Medical Marijuana

darnold1975

What Is “Scromiting?”

“If puking is punctuation, scromiting is writing in all caps.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about the some of the latest news in cannabis. There is a condition that is linked to chronic cannabis use known as “scromiting.” Let’s look at the latest news surrounding this unpleasant condition.

  “Scromiting” is a term for the condition known as Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome (CHS). It was once thought to be rare. But now it’s being seen almost daily in emergency rooms. The term is a combination of screaming and vomiting. And it’s linked to chronic, heavy marijuana use. The patient experiences intense abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting that causes them to cry out in distress (https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/02/health/scromiting-marijuana-vomiting-syndrome-wellness#:~:text=Still%2C%20why%20would%20the%20same,weed%20are%20affected%20by%20CHS.)

CHS is a condition where cannabis is used to alleviate nausea and vomiting. However, in some long-term heavy users, the high levels of THC can disrupt the body’s endocannabinoid system, which will cause the direct opposite effect. It binds to the receptors in your brain, spinal cord, gastrointestinal tract, and other body tissues. Common symptoms include persistent nausea, repeated vomiting and retching (up to 5 times an hour), intense abdominal discomfort or pain, fear of throwing up, and loss of appetite (https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/high-potency-weed-linked-psychotic-episodes-mysterious-vomiting-illness-young-n1273463#:~:text=Scromiting%20cases%20have%20increased%20as,as%20high%20as%2090%20percent.)

This condition has become more common with the rising potency of THC in today’s cannabis market. And surprisingly, patients report that they find relief in a very hot shower or bath. The reasons why this seems to help is still unknown. This is not a reaction due to a single use. And not all heavy users develop the condition. Patients who develop CHS often report large daily amounts of THC with as much as 2,000 milligrams in a day. And it’s typically seen in heavy concentrate users in which THC levels are around 60%-90% (https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/02/health/scromiting-marijuana-vomiting-syndrome-wellness#:~:text=Still%2C%20why%20would%20the%20same,weed%20are%20affected%20by%20CHS.)

Cannabis Hyperemesis Syndrome occurs in phases:

§  Prodromal Phase: Early morning nausea and mild abdominal discomfort without actually vomiting. This phase can last for months or years.

§  Hyperemetic Phase: This is the phase where “scromiting” occurs. Recurrent bouts of severe nausea, intense abdominal pain, and frequent vomiting that can last for hour or days. 

§  Recovery Phase: Symptoms resolve completely after the individual stops using cannabis.

The immediate medical treatment for an episode involves IV fluids,  and anti-nausea medications. And due to the amount of vomiting that takes place, rehydration is a must to prevent organ failure. And sadly, the long-term solution to prevent recurrence is the complete stopping of cannabis use (https://www.discovermagazine.com/the-strange-rise-of-scromiting-most-common-among-young-heavy-cannabis-users-48351.)

The state of Mississippi, where I live, has a limit of 60% on concentrates. But there are some people that need the higher percentages to maintain a therapeutic dose for their conditions. I don’t know if this research is specifically related to bingeing or not. And I have also read where CBD can also cause “scromiting.” Unfortunately, you do not know if you’re susceptible to this condition until it begins happening. And no matter how much time goes by from cessation, the minute someone uses cannabis again, these terrible symptoms will continue.

I think that this is a horrible thing as cannabis has saved millions of lives. And for me cannabis will a be a part of my life for as long as possible. In the information that you have just read, 2,000 milligrams a day is an extreme about of cannabis. And I would be willing to bet that this high of a dose are related to edibles as many don’t understand how powerful they are and can be. So, at this point, I’m still willing to take my chances. Thanks for reading!

Affirmation: Everything will be okay. Not great but okay.

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Budtender Moment: Red Runtz Strain Review

“It’s hard to be mean when you’re stoned. “

-Bill Lee

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to discuss a strain known as Red Runtz. This sassy little strain gives you that get up and go” th50at is sure to make your day productive.

Red Runtz is a 50/50 hybrid cross between Runtz X Red Pop. Runtz is a very popular hybrid strain that is a cross between Zkittlez x Gelato. Red Pop is a  60/40 indica-dominant hybrid strain from Strawberry x Cookies & Cream. This strain has a very sweet and fruity taste.

Top terpenes are Caryophyllene, Limonene and Humulene. And patients report relief from anxiety, stress, depression, nausea, and insomnia. This is another good strain for that mid-day needing a “pick-me-up” at lunch time. Not bad for a strain where you can experience a nice “chill” moment to get ready for the rest of the day. Keep blazin.’ Stay safe.

Affirmation: I am grateful for the plant that helps me relax and find joy in life’s simple blessings.

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Cereal Milk Strain Review

“Wanna smoke? Alpaca bowl.”

-Unknown

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to talk about a strain called “Cereal Milk.” I don’t know about you, but I love to turn up the milk in my bowl and drink the leftover cereal milk. Let’s talk for a minute.

Cereal Milk is a balanced hybrid for a well-rounded sesh. And the taste from  beginning to end is one of sweet creaminess. And it’s not a really dank smelling strain. And the genetics are Snowman x Y-Life. On closer look Snowman is another phenotype of Girl Scout Cookies. . Y-Life is a cross of Gelato x OG Kush. These genetics are off the hinge! GSC and OG Kush is all that needs to be said. The initial high is very cerebral with a nice balancing body high.

Medical patients report relief from symptoms like chronic stress, nausea or appetite loss, chronic fatigue, depression, migraines, and chronic pain. Major terpenes are trans-Caryophyllene, Linalool, a-Humulene. In my opinion this strain could be for anyone novice or seasoned. And it would be one good right before work or at lunch. This one has helped me stay more focused and adjust my attitude for the better. Thanks for reading. Keep blazin.’

Affirmation: Cannabis is a tool that enhances focus and awareness.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Zoo Dog Infused Preroll Strain Review

“I got 99 problems and 420 solutions.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to tell you about the “hash hole” or “doughnut” that I will use to celebrate National Hash Hole Day. The strain that I’m going to tell you about is called Zoo Dog.

Zoo Dog is a 70/30 indica-dominant hybrid. It is a cross between Gorilla Glue #4 x Chemdawg. Gorilla Glue #4 is a three way cross between Chem’s Sister x Sour Dubb x Chocolate Diesel. Chemdawg is an indica-dominant hybrid whose exact lineage is unknown. The genetics in this strain are amazing. GG #4 x Chemdawg were some of the first specific strains that tried when I initially got on medical cannabis. These strains are fire on their own. But with the combination of these strains and then a nice strip of concentrate is absolutely a bonfire.

The top terpenes in this strain are Limonene, Humulene, Isopulegol, and B-Caryophyllene. Patients report relief from conditions such as chronic pain, depression, headaches, migraines, anxiety, sleep, and stress. What I can personally tell you about my experience is that you better take your Cheetos to the couch with you. This infused preroll that is sitting at 43.04% will have you growing into the fabric of the couch or recliner within a few tokes. Thanks for reading! Keep blazin.’

Affirmation: My body is filled with healing energy whenever I inhale cannabis.

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darnold1975

Let’s Celebrate National Hash Hole Day!

“I’m not a great pothead or anything like that…but weed is much, much less dangerous than alcohol.”

-Bill Maher

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about the cannabis holiday 11/30.

The cannabis holiday was developed by adding the well-known cannabis holidays 4/20 and the cannabis concentrate holiday 7/10. Together they form a holiday that is about the combination of concentrates and flower. And since Thanksgiving is synonymous with gorging ourselves with food, edibles also seem like a good fit. There are other products known as “doughnuts” or “hash holes.”

The new holiday began November 30, 2023, in Los Angeles and was called National Hash hole Day. It consists of a fat joint of high-quality cannabis with a rosin-filled center. And when it burns there is a hold that is formed all the way down the center. As someone who enjoys these types of products, I can say with confidence that you need to make sure that you have nothing to do. It is a very strong high that has the ability to couch lock you for a couple of hours. It’s like smoking flower and hitting dabs all at the same time (https://www.visithollyweed.com/first-annual-national-hashhole-day-on-11-30-features-berner-marcos-surita/, 2023).

Thanks for reading! Have a safe and happy National Hash Hole Day!

Affirmation: I only share my kindest buds with my kindest buds, and vice versa.

***Don’t forget to watch the video! Because of the cannabis content I wasn’t able to embed the link. But the link is right down there.***

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https://youtu.be/TVRPktm6DvM?si=M5_e59YVUST-V0tg

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Budtender Moment: Black Velvet Strain Review

“I don’t smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke it to make reality funnier.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. This little genetically mysterious strain  that will help with the stress of the “Black Friday” hoopla.

Black Velvet is a 50/50 hybrid with rumors of the genetics being a cross between The Black X Burmese Kush. The Black is a 90% indica-dominant hybrid that is derived from Afghan, Vietnamese, and Mexican landraces. But the exact genetics I have yet to find. Burmese Kush is a cross between Burmese x SFV OG Kush (San Fernando Valley).

The major terpene found is Pinene. And this is usually the terpene that handles the added dose of anxiety. However, the dark strains are typically indica-dominant. This will help tremendously with that tiring day of shopping. Patients have reported relief from anxiety, some chronic pain, glaucoma, bipolar disorder with associated mood swings,  and eating disorders. Keep blazin.’ And stay safe.

Affirmation: I am choosing a strain and dosage that supports my intentions and enhances my experience.

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Green Crack Strain Review

“The best way I could describe the effect of the marijuana and hashish is that it would make me relaxed and creative.”

-Steve Jobs

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. I’m going to tell you about a strain that will be the perfect “get up and go”  that you need to help make it through this Thanksgiving Holiday and beyond.

Green Crack was the name that Snoop Dogg gave to the strain Green Cush. It is a sativa hybrid that will give you a shot of energy and a calmness for dealing with all of the crowds surrounding Thanksgiving. I will warn you about this strain being known to cause an increase in anxiety. For those that enjoy sativas, I will not fight you for this one. But for people like us who have panic attacks, this is an arch nemesis.

This strain’s genetics are a cross between Skunk #1 x and an unknown indica. It’s a 65/35 sativa dominant. And trust me, it’s very sativa. The top terpenes in this strain are myrcene, caryophyllene, and pinene. Pinene is the big anxiety terpene. The other two are used with pain which is usually seen in indica-dominant strains. Don’t get too brave with this one if you have anxiety.

The taste is one that is a mixture of fruity, pine and sweet. And if I’m honest, I would tell you that the taste is actually pretty good compared to heavy indicas that taste hazy. Medical benefits include depression, ADHD, migraines, fatigue, bipolar, chronic pain, appetite, and stress.

The opinion about the effects of this strain are mine only. However, it might work differently for you. The beauty of cannabis is that there is no “one size fits all.” What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. Thanks for reading! Keep blazin’!

Affirmation: I love that I love weed as much as I love weed.

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Happy Green Wednesday And Danksgiving!

“Indeed, marijuana is less toxic thatn many of the drugs that physicians prescribe every day.”

-Goldleaf

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about the next stoner recognized day, Green Wednesday. I know. I know. All the stoner’s just want another weed day, right? The truth is that it’s 420 at my house 24/7. Let me explain this day to you.

Green Wednesday is a holiday that started in 2016 and is also known as the beginning of “Danksgiving” that refers to the cannabis-infused meals and celebration. It was when cannabis companies began to notice a consistent increase in their sale right before Thanksgiving each year. Retailers saw the rise in sales more than a coincidence.

We cannabis enthusiasts use cannabis products intentionally around these days. I use because of the personal chaos in my family. And personally, I would rather get hit by a car than spend the holidays with some members of my family. And quite frankly, there’s not enough weed on the planet to make that situation comfortable. It is seen as the Black Friday of the cannabis world (https://nueracannabis.com, 2024).

Go to your local dispensaries and check out all of their sales and stock up on the products created with this beautiful plant. And now would be a good time to also stock up for 11/30. I will definitely be adding to my already beautiful stash as well. Thanks for reading and enjoy the holiday season relaxed while deflecting all the BS that sometimes comes with the historical time of getting together with families.

Affirmation: I inhale peace and exhale stress with every breath.

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Moroccan Peaches Strain Review

“Kush rolled, glass full. I prefer the better things.”

-Rihana

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to discuss a cannabis strain called Moroccan Peaches. And peachy it is!

I don’t know about you. But when I heard this name, I instantly thought about a warm peach cobbler. I know. It’s a very southern thought. This strain is considered a 50/50 hybrid. And I would have to put it above the hybrid strain Pink Peanut. But not by much. 

The genetics for this strain is a cross of Spanish Barbara x Lemon Tree Skorange. Let’s look at the genetics a little closer. Spanish Barbara is known for  its Barbara Bud #23 phenotype. It’s also known for being a sativa-dominant plant with a peach aroma. And I can tell you that the peachy flavors come through so well. From the minute you inhale, the peach aroma follows the entire experience. And before you can exhale this strain hits with gusto.

Lemon Tree Skorange is also a 50/50 hybrid strain known for its lemon flavor profile. And it is believed to be a cross between Lemon Skunk x Sour Diesel. Skorange is a hybrid of Cali O  and OG Kush. And deep in its lineage is THC Bomb. Which is responsible for having a lemon scent and OG Kush dankness.

Moroccan Peaches hits your brain hits your brain with energy but also with a nice indica balance. And for me, it made me a little “chatty Kathy.” Patients report  relief from chronic stress, chronic fatigue, depression, mood swings, migraines, and PMS. Terpene profile include B-Caryophyllene, Limonene, and a-Humulene. Thanks for reading. And keep blazin.’

Affirmation: Happiness is a journey, not a destination, and cannabis keeps it smooth sailing.

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Budtender Moment: Candied Apples Strain Review

“Weed taught me patience. Mostly because I forget what I was doing.”

-Unknown

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to tell you about the strain known as Candied Apples. This one fits the time of year perfectly.

Candied Apples is a sativa-dominant hybrid that is a cross between Blueberry x Pineapple x Afghan. Blueberry is an indica-dominant hybrid cross between Purple Thai x Thai. Pineapple also known as “Pineapple OG” hybrid of possible genetics between OG Kush x Golden Goat x Pineapple Kush. Afghan is a naturally occurring stain in the Hindu Kush area of Afghanistan with minimal human influence. Thank you to the indica-dominant strains for taming the sativa influence.

Top terpenes include Pinene, Myrcene and Limonene. And it has been known to provide relief from depression, stress, and anxiety. Even though this strain shows a slight dominance of sativa in the terpenes, I didn’t have to worry about the additional anxiety. Another great lunchtime strain. Keep blazin.’ And stay safe.

Affirmation: I am using cannabis mindfully to achieve my goals, whether it’s focus, relaxation, or creativity.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Banana Cream Cake Strain Review

“Some of my finest hours have been spent on my back veranda, hemp and observing as far as my eye can see.”

-Thomas Jefferson

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to review the strain Banana Cream Pie. Yep, doesn’t it sound like a strain that would go well during the Thanksgiving holiday? Sit tight, while I describe this nice add to the holidays.

Banana Cream Cake a.k.a Banana Cake is a sativa-dominant hybrid. This strain is made by crossing Wedding Cake x Monkey Banana. This has become one to add to my list of likes. With it being a sativa-dominant strain, I was a little skeptical about whether I would like it. But this little girl is a nice strain.

This strain hit me directly in the eyes like a prized fighter. But it’s not too anxiety provoking. I would be cautious with novice users. Because it will sneak up on you with it’s powerful kick. Patients choose this strain to help with symptoms of chronic depression, anxiety, and pain. I know. There is enough indica in it to tame that anxiety associated with sativas.

This strain was on Leafly’s top 12 strains of 2022 harvest. And what a sweet beauty she is. The sweetness of vanilla combined with chestnuts give this strain a sweet and hardy flavoring. Dominant terpenes are Limonene, trans-Caryophyllene and Linalool. Those with anxiety issues can enjoy but need to be careful and not overdo it.

Thanks for reading! Keep smilin’ and blazin.’

Affirmation: I am grateful for how cannabis expands my creative ability.

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Budtender Moment: Ghost Vapor OG Strain Review

“It’s hard to be mean when you’re stoned.”

-Bill Lee, Naked Lunch

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to share a strain that keeps with the image of Halloween. It’s a paranormal strain known as Ghost Vapor OG. This little beauty is one to help keep you beautifully high.

Ghost Vapor OG is an indica-dominant hybrid cross between Purple Punch x Ghost OG. And if we want to dive into the “grandparent” strains, Purple Punch is a cross of Grandaddy Purple x Larry OG. And Ghost OG is a cross of Afghani Indica x OG Kush. It’s said to be similar to the strain Brue Banner. Top terpenes are a-Bisabolol, B-Myrcene, and a-Pinene. There is supposed to be a heavy pine taste. However, I’m using a  concentrated vape cart. The taste has zero pine taste. It has a sweet taste instead. 

On a 5 scale this product is a solid 4. It’s one that needs to be used with caution with novice users. The medical effects include treating anxiety, stress and also helps with depression. I also used it for chronic pain. And it’s said to also be good for the pain of arthritis, headaches and back pain. And I totally agree. Thanks for reading! Keep smiling. And keep blazin’!

Affirmation: I am worthy of being hydrated, high, and happy.

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Soul Assassin Strain Review

“I don’t smoke marijuana, but I eat it.”

-Bob Dylan

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to tell you about a strain called Soul Assassin. As domestic violence awareness month winds down and seeing the damage that abuse can do to someone, I thought that the cannabis strain for today was absolutely perfect. Because of being trapped mentally or physically from seeking freedom, often times for years, it feels like the perpetrator has literally assassinated your soul. 

Soul Assassin is a heavy indica-dominant hybrid. Domestic violence is something heavy that is like a wrecking ball in the victim’s life. But this strain is heavy in regard to healing. It’s just what the doctor order for the overstimulation of PTSD. The genetics of this strain is a cross between OG Kush x Sour Diesel. Most like myself, who have been in the cannabis community for many years, know that these are a couple strains that many would consider staples. OG Kush is a cross between Hindu Kush x Lemon Thai x Chemdawg. Sour Diesel is a cross between  Northern Lights x Chemdawg.

The medical benefits associated with this strain include relief from insomnia, anxiety, mood disorders, stress, chronic pain, depression, and inflammation. The top terpenes are B-myrcene, terpinolene, B-Pinene. I got a lot of relief with this strain. I would also encourage you to plan on not going anywhere. As “couchlock” can be a reality. Thanks for reading! Keep blazin.’

