A Letter From Beyond

A Letter From Beyond

With all the healing work taking place I can’t help but think what my dear Sarah would be thinking. So, I’ve decided to write something to help my heart a little bit. Sarah was always concerned and who knows how many of her own tears and prayers were shed and said for me. She was one of the kindest people I knew, and compassion seemed to flow from every pore in her body for me. But make no mistake that she would also very sternly and loving to insert her shoe into my ass if she thought that’s what I needed. I imagine that if she were to talk to me today it would sound something like this…

Dear Dana,
I have been watching you for the last few years and have seen you decline at an incredible rate. You have given yourself every excuse to behave in ways that still make my skin crawl. I told you several years ago to never give yourself a reason to destroy yourself and things around you. Especially no excuses surrounding my death.

All I ever wanted for you was happiness and recovery. I know you were hurting but I never left you. But I have also seen you step up and take charge of your recovery. You have been through some agonizing days and even then, I never left you. And like pulling teeth you have finally begun to allow people to love you when you weren’t able to love yourself. You have finally gotten out of your own way and done work that has brought about healing.

I always had faith in you and your abilities, but you had to see it for yourself.  Your work was about you and no one else.   Your eyes have finally been opened to a new life. You have taken charge of your life and cleaned your side of the street the best you can. Your recovery with your new coach has been done one day at a time. And I can’t imagine a better team to make this all happen. This will continue if you get up every day and choose recovery. This process will continue to help you grow as you become the mother that your children deserve. Continue to work on your relationships that deserve the respect that you choose to give to them. Some relationships will be salvageable where others won’t. Thank God every day for life because people that you choose to allow in your life will be blessed just like me and Doug were. Celebrate life for it’s so precious and can disappear in an instant. Help Mel to raise the boys to be men that you both can be proud of. I loved you but never let love end just because a person’s life ended. You have gifts and a beautiful heart that anyone can see and love. Don’t cheat someone out of your beauty just because of a loss. Grieve and move past the hurt and pain. There are many other people that will be placed in your life that will be cheated out of your noticeable beauty if you let the past affect your present and future. Not only your children and family but also those you have yet to meet.

My wish for you is still happiness in whatever way that may look. Never forget to thank the people that helped and love you for they too have seen you hurting and hurt with and for you. There have been more tears and prayers said by numerous people that you may not realize. Anything is accomplishable if you realize that there’s a spiritual being bigger than you. For you are not the ruler of the universe. Ask for what you need and keep those you love close. You have learned many difficult lessons these last two years and I am proud of your efforts. Remember that every day of life is not to be fought with but worth fighting for. You make my heart sing and your beauty shines these days because you’ve found your own authenticity. And damn it looks good on you. I miss you and love you and will forever be by your side.

Thank your coach and her seemingly unending compassion and love that she shows you. She is a rare jewel. The days you thought I was gone was nothing more than me backing off and giving her space to try to help the one I and many others love…. you. Be a person people can look up to rather than one people fear. And remember that life is not easy and was never meant to be easy. I’m of you and love you very much, kid.
Sincerely,
Sarah

This has been an emotional piece for me to write but I needed to hear what I could imagine Sarah saying to me. She is still deeply missed. I’ve finally made peace with her death and subsequent absence. But I choose life authentically. I choose to let people love and care about me even though it’s still uncomfortable at times. I choose life.

#thispuzzledlife

I Am Enough

I AM Enough

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”
—Melody Beattie

I’ve spoken recently about a shift that has taken place. And I truly believe that it’s because all the hard work that I’ve done in therapy is finally paying off. I’m learning how to do something that I’ve never been able to do…. Love myself. This process is one that is not easy but necessary. I’ve always been tormented by my trauma and a chaotic system which led to self-hatred.
This self-hatred then bled out into every part of my life especially relationships. But I’m learning to forgive myself for these things and the weight of the world is being lifted from my shoulders and, in turn, given me a sense of peace. I can’t explain how it feels but it’s evidence that I’m healing.

