybrids are just that: They are a combination of the two types of strains varying in percentages of each. I have found that hybrids are much more readily available than pure indicas. While you can find them, you don’t see them as much. So, in that case, I use an indica-dominant hybrid strain. Each strain has its own goofy name. Don’t let that fool you. It’s still good medicine.
Some people who smoke recreationally are more concerned with the level of THC in a particular strain. And if all you want to do is get “high”, go for it. Medically and psychiatrically, I just need my medicine to work. I have used some 30% THC levels only to be disappointed that my needs were not met. And I have used some at around 15% that have worked just fine. There isn’t a set standard for medical patients. You just have to continue through trial and error to find what you like. I typically have around 10-15 different strains at any given time. So, when I wake up in the morning, I can determine at that time what I will use during the day. And the region of the country that you’re in will differ in strains everywhere you go. I encourage you to try, as many as you can, even on vacation.
Take your time with this process. Don’t’ go too big, too quickly, or you will have a bad experience and put a sour taste in your memory. You won’t die from an overdose. Because that’s not even possible but you’ll wish you did. You would then be cheating yourself out of this beautiful plant experience. Also, if you reach levels of intoxication, be responsible and don’t drive. You will still get a DUI.
If you have a recreational marijuana program in your state go to the dispensaries and talk with a local budtender now. The closer you get to 420 the more the products will disappear or be picked over. Always have a copy of High Times Magazine nearby to keep up with the latest trends in cannabis culture. Smoke a bowl for me! Thanks for reading!
“The illegality of cannabis is outrageous, an impediment of full utilization of a drug which helps produce the serenity and insight, sensitivity, and fellowship so desperately needed in this increasingly mad and dangerous world.”
“I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.”
-Bill Murray
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go aways. Okie dokie! Today marks my second favorite time of the year. Yep it’s the month of 420! Not everyone agrees with it. For me though, it has saved my life. To the naysayers, there is absolutely nothing you can tell me negatively that I’ll believe about the plant called cannabis.
Cannabis has been around for forever and ever amen with a lot of negative connotations. My own family still takes issue with the fact that federally it’s still considered illegal. And you can’t really have a conversation about it because some of them are not willing to discuss the science. In a lot of ways vilifying this plant because of the Nancy Reagan 80’s seems to have stuck. I have family members that are earthy, crunchy thinkers in regard to health. And their lives all about healing with fruits, vegetables and herbs. But so am I. I like fruits, vegetables and herbs too. I just smoke my herbs. The side effects are very simple: sleepy, happy and hungry. “Big Pharma” on the other hand are constantly being sued for all of the harmful side effects. No thank you to medications that cause more harm than good. And drinking and driving home is the much safer option?
Over the years cannabis has gotten a horrible name. It’s not because it’s a dangerous drug. In fact, cannabis is one of the healthiest plants available. Our country has now made it a priority to invest money into science and discovering the healing properties. And there are scientific studies proving that cannabis isn’t as bad as once thought.
Unlike alcohol and other harmful drugs, cannabis continues to provide people with life saving medicine as it has for me. It’s healing cannabinoids help with chronic pain, epilepsy, anxiety, multiple sclerosis, PTSD, alzheimer’s disease, chemotherapy induced nausea and vomiting, insomnia, cancer, fighting cancer, inflammatory bowel disease, tourette syndrome, crohn’s disease, depression, HIV/AIDS, muscle spasms, anorexia, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, addiction, inflammation,parkinson’s disease, PTSD, reducing blood pressure, anxiety disorders, stabilizing blood sugar, decreasing overdose rates, opioid dependence, spinal cord injuries, dystonia, dementia, glaucoma, schizophrenia and other medical and psychological problems (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, 2017).
The days of believing that cannabis is a drug that causes great bodily harm are over. Hallelujah! Now let me point out one thing. Cannabis isn’t for everyone just like certain pharmaceuticals aren’t. And I agree that some people might have some type of addiction issues. However, there is no physical withdrawal that occurs. It is impossible to overdose on cannabis. You might take or use too much, causing intoxication. But that’s not the plant’s fault. If you have a problem with addiction to this, it is a “you” problem not the substance.