Affirmation: I smoke my weed and mind my business.

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Budtender Moment: Purp Fiction Strain Review

“You’re ganja have an enjoyable time.”

-Unknown

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to review the strain known as “Purp Fiction.” This purple strain stays in-line with the purple awareness color.

Purp Fiction is an equal hybrid cross between Melonade X Kong’s Kush. Melonade is a cross between Watermelon Zkittlez x Lemon Tree. Kong’s Kush is a cross between Banana Punch x Wonder Pie. On inhale this strain tastes like wine with a berry and nutty combination.

The major terpenes are B-Caryophyllene, b-Myrcene, Limonene, Humulene and Linalool. And the medical benefits provide relief from stress, anxiety, headaches, insomnia, and pain. I would save this one for when you don’t need to worry about the next couple of hours. This is a strain that helps me out just enough to manage some of my chronic pain for a nice nighttime rest. Keep blazin’ and stay safe.

Affirmation: My cannabis use supports my well-being and helps me connect with my inner peace.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

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Budtender Moment: Mike Tyson Knockout 2.0 Strain Review

“I think America’s view on weed is ridiculous. If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place.”

-Kirsten Dunst

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I’m going to review strains that go along with Domestic Violence Awareness. Don’t get offended by the names of the products. This strain is called Mike Tyson Knockout 2.0. And boy does it have power in its makeup. 

The name itself is one that fits this strain perfectly. It is also known as “Mike Tyson” and “Mike Tyson OG.” The exact lineage is unknown. However, I can tell you that this strain is dank and powerful. If I were to describe the odor of this strain. It is STANKY! It’s got aromas of diesel, pungent and skunky.

The dominant terpene is myrcene which arrests pain at its origin. And the side effects are sleepy, happy and hungry. This is a strain for experienced consumers. This strain won’t “couch lock” you. It will bury you under the couch. And does wonders for chronic pain and insomnia. This strain will hit you with a 1-2 punch. Make sure you have nothing that needs to be done for a couple of hours after toking. Thanks for reading! Keep Smiling. Keep Laughing. And keep blazing!

Affirmation: I am sativa happy and indica relaxed.

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Budtender Moment: Pink Peanut Strain Review

“Whatever I do, I do it better stoned.”

-Unknown

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Today, I’m going to review strains that go along with Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Locally a strain called Pink Peanut.

This strain has a long linage of Runtz. We know that it’s probably going to have a sweet candy taste initially. But then that little speck of gas trails behind come in and give it a sour ending. The genetics are Pink Runtz x Peanut Butter Runtz. Just those names says sweet sativa. Pink Runtz has origins of Gelato x Zkittlez or Pink Panties and Rainbow Sherbert. Peanut Butter Runtz aka Butter Runtz has origins as an indica-dominant hybrid by crossing Runtz x Peanut Butter Breath. 

I know that is a long of linage information for the strain. I wanted to give you some things to investigate further about this strain. It is a great hybrid with linage strains that were award winners. So, champions are not anything knew to this flower. It’s totally a strain that you can “Wake n’ Bake” and continue to be productive. The indica is nice and not too heavy. This strain would be good for anyone on the cannabis continuum. For a hybrid, the total package is how you explain this strain. Good taste. Good medicine. And Good Blazin’! 

Affirmation: Being a stoner has taught me that I can problem solve, build new things, and give old things new life. 

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Budtender Moment: Purple Canyon Strain Review

“You know you’re a stoner when your bong gets washed more than your dishes.”

-Unknown

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Staying in-line with the purple awareness color, I’m going to tell you about a strain called Purple Canyon. 

Purple Canyon is an indica-dominant hybrid that is a cross between Topanga Canyon x Purple Punch. Topanga Canyon is an equal hybrid of Topanga x Sweatband. Purple Punch is a cross between Larry OG x Grandaddy Purple. And this strain has a “hazy” taste that is typical of purple strains. The “hazy” taste is one that reminds me of a “mold and mildew” smell of an older house.

The main terpenes in this strain are trans-Caryophyllene, Myrcene and Linalool. And the medical benefits include anxiety, body aches, appetite stimulation, chronic pain, and insomnia. This is a very average potency. It is mild enough for a lunchtime break and regrouping. And not strong enough to give you “couch lock.” Keep blazin.’ And stay safe.

Affirmation: I embrace the moments of calm and creativity that cannabis brings to my day.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

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Budtender Moment: Brett Farve Concentrate Strain Review

“Whatever I do, I do it better stoned.“

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to discuss a cannabis strain concentrate called Brett Farve. I know what you’re thinking. She wrote about this one earlier this year. Well, just when you thought that was the end of that magnificent strain, they come through with a  concentrate. And since we’re heading into football season, I thought it would be a perfect strain name for the occasion.

Fire! Fire! Fire! Is how I would describe this concentrate. One thing I’ve come to understand about the cannabis industry is that sometimes, for marketing purposes, strains already have a name and then a company comes along and just assigns it a novelty name. And I’m pretty sure that this “Brett Farve” strain is one of those. Most companies will provide strain genetics for we cannabis nerds.  But for some strange reason the exact genetics are not being told. And for me, it helps to identify the terpenes and strains that fit both my medical and psychological needs.

I described this very potent and gassy strain in an earlier  blog. But this concentrate is gassy wax that is sure not to disappoint. Brett Farve might’ve retired from the NFL. But this cannabis concentrate won the Super Bowl in my opinion. And one thing I know about stinky flower is that the concentrate is just a big “stink fest” with a beautiful high. This concentrate peaked at around 58%.

This strain is not for novice users. Because the probability of “greening out” is extremely high. For my fellow dabbers, jump on this concentrate. Beware that this indica will have you with such heavy “couch lock” that you won’t even remember if you have Cheetos in your house for those “atomic munchies.” Nevertheless, this concentrate must be used to fully give credit where credit is due.

Any Brett Farve products that I have sought out don’t stay around for very long. And it’s potency and medicinal benefits are some that can be enjoyed by all with caution. If you don’t enjoy heavy indicas, this strain is not for you especially in concentrate products. But I would make sure that I didn’t have much to do. Late evening when you can get blasted right before going to sleep is what this strain was made for. Thanks for reading. Keep blazin!

Affirmation: I release any shame or stigma over using cannabis.

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Budtender Moment: Purple Cookies Strain Review

“Weed is from the earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage, man, take advantage.”

-Smokey (Chris Tucker), Friday

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. With part of the awareness colors for suicide awareness being purple, you know I had to represent with a purple strain. Sit back for a few minutes and allow me to educate you on this little beauty.

Purple Cookies is a 50/50 hybrid. It’s a cross between Cookie F2 x Purple Caper. You initially get that “hazy” strain taste which is also very earthy. And I’ll be honest; I had to smoke almost an entire bowl before I felt anything. Part of that could be that I smoke very heavy indicas to manage my medical needs. 

Patients report relief from stress, anxiety and depression. It’s also used to help with chronic pain, insomnia and muscle  spasms. I can tell you that I have a lot of the same issues. This strain didn’t do much for me in regard to chronic pain or insomnia. And that’s probably due to the sativa half of the hybrid.

The main terpene is myrcene. And it’s a strain that would be perfect for inexperienced users. You won’t get “couch lock.” And it would be perfect to use it during a lunch break. Overall, it’s not strong, but I can’t say that it’s bad medicine. It could be perfect for your individual needs. Thanks for reading! And keep blazing!

Affirmation: I won’t share blunts with people who won’t share roaches with me.

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Veteran Suicide

“The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.”

-Douglas McArthur

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today, I want to discuss veteran suicide. I know that this topic has seemed to get old and fast. However, I believe that the more we talk about the harshness of life, the more the stigmas will begin to disappear.

In 2022, the most recent year for the current data, 6,407 veterans and 41,484 nonveteran adults died by suicide. The rate among veterans was 34.7 per 100,000 compared to 17.1 per 100,000 for nonveterans. Since 2005, veteran suicide has risen faster than any other group. And these rates are unacceptable.

The veterans who died by suicide in that year, 40% were under the care of the Veterans Health Administration. Among those patients, who were also diagnosed with a mental health disorder or substance abuse disorder, there were 56.4 per 100,000, which was twice the rate of those without a diagnosis. And among 1,548 veterans who died by suicide 64% were diagnosed with depression, 43% had an anxiety disorder, 40% had PTSD, and 32% had an alcohol use disorder. However, the highest suicide rates were associated with veterans who had sedative use disorder which include benzodiazepines, barbiturates, and opiates (www.rand.org, 2025). And the stigma about mental health in the military further increase this problem.

Aspects of Veteran Mental Health stigma:

·       Fear of judgment and perception:  Veterans worry about how seeking help will affect all areas of their lives and especially on career repercussions.

·       Military culture: The “warrior ethos” which emphasizes self-reliance and stoicism create barriers to seeking help.

·       Loss of security clearance: Some fear that seeking mental health treatment will lead to revocation of security clearances.

·       Impact on treatment: stigmas can lead to untreated mental health conditions, substance abuse and increased risk of suicide.

·       Self-stigma: Veterans may internalize negative societal views about mental health which can lead to shame, self-blame, and more reluctance to seek help (https://oxfordtreatment.com, 2025).

As an advocate for medical cannabis, I believe that our veterans should be given an ounce of cannabis the minute their feet hit US soil upon returning from active duty. As I personally deal with PTSD, there is not another medication on the planet that can bring me relief like cannabis can. And it’s such a safer alternative to alcohol, opiates, and benzodiazepine medications.

Currently,  the Safe Healing Act, which was introduced on February 4, 2025,  is designed to prohibit the Secretary of Veterans Affairs from denying a veteran benefit administered by the Secretary by reason of the veteran  participating in a State-approved marijuana program and other purposes. But unfortunately, there is only a 3% chance of being enacted (www.govtrack.us, 2025). And I consider this utterly ridiculous. There is an unmistakable problem with veteran suicide. It appears Big Pharma is still in the way of progress. I wonder how many people who oppose this bill must suffer, daily, with the horrible effects of PTSD, anxiety, and chronic pain that “Big Pharma” can’t seem to help?

Our returning soldiers are faced with horrors that no one understands until they’ve been there. And though I have never served our country, I can tell you that the above-mentioned mental health disorders have also almost taken my life many times. The symptoms are horrific in nature. Put chronic pain in the mix and suicide often seems like the only answer to have a break, though it be permanent, for even a moment of peace.

Veterans, in my eyes, should be held to the utmost respect. They should be the highest paid employees before professional athletes. And we as a country should make sure that the best treatment is available to them for the rest of their lives. Some have paid the price of their lives on the battlefield. And a high percentage of others pay with their lives when they return home. But instead of treating them like the heroes like they are, they are often discarded by the government that they so proudly serve. 

Is cannabis the only answer? Not at all. However, while they find the modality that works for them, I think that cannabis could lighten the load and make their futures seem a little brighter. Discarding them along with all the judgmental stigmas only adds to the problem. And until this is rectified, we will continue to lose those beautiful people who are willing, at any moment, to lay down their lives for our freedoms. Shame on the United States of America for treating them like that!

I know reading this is not easy. But we as a nation must stand up for these individuals who continue to pay the price every time, they open their eyes. Let’s get past the “reefer madness” ignorance and allow our veterans the opportunity to extend their lives at home. A special thanks and salute to one of my favorite veterans who I’ll call Joe. Thanks for reading! And God Bless America!

Affirmation: Bring out your inner warrior

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Budtender Moment: Black Cadillac Concentrate Strain Review 

“It makes me feel the way I need to feel.”

-Snoop Dogg

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. As I pay my respects to all of the victims and family members who were affected by September 11, 2001, the color of the awareness ribbon is black. And I could think of no other type of cannabis product that fit this unfortunate date than a concentrate called Black Cadillac Special Indica.

As we take a moment to recognize all the lives that were forever changed, I couldn’t think of a more respectful name. The black Cadillac has always been a vehicle associated with importance and status. And the innocent victims and heroes that gave their lives in order to save others, will always be seen not only as familial heroes but also as “American heroes.” 

Black Cadillac is a cross between Purple Punch x Ghost Vapor OG. Purple Punch genetics are a cross between Larry OG x Grandaddy Purple. Ghost Vapor OG is a cross between Ghost OG x Purple Punch. Right here you can tell that it’s almost a straight indica. I used this by way of a concentrate dablicator.

Patients report relief chronic pain, stress, anxiety and insomnia. And I also believe this to be true. This  combination is truly a special indica. I wouldn’t recommend this product for a beginner, as you might not be quite ready for the punch to the chest that will be felt. Nevertheless, this beauty will truly help relieve some of the stress and discomfort on the remembrance day that changed the face of our great nation. Thanks for reading! And continue blazin’ fellow stoners!

Affirmation: I love everyone at every sesh. Some I love when they enter; some I love when they leave.

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Budtender Moment: Purple Chiesel Strain Review

“Let us burn one from end to end, and pass it over to me, my friend.”

-Ben Harper

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy, go away. Today, I want to review the strain, Purple Chiesel. This strain is considered an equal hybrid depending on exact genetics. However, the strain I tried was a heavy indica. And it locked me down quick. Keeping with the purple awareness color, this one is on my top five strains of all time. Also keep in mind that flowers can be bred of either indica or sativa strains. That’s why it’s important to get the genetics from the dispensary where they are bought.

Exact genetics are only guestimates because I have seen this strain portrayed as a sativa dominant hybrid. Lineage is Chiesel x Mendo Purps. Chiesel is a cross of NYC Diesel x Cheese. And spicy is one all levels. I was preparing for much less. At over 25% it stretches its legs. I instantly reclined back in my chair for a little nap. It has the “purple/hazy” taste. 

Patients report relief from stress, bipolar disorder, epilepsy, arthritis, and chronic pain. Terpenes are Geraniol, Limonene, b-myrcene, Nerolidol and Linalool. As always, thanks for reading. And keep blazin’ fellow stoners!

Affirmation: I release any shame or stigma over using cannabis.

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Budtender Moment: Purple Rain Strain Review

“The biggest killer on the planet is stress, and I still think the best medicine is and always been cannabis.”

-Willie Nelson

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today’s strain review will be on the strain Purple Rain. This is another “purple” strain as we continue to bring awareness and prevention for those who are touched, in some way, by suicide. Purple strains are usually dark and indica, which is right up my alley. As with most strains, there is typically more than one terpene profile depending on the genetics. This was the one that I tried.

Purple Rain is an indica-dominant strain and a cross between Chemdawg x Purple Candy Kush x OG Kush. Just looking at the “plant family” genetics, I know that both OG Kush and  Chemdawg are strong and dank fuel taste between the two. And Purple Candy, I assume is a sativa because of the Candy.

This strain I wasn’t sure would be what I needed. On inhale it definitely tastes like a typical purple strain with that “hazy” taste. And for me it acted like a hybrid “creeper” strain. But then that Purple Rain began falling down on me and by the end I was so faded. 

Patients report relief from symptoms of anxiety, depression and stress. And I agree. Terpenes in this strain are Limonene, Caryophyllene and Linalool. Probably on of the reasons that the effects came on slower, even at 26% THC. Myrcene is the terpene that can give you that hard “couch lock.” But I have to admit that this is still a nice strain.

Affirmation: It’s called CANnabis not CANTabis.

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Budtender Moment: Forbidden Runtz Strain Review

“Let us burn one from end to end, and pass it over to me, my friend.”

-John Lennon

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I’m going to review the cannabis strain Forbidden Runtz. I know, the name had me curious as well. This strain is like when you meet someone and they’re all sweet initially. And then there’s some kind of stink that surprises you at the end. That’s what this little “sweet and stinky” little “twink” is all about.

The lineage for this strain goes like this. It’s a cross of Cherry Pie x Tangie. Let’s look at this a little deeper. The “grand” genetics for Cherry Pie are in one version Grandaddy Purple x F1 Durban Poison. And that’s where the “indica” presents itself genetically. Tangie is a cross of Tangerine Dream x Skunk #1 x California Orange. I’ve had several of the strains that are in this lineage that are very enjoyable. This strain has stink all through it, but the Runtz soften the taste for those that don’t like diesel taste. 

The only advice I have for using this strain is “Sit down and get comfortable” for a few minutes and then you can leave. I began taking small tokes because the flavors are all over the place. Initially you get the sweetness of the Runts. And then on the back end comes a little sour fuel taste. The major terpene is myrcene with is associated with pain relief. This strain is still not the strongest that I’ve ever smoked but I still score it at above a 4 on a 5 scale.

This strain for me is a “total package” from beginning to end. The flavors are all over the place. And when concentrating on deciphering all those, you are getting absolutely ripped. I can’t complain about this strain. Tell me what you think. Keep smoking. Keep smiling. And continue moving forward. 

Affirmation: I love the way cannabis makes me feel about myself.

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Devil’s Den Strain Review

“Smoke the marijuana and get high. Stay above the wicked and fly.”

-Snoop Dogg

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Nothing says August heat in the south like a description of the devil. Like whenever you leave your house in the morning, you step outside, and it feels like the devil just farted in your face. So, for this strain review we will be looking at one called Devil’s Den.

Devil’s Den is an indica-dominant hybrid that is a cross of Devil Driver x Apple Mints. The grand genetics in Devil Driver are Melonade x Sundae Driver sativa-dominant strain. Apple Mints is an indica-dominant hybrid strain that is a cross of Apple Fritter x Kush Mints. This strain acts more sativa than indica. And is a great strain to have on a lunch break that won’t cause “couch lock” like heavier indicas.

This is not a bad strain by any means. I’m just a very heavy indica user. When the southern heat and humidity get you down, grab some of this flower and take time out to remember the beauty of the season. And knowing that there are fewer hot days remaining than when we first began. 

Terpene profile on this flower is Linalool and Limonene. It works great for aches and mild pain, depression and stress. Again, not too heavy. And if you like hybrids it’s almost a true 50/50. However, there is the lean towards the sativa side where I would place it more 70/30a dominant. Thanks for reading! Keep smiling. Keep laughing. And keep blazin’!

Affirmation: I smoke my weed and mind my business.

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Budtender Moment: GMO Strain Review

“There was a point I was embarrassed at how much thought I put into weed. But I’ve embraced it.”

-Seth Rogan

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to highlight one of my favor cannabis strains, GMO. This girl has “diesel dyke” written all over her. Or maybe the “Diet Coke Man” from the commercials where he is sweating without his shirt working on tires. He might even be hanging from scaffolding, again without a shirt, drinking Diet Coke not working. Either way, this strain name must be “STINKY!”