When you go through trauma you develop survival instincts. These behaviors are not always healthy, but they help you to survive. Me and coach have spent many hours working on developing a new way of living. I told her recently that it feels like I’ve just walked through hell with gasoline draws on and it’s the truth. I had to do the work and hold on until the miracle happened and it finally did. I still have days and moments that are difficult, but I can see a better tomorrow only getting better.

You are enough

All the hateful messages that were taught to me by my perpetrators have been replace by positive affirmations about my capabilities. I don’t just say them. I believe and practice them in all areas of my life. Processing the trauma along with the affirmations have prepared me to make this move back to Mississippi in order to be a healthier mom for my children and for me. What I’ve had to learn is how to accept myself and to be comfortable just being me.
This has truly been a long and will continue to be a process. I have done it. And I’m doing it. I’m loving myself without reservations. I’m also forgiving myself for things I’ve done and how in my sickness I’ve treated people. Some of those relationships have made it and some haven’t. But I know now that I will be ok. Because I am enough just being me.
#thispuzzledlife

Angelica (poetry)

Angelica

She was still one that no one wanted around

Being kicked aside she was found

But no one had know her job

For she stepped up and sobbed

She was treated like property and chained like a dog

Submissive she was but she drew the short straw

Some would label her as an outgoing whoreface.

And she would have a scarlet letter she always wore

No one chose to get to know her only a label assigned

But she would soon get a new name designed

Her name would be Angelica and all she needed was grace.