I can only speak for myself as one who has a lengthy history of addiction, I have never had a problem with marijuana. The problems have always come back to myself and the maladaptive ways of coping. Buying marijuana off the streets where most of it has come from cartels, it can be sprayed with poisons which increase the effects and dependency. And this is also where a lot of the paranoia stems from. Yes, there are people who complain about paranoia induced by cannabis that is bought from very safe dispensaries. These cases are very minimal on a broad scale. So, marijuana might not fit you as an individual. However,for people like me who continue to reap the benefits of this plant minus the addiction, I can say that it has truly saved my life. And as a result has lowered the amount of suicidal ideations that used to plague me on a daily basis.
The effects of PTSD continue to complicate my life. The overwhelming symptoms are not near what they once were. Cannabis does NOT cure PTSD. It simply helps with the unfriendly symptoms and side effects. I have gone from being on close to fifteen psychiatric “big pharma” medications down to zero. I didn’t see the point of taking Parkinson’s medication for a side effect of the anti-depressant. Not to mention that I wasn’t able to experience emotions in a way to gauge how I was healing. And everything from the waist down was literally dead. If that’s the price you pay for happiness, then I would rather be sad. I still struggle hard sometimes. And that is where working with coach is other beneficial piece to my treatment. If it is not a substance that doesn’t work for you then move on. But don’t demonize this medication for those of us that it helps to ensure survivability. Thanks for reading! Keep moving forward.
“It is irresponsible not to provide the best care we can as a medical community, care that could involve marijuana. We have been terribly and systematically misled for nearly 70 years in the United States, and I apologize for my own role in that.”
I wake up, puddle of sweat I have nightmares, and I get back into bed It’s like these voices just keep playing on repeat in the back of my head And I can’t get them to leave me alone Thirty-years old but still hates being alone when I’m home Because that’s when the voices get the loudest Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest But these demons keep pressin’ me, I swear they’re the foulest But I’ve grown comfortable with their presence, my conscious is calloused My dreams are their playground, my thoughts are their palace I tried to evict them, they returned with more Anxiety isn’t an item you can return at the store I was 10 the first time I had a panic attack Like a punch to the stomach, there’s no planning for that And I didn’t tell anyone because I was too scared about what they’d say And I knew deep down that there was nothing they could do to take it away It was my fight to fight and my battle to face I remember that house I grew up in and how those demons would rattle that place I’d lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling I’ve spent my whole life trying to run from that feeling That feeling of being lonely, that feeling of being lost That feeling of being sick when the lights turn off That feeling of being depressed, that feeling of being anxious That feeling of screaming to God begging Him to take this Only to get silence in return I’d lay in that bed crying, and I’d toss and I’d turn And I turn and I toss to this day The doctors gave me medication, the pastor said pray I tried both, and this anxiety still hasn’t gone away So forgive me if I fantasize about being gone today I’m an actor who got really good at being on today But when I turn off, I go right back into the shadows I’m in the deep-end now, but I started in the shallows And I might just drown myself in these waves Suburbian hell, these homes are all graves Everyone’s coping with something but won’t admit it, they’re all too afraid And these kids are glued to watching me, what do I say? If I’m honest with them, maybe they won’t think highly of me Everything they want me to be is what I’m dying to be But everything I really am is what I’m not trying to be I want them to know that they’re not alone in their struggles I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in those puddles And I don’t ever think I’ll get out of this valley I’m in Terrified that all along God has tallied my sins And if He has, the number must be astronomic My life is a joke, and you keep reading, just pass the comic Because everything you think that I am is far from the truth I wish I could open up to you and just let loose But my vocal cords get tight when the Devil pulls on this noose And then I’m back to keeping everything bottled up inside But he’s not gonna keep me from