GMO strain is also known as “Garlic Cookies.” It’s an indica dominant strain of Chemdawg x Girl Scout Cookies. And the very first thing you will notice is that stinky, dank aroma. And the lineage is also very stinky. But once it hits, have the Cheetos nearby. It has a very distinct aroma of garlic and cookies. Combined the smell resembles the smell of diesel. If you like straight diesel strains without the combination of fruity strains used to tone down the taste, this is like you are smoking diesel fumes. You either love it or hate it. The terpene profile is dominated by caryophyllene, limonene, myrcene and humulene. 

This “little stinker” wraps her cannabis arms around my shoulders, and we cuddle for the next 30 minutes. And I revel in the experience of a momentary state of total completeness. She has been great for my pain and insomnia. GMO is not a strain that you should use prior to going to work unless you are a regular indica user. This is a very heavy strain that prides itself on the art of “couch locking.” 

I love dank strains like this. There is a significant difference in “diesel dank” and “skunk dank.” I can tolerate little skunk. So, for me it’s a good alternate that I’ve learned to love. And for my needs I give it a 5 out of 5! Thanks for reading! And Keep Smoking!

Affirmation: My positivity and enthusiasm for life are infectious, and people love me for it.

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Budtender Moment: Watermelon Woooo Strain Review

“Don’t judge someone until you have shared a joint with them.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy, go away. Today, I want to talk to you about a product that I like to call “the total package.” It is a concentrate known as Watermelon Woo! And it is truly ‘watermelon’ every step of the way.

This beautiful strain is considered an indica. Watermelon Woo is found to be closely associated with the strain Watermelon. And it has also been linked to OG Kush. But the exact genetics are currently unknown. The combination of the terpenes makes it taste exactly like a watermelon Jolly Rancher. The Watermelon auto resulted from crossing Tropicana Cookies X Lemon OG. Top terpenes are Linalool, Pinene and Myrcene. Those first two seem to have links to increase anxiety. And I am sensitive to those.

Medical benefits include relief from stress, anxiety, insomnia, pain relief and mood improvement. Even eaten as a concentrate, the benefits are there. And if you are sensitive to tastes, like I am, the taste is very tolerable.

Affirmation: My joints never run. My bong is always clean. My bowls are overflowing with fresh greens.

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Budtender Moment: Fire OG Strain Review

“Alcohol kills. Weed chills.”

-Unknown

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. This month I have been trying to review strains that represent the month of August in the South. If you’ve ever been to the south in August, it’s like walking outside and Satan farting in your face. And Fire OG was a must have just for the name. 

Fire OG is an indica-dominant hybrid strain at 70%/30%. You know immediately that this one is another “stinker.” It comes from a lengthy line of OG Kush genetics. That strain is legendary for the gassy, heavy hitting aromas and effects. The genetics are OG Kush x SFV (San Fernando Valley) OG Kush. And I hear that this strain is regarded as the most powerful of the OG Kush family. I have to say that on inhale the strain tastes real “hazy.” That is like mold or mildew taste. Nothing is wrong with the flower. It’s just how genetics come together with these plants sometimes.

The initial aroma is very gassy and pungent. There is a short burst of energy before the genetics gently lean you back on the couch and to remain there until notified again. And when it happens you try to defy science, and you stand up to walk. Only now, you feel like you are trying to walk in metal buckets covered with concrete. And once it finally begins to wear off, and you awaken from a cannabis nap, get the Cheetos and the Cheetos’s cousins and eat them all. This strain causes the “atomic munchy phenomenon” to occur. It’s a great strain to help with chronic pain, stress, mild to moderate depression, arthritis, loss of appetite, migraines, nausea, PTSD, sleep disorders including insomnia and night terrors.

 The major terpenes in this strain are: myrcene, limonene and caryophyllene. Don’t worry that limonene is only a splash of sativa mainly in aroma and taste. This strain is a very heavy indica that  “FIRE OG” warns you about with its name. This is a fabulous strain if you can ignore the initial inhale on a green bowl. It’s very potent and is not a good strain for newbs. Use in moderation so that you don’t overdo the experience. Definitely one that I’ll keep in my medicine cabinet. Just the OG lineage is like having a celebrity spending time with me. Thanks for reading! Keep smiling. Stay safe. And keep BLAZIN’!

Affirmation: Full bowls. Clean bongs. Can’t lose.

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Ice Cream Cake x Animal Mints

“Don’t worry. Don’t cry. Smoke weed and get high.”

-Unknown

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I’m going to review a local strain that has not been given an official name yet. Nope, I can’t just give it a name. There are so many things that have to be considered when naming a strain. So, for now it’s considered a crossbred strain.

When I was looking for strains that represent the month of July for me, I couldn’t pass up Ice Cream Cake x Animal Mints. I will tell you about the linage on each. Ice Cream Cake as a cannabis strain is an unbelievable indica. It’s super potent of a really gassy strain but with the vanilla, creamy aroma. That strain that is a cross of Cheesecake x Dream Cookie both that have Girl Scout Cookies and Blue Dream in the family strain. And what better strain than to combine some of the best of two different ends of the spectrum. Ice Cream Cake has a unique sweet aroma and taste of vanilla goodness. 

Animal Mints is a cross of Animal Cookies x Girl Scout Cookies x Blue Power. The result is a nice potent dankness with genetics that taste like mint. Just look at that lineup for Animal Mints. As you can see, the genetics of just a cross bred strain has just as much genetic material as a regular named strain. Everything has a process. 

This one is such beauty that you don’t realize until something like this strain is available, and you take a chance. I really love this strain! If you need something to sweep you off your feet and into the clouds, it’s right here! And I learned a lot of this by simply teaching myself cannabis strain linage. Keep smiling. Keep smoking. And I’ll Blaze You Later!

Affirmation: I won’t share blunts with people who won’t share roaches with me.

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Strawberry Cheesecake Strain Review

“A marijuana high can enhance core human mental abilities.”

-Sebastian Marincolo, Author

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I’m going to review one of mt favorite indica strains, Strawberry Cheesecake. Holy Cow! Have I got another summer beauty to unveil to you. Take her strength for granted and you will find yourself growing into the fabric of the seat where you now rest your butt.

Strawberry Cheesecake is a strain that I thought would be too light for me, as I typically need very stinky, dark, smelly, diesel, fuel, and gassy as possible. It takes a really heavy indica to slow my mind down. Definitely fruity on the intake. But it then takes a sharp turn into some stanky “cheese” flavorings. And she can really flap her wings. 

Strawberry Cheesecake has a family tree  of Chronic x White Widow x Cheese. The main terpenes are d-Limonene, beta-Myrcene, beta-Caryophyllene. Remember these two words: fruity and earthy. And there is another stinker flavor than earthy. And it’s probably that Cheese. However, it does have that sour taste and smell. But that oh so comforting, “cannabis hug” just draws you nearer to her fruity goodness.

It is a heavy indica that works greatly on chronic pain, anxiety, inflammation, and insomnia. I would rate this a 4 out of 5 as one of my favorite indica strains. Try it for yourself and tell me what you think. I’m always open to feedback. Thanks for reading! Now I’m going to a dispensary!

Affirmation: I am grateful for how cannabis expands my creative ability.

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Budtender Moment: Watermelon Tree Strain Review

“Smoking weed doesn’t make you cool, but if you’re cool then you’re probably smoke weed.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I’m going to review strains that go along with summertime. And how much more “Americana” can you get with watermelon in July. Sit tight! This strain review is going to be fun.

Watermelon Tree aka “Watermelon Kush” and “Watermelon OG” is an indica-dominant hybrid which is known for its fruity watermelon-like flavors (vivosun.com, 2025). And I can attest to that. The flavors in this strain are remarkable. You can totally taste those fruity terpenes that are completed into a beautiful, above average and calming high. Watermelon Tree linage varies depending on the source. However, I have found that this strain is most commonly associated with a cross between Lemon Tree x Watermelon Kush or Watermelon. There are others who cross Watermelon Lemonade x Lemon Tree. The name is also interchanged with Watermelon Skittlez.

Now even if we don’t know exact lineage, we can look at the other associate strains and their effects. What I can deduce about this strain and that there is “Kush” and “OG” strains. This automatically shouts, “stinky and gassy.” And those are automatic indicas. Watermelon Skittlez is an indica-dominant hybrid. Lemon Tree is a hybrid. And the sativa effects which balance this strain are the fruity and citrus flavors which function as an anti-depressant. It’s an all-around wonderful indica-dominant hybrid strain. And on the 1 to 5 scale that I use, I would definitely put this strain at around 4.5.

For me personally, I could use a little more indica. The strain has enough indica from its linage, though, to counteract the sativa effects to a comfortable experience. And mild enough to keep the panic attacks at bay.

The medical effects related to this strain are slow moving sort of like a “creeper” strain just gentler. It is often chosen to treat stress, anxiety, PTSD, chronic pain, depression and migraines. I really can’t say anything bad about this strain. I’m a hardcore indica smoker so I’m used to “couch lock” strains. And this one is not that strong. But it’s a very nice high. Excellent job with this strain! Thanks for reading! Keep smiling. Keep laughing and Keep moving forward!

Affirmation: I have the patience to get through running out of weed.

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Happy 710!!!!

“If the whole world dabbed at the same time, there would be peace for at least two hours, followed by a global food shortage.”

-Dana Landrum-Arnold

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to tell you why so many people use cannabis concentrates. Concentrates are not made equally. There are subtle differences that go into making these beautiful products. And a day where cannabis enthusiasts take pride in celebrating them is on 7/10 and at 7:10 p.m. every year. But you can also use it at 7:10 p.m. every evening.

Ok, first let me start by telling you about how 7/10originated. This day also known as “Oil Day.” And those of us who love and use these very potent products on the regular, we are called “Oil Heads.” That is a banner which I wear very proudly. It’s also a day for more experienced users. But there are those who will overuse and have horrible experiences. 

If you invert the number 710 it will spell out “OIL.” You might ask why 420 doesn’t cover it all. And technically concentrates do fall under the 420 umbrella because it’s also cannabis. However, concentrates are a specific form of cannabis. This type of consumption is becoming more mainstream. Most people don’t know how to use these products appropriately to reach maximum benefit. If it’s a new experience and someone dabs you for sport, you might lose interest very quickly. I have been over dabbed also due to inexperience and all you can do is recline your chair, get a cold rag and wait until your high wears off a bit. Yes, you can become nauseous and throw up. If done correctly, though, the experience can be more beautiful than you can imagine.

Concentrates are about your tolerance, not anyone else’s. I’m constantly alternating my concentrates so that I don’t develop a tolerance to a certain strain too quickly. How is this beneficial? You make more and better use out of your product. And at anywhere from about $40 to over $100 per gram.

Why so expensive you ask? To make cannabis concentrates, it requires a lot of cannabis flower just to make one batch. The machinery used is expensive. And so are the solvents used to make it them. And then there are the state taxes and testing costs that are required. With most states capping the THC percentage at around 60% the concentrates are still held back in regard to the stronger possibilities.

The argument is that they are too strong. Where they become a danger is usually due to people who speak out of ignorance. No one can control impulsive idiots who overdue and become sick. Medically, concentrates help much quicker. And for chronic pain and PTSD, sometimes I need the relief immediately. Dabbing budder, badder, shatter, wax, hash, live resin, butane hash oil or distillate is a much quicker and more potent high than you get from flower. And the relief can last up to a few hours. Dabbing concentrates is like smoking about three joints all at once. Vape pens provide the same type of relief, usually with less smell than flower. Buying this at a “head shop” or gas station in the form of THC-A wax is not regulated and is DANGEROUS. When possible, ALWAYS buy from a dispensary where products are tested and results displayed on the product packaging.

Edibles are also considered concentrates as most use either butane hash oil or cannabis infused butter. Edibles just take a little longer to work. And the medication works much longer because they go through the digestive system rather than the lungs. Whatever you buy DO NOT EAT THE ENTIRE EDIBLE AT ONE TIME! 

Concentrates are about a stronger relief in moderation, not seeing how “trashed” you can get. Talk to budtenders at dispensaries about what products and strains that fit your medical needs. And ask them for recommendations for using if inexperienced. You will thank yourself later. As always thanks for reading. Be safe. Keep smiling. Keep dabbing. And Happy 710 fellow concentrate enthusiasts!

“One Plant, Countless Possibilities”

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darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Rancid Rainbow

“Can’t complain when you’ve got Mary Jane.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today is the last day for the Pride strain reviews. I enjoy doing strain reviews, especially those that relate in some way to our celebrations. Sit for a moment while I introduced you to our last little sassy beast.

The name of today’s strain highlight is Rancid Rainbow. The genetics include Rainbow Sherbert #11 x Rancid Skunk. And just the name of genetic strains we know that this one is probably, at the very least, a hybrid. It’s almost a truly equal hybrid. But a slight indica dominant strain sits at a 60%/40% ratio. On the inhale is the immediate “fruity pebble cereal” flavoring. On the back end is that stink that give it its name. And even though the genetics are skunky, it still carries that fuel stink and taste.

This is a strain that can be used during the day with moderation. Too much of this little girl and you might as well clock out. She’s a strong one at 29% THC. Her medical effects help to relief stress and pain at the top. And while the rest of us are almost finished with Pride, she is a “ride-or-die” that you want riding shotgun in your medicine cabinet. Rancid Rainbow ranks at 4.5 out of 5 as a total package. Well done, Southern Grown Therapeutics!

 I hope everyone has enjoyed all of the Pride celebrations for 2025. Everyone in the Pride family, I encourage you to gather your strength and carry the Pride flag within you everywhere you go. We have some difficult days ahead while “The Furor” is in power. He can run his mouth. But he can’t take our RANCID RAINBOW!

Affirmation: I am an optimistic, positive stoner.

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National PTSD Awareness Day

“Always remember, if you have been diagnosed with PTSD, it is not a sign of weakness; rather, if is proof of your strength, because you have survived!”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to take time out from celebrating Pride, to give light to National PTSD Awareness Day. This one hit hard as I’ve lived with PTSD longer than I’ve lived without it. And there are so many of us who don’t make it to the other end of the tunnel. It’s an incredibly dark place to wake up to and go to sleep with every night.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) dates back to ancient civilizations and military conflicts. Terms used early on included “combat-related stress,” “shellshock,” “combat fatigue,” and “railway spine.” In the 1800s and early 1900s, the “talking cure: was popularized by Sigmund Freud and introduced in medical literature. And the treatment went from psychoanalysis to electric shock treatment. By the 1950s, the treatments had become more humane. However, now people would not admit to any traumatic symptoms due to the stigma. So, group therapy and psychotropic medications were introduced (blackbearrehab.com, 2025).

In the 1970s Vietnam veterans began experiencing a lot of psychological problems that persisted even after returning home. And survivors of domestic abuse were also included. In the 1980s, PTSD was officially recognized as a mental health problem. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders adopted the diagnosis where it has remained (blackbearrehab.com, 2025).

PTSD is a developed from a traumatic event. C- PTSD when a traumatic event continues for months and years or multiple events occur. The intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, insomnia, avoidance, memory problems, detachment from friends and family, feeling emotionally numb, hyper startle, irritability, trouble concentrating, impulsive behavior, paranoia, severe anxiety, nightmares, suicidal ideations and actions and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. And over time, these symptoms completely devour who you once were (MayoClinic.org, 2025).

I know that PTSD is typically related to soldiers. I am here to tell you that I never went into the military. But the PTSD that I deal with, as a result of domestic violence, grabbed hold of me and has never let go. It has completely stripped me of everything that I used to enjoy. I don’t care about relationships. I question people about their intentions, even if they’re pure and good. I’m constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop. I don’t have typical reactions to being scared. I could see a moth out, of the corner of my peripheral vision, and then jump and scream like Jeffery Dahmer was staring at me and about to take the first bite. I face the stigmas of both friends and family mainly due to a lack of understanding. However, the reasearch information is everywhere. Sometimes others just need to their own leg work. I have come to realize that instead of trying to find out how PTSD affects someone that you love, it’s “the easy way out” to just to be dismissive, embarrassed and judgmental instead. The attitude is “just change X behavior.” Without having a solution, the resounding message of “just make it go away” further ostracizes the person that you say you care about. And so the anticipated glimmer of hope dissipates further isolating the individual. And sadly, can lead to suicide.

PTSD is not about you, it’s about them. It’s just a diagnosis until it’s “you” that experiences it every day. It has taken me down to the point of putting a gun in my mouth. And because living in the abuse was so severe, I actually pulled the trigger after pointing the gun at my torso. It missed my heart by only a few centimeters. Nothing was messed up to the point of needing surgery. But self-harm is something that I’ve dealt with since I was a 13-year-old child. And I had no idea how to deal with all the overwhelming emotions of abuse. In that cold, dark closet where I began to self-harm, and as maladaptive as the behavior is, it worked. It was the only thing that worked to bring me back to complete balance. But the problem is that it became a true addiction issue that I continue to struggle with. And before you ask, yes I’ve done a lot of therapy. It’s not that the therapy doesn’t. It’s that the addiction is that strong. 

PTSD is a true injury on the brain. The brain’s job is to help you survive in any way possible. So, we reach for anything to help calm the barrage of intrusive thoughts, memories, smells and sounds. And once it’s been damaged through a traumatic event, it creates a “work around” solution. What typically works? Self-harm and substance abuse creates almost instant comfort. You don’t have to wait for 6-8 weeks to reach your therapeutic dose efficacy to begin working. It’s an immediate fix that some of have to use just to stay alive.

Cannabis was recommended when all other “Big Pharma” medications failed. And it has saved my life on a daily basis ever since. Cannabis seems to put a cloud over my brain saying, “Settle just for a moment.” And for that moment, I can take a break from the constant paranoia and overstimulation of a brain that wanted to do nothing more than survive. And that, is my battlefield. It wasn’t in Iraq, Afghanistan or Vietnam. My battlefield is everywhere I go. I fear people and social situations in a way that most cannot understand. 

It literally takes me about a week in advance to start prepping to leave my house just to go to pick up medications,that I,unfortunately have to take. But I don’t take anymore psych meds. I was extremely sick, coming off all the meds that I had been begging for over two years to be tapered off. And I got tired of waiting, so I did it myself. I don’t advise this way because it was a really miserable process. However, I was at a point of desperation. And now about 6 months later, I feel like a new human being after the toxic feeling of all the medications. All of my true feelings and emotions have awakened, and I really like feeling somewhat comfortable at times.