For this would be the new name for her delicate and child-like face

#thispuzzledlife

The Angry Addict

The Angry Addict

Sometimes I find things that I’ve written but haven’t published on my blog. This is one of those writings….
There was a day when an angry addict walked through a treatment center door. A break from a harsh life and there would be many more. The addict was still a person, but we would prove to be one heck of a chore. Compassion was what she was craving, and her heart screamed, “More, more, more!”
This professional she was different and left judgement at the door. The patient she was also different, but she was never a bore. The pain was written all over that addict’s face. Turn her inside out and trapped inside was a very hurt child that simply needed some grace.
The addict asked, “What do you want? And why do you care?” With confidence, dark eyes and long black hair she answered, “Because you’re talking to someone who has already been there. I can tell someone has hurt you and I want you to tell me about it.” Like a puppy this grown child followed behind that confident swagger.
This one she was different, and the addict could tell. Talk about mean people from her past and present? Why did it even matter? Because when you walked in, I could recognize that war fought tattered look. He made off with your sanity like a cold and heartless crook. Wheat he showed was not love and I’m telling you the truth. You were at the mercy of a dark man and when he’s done is called abuse. I want to know the things they all did to you. Look into my eyes and know that love lives here not abuse.
We’re going to be serious for a moment so put the jokes, smiles and laughter away. My heart and stomach seemed to find that familiar sting that no one could make go away. I can see in your eyes that you’ve be battling for years. Drip, drip, drip and the grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears. Gently she said, “Let me and others love you until you can love yourself.” Know that not all people hurt you like you’ve done to yourself. She saw the addict’s heart was as raw as her arms. And told her, “You can trust me because I love, and I will not hurt you.”
The 90 days in treatment had come and gone. And now she would return to her abusive home. But someone cared about what she had been through. As she made her way to the exit she heard, “Take care of yourself. You know I think you’re different.” And then the quick reply, “And so are you.”
Five years later the addict was a student and doing exactly what she said she would do. And one day she called that professional out of the blue. Months went by and their relationship grew from a “random connection” that was true. She finally got the courage to tell that husband, “We’re through.”
Days and nights where she would learn from her compassionate teacher. Yoda was teaching her now “open-hearted” adult kid because she knew how to reach her. A visitor to their house was confused about who I was, and I said, “I’m just a close friend.” The professional known as Sarah being as serious as she could be. She looked at the visitor and said, “No she’s our daughter.” I thought wait that’s me.
She told me one day, “Dana, remember this about how he treated you……
“Not everyone can see the good in a person because they’re always looking for their faults. He missed seeing the reasons we love you and that was his fault. If you see past cuts and scrapes on your skin and can look through all the bones and into your chest and hurting heart and under the thick layers of material that help to encapsulate your that fragile heart is a secret space and in that space is some material that’s growing and bubbling over and saturating your chest cavity with something called personal beauty. And that’s what we see and love you for every day.”
Our mother/daughter relationship grew into one that survived off promises, goals, loyalty, love and mutual respect. She was my personal definition of safety. But the day would come when she would be ripped from my protective grip. By an unforgiving disease that could careless who’s heart it would strip. My heart that was wide open began sounding the retreat back behind those protective walls never again to repeat.
But my heart never lets me forget that horrible day. I went when I was called home to the hospital because of promises we both made. And when it was time, I sat at her feet knowing that soon her maker she would meet. With my heart breaking and tears rolling down my cheeks. I took one big final gasp of air with her not knowing how I could just be.
She was my everything and I was her adult kid. How lucky I was to be with her when I felt her leave. “Dana if you ever get stuck not knowing what to do. Do the next right thing and hit your knees if you choose.” Her words still guide me with her presence gone. And I would give anything for her to pick up that phone. I want her approval either right or wrong.
A year and a half later when more bad things happened and the continual hemorrhaging of a once loveable heart. And a mind and body that had continued in a war. We entered the doors of another treatment center and dragging the leftovers of what used to be a human behind me. And a day later we would meet our new professional and something internally would change.
Angry at people for being hurtful and hating this lonely life without Sarah, I began striking out at everyone and everything even those that loved me. I wanted someone or something to pay for taking her away. Relationships began falling like the twin towers. I swore that no on would get close to me for very long without me destroying the relationship just so I wouldn’t have to feel that bad and scared ever again. Sarah was still somewhere close, but I was fighting mad. But this new professional we met with fire and venom never flinched. I tried everything I could to push her away. But the next time I felt Sarah this is what she would say, “Dana leave her alone because she is one that will stay. I picked her out for you and she’s who you need starting today. She’s the one you need. So, make it happen and move there.” That wasn’t what I wanted to hear because I wanted to prove my point that she would leave like everyone else. Mad I was and madder I got because I didn’t want anyone else to love me and leave.
So, I called up Texas and again found the one that would stay. Whatever I do I just can’t let her get away. She is the last gift I felt my Sarah give. And now she’s working with this angry and very hurt adult kid. The kid screams and silently cries about what others did. For she isn’t bad she’s lost and confused. And wanting her Sarah to hold her while she’s lost and confused. That angry teenage heart that still cries tears of blood. But again, she ran into a wall of pure love.
The pain of losing Sarah has been more than I could bare. But move to Texas I did because she’s never led me astray. I don’t want people to love me so why did I move here? Because I’m that same kid that despite knowing the harsh reality of life that has hurt me so bad. Texas is still better than the desert no matter what “things” I don’t have.
Texas hasn’t been easy, and no one said it would. But we’ve been pulled along by the little engine that could. No one knew what compassion and love can do. But to heal you must expose the bad and the good stuff too. And just for taking time to listen as you always do. Coach this angry kid wants to personally thank you.
#thispuzzledlife

There’s No “I” In Team

There’s No “I” In Team

“Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.”

–Andrew Carnegie

While watching the Word Series vivid memories have come alive. The smell of the hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill blanketing the air. The feel of the cool grass during warmups. The excitement of both team’s players and fans seem to permeate every inch of the park. And the little butterflies in your stomach are attached to the love and respect you have for your teammates and coaches.

We outfielders are warming up by coaches hitting ground balls and pop flies. Then we throw them back to the coaches awaiting our next turn. I soon hear coach Nick holler, “Charlie, that was a $100 catch and a .10 throw! Try it again!” I take another turn and catch and throw with precision. He hollers, “That’s my girl! Good job!”