pulling the throttle back this time He’s not gonna keep me trapped like this I can’t get out of bed, I was never made to act like this I’m packing up my bags, and he can’t stop me from running fast like this I’m not gonna be a slave to these voices of anxiety I’m shoving the Devil back for every time that he lied to me And I’m taking a belt to these demons who whisper despair in my ear And I’m ignoring every naysayer who stands and stares when I’m near I’m moving forward out of this slump I took my bruises, I took my lumps I fell down, but I got right back up So give me a torch, and let’s light that up I’m setting fire to the Devil, and I’m dousing these demons in gasoline Look at you now, now you’re not laughing at me Now who’s the one who’s being tortured and punked? Now who’s the one closing every door that I want? Now who’s the one watching the other burn the ground? Don’t look away from me, you better turn back around I’m not done talking to you now I’m watching your moves I’m on your back, and I’m stalking you, too And when you try to ruin some other kid’s life, I’ll be stoppin’ you, too You took thirty years of my life, and I can’t get that back You told me to end my life, and I nearly got killed for that You took me down, but I bounced right back I was lost then, and I got found like that And everything you told me I wasn’t someone new told me I was And everything you hated in me someone new told me He loves And when you tried to kill me with depression and anxiety He reached in and placed hope deep inside of me So I’m done listening to you and letting you control me I’m announcing it now that the Devil can’t hold me I’m walking away from the old me And I’m demanding a refund on every lie that you sold me You knew I’d find a way out sooner or later And I found my escape in the form of a Savior.
“Living with chronic pain is like trying to get comfortable on a cactus sofa.”
-Sean Mackey, Professor of Pain Medicine at Stanford
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away! Ready. Set. Blog! This is a blog that I’ve needed to write for a really long time. The topic of chronic pain affects every area of my life.
I feel that having both mental and physical pain is too much to ask of a person. I’m not talking about the aches and pains of aging. If that were the type of pain that I experience, I would have no reason to complain. My pain started as a young child with horrific leg pain that would have me in tears. I vividly remember my parents rubbing my legs complimented with a heating pad in order for the tears to stop falling just long enough to fall asleep. And there were no guarantee that I wouldn’t wake up during the night in the same miserable condition. The pediatrician said that the pain was simply “growing pains.” Could this physical pain have been a result of the trauma that I was experiencing? Maybe. Eventually, I would seem to outgrow the leg pains. In the late 1970’s and early 1980’s maybe there were no other answers. And I can accept that. Subconsciously, no one believed me because the depth of my pain couldn’t be seen. However, the mark that was left on the psyche of a small child is one that has left a permanent mental disfigurement.
The next time I remember pain being an issue was as a 13-year-old. The traumatic situations that were occurring left me with horrible headaches. It was at the time that I began having suicidal ideations. The one consistent message coming from my “loud thoughts” was that I wasn’t worthy was unworthy of life. The trauma of that year continues to pound the same messages in my daily life. I just couldn’t see a way out in any direction. It was one agonizing day after another for an entire year. And again, no one believed me. I would also suffer a kneeinjury that I’ve never been about to truly recover from. I’m still dealing with it now in my late forties. When you abuse a child mentally, it’s so easy for them to believe it. To deal with it all, I began “grasping at straws” trying to find 5 minutes of relief. And I did! I found drugs, alcohol, eating disorders and self-harm.
Then I moved into high school. But the previous year continued to torment me. Not only was I caught up in the cycle of addiction, but I was also starting to die from them all. Anyone who says that addiction isn’t painful are lying. It doesn’t matter what type of addiction. It might not seem to hurt in the moment. However, if you are a human being with a conscience, it will hurt at some point. And when it did, I kept using “it” out of guilt and shame. My hopes and dreams were going down the drain. And I had no idea how to make it all stop. I wasn’t my own boss anymore. It was my boss. I would also have another knee surgery, maybe two. And then, I met him…
“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”
This Puzzled Life 