My personal opinion is that anyone returning home from the active duty should be handed an ounce of weed the minute they step off the plane to do with as they wish. And it would be perfectly ok if they gave it away. That’s like paying it forward in “Weed-O-Nomics.” As it stands, soldiers come home from a war that never ends. And they are committing suicide at a rate of 22 soldiers a day. And that is less than unacceptable.

As the topic of cannabis continues to circulate among social circles and national politics, I hope that veterans from our military will step out against the shame that is felt from social stigmas. And reach for the plant that can “help take the gun out of your mouth.” Cannabis doesn’t cure PTSD because it wasn’t the one who caused it. But it does make things much more tolerable.

Thanks for reading! Happy Pride everyone!

Affirmation: I am resilient and capable of healing.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Blues Brothers Motorbreath

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two joints made my night.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Today, I’m going to review strains that go along with Pride. Since I’m a lesbian, it wouldn’t be nice of me not to mention the part of the parade that I enjoy watching. It’s the “Dykes On Bikes” portion of the parade where some of the most masculine lesbians ride through on their motorcycles. And I assure you that your fragile masculinity could be smashed by some of these ladies. “Lady Lesbians Of The Bikes” I honor you with the cannabis strain with the Blues Brothers’s Label: Motorbreath.

This greasy, yet sexy, hybrid strain was actually named from a song called Motorbreath on Metallica’s 1983 album Kill’Em All. The diesel taste feels like it would be better suited on their Garage Days album. Anyway, what a pleasant surprise to find out those origins that lead back to my favorite heavy metal band of all time, Metallica. The nostalgia of this entire product just floods me with so many good memories. Because the taste will take you back, while the effects wrap you up.

Jim Belushi and Dan Aykroyd actually own Blues Brothers brand. John Belushi was a comedian and actor who traveled with Dan Aykroyd and performed as Jake and Elwood Blues. John Belush eventually died of a drug overdose. And his brother has been building a cannabis business in his honor. Jim Belushi stated in his reality program Belushi Farms, “Had my brother had access to medical cannabis, he would still be alive.”

This strain while definitely “stinky,” with some diesel fumes isn’t as heavy as the GMO strain. And it is ever since of the word “hybrid.” It feels like a sativa until the gassy, indica back end catches you. The strain has a lineage of Chemdog and SFV OG KUSH (San Fernando Valley). This would be a good strain for a lunch break if you can tolerate the indica effects. It’s used for chronic pain and stress. I think that it’s a strain for beginner or moderate users. And more of a “chill” strain for us experienced users. However, at 28.4% THC it won’t take long before it disables you for your entire lunch break. An Absolutely great hybrid in my book. The terpene profile is Caryophyllene, Myrcene and Limonene. This indica-dominant hybrid is definitely 4.25 out of 5 on the rating scale. A uniquely beautiful strain that will help many people no matter where on the continuum you reside. Way to go Blues Brothers!

“Dykes On Bikes” comeback you forgot your diesel! Happy Pride, everyone!

Affirmation: I attract the best weed.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Spritzer Strain Review

“If we all had a bong, we’d all get along!”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Today’s budtender moment is a review on the strain Spritzer. And with a name like that, how could I keep it out of our 2025 Pride lineup? Sit tight for a minute and I’ll fill you in with the information that you need about this strain.

Spritzer is a hybrid strain by crossing Runtz x Grape Pie x MAC. It was very earthy, floral and aroma. This strain is just like the name sounds. It’s like tip toeing through a field of flowers. It truly behaves like a very sativa dominant strain perfect for daytime. I felt little, if any, indica. And it would be a “good introduction to the cannabis world” kind of strain. I just don’t see where it’s possible to ever get couch lock. But I will say that you will have to use it in moderation especially if there are any anxiety issues. It’s a really good one to “wake and bake.”

Grab an eighth of Spritzer and take it with you to a Pride parade and events. Nothing too heavy. With my PTSD, I would have to use a much heavier indica to be able to use in public. It all depends on your personal needs. Thanks for reading! Happy Pride!

Affirmation: I am a productive stoner.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Blunicorn Strain Review

“Can’t complain when you have Mary Jane.”

-Unknown

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Another cannabis strain that represents the LGBTQIA+ community. Combining the color blue from the pride flag and unicorns. And there isn’t anything gayer than a unicorn. Sit for a moment while I describe this healing cannabis strain.

Blunicorn is a strain that I fell in love with on inhale. It is a hybrid cross of Blue Sherbert x Unicorn Poop. And definitely has some stink to it. Blue Sherbert is a cross between Blue Cookies x Sun Sherbert. Unicorn Poop is a cross between GMO Cookies x Sophisticated Lady. This is a long line of hybrids and a few indicas in the lineage that will be recognized and noted in a smoking sesh with friends. The Unicorn Poop lineage gives it that noticeable dose of indica. It is steady at 22.7% THC but is still one for both beginners and connoisseurs to enjoy. The main terpenes are Limonene, myrcene, caryophyllene. Patients use it for anxiety, depression and pain. And I can attest to the information. This strain has flavors of blueberry, berry and mango.

More colorful strains will follow this month in prideful fashion. Make sure to subscribe to this blog and social media accounts and never miss another post. Keep reading. Keep smiling. Happy Pride!

Affirmation: I am manifesting more cannabis into my life.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”

-Glenn Close

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Today is the first day of the month of May, which is also Mental Health Awareness Month. And unfortunately, the topic of mental health is often skirted or disregarded as something that isn’t acknowledged because of the “shame factor.” However, it is not a topic to be ashamed about. Mental health is such an integral part of being human and is something that must be discussed.

What are the issues surrounding the topic of mental health? Well, part of the problem involves societal stigmas, fear of judgment, and a lack of understanding. And the stigma usually surrounds negative stereotypes, incorrect information and cultural beliefs or a sign of personal failure. Give me a second to go a little more in depth about these issues.

1. Lack of Understanding-most people have little knowledge about mental health conditions which can lead to misconceptions and fear. And this includes immediate family, friends, co-workers, medical personnel and acquaintances. I have tried in my own ways to educate people about mental illness, as my daily living has revolved around the mental health system for the majority of my life. But no matter how much you try to explain things to people, they just can’t seem to let go of old ideas and opinions.

2. Negative stereotypes-Thanks to social media, mental illness is portrait in the media that mental illness is considered a sign of weakness, dangerous or violent. This further solidifies negative attitudes. While some of this is true regarding violent individuals, the majority of us are not dangerous people. And religious affiliation can also be another source of negative stereotypes. You wouldn’t believe some of the nasty and fearful looks that I get from simply wearing a baseball cap about PTSD. Sometimes I get asked, “What branch of the military were you in?” I simply tell them, “I didn’t serve our country. I developed PTSD because I’ve been abused for a large majority of my life. So, technically, I’ve been fighting a war my entire life.” They usually silently turn around and back away. Some have asked, “Why do you tell people?” And my answer is always, “Because I’m not ashamed of having a mental illness. It is what it is. And I’m not responsible for other’s ignorance. I simply state the true facts and give the shame back to where it belongs. 

3. Fear of judgment-many people fear judgment for their mental illness. One thing you have to understand is that people are usually their own worst critic. So, your judgment will never be as potent and the person with the mental illness. In my case, telling someone that I have Multiple Personality Disorder makes people retract, mainly because their only source of reference is through Hollywood. And we all know that Hollywood never really tells a story accurately. It induces the “fear factor” in most people. And when I speak this truth, most people are also taken aback because I’m so forth coming with my own  struggles. You might notice my quirkiness at times. However, you would never know when my other parts switch out unless you are around me and I explain who they are and their function. I don’t fear judgment from people. I embrace their ignorance and do my best to “stomp out stupidity.”

4. Fear of discrimination-people fear losing jobs, housing or other opportunities due to their condition. Look, I have lived under a cloud of discrimination since the day I was born. I’m gay. I have a mental illness. And I love to smoke weed. But I’m also very educated. And somehow when you are “out and proud” that automatically puts a label on you. And well, that’s their problem not mine. Even within my own family, I face discrimination. And when I speak about mental health topics, I’m revered as not being nearly as intelligent as others. Even though I have a master’s degree in counseling psychology which qualifies me to be able to diagnose. Make no mistake, I might’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life, but I am in no way dumb. And I face discrimination head on. 

I completely understand that everyone isn’t at the same level of progress with these issues. And it has taken years of therapy to bring me to the point where I am. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. And most people have mental illness in varying degrees. However, a lot of it has never been diagnosed. Individuals hide and suffer in silence because of the shame that they carry regarding this topic. And you absolutely shouldn’t be. Mental health is just as important and maybe more so than physical health. Because poor mental health can also cause physical discomfort.

Embrace what is and be responsible enough to get in therapy. You will be glad you did. Cannabis has increased my quality of life much better than pharmaceuticals. And this is another topic that is shame based. There are those still who are “closeted” cannabis users who also reap the benefits of the plant. And as someone who lived in a closet for many years, I can tell you that no one is meant to be smothered and silenced. Everyone deals with mental illness and fears the repercussion of others differently and at their own pace. I can’t speak for anyone else, but with me, you will always be accepted. 

Educate yourself about your own mental illness not based on movies, other people’s subjective opinions, but on the scientific research and real truth. Face your fears and get involved in therapy and do the challenging work that will benefit you overall. And let the opinions of others roll off your back like water on a duck. Their opinions are just that. They are not facts. It is purely unadulterated ignorance. But that can change if they are willing to do so.

If you are an ally on the topic of mental illness but still have questions, we won’t cook you or eat you. Respectfully ask for some clarification. It is a horrible feeling to suffer in silence over half truths and out right lies regarding mental illness. And sadly, I have had friends who refused to go to therapy for those reasons. And they are now dead from suicide. But everyone is entitled to love, care and compassion. And, yes, that also includes you. Thanks for reading! Stay healthy. Stay happy. Keep smiling. And keep reading this blog.

Affirmation: I trust myself  to make decisions that align with my values and goals.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What Are The Streets Saying? Head Shops vs. Smoke Shops

“It’s 420 somewhere.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Today, I want to talk to you about the differences in head shops and smoke shops. There is a noticeably significant difference. Some people refer to these types of businesses as the same. They are not.

First of all, we need to discuss why they are called “Head Shops.” The term was actually used during the ‘sixties in the U.S. It was based off a statement people used at that time called “getting your head right.” And more specifically among pot heads. While most headshops today carry a variety of products. Initially head shops only carried a few pipes, bongs, rolling papers. And as you can discern the products and interior of the shops specified cannabis culture. They also eccentric records, psychedelic posters and books consistent with the hippie movement. These types of smoking products were considered illegal paraphernalia and had to be concealed. 

When I was much younger there was a local headshop that I used to frequent that was run by two old hippies. And it was the coolest store that really catered to local hippies and the cannabis culture. I loved to go look around especially in the dark room that was draped with a beaded curtain. They had some really impressive psychedelic posters complete with the rich smell of pachouli incense burning. As the shop owners aged, the shop was eventually closed. 

It wasn’t until I became a medical cannabis patient that I began to seriously look at the products in these types of stores. There was nothing better than going in a looking at the new glass pieces and other smoking accessories. I would eventually learn about dab rigs and cannabis concentrates. I had no idea that bongs were actually called “water pipes.” I went inside and asked the employees where the bongs were located. They said, “You can’t use that term because it refers to paraphernalia. We sale “water pipes” used to smoke tobacco.” I told them, “Well, I’ve never heard them called anything but a bong.” At that point, I was asked to leave. I had no idea what had just transpired. Apparently, using the term “water pipe” was the loophole in the law regarding legal paraphernalia. And you could not even mention terms like “bongs” and still be allowed to continue shopping.

What I would eventually learn is how many “designer drugs” were being sold out of those stores. I was thinking the whole time, I could’ve gotten myself in a lot more trouble with addiction had I realized what all types of products were sold at some. I also realized that I had to learn about everything that were being sold legally because of that loophole. I will cover some of those dangerous substances in future blog posts.

The modern head shops are now able to release a lot of those anxieties about selling cannabis culture items. The main reason is that the stigmas about smoking marijuana have largely dissipated with the legalization of both medical and recreational cannabis. However, there are still dangerous substances that continue to be sold to teens who have absolutely no idea what some of those substances contain nor the damage they can do. I am in no way demonizing head shops. I personally still love going shopping in them and looking at the newest products. And I have bought several items that compliment my personal cannabis use.

Smoke shops are businesses that sell tobacco and accessories for smoking tobacco. These include cigars, cigarettes, pipes, loose tobacco, hookah accessories, e-cigarettes and e-liquids. Smoke shops have to abide by state and federal regulations regarding tobacco sales. Which include not selling tobacco or related products to customers under the age of twenty-one. 

When it comes to 420 celebrations, headshops are the way to go. But as a word of caution, do your own research about products that you hear are the newest fads. Most of the time the rigorous testing that is required to sell medical or recreational cannabis is not required on “designer drugs.” So, you never quite know what companies are actually using to enhance the psychoactive substances that are in the products. The smoking accessories that I’ve bought are not included in the dangers. It’s the substances that are not regulated that carrying the sometimes-devastating dangers unknown to the public. When all else fails, buy your cannabis from a reputable dispensary. And then go home and get faded in the safety of your home.

“The true face of smoking is disease, death and horror-not the glamour and sophistication the pushers in the tobacco industry try to portray.”

-David Byrne

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

The Legend Of 420

“As a part of a balanced breakfast on 4/20, don’t forget to eat your Weedies!”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Hello, everyone and Happy 420! It’s National Smokeout Day! I’m blazing this fine morning. What about you? This is the second best day of the year for me. Today, I want to tell you about the legend of 4/20.

In 1971, five students in San Rafael, California who went to San Rafael High School coined the term as part of the search for an abandoned cannabis crop. It was based on a treasure map made by the grower. And They called themselves the Waldos because their designated hang-out spot was a wall outside of the school. And 4:20 pm was the meeting time. There were several failed attempts to find the crop. But the phrase evolved into a code word that the teens referred to for smoking cannabis.

In 1991 High Times Magazine reported that the term “420” referred to a police code which supposedly identified that they had spotted an individual or individuals smoking marijuana. However, this was an incorrect version of where the legend originated. In 1998, there was another story that stated that “Waldo” Reddis became a roadie for the Grateful Dead, in which, 4:20 pm was yet also designated time for smoking marijuana.

4/20 has become an international cannabis culture holiday. It is actually considered half celebration and half call to action. And global movements like this cannot be stopped. Users protest in civil disobedience by gathering in public to smoke at 4:20 pm. As cannabis continues to be decriminalized and legalized worldwide, a cannabis activist Steve DeAngelo states “even if our activists work were complete, 420 morphs from a statement of conscience to a celebration of victory, a celebration of our amazing connection with this plant” which “will always be worthy of celebration.”

In North America major observances have been held at locations that include:

  • New York City: Washington Square Park (Manhattan)
  • Boston: Boston Common
  • San Francisco: “Hippie Hill” in Golden Gate Park
  • Santa Cruz: Porter College at University of California, Santa Cruz
  • Washington, D.C.: National Mall, United States Capitol
  • Vancouver: The Vancouver Art Gallery and Sunset Beach
  • Montréal: Le Mont Royal George-Étienne Cartier Monument
  • Denver: Civic Center Park
  • Ottawa: Parliament Hill and Major’s Hill Park
  • Edmonton: The Alberta Legislature Building
  • Boulder: Campus of the University of Colorado Boulder
  • Toronto: Nathan Phillips Square and Yonge-Dundas Square
  • Berkeley: Campus of University of California, Berkeley on the Memorial Glade
  • Mexico City: Mexican Senate under the slogan Platon 420.
  • Ann Arbor: Hash Bash
  • St. Louis, Missouri: Loop 420 Fest at Delmar Loop
  • And many other locations.

I was lucky to be able to attend the Cannabis Cup in Denver one year. They gave out free dabs in several places. Cannabis culture businesses had booths about their products. The ongoing Cannabis Cup competition for best grown strains. Lectures about current legislation and oh so many other things. There were lines a mile long just to get into the event. But unlike events that consist of drunk rednecks who want to fight about everything, there were no fights among the very large gathering of 60,000 people. We were all high and had the munchies and dry mouth by the time we walked through the gates. The atmosphere was like heaven for me. It was amazing! Afterwards, Mel and I went to local dispensaries to gather more goodies. Who did I run into? Snoop Dogg. He was going to be performing at the Cannabis Cup later that day. I was completely starstruck. Such an easy going, chill guy. I love him and his music!

No matter where you may be located, 420 is a day where the liberation of enjoying such a beautiful plant can occur. If you are like me, I will start planning my own celebration for this wonderful event in my own casa. I have my music picked out. My different strains of weed and grinder are readily available. Movies about marijuana and cannabis culture are listed to watch. Pipes freshly cleaned. Concentrates close at hand. Blunts and cones (not boobies) prepared. And plenty of junk food and grills warming up for the munchies. God Bless the plant and the United States of 420!

“Happy 420, enjoy prison when they do a Happy 4/21 National Drug Test Day!”

-Unknown

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife 

darnold1975

Medical Cannabis Strain Review: Brett Farve by Gruv

“Life deals you a lot of lessons. Some people learn from it. Some people don’t.”

-Brett Farve

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away! Now that the 420 festivities are over with, I can really take the time to look at everything that Snoop the Weedster Bunny put in my stash basket. And all the wonderful goodies have clearly aimed to please. One of the new local strains that Snoop brought to me was called Brett Farve!

This is a local novelty strain named after the hall of fame quarterback Brett Farve. And yes, he is considered a hometown legend. This little beauty is made by a company called Gruv. Genetics are unknown to the public at this time. However, I can promise you that this strain will remain in my top five strains for eternity. It is estimated that the actual strain name is Scandalous OG. And a sub-strain of the OG Kush lineage.

With the guesstimated strain name, there’s are a few things that I knew about the strain without knowing the definite genetics. This strain has a very instant and dank fuel, diesel aroma. Also, the OG strains are typically indica dominant whether it’s a hybrid or straight indica. The taste, however, isn’t as heavy with the fuel as the smell. Your first taste is heavy, green, terpy taste. And then it hits the back of your throat with a scratchy, pepper taste. When it hits your body, fall into the cloud. Huge bong rips will leave you paralyzed with “couch lock.” 