As game time closes in coach pulls me aside and tells us about the players for the other team. And just before we take the field coach tells me, “Charlie, I’m counting on you and your team is counting on you to lead them. Look alive out there and hit your cutoff man. Keep your eyes on me when you’re running the bases and watch the pitch hit the bat. And let’s get us a win. I’ll be right here if you need me.” I head to my position and soon hear, “PLAY BALL!!!!”

coach

In the time I’ve been in Texas, I’ve taken some of these same lessons to form the “coach/player” bond in my therapy. Coach has always told me that she wouldn’t let anything hurt me, but I had to do the work. I’ve given 110% effort and each time I’ve looked up when I was scared or didn’t know what to do coach was right there to assure me that I’m not alone. She tells me what to do and I don’t question her because I depend on her guidance through the nightmares of my trauma.

She’s seen me struggle with tears in my eyes and the strained ability to take another step forward. But she’s always said, “Dana, I’m right here if you need me. I’m not going to leave you.” Together we’ve been able to work together and now I stand on my own two feet and see life through a new set of eyes. I now have the confidence to be a mom and a wife again. And to see that I can live life with confidence. The work has been some of the hardest of my life but when I need her she’s there.

In a couple of days, I face another scary time and I know she’ll be there. My eyes will be on her, again, to look for her guidance. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and will continue to gain through this work. I’m grateful to be alive. And I still know one thing to be true, THERE’S NO “I” IN TEAM.

A good teacher, like a good entertainer first must hold his audience’s attention, then he can teach his lesson.
John Henrik Clarke

#thispuzzledlife

Freedom In My Eyes (poetry)

You start a war on your hands and knees

Crying and begging for help shouting PLEASE!

There were days were I was tired and sore

And even more days I could do nothing but crawl on the floor.

But that floor was my lonely highway of healing

Not knowing if I would live through the work because it was so grueling

I was getting some much needed schooling

But hope and determination powered me forward

And the daily work sometimes leaving me scarred

This time I was still leading a team you see

Because the athlete would activate the wolf in me

I was changing into something I would need

But this time it would be the real and authentic me

Coach was guiding me to a beautiful life

Working hard once again to be a mom and a wife

This time I look in the mirror I don’t see tears

For the first time in many years

There are no screams or cries

Because this time I see freedom in my eyes.

Reflection

Reflections

“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”
– Tony Robbins

I’ve just come back from a visit to Mississippi where Mel and the kids reside while I’m in Texas working on getting better. I’ve had a heck of a stay here. One of the many things I’ve noticed is the effect my sickness has had on them and others around me. And, honestly, it’s difficult to see. Coming back to my room, in Texas, a hard and heavy blanket of depression has descended upon me. But also, there’s hope that is continuing to prevail. I don’t know what’s ahead in the future but I do know one thing…. I will continue to accept my mental illness and get better.
Lately, I’ve been very depressed, and anxiety filled about an unsure future. This falls under a term simply known as “future trippin’”. Quite fitting don’t you think? Anyway, I’ve given my worries to the universe in preparation for more hard work and an upcoming surgery. The rest will just have to work itself out for better or worse. The only thing I know to do is to continue to work on my healing and becoming the best person I can.
Recently, my parents, Mel and my therapist who are my biggest supporters and cheerleaders have left me with a sayings and thoughts reminding me that, “I’m the only one who can change my future is me.” Simplistic as this might seem, it holds a lot of truth. No matter what’s going on around me, I’m the only one responsible for me. The future is left up to someone higher than me. All I can do is hope for the best.
I challenge anyone reading this to put aside things you can’t control and to work towards your truth in being the best person you can be. And to leave the future where it supposed to be because it’s not called “the present” for a reason.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift—that’s why it is called the present. Enjoy it.”
—-Alan Johnson

#thispuzzledlife