This strain hits at a whopping 30%. And let me tell you, this strain will not disappoint. I began getting pain relief almost instantly. This is definitely not a fruity strain. It has some true dank appeal to my tastebuds. I also don’t detect any type of skunkiness. With Brett Farve being diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, this is a strain that reminds me a lot of him. It’s “tough as nails” in potency and terpenes at 4%. Top terpenes are Limonene, trans-Caryophyllene and a-Humulene. The heavy pain and stress relieving qualities combo is one that Brett could receive much benefit. Health benefits from medical cannabis with Parkinson’s patients by improving both motor symptoms and  non-motor symptoms such as: bradykinesia, rigidity, tremor, sleep and pain.

I realized that this new company took a lot of risks just getting into the cannabis industry with this “hail mary” of a strain. It was a total touchdown in my book! The novelty stain name will be enticing for Hattiesburg, MS area medical patients who remember watching Brett Farve when he played at the University of Southern Mississippi. But the strain creation was a completed pass! And I look forward to more that this company has to offer. Thanks for reading! Keep it Green!

Affirmation: I have the right to choose healthcare that is best for me.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

It’s 420 Eve!

“Happy 420 Eve to those who celebrate. Don’t forget to leave your grinders out before bed so that Snoop Dogg can come down your chimney and roll you a joint.”

-Morganwizard

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Happy 420 Eve! Today is all about wrapping up preparations for 420. I hope you’ve got all your products bought and ready. I know that I’m ready and waiting for my own visit from Snoop Dogg. And I’ll definitely have some of his songs on my playlist waiting in tow.

If you haven’t already bought your cannabis for 420, you have a few more hours for some last minute shopping adventures. Most dispensaries have already been in full swing with sales for the last couple of weeks. And by now their products have been picked over. But someone will always have cannabis products readily available.

I have my concentrates ready for my hourly hard hitting dabs. I’m loving my song selections. Food and friends are lined up. Movies have been selected. Pipes are cleaned. Strains have been selected. Grinders are cleaned and ready for action. And so are my silicone dabbing set resembling a nectar collector. And there is always a copy of High Times Magazine to enjoy some much needed reading on product and strain reviews. Even if they are from several years back. I am beyond excited! If you cannot attend a cannabis smoke out event, creating your own 420 at home can be just as enjoyable. And I am lit already!

Some of my personal favorite strains are Mike Tyson’s Knockout, Apple Tart and Comatose. They are fire! Don’t let these names fool you. These strains are very strong. And are topping out in the 25-30% THC. For my concentration, Ole Bliss budder is a favorite as well as some unhinged shatter. There is only one more celebration that takes precedence over this day for me. Gay Pride! I’ll also be celebrating Pride with some pride worthy strain names. That will be revealed later. A close third place is 710 which is the day that we as concentrate users (“oil heads”) dab all day long.

As I prepare for Santa Snoop, I lay out a blunt wrap, rolling papers or a cone. Some concentrate to be mixed in with flowers or to smear on a blunt wrap. And it will all be rolled into one luxurious and very strong blunt that will have you forgetting where to find the cheetos and how to get there. This year 420 falls on Easter. I will eat one boiled egg. And then hide my painted red potatoes for the easter potato hunt. The reason I’m using potatoes is because I can’t afford an entire dozen eggs anymore. And I will thank Jesus once again for this beautiful plant and the bounty before me.

Whatever you choose to do for 420, make it a special event where everyone who’s invited is able to chill and be happy along with you. If you are alone, “Do you boo-boo!” Because I will certainly be doing me. I will be posting pictures on both my This Puzzled Life Facebook, Instagram, Bluesky, and Tumblr accounts. If you want, subscribe to this blog and follow me on those accounts so that you never miss a blog that I post. Now I am going to spend a little time with Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson. Happy 420 Eve Everyone!

 “If you ever miss 4:20, just wait until 4:22. Because 4:22 is 4:20, too.”

-Ricky Williams

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife 

darnold1975

Cannabis Smoking Etiquette

“A friend with weed is a friend indeed. A friend who shares is a friend who cares.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! I’ve provided some information on basic things that need to be considered before using cannabis products. As time keeps creeping closer to 420, I thought that I would explain one more thing, smoking etiquette.

Some people have no idea that there is a certain way to conduct your smoking sesh with friends. If you are by yourself, then do what you want. The last thing you want, though, is to be smoking at someone else’s house because of an invite and be the only one in the sesh who doesn’t know what they’re doing. The invite is ruined and you probably won’t get another one. You don’t have to be perfect. Just know the basics and you’ll pick up on the rest.

The main thing to remember is that the sesh is about respect, consideration, and ensuring that everyone has a good time. 

  1. Be warm and welcoming. Respect people’s boundaries. Do NOT pressure anyone who does not want to participate. Do NOT blow smoke in someone’s face or on pets. That is being an asshole. And I would kick you out of my circle.
  2. Make sure your equipment is clean and so are your surroundings. No one wants to smoke out of a crusty bong with stale water. If using glass mix some 90% alcohol with salt. The salt will act as a scrubber to get the crusties and resin off. If you are using a pipe or silicone, leave it in the alcohol for about 10 minutes. Then use a toothbrush to get off the remaining residue. You might have to do this again during the sesh depending on how thick the resin gets while smoking.
  3. Always contribute to the mix. Take cannabis with you and give it to the person who’s running the circle. You don’t have to bring a bunch. Just bring something. Or ask to help provide drinks and snacks. Those munchies are angry little beasts that demand to be fed.
  4. Inform other participants the name of the strain you brought. It’s just a common courtesy to let someone know what they’re consuming.
  5. Respect the roller or packer. Do NOT criticize what the results of their rolling looks like. You were invited and can be uninvited really quickly.
  6. Do Not smoke or allow someone to smoke when they are sick. No one wants germs.
  7. Do Not stick the joint or blunt far in your mouth. You are there to smoke it, not make out with it.
  8. The term “Puff, Puff, Pass” actually has meaning. Take two puffs and pass in the direction of the circle. No one in the circle likes a smoker who bogarts. Plus, the circle moves harmoniously.

“Being misunderstood doesn’t mean you’re the issue…sometimes it’s the societal lens that needs cleaning.”

-Bob Marley

  1. If you are passing a bowl, DO NOT light the entire bowl like when you are at home. Everyone enjoys tasting the fresh green. Light only small corners or areas.
  2. Regardless of what friend’s house you might go to, respect their property and other family members. You are the guest, not the warden or at a frat party. If they ask you not to smoke in certain areas, respect their wishes. If they have small children or a spouse that is sleeping, be mindful of noise levels.
  3. If you are a new smoker, know your limit. If you tell them that you want to take a break. Anyone who knows etiquette, will respect your decisions without badgering you. Plus, no one wants a slobbering idiot who overindulges.
  4. And last but not least, always pass to the left. It’s just a stoner’s tradition.

I hope that you now feel a little more prepared for the glorious day of 4/20. Cannabis is about being chill. It’s not about creating unnecessary, alcohol induced “redneck drama”. Laugh and have fun. But don’t get ridiculous. Some of these very simple reminders can make the smoke sesh so much more enjoyable. And they’ll want to invite you back. The countdown to 4/20 is on! Thanks for reading! 

“Society has unfairly labeled stoners without understanding the depth behind the smoke.”

-Carl Sagan

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Cannabis Products (Edibles)

“Edibles kick in when they hear you talking crap about them.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about another type of cannabis product known as edibles. The quote I picked describes exactly what my first experience with edibles was like. I’ll explain what edibles are and then tell you the story.

Edibles themselves are just food or other consumable products infused with cannabis. The way that this happens is that cannabis has to be heated to a temperature that releases the THC and other cannabinoids. And they also must have a binding agent that is typically done with butane, alcohol, oil or butter. And then the resulting product can be incorporated into just about any type of products like brownies, gummies, beverages or favorite dessert. The information to remember is that edibles take much longer to begin working, somewhere between 2-3 hours. Unless eaten on an empty stomach which will cause them to take effect at around 45 minutes. The effects last much longer than smoking. This is where people tend to ingest too much. Because they think that the product is not working. It takes longer to go through the digestive system and then into the bloodstream.

 The only frame of reference I had about weed was the kind that I smoked occasionally in high school. And it wasn’t good and clean. It was junk. But, it was all I had. Where some of my classmate’s mom would make “party” brownies, I was never around them to experience that. 

While I was living in Albuquerque I got my first medical marijuana card. I got comfortable smoking the flower and headed in the direction of edibles. I saw on the dispensary menu that trail mix was available. I didn’t ask questions. I just bought it and took it home. We were taking Marshall to a pumpkin patch that would be an all day event. And I knew with my PTSD that the process would be very stressful for me. We begin getting ready and I start eating the food. I thought that you were supposed to eat the entire thing. So I did.

We needed to stop by Dollar Tree for a couple of things. I dropped Mel off while I waited in the car with Marshall. I didn’t have a whole lot of faith that the edible would work. It had been about an hours since I had eaten it on an empty stomach. By the time Mel finished shopping and came back to our vehicle, I told her, “Oh shit! Mel something is wrong!” Surprised that I was upset, she said, “What’s the matter?” I said, “I can’t feel my butt.” She asked, “Can you drive?” I told her, “Ummm..HELL NO!” I kept getting higher and higher. And then I got scared. The level of anxiety was “out of this world.” I knew one thing for sure, that experimental day would be one where a hard lesson would be learned. All I could do was think. But, I couldn’t seem to form many sentences. And walking didn’t even feel normal.

I began praying to the cannabis gods for mercy. And they didn’t seem to listen. I spent the entire day and evening lit as hell. For sixteen hours, I was higher than I have ever been. I didn’t get sick in any way. But I had to endure that horrible mistake. I went back to the dispensary the following Monday and told them what had happened. They chuckled and said, “You’re not supposed to eat the entire thing in one sitting.” I said, “Well it was only about ½ cup of the mixture.” They told me, “That was made with a concentrated cannabis oil that was infused in the trail mix.” I told them, “Ok. Well lesson learned.” and I left. Needless to say, I have never done that since. 

If you over smoke or over dab you can recline your chair, and within about 45 minutes to a couple of hours, you come back down to earth. However, if you overdo it with an edible, you are just at its mercy. You cannot interrupt the process in any way. I say this so that you don’t make the same mistake. I have seen people eat two or three edibles at a time and I just look at them like they have lost their minds. I would tell them, “You’re going to regret doing that.” And sure enough, right after they talk crap about not feeling anything, they get so high that the experience becomes a miserable existence.

I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, at the time, which is miserable in any respect. Every morning I would eat about a fourth of an edible, as a part of my regimen, and the symptoms were almost non-existent. I continued doing this for the next two years. And I haven’t had any symptoms of IBS since. I no longer take any kind of medication for that issue. My IBS is gone.  

The drawback to using edibles is that they can spoil. So if it’s not a product that you can freeze and will end up going bad before you’re able to eat them, then you can potentially lose a lot of money. Products like gummies have a much longer shelf life. Some people don’t like smoking or have lung issues that prevent them from being able to smoke. And for those that have digestive problems, I have found that smoking really isn’t a good way to manage symptoms. Edibles are powerful and coat the digestive tract and they work! Just do them in moderation.

There are all types of different products including colas, gums, chocolates, hard candies and ice cream. The cannabis taste is the terpenes in the product. Since I am very sensitive to tastes, I tend to go with edibles with a much milder taste. One of the best items to use is cannabis butter which can be added to just about any meal. Mel would make red bean and rice and then add about a teaspoon of cannabis butter to my portion. And trust me that is all you need. Not a tablespoon.

If you want a nice peaceful rest for nighttime,get you some cannabis butter that is heavily infused with indica strains. You will rest and be almost pain free. If you still don’t like that option because of the high feeling, then opt for cannabis butter that is infused with high CBD, low THC strains. 

Gummies are usually sold as 10 mg pieces. There are typically about 10 pieces to a pack. And to begin with you can get pretty lit on the dosage. You don’t have to get the 500mg candies that you see people eating on social media. They are idiots. But to each his own, right? There are so many flavors and foods that are available. Try as many different ones as you can and enjoy the ride!

I hope this blog has provided you with some information that can help you make informed decisions regarding these types of products. Thanks for reading! Keep up the blazing!

“The edibles have kicked in.”

-Unknown

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Cannabis Products (Concentrates)

“It really puzzles me to see marijuana connected with narcotics, dope, and all of that stuff. It is a thousand times better than whiskey. It is an assistant and a friend.”

-Louis Armstrong, Musician

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Today, staying in line with cannabis culture, I want to discuss another form of cannabis that has developed its own subculture in the last decade. It’s the use of concentrates commonly known as “dabbing.” It has become one of the favored ways of using marijuana. And one of my favorites as well.

Concentrates are just concentrated forms of marijuana that can get you very high, very quickly. And if not done correctly, can be a horribly unpleasant experience. When I began using concentrates, it didn’t take long for me to grasp the concept of moderation. I have overdabbed accidently a few times. And oh how I couldn’t wait for my high to come down to a more pleasant level. Concentrates are made in many ways such as:  wax, oil, shatter, or budder. They can be consumed by dabbing, vaping, or adding to joints, blunts or bowls.

The extraction methods that gather all of the cannabinoids and terpenes of the plant can be done  by:

  • Solvent based– butane, propane, ethanol or CO2.
  • Solventless: Pressure, heat, or ice water.

Forms include:

  • Wax: A waxy, pliable consistency.
  • Oil: A liquid form commonly used for vape cartridges or edibles.
  • Shatter: A glass like consistency.
  • Budder: A whipped or creamy consistency.
  • Other: hash oil and resin.

Consumption methods:

  • Dabbing: used with a device called a “dab rig” which vaporizes the concentrate for inhalation.
  • Vaping: Using a concentrate pen or cartridge sometimes with pre-filled concentrated substances.
  • Adding to bowls/joints/blunts: Adding a small amount to a bowl of flower or rolling into a joint or a blunt. I personally wouldn’t use these forms on a bowl. It will clog your pipe or bong and you will lose product.

Concentrates  have THC percentages that range from 60%-90%. Do you see what I mean?  Concentrates are like smoking three joints at one time. And the effects are almost immediate. You can become intoxicated very quickly. And if you do too much, it can leave you very sick. The results are nothing worse than getting too drunk. Complete with nausea, vomiting, sweating and/or bad paranoia. However, if you need a quick delivery versus waiting on the flower to work, this is a highly effective route. 

Dabbing is typically used with equipment known as a “dab rig” that requires that you heat a metal or a glass nail and then drop a small amount of the concentrate on the heated surface. It is then vaportized and flows into the maze of the glass until it reaches your mouth for inhalation. I have a silicone dab kit because I have children and cats who do not care about beautiful pieces. And if it gets knocked off there’s no breakage. Dab rigs are typically around $60 to thousands of dollars. They now have dab rigs that have electric nails, called e-rigs, which are in the range from about $100 to several hundreds of dollars. They are safer than using a blow torch to heat up a nail. I’m perfectly happy with my silicone with metal nail and using a blow torch. 

Concentrate Vape Pens are also something that I really enjoy using as it’s a more portable way of using in public. It consists of a coil that’s heated by pressing a button after depositing some of your concentrate into the reservoir. This is what I call my “adult binky.” Since I suffer from PTSD, panic attacks and social anxiety, I can take this with me while I run errands.  And I put it to good use. It’s also very convenient when going out of town. Before you do that, consider checking into state laws since it’s still not legal nationally. If you are found in possession of concentrates, you can be charged with a felony. To me, personally, it’s worth the risk. Because my quality of life depends on it. I also have a medical cannabis card for the state of Mississippi but is not considered legal in other states without reciprocity. As long as I have my medical card, in this state, and I am not considered impaired, then it is completely legal. For people who live in states where you can buy cannabis recreationally, you cannot be charged with a possession or paraphernalia related to cannabis.

With fentanyl being a major issue, do not take the risk of buying any product from someone on the street, even if they tell you that it was bought at a dispensary. They do not always tell the truth. Even if your friend tells you that they have a friend who bought it at a dispensary. Again, that is probably what was told to them. It doesn’t mean that they verified that information.

When I lived in Texas, I would buy my weed from a guy that I got to know at a doctor’s office. But even then, I didn’t know for sure. I was just so desperate for some type of relief that I didn’t care. And I was willing to gamble with my life despite knowing the dangers.

Do not allow someone to dab you without knowing that they have the respect for you as a beginner. I have been overdabbed and it is not fun. Some people find it quite funny. I do not. Everyone has the right to enjoy the plant, as much as, anyone else. Start slowly and move at your own pace. That one bad experience can take the beauty out of an experience that is supposed to be heavenly. Thanks for reading! And keep dabbing!

“A little dab will do ya!”

-Dana Landrum-Arnold

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

I was not allowed to upload the video for this post. So, I’ve provided a link instead.

https://youtu.be/5MdC24TKVDI?si=wvXkZPwg62B1EyxJ

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Types Of Cannabis Products (Flower)

“Stuggle is the enemy, but weed is the remedy.”

-Kid Cudi

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! As we begin to prepare for the holiday 420 among we marijuana smokers, I thought I would tell you about some of the many, many products that you can use to enjoy the holiday in “HIGH” fashion. This, again, is not a comprehensive list. There are just way too many items to try out. However, this list will definitely get you started on your “to-do list.”

Okay! Let’s begin with the product that most people associate with smoking marijuana, it’s the flower. The term “weed” comes from the plant itself. Because it is “literally” a weed. The difference is known as a strain. And within these strains are the genetics which is the framework that determines the levels of Cannabidiol (CBD) the non-psychoactive substance and Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) the psychoactive substance that gets you high. And are the “sticky icky” substances that look like fine white hairs. I think it’s imperative to tell you that the plant actually produces THCa. But went heated the THCa is converted to THC. The amount of THC in the marijuana of the 1970’s was around 1%-3%. In comparison to today the THC levels, in the flower, range between about 14%-30% on average. That has been my experience. And I have bought and smoked a lot of cannabis in the last 10 years. These levels were probably inconceivable back then. The weed these days needs those levels to help with medical conditions. The higher levels of THC provide relief in particular to chronic pain and insomnia. Not that CBD doesn’t work on its own at some level. The e THC does, in fact, provide so much more relief. There are strains that are genetically developed and cultivated for a higher level of CBD 1;1 ratio. And a lot of the high CBD strains typically have much lower levels of THC. For those who don’t enjoy the feeling of the high, these strains are for you. I will even mix one of these strains in my pipe before I smoke a bowl giving me some additional relief. 

Terpenes are the substances in the plant that do not get you high. These are in every plant. However, they do provide a relaxing effect and relieve pain. While also comprising over 30,000 compounds. Terpenes are NOT cannabinoids. But they have the same effect on your endocannabinoid system. They are also partially responsible for the individual tastes of each plant. They also determine, in conjunction, with the plant’s genetics what types of effects that you can likely experience.  If you think you can benefit, learn the terpenes and genetics of the strains that you use. I personally have created a spreadsheet of the strains I try. And include a rating system along with the genetics so that I can narrow down which ones work best for me. This will help you navigate the medical part of your cannabis use.

There are 3 different types of cannabis. They are indica, sativa, and hybrids. The indicas will give you a very intense “body high” known as “couch lock.” And this is when you get so high that you might stare in place for several minutes to hours at a time. Usually, meaning that you can’t get off the couch. You want the cheetos but, at the moment, you can’t figure out how to get to them. No worries. It will only last for about 30-45 minutes, depending on how high you are, to drop from the clouds. Then you just re-up and go again. I use strains that are very indica dominant in nature. I am still able to get up and do the things I need to do. But some people cannot. This will also help you determine what you like and don’t like. The medicine of the plant will begin to work continuously. The “high” of the THC will slowly diminish. 

Sativas are most closely associated with a very “cerebral” type of high. These are very good if you need an antidepressant. It’s the type of strain where you can still get up and do housework or go back to work. Caution with these as they can increase anxiety. And from personal experience, I have panic attacks just fine without them. I am very sensitive to sativas.

Hybrids are just that: They are a combination of the two types of strains varying in percentages of each. I have found that hybrids are much more readily available than pure indicas. While you can find them, you don’t see them as much. So, in that case, I use an indica-dominant hybrid strain. Each strain has its own goofy name. Don’t let that fool you. It’s still good medicine.

Some people who smoke recreationally are more concerned with the level of THC in a particular strain. And if all you want to do is get “high”, go for it. Medically and psychiatrically, I just need my medicine to work. I have used some 30% THC levels only to be disappointed that my needs were not met.  And I have used some at around 15% that have worked just fine. There isn’t a set standard for medical patients. You just have to continue through trial and error to find what you like. I typically have around 10-15 different strains at any given time. So, when I wake up in the morning, I can determine at that time what I will use during the day. And the region of the country that you’re in will differ in strains everywhere you go. I encourage you to try, as many as you can, even on vacation.

Take your time with this process. Don’t’ go too big, too quickly, or you will have a bad experience and put a sour taste in your memory. You won’t die from an overdose. Because that’s not even possible but you’ll wish you did. You would then be cheating yourself out of this beautiful plant experience. Also, if you reach levels of intoxication, be responsible and don’t drive. You will still get a DUI.

If you have a recreational marijuana program in your state go to the dispensaries and talk with a local budtender now. The closer you get to 420 the more the products will disappear or be picked over. Always have a copy of High Times Magazine nearby to keep up with the latest trends in cannabis culture. Smoke a bowl for me! Thanks for reading!

“The illegality of cannabis is outrageous, an impediment of full utilization of a drug which helps produce the serenity and insight, sensitivity, and fellowship so desperately needed in this increasingly mad and dangerous world.”

-Carl Sagan

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife 

darnold1975

I Love This Plant!

“I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.”

-Bill Murray

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go aways. Okie dokie! Today marks my second favorite time of the year. Yep it’s the month of 420! Not everyone agrees with it. For me though, it has saved my life. To the naysayers, there is absolutely nothing you can tell me negatively that I’ll believe about the plant called cannabis.

Cannabis has been around for forever and ever amen with a lot of negative connotations. My own family still takes issue with the fact that federally it’s still considered illegal. And you can’t really have a conversation about it because some of them are not willing to discuss the science. In a lot of ways vilifying this plant because of the Nancy Reagan 80’s seems to have stuck. I have family members that are earthy, crunchy thinkers in regard to health. And their lives all about healing with fruits, vegetables and herbs. But so am I. I like fruits, vegetables and herbs too. I just smoke my herbs. The side effects are very simple: sleepy, happy and hungry. “Big Pharma” on the other hand are constantly being sued for all of the harmful side effects. No thank you to medications that cause more harm than good. And drinking and driving home is the much safer option?

Over the years cannabis has gotten a horrible name. It’s not because it’s a dangerous drug. In fact, cannabis is one of the healthiest plants available. Our country has now made it a priority to invest money into science and discovering the healing properties. And there are scientific studies proving that cannabis isn’t as bad as once thought.

Unlike alcohol and other harmful drugs, cannabis continues to provide people with life saving medicine as it has for me. It’s healing cannabinoids help with chronic pain, epilepsy, anxiety, multiple sclerosis, PTSD, alzheimer’s disease, chemotherapy induced nausea and vomiting, insomnia, cancer, fighting cancer, inflammatory bowel disease, tourette syndrome, crohn’s disease, depression, HIV/AIDS, muscle spasms, anorexia, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, addiction, inflammation,parkinson’s disease, PTSD, reducing blood pressure, anxiety disorders, stabilizing blood sugar, decreasing overdose rates, opioid dependence, spinal cord injuries, dystonia, dementia, glaucoma, schizophrenia and other medical and psychological problems (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, 2017).

The days of believing that cannabis is a drug that causes great bodily harm are over. Hallelujah! Now let me point out one thing. Cannabis isn’t for everyone just like certain pharmaceuticals aren’t. And I agree that some people might have some type of addiction issues. However, there is no physical withdrawal that occurs. It is impossible to overdose on cannabis. You might take or use too much, causing intoxication. But that’s not the plant’s fault. If you have a problem with addiction to this, it is a “you” problem not the substance. 

I can only speak for myself as one who has a lengthy history of addiction, I have never had a problem with marijuana. The problems have always come back to myself and the maladaptive ways of coping. Buying marijuana off the streets where most of it has come from cartels, it can be sprayed with poisons which increase the effects and dependency. And this is also where a lot of the paranoia stems from. Yes, there are people who complain about paranoia induced by cannabis that is bought from very safe dispensaries. These cases are very minimal on a broad scale. So, marijuana might not fit you as an individual. However,for people like me who continue to reap the benefits of this plant minus the addiction, I can say that it has truly saved my life. And as a result has lowered the amount of suicidal ideations that used to plague me on a daily basis. 

The effects of PTSD continue to complicate my life. The overwhelming symptoms are not near what they once were. Cannabis does NOT cure PTSD. It simply helps with the unfriendly symptoms and side effects. I have gone from being on close to fifteen psychiatric “big pharma” medications down to zero. I didn’t see the point of taking Parkinson’s medication for a side effect of the anti-depressant. Not to mention that I wasn’t able to experience emotions in a way to gauge how I was healing. And everything from the waist down was literally dead. If that’s the price you pay for happiness, then I would rather be sad. I still struggle hard sometimes. And that is where working with coach is other beneficial piece to my treatment. If it is not a substance that doesn’t work for you then move on. But don’t demonize this medication for those of us that it helps to ensure survivability. Thanks for reading! Keep moving forward.

“It is irresponsible not to provide the best care we can as a medical community, care that could involve marijuana. We have been terribly and systematically misled for nearly 70 years in the United States, and I apologize for my own role in that.”

-Dr Sanjay Gupta, Neurosurgeon

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What Is My Purpose?

“Nothing is more creative…nor destructive…than a brilliant mind with a purpose.”

-Dan Brown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Wow. I had no idea that I would write about this topic today. And it’s a concept that has haunted me for many years. What is my purpose in life? 

Is my purpose to see how many punches I can take and still walk out of the fire alive? Ok. I’ve done that and continued to do that on a daily basis. Is it to conform to societal standards of what “normal” is? That will never be me. Is it to tackle difficult subjects that make people cringe? You’re getting warmer. Well, let me see if I can discern the information that I know without a doubt. 

1. I love helping people. Helping people is a burden on your soul. You don’t decide to help people because of a dollar sign. Helping people whether on an ambulance or in an addiction facility has always been my niche. My actions are done because of a calling that I was born to do. If anyone needs help and I can provide it, I will. That is one of the things that my family dynamics impressed upon me.

2.  Helping and caring for animals. You also don’t just decide to have compassion for animals. Some people say these things and yet I watch them beat their animals without constraint. My ex-husband has always said that he was an animal lover. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I’ll never forget the screams of my animals when he would take a belt, in the middle of the night, and go beat them. And I was completely powerless to defend them. When I left that horribly abusive situation, my animals were killed. My animals and the other animals that I interact with are my kids. I learned a long time ago, that I could trust animals when I couldn’t humans.

3.  Speaking up about difficult topics. I have no problem talking about really difficult topics in society. Sometimes it doesn’t make me the most popular person. And I don’t care. The topics of racism, mental illness, addiction, abuse, medical cannabis, suicide, self-harm, sexual abuse, puberty, predators, LGBTQ+ equality, rape, parenting or any other topic that makes us cringe. What you don’t see is how sometimes I struggle discussing them. Part of that is because of how I was raised. In the deep south, we are taught to not create any waves as it might reflect poorly on the family. And to know our places as children which was to always respect your elders without question. But what if you are a bystander to something that is abusive, and you don’t speak up? That’s what keeps me up at night. The personal information that I blog about that has happened or is currently happening in my life isn’t always pretty. And I realize that I’m not the savior who can swoop in and rescue people. I can, however, do my part as a human being. And, yes, I still worry about things that I cannot control and still become obsessions.

4. Writing is a passion. I began writing out of necessity. When I left my abusive therapist, I felt completely broken. The person I went to for help betrayed me in a way that continues to affect me. And unless you have been abused, you have no idea the hurdles that would have to be overcome to continue moving forward. And the complete disconnect between your emotions and your brain So, I began writing about topics that were affecting me in that moment. And suddenly, I began to get relief even if I hadn’t found the answers that I needed. I finally felt like I had a voice that deserved to be heard. I was tired of remaining quite as I had been expected to do my whole life. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t all those names that I had been called. I was someone who had information and experiences to share in order to help others. I have always felt alone no matter how many people I was around or despite the number of smiles that I put on my face. Blogging itself is a platform to help others in similar situations understand that they are not alone. Had someone just explained to me that my situations were not ok and that millions of people, worldwide, suffer in silence as I have, maybe that sense of loneliness would’ve diminished. However, when it’s happening to you especially all of the manipulation and brainwashing that occurs, you cannot see past the moment. Abuse leaves you questioning everything about the next person and even those in my family. I knew one thing for sure, I could not remain quiet. 

5. Humor brings me enjoyment. Humor has always been one of my greatest coping skills. I go through life as a literal thinker. So, if someone has a “Freudian slip” I will laugh myself silly even if that slip up was from myself. Humor a lot of times was used against me to make me a public spectacle. And it was done in a very demeaning way. As a way of life, I learned how to beat someone to the punch on a smartass comment. I always try to see the humor in most situations. And when there is no humor, I will find a way to interject some of my own. This gets me in trouble sometimes because that’s not conforming to those around me. And I’m expected to just let crazy happenings go without acknowledgment. That’s like putting a plastic bag over my head and being expected to breathe when the air is gone. I will always point out the sometimes-ridiculous way a situation looks. And I’ll probably write a note about it in my phone to use at a later date. I’m not right or wrong. It’s just how I operate.

My passion and purpose is to help others understand that just because you have taken the broken road in life doesn’t mean that you still can’t achieve happiness and also help others. I write about a lot of maladaptive behaviors that I continue to struggle with. But I also share my experience, strength and hope with those need that need the validation that they are not inherently bad or unworthy of happiness, love and inclusion. I still struggle with that concept. If you are a human being, you will fail. You will fall. You will be forced to confront your demons head-on. And it will scare the literal shit out of you. You will be forced to look at your part in situations. If you do not, you will remain stuck. You except your responsibility and move on whether or not the others do the same. You are responsible for only your feelings and emotions that are constantly changing. If they don’t except their responsibility, then they will shift the blame back to you. Push that shit out of the way. Hold your head high. And leave those people like a boss. You are worthy. You are loved. And you are enough!

“Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.”

-Rumi

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Nobody But Me Part 2

“To become authentic we require a thirst for freedom.”

-Don Mateo Sol

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. I love the smell of burning sage. Mentally it somehow provides a bubble that no one’s negativity can penetrate. Even if only for a moment.

I have been shamed by many entities, friends and family for being a lesbian. I have two superhero children that came out of that relationship with their other mom. And my children have also had that held against them as well. Was that selfish of us to bring children into the world knowing that? No. I believe that God saw that we had two children that were absolutely perfect for the situation. We brought those children into the world loving them and wanting to be parents. We have always told them that families look differently with race and gender differences. And is in no way right or wrong. It just is. I’ve also been asked, “Well, what if they come out as bisexual, gay or heaven forbid in a relationship with another race?” My response has always been, “Then what a great and very diverse family they will have to be a part of.” I have told my boys from the beginning, “I will never hold against you who you love. If you can find someone who truly loves you for who you are and respects you, go for it! I will have a problem if they are abusive buttholes.”


I lost my sanity trying to be what others told me that I should be. And being a part of the LGBTQ+ community oftentimes we are “forced” to make a family outside of our families of origin. Not as a choice but as a necessity. Me and my children have always been seen as less than. We have not been included or have been treated as “sloppy seconds” because of who I loved. And how they were conceived because personal beliefs on the topic.


I have watched people through the presidential election and the horrible crimes of P. Diddy destroy relationships. One thing I’ve learned is that I’m not going to agree with you and you will not agree with me. So, what’s the point of arguing just for the sake of arguing? However, what I have made abundantly clear is that if you see something done that’s illegal or wrong and don’t speak out, then you’re just as guilty. I have learned some very difficult lessons about being scared into silence. My life has been largely influenced by narcissists. And the only title that fits perfectly is “emotional vampires” and “masters of deception.” The narcissist that I was enslaved by always called himself “a local celebrity.” To put it very bluntly, these kind of people are very scary. And cause colossal damage to their victims.

It doesn’t matter if you’re from a small town, politician or celebrity. Wrong is wrong. I can spot a narcissist a mile away. And there is no place in a society that harbors these type of criminals that often operate in the shadows. Just because you don’t see them in this role, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. They are more concerned with their image than your well-being. If you’re operating openly then I have even less respect for those individuals. That just tells me that you’re even more dangerous. The commonality between narcissists is the fact that their egos are much bigger and stands out from others. They feel that they are untouchable. And they also believe that money, popularity, fame and scare tactics keep them safe from others that oppose their stance. They are the “god” of their own universe. I have also had family members that are narcissists. Most don’t change because they don’t see themselves as doing anything wrong. The ones that do change only do so because of “scared straight” tactics. And the only thing you can do is keep your emotional distance.

The abuse, for me, only got worse when the doors were closed. If this doesn’t fit your opinions, then take what you can use and leave the rest. It’s the beauty of living in a “free society.” I speak only MY truth. And pain changes people. I’m not here to coddle anyone’s delicate feelings.


When I was a child, a teacher was allowed to unmercifully abuse me. Yes “ALLOWED!” I spoke with school administrators 20+ years later only to be told that they knew the abuse was going on but they couldn’t do anything about it. Let that sink in for a minute. They knew that a child was being abused and did nothing about it. I fought adults on my own. Not one adult stepped forward and said, “This is wrong! She’s a child and you’re committing crimes!” GUITY! GUILTY! GUILTY!


Granted the science about childhood trauma and its effects on adulthood functionality was in its infancy at the time. Unfortunately, I am only one of millions of adult children who now know the harsh realities of just how deeply abuse can effect someone. In this day and age, ignorance can no longer be used as an excuse. Science is everywhere. And so is the research and studied outcomes of how negatively shaming affects a person’s entire being.

I don’t try and paint life and this world as a beautiful oasis where nothing goes wrong. I don’t tell my kids many specifics about my trauma history. But make no mistake they know who “the mean man” is. And they know about that mean teacher that locked me in a closet. They also know, see and experience what it’s like to watch their mom struggle from the consequences of abuse. And also what can happen to another person when we don’t find a way to heal our own wounds. And if that makes me a bad parent because they are prepared for the difficulties of life, then so be it. I used to have a real complex about having a mental illness that is trauma induced. But then I realized that what I saw when I looked the eyes of my children was that I was raising advocates.


As a parent, my job is to protect my children as much as I possibly can. That does not mean smothering them with my own personal beliefs. We are to teach them how to think. Not what to think. Teach them how to make educated decisions. And sometimes allowing them that freedom is very difficult knowing that there is a great potential for growing pains. We learn through our mistakes or we don’t.


I allow my children to make their own decisions within reason. I tell them, “Here are your choices. Whatever your decision is comes with either positive or negative consequences. Make your decision.” When they come to Camp Frat Pad I tell them both, “If you want to stay up all night that’s fine. But, if you’re a butthole tomorrow you will get in trouble.” Both boys go to bed at a decent hour most of the time. I also allow them to have the freedom to dress and cut or not cut their hair anyway they want. All in an effort to assert their individuality.


That’s a dream that I wished I had been allowed to live. My individuality always seemed to have some type of constraints. I’m not the kind of person that conforms to social “norms.” I am very ok with who I am. And the more you try to force your hand and make me conform, the more I rebel. I will also not be a part of sitting idly by and watching my children be treated differently because they come from a minority family. How can I expect them to stand up for other individuals’s differences if I don’t stand up for them? I have watched many people claim that they’re one way. Then tuck tail and run when it comes to the statement that is not popular among others in their peer group. I’ve watched that many times. And those people will not admit to any wrong doing. They just want only you to change. I don’t need to change that part of me. I have no problem being gay.

I will not ever silence MY truth because of someone else’s uncomfortability ever again. My children are watching me to see if I am who I say I am. And that I am. Nothing more, nothing less. And I make absolutely no apologies for being authentic. Because I can’t be nobody but me!


“If you want to know where to find your contribution to the world, look at your wounds. When you learn how to heal them, teach others.”

-Emily Maroutian

***”Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

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darnold1975

Nobody But Me Part 1


“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make everybody else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting; and never stop fighting. Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learning.”
-E.E. Cummings, A Poet’s Advice to Students


Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away! Ok that feels much better. This is a blog that I’ve been wanting to write for some time. For the last couple of months, I have been in a depression that has been absolutely debilitating. Maybe it’s been due to the stress of recent surgeries. Or maybe it’s been a combination of that and coming off all of my psych meds. Yes, you heard that correctly. I am now off of my meds and the mood swing has snapped! Run! Right or wrong. I took myself off in a rather drastic way. When I get an idea in my head that I’m going to do something, write it down. It will get done. Now I don’t advise coming off psych meds all at once. However, I wanted it done immediately. So, I put myself through absolute hell. I was so sick physically that coming off heroin would’ve been easier. Nevertheless, It’s finally over. And things mentally and physically have come alive again. And I do mean everything.


I remember looking at myself in a mirror saying, “Well hey you! Where have you been?” I don’t have any problems with the idea of antidepressants or any other type of psychiatric meds. For me, though, I was tired of taking them and constantly having to worry about copays to community mental health providers that I truly didn’t have the extra money to afford. I have also been on the state’s cannabis program for a couple of years with the goal of one day coming off those other meds. I’m just too impatient to go through the slow process of convincing professionals to continue tapering. And being that I’m a “street pharmacist”, I just decided to do it myself. I still struggle with severe insomnia that has somewhat plateaued at the moment. My cannabis spreadsheet is finally complete! Which means that I now tailor my “green meds” to what I need. Instead of also having to factor in traditional meds and their side effects. This might not work for everyone. So, do you boo-boo.


What this has also done is find the backbone that I knew I once had. Antidepressants make you much more tolerant of criticisms and everyday frustrations. Now I just smoke a bowl or do a few dabs and it does the same thing instantly. One thing that I’m constantly having to adjust is medication for pain management. That, in itself, has been quite the adjustment.

Doctors, no matter the issues, are just not willing to help with pain management enough to help keep people comfortable. I didn’t say keep them high or addicted. With “Big Pharma”, though, that’s how they line their pockets.

While living in New Mexico and Texas, my lack of pain management led me straight back to the streets. And that always leads to either jails, rehabs or the grave. There’s just too much Fentanyl out there for my comfort level. I can honestly say that being on the cannabis program previously and now that my addiction issues have not reared their ugly heads in this area of my life. Trust me, when addiction wants to take me, I go seemingly very willingly. In other areas of my life I am still in the grasp of addiction. Regardless, life continues to be brutal. And parenting doesn’t get easier either. It just has new challenges.


In therapy, everything ebbs and flows. Sometimes it’s easier than others. And sometimes you seem to plateau. Recently, I have had my most painful trauma hit me at my weakest point. I was literally awake for five days and crazy as hell. I know what a fabulous time to abandon medication and its requirements. I have always taken the difficult road in life that this time was no different. Dangerous? Probably. To me, doing things safely just takes way too long. And I’m not willing to wait.


I have always been a people pleaser. I have done what others wanted regardless of what I wanted to do. I felt that I have always needed to somehow strive for perfection that could never be attained. I’ve always tried to be for others, losing the vision for who and what I’ve wanted and needed to be. I’ve attempted to be straight knowing full well that I’m not. I have dressed in ways others wanted me to. Acted in ways expected of me. I kept my hair cut in ways to only pacify others. And I lost myself in the process.


I won’t ever say that “coming out” has been an easy process. It’s very different for every person. It’s probably the most difficult process I’ve ever had to go through. And more painful than you can imagine. Think about this for a second. If you wake up in the morning as someone who is sexually “heterosexual”, imagine what you would do if someone told you, “No, you must be gay.” You can try and do your best to be gay. You might even speak the lingo. But in your heart, you have always been straight. You just can’t be gay no matter what you are told or what you are shamed for. So, one day you just stand up and say, “I don’t care what gender you think that I should be with. I’m not nor have I ever been gay!” Imagine how freeing that would feel, for once in your life, to be who you know that you are. If you can’t comprehend a scenario like this then be glad you can’t.

It’s kind of like individuals who don’t understand why the LGBTQ+ community has gay pride celebrations. How many times have I heard the comments like, “Well we(straight) don’t have “straight pride” celebrations.” The Stonewall Riots were not about having “Straight Pride.” They were about the freedom of being a member of the LGBT community without the fear of being arrested. The idea of “straight pride” is ignorant. And you will look stupid trying to argue that point. So don’t get jealous every year when June rolls around and all of the rainbows, glitter, unicorns and individual pride colors come out and the LGBTQ+ communities are beautiful and flamboyant. Be glad that you don’t have a reason to celebrate “Straight Pride.”

I “came out” in my 30’s as gay. This has presented many problems including lost relationships, shunning by family members and loss of jobs. The list goes on and on. And so do the whispers and backbiting. As scared as I was to make that step forward, I did it! And I have NEVER regretted my decision a day since. I finally stood up and proclaimed who I am! People will call you all kinds of names. It’s the ones you answer to that counts!


“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
-Brene Brown

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Life With The Plant

Life With The Plant

“It doesn’t have a high potential for abuse, and there are very legitimate medical applications. In fact, sometimes Marijuana is the only thing that works… It is irresponsible not to provide the best care we can as a medical community, care that could involve Marijuana. We have been terribly and systematically misled for nearly 70 years in the United States, and I apologize for my own role in that.”

—- Dr. Sanjay Gupta / Neurosurgeon

Where our society and medical professions have advanced from the days of lobotomies, bloodletting, hydrotherapies and many other dehumanizing ways of treating mental illness, many attitudes and stigmas still remain the same.  And still, there are those affiliated with religion that seem to think that mental illness is punishment for moral transgressions.  And yes, I have also been told that even though trauma induced, my alters are actually demons that do not deserve a voice but should be cast out instead.  I chalk a lot of this up to ignorance but still the target was me.

While living in Albuquerque Mel and I would come to realize, unbeknownst to us at the time, the complications that living with a mental illness would entail.  I had lived with severe depression and anxiety since childhood which few people from school days realize.  Even as a child and teenager I was well liked and was one of the favored clowns much like today.  Before we left Mississippi there was very clear evidence that something was definitely wrong.  Finally, breaking free of a 14 year abusive relationship just seemed to complicate life more than either of us could’ve ever imagined.

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Albuquerque was a place where we could break free from the overly conservative south to have a relationship and family, or so we thought.  With each passing day, though, my “quirkiness” would soon take on a life of its own.  By the time our oldest, Marshall, was born it was like the flood gates had been opened.  We were already seeing a very loyal and trusted therapist.  I was now losing time for days and weeks.  I was hallucinating and becoming increasingly suicidal and my behavior was becoming more erratic and at times very scary.  I had also started becoming very aggressive which led to horrible rages.  The scariest part about it all was that I had no memory of these things happening.

The level of trauma that I held within me was now bursting at the seams to a point that I couldn’t contain it.  The harder I tried, the more I failed.  I was seeing a psychiatrist and had run the gamut of psych meds and their subsequent unpleasant side effects trying to find some combination that could provide me, Mel and our new little baby some relief.  I had been given several different diagnoses that never quite seemed to fit.  And each time I would have to be hospitalized the re-traumatization just grew in intensity.

I eventually became toxic from all of the meds and was seen in the emergency room because the doctors thought that my kidneys were shutting down or that I might’ve had a stroke.  I was admitted to the hospital but the next morning the doctor that came to see me was yet another psychiatrist.  Again, it seemed, no one wanted to believe us.  I politely told him he could leave and that I was going to leave as well since nothing was being done and the bill was going higher and higher.  Mel and I left the hospital completely defeated and our trust in the system that was designed to help was becoming depleted.

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Mel would soon begin capturing some of my strange behaviors on video in order to show the doctors exactly what was happening.  Doctors and other professionals still didn’t seem to believe us despite the captured evidence.  No one believed that it was possible to have these types of  behaviors and  to not be able to remember doing them.  When Mel would show me the videos and tell me other things that I had done, I was appalled.  There’s no possible way that I was treating her or our new baby this way.   In some instances, after seeing the footage, I would collapse with grief.

After returning to my psychiatrist following the debacle in the hospital he said, “Hey, how about we try the medications again?”  I simply replied, “You’re crazier than I am if you think I’m going through that shit again.  I almost died from your pharmaceutical poisons.”  Psych meds didn’t help they seem to complicate and exacerbate my symptoms but most of the time left me feeling “robotic” and unable to feel anything. That’s when I was put on medical cannabis and it has been a lifesaver every since.  Anytime, I’ve had to be hospitalized for mental health issues I ALWAYS refuse the medications unless absolutely necessary like for sleep.  The meds have never helped me because most of the time I feel so bad from the side effects of the adjustment period that I’ll just quit taking them.  They simply made me a “chemistry experiment.”

For the first time in my life, I was able to have some type of quality of life while we searched endlessly for someone that could treat my complex traumatic past.  Cannabis has its limitations just like any other medications.  But, for once, something was actually working and “Big Pharma” just couldn’t compete with nature.  These days I don’t ask for permission or have the willingness to wait on an already corrupt government and the decisions of the narcissist clown that currently runs the country to tell me when it’s ok to have a quality of life.  I just simply do what I have to do to survive the best way I know how and most psych meds are still not a part nor will they ever be a part of that formula ever again.

I have taken much criticism for using cannabis as a medication to treat PTSD.  Again, it’s ignorance that seems to fuel these criticisms.  Until you have almost from synthetic medications then maybe an alternative way doesn’t seem feasible. Even as a recovering addict I have yet to have a single problem related to addiction with cannabis.  Hands down this plant has and is continuing to save my life from some incredibly debilitating symptoms.

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For some people cannabis seems to be the only answer.   I take a medication that can replace any combination of psych meds.  There are those times, though, when symptoms seem to just shoot through the medicinal ceiling of the plant.  And this is when I will usually have a backup plan for anxiety meds and sleep meds.  Some people mistakenly think that medical cannabis “cures” PTSD.  I politely tell them that it’s a medication just like any other medication to treat the paralyzing “symptoms” of the disorder only it’s much safer and works better for me.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t have the ability to “unbreak the plate” of the traumas that caused the PTSD to begin with.  You still have to do therapy.  You still can’t go around the issue to reach a resolution.  Painful as it might be the only way for that to happen is to work through it.  Cannabis helps with the very frightening flashbacks, migraines, insomnia, anxiety and any other unpleasant symptom that can lead to suicidal thoughts and behaviors.  So while the presidential pumpkin and his posse are busy playing politics and searching for the next horrible hairdo. I’ve got therapy and a lifetime of trauma to work through.  I and many others don’t have the luxury of being able to wait for them to get finished rolling around in the bed with “Big Pharma” and pass federal legislation so that this medication is legal everywhere. I, not anyone else, will die from my PTSD symptoms unless they’re controlled.  Sadly, many people, as well as, returning soldiers have died by their own hand because of lack of access to a medication that can save lives in so many different ways.

I will always back this highly stigmatized and demonized plant that has helped give me some type of quality of life despite some people’s ignorance about the topic.  My wife will tell you that being put on the cannabis program has saved my life.  And even though functionality still fluctuates heavily sometimes from the disorder itself, it’s still so much better than it could be and has been thanks to a plant called exactly what it is….weed.  Cannabis has had such a positive impact on my life that living without it seems inconceivable.  And the only side effects I have to worry about these days are sleepy, happy and hungry.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Shattered (Poetry)

Shattered

Life began being ripped away,

how that felt I can’t begin to say.

With no voice I lie and wait

Someone? Are you there? Touch is what I crave.

As a little girl touch was what I got.

I didn’t understand. It was painful and hot.

Teen years rolled around and I was locked away.

All I did was cry and pray.

I wanted to disappear in every way.

Everything has a price that must be paid.

She hated food and she hated life.

You did everything possible to make her your wife

SHATTEREX

You always promised you’d never hit her.

But oh those words were so strong and very bitter.

You cut her down and again she was little.

Take her fears and insecurities and made her very brittle.

She refused to leave and would not go.

All she was to you was a legal ho.

To substances she turned to dull her pain

Given the chance she’d do it again.

Many losses and now a new wife.

With two little boys and a new life.

The old life hangs on and the fears are great.

Everything about life she has learned to hate.

Friends and family she’s lost most but not all.

She’s somehow trapped again by four walls.

If they all knew what all it takes to live every day.

Forget the fact that she loves weed or that she’s gay.

Because of you A shattered psyche and a shell is all that is left.

She gets up every day wondering is this the day she will taste death?

By: Dana Landrum-Arnold

#Thispuzzledlife

 

darnold1975

Inside The Rage

Inside the Rage

November 15, 2016

“Rage — whether in reaction to social injustice, or to our leaders’ insanity, or to those who threaten or harm us — is a powerful energy that, with diligent practice, can be transformed into fierce compassion.”
― Bonnie Myotai Treace

 Explicit and detailed rage scene!

I peer through the widow making sure I’m at the correct house. I spot her sitting in her living room with that same scowl on her face from 27 years earlier. The memories of her hatred flood back with the force of Hurricane Katrina and almost paralyzing.  This is the moment at which she would experience the same fear, humiliation, belittling and taunting that I once received from her.  I have prepared for this moment my whole life.  “Be strong, Dana. It’s now our turn” I tell myself.  I knock on the door knowing that I would be recognized immediately.  She opens the door. And before she can say anything I rush the door pushing her off balance back into her house and onto the floor. I pull my 9mm out and point it at her saying, “What you thought I forgot?! Now it’s time to even the score. Please I invite you to take a trip down memory lane with me. You might’ve forgotten what was said and done but I never did. And I never will.” I quickly tie her hands behind her with rope and lock the doors. I make her sit in a chair where she’s tied and threaten to be killed if she says anything without being asked. I tell her, “So this is what it’s like being one up on somebody. No wonder you like that so much.”  With the “deer in the headlights” look on her face and tears welling up in her eyes I say, “Oh is the baby going to cry now? Bitch suck it up!  I had to and I was a child!!!!”

I start pacing with adrenaline and anger at a level that I’ve never felt before. I feel certain that I’ll probably have a heart attack at any moment. But I don’t care. I tell her, “Think to yourself why are you and I back in this position?” Her breathing has become rapid and erratic.  Tears are now flowing down her cheeks and she’s shaking with fear.  “Hey you little bastard!  I asked you a question!” I said as I threw something across the room breaking it against the opposing wall. She starts trying to talk but it sounds mostly like babble. “Shut that hole in your face and talk normal you little idiot! Is it all coming back to you now? Where is everybody to save you? Come on!  Say something or do something so I can send your little unwanted ass to the office again. Hell, no wonder no one wanted you. I wouldn’t have wanted you either.  You’re just a little piece of trash that no one will ever want” and with that I slapped her as hard as I could across the cheek.  A whimper and a whence she continues to cry but now sobbing.  “Suck it up, fish sticks! We’re just getting started.”  I chuckled and say, “Look on the bright side….at least this won’t be every day for a year in a secluded storage closet.”  “I didn’t do anything wrong!” she says.  “Wrong answer, dumbass!” and I slam into her throat with my forearm knocking both she and the chair over with a thud. “IT AIN’T FUN WHEN THE RABBIT GOT THE GUN, IS IT?!!!!”  She slowly shakes her head and starts sobbing louder. “You know what?  I don’t give a fuck what you have to say right now!” I tell her. I rip a piece of duct tape off and put it over her mouth. “You should see how pathetic you look. You could dish it out to a kid but you can’t take it?  This time I have a smile on my face and YOU have the tears. How does it feel now that the roles are reversed?  Who gave you the right or idea that it was in any way ok for the way you treated children? You fucking disgust me!”  As I look into her eyes, I can tell that she is experiencing the depth of fear that I did. The feeling I got was something of validation.

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I slowly walk behind her and whisper in her ear….”No Child Left Behind” and “Teachers touch lives for a lifetime.” I ask her, “Do those statements mean anything to you? Because they mean everything to me. Remember when I fell through the cracks and had to endure your abuse by myself?  Remember how you would embarrass me in front of my peers with your hatred?  Do you remember any of the things I said to you being said to me?  And I find out through the years that you’ve said similar things to other children? So why are you so surprised that I’m back?  The guilt of not having found a way to stop you so no one else got hurt is why I’m back, bitch.” All she can do is look at me knowing well what I’m talking about but not knowing what I’m fully capable of doing. “You altered the course of my life forever with your abusive hatred! You took my fears and insecurities and used them as a weapon by making them public through humiliation!  Your words and actions have left me unable to deal with life and on disability now.  I got me degrees to prove you wrong but you still managed to raise your ugly head and cripple me this many years later.  I survived you and your abuse. Will you survive mine?”  I turn around facing the wall instead of her and I felt a small tear streams down my face.  I turned around. I pointed the gun at her and hearing her muffled screams I say to her, “They say the root of all evil is money.  But it’s not.  The root of all evil is the abuse of power.  You don’t matter to anyone. You never did.”  As I’m starting to pull the trigger I’m startled by a loud noise.  What I soon realize is that the loud noise was the ice maker in the refrigerator here at home. And I’ve been sitting in my recliner for a couple of hours looking at a chair on the other side of the room.

A flood of nausea from a now raging and might I say, angry, migraine is now plaguing me physically.  I quickly try to figure out the current situation, time and place.  My heart is pounding and adrenaline is rapidly flowing through me veins. I grab my pipe with my medical cannabis needing some ‘hurry up’ relief.  I’m already having to play catch up with this migraine.  My legs feel like they have been set on fire. And I’m doing my best to hold down lunch. I feel like something is trying to crawl out of me and run.  From deep within I hear and feel the panic of “Let me out! Get away from me! Let me out! Get away from me!” This calls for a dab of wax. But not before I realize that the belt is wrapped around my arm as a tourniquet in the familiar preparation for cutting.  I just lay back and let it happen.  She needs relief and so do I.  Several minutes go by and I slowly begin to reorient to my surroundings again with a neatly bandaged arm.  I’m weak and exhausted but I now feel now, as though, I might not die.  I look around the room and see that it resembles somewhat of a ditch house for drug addicts or the homeless.  Things are broken that I have no memory of doing yet I was alone all day.  I quietly begin to sob by myself partially out of fear.  But also out of relief that this time no one was home but me.  And I say once again to my internal guys, “Thank you for keeping me safe yet again.”

“I finally understood what could drive kids to show up with guns and shoot up their schools.”
― Nenia Campbell, Freaky Freshman

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Back In The Saddle? We Think Not.

Back in the Saddle? We think not.

November 14, 2016

“Somehow the disorder hooks into all kinds of fears and insecurities in many clinicians. The flamboyance of the multiple, her intelligence and ability to conceptualize the disorder, coupled with suicidal impulses of various orders of seriousness, all seem to mask for many therapists the underlying pain, dependency, and need that are very much part of the process. In many ways, a professional dealing with a multiple in crisis is in the same position as a parent dealing with a two-year-old or with an adolescent’s acting-out behavior. (236)”
― Lynn I. Wilson, The Flock: The Autobiography of a Multiple Personality

Since my last blog, life has hit both me and my family like a tsunami.  Attempting to live with Dissociate Identity Disorder has become a bigger challenge than either my wife or myself could’ve ever imagined.  The agony of trying to find a therapist in the state of New Mexico who specializes in this disorder has been nothing less than impossible.  The lack of knowledge on this disorder by therapists that we have dealt with has left my wife and I in tears and shaking our heads. We have decided that New Mexico has given us the best it has to offer….our boys. As far as competent mental health services, it like the rest of the country it leaves a lot to be desired.

I like many other clients resort to staying away from the therapy field, for the most part, because of the additional damage that has been done.  There just aren’t enough therapists who are competent enough treating severe trauma related disorders.  Let me lay it out….so, when an individual goes to a community mental health therapist they are usually being seen for depression, anxiety, OCD, eating disorders, phobias, etc.  Where all of these are often seen in trauma related disorders the thing that sets this apart from DID is the fact that there’s often one issue that becomes problematic.  In DID, there are often numerous issues that on a 1-10 scale are all busting out at a 15 at any given time.  Additionally, my psyche has compartmentalized memories of the traumas which has created alters all with their own personal needs, fears and individual diagnoses. There are times throughout the days and weeks where I have absolutely no memory of anything.  I or shall I say some part of me could’ve been having a conversation and interacting with you as though I was completely coherent.  Trust me…being told I’ve done things leaves me just as stunned as telling someone that I have no idea what had transpired during my encounter with them.  As frustrating as I’ve seen therapists get while attempting to blindly treat this disorder, what has been the most damaging are uncontrolled egos.  Where there might be a lack of knowledge of specific trauma related issues, whatever happened to genuine compassion instead of therapeutic arrogance?  Luckily, there has been only a one, thus far,  that hasn’t jumped out of the pot just because the water got hot. Personally that has done more for peace of mind than any therapeutic relationship in the past.

trapped in head

Slowly, I hope to fill in some time gaps from the last 1-2 years.  Our boys are what seems to propel this family into continuing the often heart breaking and gut wrenching symptoms and effects that this disorder is taking on both me, Mel and our kids.  They keep days when smiling isn’t possible at least somewhat tolerable.  The purity of love between a child and a parent is one that’s individual and impenetrable.

I won’t lie and pretend that everything is Ok because it’s not.  Bad experiences therapeutically has left me incredibly rigid from the sting of unethical behaviors.  Physically I stay sick every single day in some way.  But truthfully, fear keeps me paralyzed. I have in many ways become a prisoner to my house.  Driving has become too dangerous because of uncontrolled dissociation and switching.  My eyesight changes as alters change making being able to see while driving anything but safe.  Getting lost while driving and not knowing where I’m located and, at times, not knowing the city or state where I’m located presents its own unique hurdles.  Sometimes daily migraines up to 17 hours before any relief is achieved.  And, well, after the previous 3 year battle to prove my innocence in a DUI case because of a dissociative episode while driving has left me quite shaky when it comes to driving by myself.

anne sexton

Going into public now requires that I be heavily medicated to keep the pure terror and panic attacks to a somewhat manageable level and keep anything unpleasant from happening like vomiting; or a terrified and paranoid alter from appearing; or not being able to complete a sentence because too many are trying to talk and I sound like I’m stuttering. I also seem, at times, to not be able to count money or to be able to answer routine questions asked by anyone at a business without little beads of perspiration on my brow because I can’t comprehend what they’re asking or what the conversation consists of.  With Mel by my side the help is there but the embarrassment is often times unavoidable.  When I’m by myself , I’m socially a wreck. I make it out the house and into my vehicle only to turn around within a couple of miles because the anxiety gets intolerable.  I then retreat to my life behind the walls of our house wondering if and when this nightmare will ever end.

With so many stigmas surrounding the disorder and myths about how it should present itself, it’s no wonder so many professionals haven’t the slightest idea what small glimpse of a world they might see before them.  Strictly based on the ideas that Hollywood portrays is another reason so many have the opinions that to have DID you must resemble Sybil Dorsett in the movie Sybil.  When, in fact, switching can be very subtle and unnoticeable.  There is also the ongoing debate about whether or not Dissociative Identity Disorder is an actual disorder.  This disorder has been in the manual since the DSM-III (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 3rd edition, 1980) when it first called this disorder Hysterical Neurosis, Dissociative Type.   Since then, the sometimes strange and hurtful behaviors and complications of this disorder have been studied. The knowledge and reasons for the disorder forming are of a much  higher prevalence than once thought. But an even higher prevalence of misdiagnosis sometimes for many years due to the lack of education about how to diagnose properly.  This disorder is very complex, perplexing, frustrating and at times damaging both physically and emotionally to the patient and the families.  Very simply stated….. Dissociative Identity Disorder is very much a reality for our family.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Copeland’s Arrival

Copeland’s Arrival

6.3.15

“You may one day do great things and I will be proud of you,

but no matter how old you are or what you do with

your life, you will always be my little boy.”

—Anonymous

The day had finally come for the arrival of the newest member of the Landrum-Arnold family.  Copeland Samuel Landrum-Arnold was born May 3, 2015 at 8:06 pm.  He was born exactly six weeks early measuring in at a whopping 5.6 lbs and 17.5 inches long.  The long days and nights of sweating the health of our only living baby in utero was finally worth the wait.

The scene was like you would expect any other delivery process with doctors and nurses fluttering around but knowing exactly their individual jobs.  However, mine and Mel’s situations in life usually consist of a ‘hang-up’ and occasionally attached with it is humor.  Mel was induced slowly with Magnesium and Pitocin over a 27 hour period before finally dilating 7 cm in less than an hour.   And yes, before you even wonder, she did have an epidural because neither she nor I would have survived without one. While we were headed to the delivery room knowing that we would see our new baby boy soon, all I could think was, “Oh my God, I have no one to go into the delivery room in my place like we had planned!” I get all dressed up in scrubs and head off reluctantly to face the next few moments.  As we make our way into the delivery room, the nurses tell me where to stand and start making adjustments to the bed.  Apparently, this was a very bad idea to the bed itself.  It soon malfunctioned and Mel was eventually sitting in a 90 degree angle and I was forced to stand on my tiptoes to hold her hand because the bed started going up and wouldn’t stop.  We laugh about this now minor issue that occurred. But, at the time, all I could think was, “I’m not going to be able to be with her during the delivery because she’s going to deliver on the ceiling!” Yes, I know that I was irrational but the fear was real and irrational.

Some people have the misconception about preemies that the issues are about weight.  While this is true, the deeper and more concerning issues are gestational and developmental.  Here’s an example….When a full term baby is born, they are born with the instinct to suck, swallow and breathe at the appropriate times.  Preemies have to be taught to do this correctly because they are born before this instinct kicks in.  Even when being taught these skills, premature babies must drink a higher calorie formula and be fed at certain times to ensure proper weight gain.  All diapers both brown and yellow must be weighed and a chart is kept to track the weight gains and losses, as well as, how much is consumed at every feeding.  Even with all of this in place, preemies are also often tube fed either through their mouth or their nose.  Preemies also have issues with maintaining proper body temperature and breathing properly which can lead to apnea and bradycardia episodes making it too dangerous to go home without being monitored constantly.  There is a lot more involved than what I’ve briefly stated.  Make no mistake that it’s one of the most grueling and stressful processes that any first time or seasoned parents can go through both emotionally and physically.  This was our second go around with a preemie and just as stressful.  The smartest and most important thing Mel and I did for our family and ourselves was to say, “No family visiting until after we get home from the hospital with Copeland.” We couldn’t handle one more drop of stress be it good or bad and we knew that going in to the situation.

copeland

The next hurdle would be one that we were familiar with but still scared us to our core.  When Copeland was born, he was whisked away very quickly and immediately put on a CPAP machine and other tubes, wires and additional machines like a lot of preemie babies.  We would not get to see or touch our baby for another 48 hours.  That’s one of the many things that families with term babies with no complications seem to take for granted at times.  I can’t explain, in words, how excruciating that was to see and feel our brand new baby being taken away before we could hold, touch or kiss him.  Even that moment couldn’t compare to leaving the hospital and going home without our baby.

There was a time that I remembered sitting in my vehicle, as I normally do, listening to music and vaping some good medicine while trying to regain balance.  There was that one day, though, and there have been many since where I put my head down in my hands and just cried alone out of sheer exhaustion.  I have cried out of fear for our son’s uncertain future; the loss of our other child that was supposed to be born but wasn’t; and just the simple fact that the long wait for Copeland to arrive was finally here.  For me, this grieving process was and still is much needed.

For the next month, our days would consist of Mel spending entire days at the hospital in the NICU with Copeland feeding, bathing and rocking him.  I would be running errands, taking care of daily house chores and making sure Marshall was taken care of.  We would also get reacquainted to what I like to call ‘preemie math.’   We would soon be measuring everything in grams and ounces.  Finally math that I could understand! I need to point out that I would also go to the hospital and spend time in the NICU with Mel and Copeland but our time would have to be limited because all the stimulation of the hospital and stressful nature of the situation could and eventually would overload my internal system.  There were days when I would go early in the morning with Mel to the hospital after dropping Marshall off at daycare.  I would stay a couple of hours and then have to go home. The stress alone could take me the rest of the day to recover both mentally and physically.

NICU

One of my greatest fears of having another child was not knowing where the same amount of love would come from that we already have for Marshall.  When Copeland was born it was like a secret hidden door within my heart, that I never knew was there, opened up and another “honey hole” of love was discovered that was put away for safe keeping for this special little preemie boy.  Unlike, with Marshall, I seemed to instantly connect and become increasingly protective and bonded to Copeland.  The fear, guilt and shame hit me like a fierce wall of water.  Had I cheated Marshall?  Was I showing favoritism?  All I could possibly think at this time was, “Omg, what do I do and what have I done?” Once again, my disorder has cheated me and my family out of moments that should be cherished. I struggled with these fears and doubts until I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.  I went to Mel with my tears and broken heart and she reminds me that mentally I’m in a completely different place then I was with Marshall.  She puts the situation in perspective in a way that I can internalize by telling me that Marshall paved the way through early motherhood and early DID to prepare my heart and system for Copeland.  Even now this is still a difficult concept to accept.

For a split second, the idea occurs that I should just pick up the phone and call Sarah.  Just as I’m about to dial her number, the harsh reality hits me again like a gunshot to my heart, that she’s dead.  I start to panic inside while trying to keep it hidden but my tears have other ideas.  Oh, how my heart selfishly longs and hurts to hear her comforting words again. How I wanted to desperately to send her pictures of our brand new baby boy. My head and heart begin spinning out of control with no one to fill that hurt and need to be comforted in only a way that she could.  I don’t have time for this now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

big strides

As I have done most of my life, I put my hurt and grieving on the back burner to handle the job before me.  No matter how hard I try, the feelings soon turn to anger.  The more I tried to suppress the feelings, the more the anger was building.  As I tried sorting out all of the feelings and where they were coming from, the love for Copeland continued to grow.

Marshall wanted to fully embrace his job as a big brother; however, the hospital had a lockdown on anyone under the age of 15, including siblings until June 1st because of some type of respiratory virus that was concerning the CDC.  This meant that the only way Marshall could even see Copeland was made available through modern technology.  Thank you God for Facetime on Iphones!  Marshall was itching to get to see and hold his baby brother.  As my dear ‘farm raised’ wife would say, “Marshall could worry the horns off a billy goat.” And that is exactly what he did for an entire month until he and Copeland finally met.  He just couldn’t and wasn’t expected to fully comprehend the situation at hand.  In his mind, he has a baby brother so why can’t I see him?  This situation alone was heart wrenching.

The day Copeland finally was able to come home, we all were able to breathe a sigh of relief even his big brother, Marshall.  For on this day, we were able to see colors a little more clearly and the sun shone a little bit brighter.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

420: Not Just A Stoner’s Holiday

420: Not just a Stoner’s Holiday

“If the words “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” don’t include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn’t worth the hemp it was written on.”
– Terence McKenna

This time exactly one year ago I was attending the High Times Cannabis Cup in Denver, Colorado. I didn’t view it then as a ‘get high free-for-all’ but rather as a ‘looking for new meds adventure.’  Believe it or not, there is a difference in marijuana and how it affects the body based on what type of condition that’s being treated.  Yes, I did happen to run into Snoop Dogg at one of the dispensaries.  And yes it was awesome!  This year, however, since our little boy is on the horizon, my wife advised that I stay close to home.  Notice I said my wife advised me.  So, I…..took her advice.

Anyway, I think one of the common misconceptions about those of us who use cannabis whether as a medicine or recreationally are seen as the stereotypical ‘stoners’ like Cheech and Chong.  I also think that most people’s perceptions are that most consumption is through smoking out of a pipe or a bong (water pipe).  I’m not going to attempt to go through all the specifics about the different strains because there are more than I can count.  I will say that this medicine in made in the bud, edible, wax, shatter, tincture, salve and pill forms.

Why do I seem to harp so much about this medication?  It is also helping me to survive the wounds from the past.  The addiction community, depending on the area of the country, are usually not in favor of any ‘mood altering’ substances.  Think about this…..ever been around your spouse or yourself in the mornings before you’ve had your coffee?  I’m just sayin’.  Yep, very mood altering.  Now, I’m not making light of the concerns.  That was just something I thought of that I personally found amusing.

Snoop Dog Dana

In earlier blog posts, I’ve stated my concerns about being a former practicing drug addict and being suggested to use cannabis as a medication.  Not everyone’s situation is the same and I get that.  I can say that my wife and I felt like we were in a ‘do or die’ situation.  Is it mood altering for me?  My wife would tell you, “Thank God it is!”  With everything that goes on in my brain on a daily basis, vaporizing some medical grade cannabis can actually bring me back down to reality and into a much calmer state.

Now, some of the arguments I’ve heard against medical cannabis is, “not everyone is going to have a legitimate medical condition.”  You know what? That’s true.  How many prescription drug addicts have legitimate conditions that require the AMOUNT of medication that they’re taking?  I would much rather all the prescription pill drug addicts trade all their pills in  for a designated amount of weed each month and see how far down the death rate goes and the overdose rate goes.  All of those amounts will correlate to the amount of Cheetos and Girl Scout Cookie stock rising to an all time astronomical high.

These are very ‘tongue n’ cheek’ views but getting heated usually doesn’t help much.  I just know that I was very closed minded and had very tunnel vision on addiction and how it MUST be treated before moving to New Mexico from the South.  My former clients, additional recovery services and my own struggles with mental illness have led me to a less rigid view on this drug.  I still maintain a somewhat rigid view on just about any other drug.  The benefits of marijuana are seen and felt everyday in the LIVES of the LANDRUM-ARNOLD FAMILY.  If this medication can bring me this much mental and physical relief from PTSD and other complications associated with a lifetime of abuse.  Surely, our soldiers should be handed an ounce and a card when they step back on to U.S. soil from having to kill people and see their buddies killed just so I can be free.

235

Let me wonder just for a minute out loud about things in the elusive ‘perfect world.’  I wonder if cannabis were available to everyone how many people would still be on social security disability long term.  I wonder how many suicides could or would be prevented. I wonder how much the crime rate would go down.  I wonder how many soldiers would actually be able to adjust to civilian life instead of living with an ongoing war between their ears that, from personal experience, is unbearable.  I wonder how many more people with physical disabilities could get the relief the need and beg for daily?  I wonder how many children could have a better childhood free from seizures.  I wonder how many people would and could live instead of dying from cancer.  I wonder how long it’s going to be for others to have a quality of life also.

I guess I should get you a little bit of information about how the term “420” became the big “stoner’s holiday.”  So, here’s a little explanation from good ole Wikipedia which is NOT a scholarly source, I might add…..

A group of people in San Rafael, California, calling themselves the Waldos because “their chosen hang-out spot was a wall outside the school”, used the term in connection with a fall 1971 plan to search for an abandoned cannabis crop that they had learned about. The Waldos designated the Louis Pasteur statue on the grounds of San Rafael High School as their meeting place, and 4:20 p.m. as their meeting time. The Waldos referred to this plan with the phrase “4:20 Louis”. Multiple failed attempts to find the crop eventually shortened their phrase to simply “4:20”, which ultimately evolved into a codeword that the teens used to mean marijuana-smoking in general. Mike Edison says that Steven Hager of High Times was responsible for taking the story about the Waldos to “mind-boggling, cult like extremes” and “suppressing” all other stories about the origin of the term.

Hager wrote “Stoner Smart or Stoner Stupid?” in which he called for 4:20 p.m. to be the socially accepted hour of the day to consume cannabis.  He attributes the early spread of the phrase to Grateful Dead followers, who were also linked to the city of San Rafael.

Now wasn’t that just the most profound information you’ve ever read?  Sounds like a true stoner story for sure.  Some say that ‘street weed’ and ‘medical grade’ are the same. They are NOT.  Medical grade is governed so closely as to what they can use on the plants to make sure they’re safe for the public.  Street weed, well…..is not governed and is often sprayed with chemicals which can cause paranoia, psychosis, etc. depending on the chemicals used.

The medication I use today has three side effects:  eat, laugh, and sleep. Yep, that’s about it.  I still have other conditions that require additional medications.  Let me remind you that marijuana is a medication not a ‘cure all.’ Therefore, there are some conditions that still are unknown or cannot be treated with marijuana that is known at this time.   One thing I do know, for ME, all of my psych meds are rolled up into one vaporizer.

420 the ‘stoner’s holiday’ is written a few different ways such as:  4/20, 420, 4:20.  Most see this just as another day for people to get high.  But for those of us who depend on this “weed”, “flower”, “medication”, “bud”, “ganja”, “herb” or whatever you want to call it to simply have a quality of life.  We see this as a day to celebrate this medication that helps make life worth living again.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

“I Believe You….”

“I Believe You….”

4.12.15

“I Believe You. It’s Not Your Fault.”

—-Anonymous

Ok, so just maybe the quote isn’t one from a famous philosopher, actor, psychologist, theorist or author.  Technically, anyone could say those two sentences. After thinking about some of the words for the past couple of weeks, I have come to the following conclusion.  We’ve all heard the saying that something can, “make or break someone.”  Well, here’s a rather stunning example of just that.  In the therapeutic world these two sentences can, in fact, ‘make or break’ a trauma survivor.

There was someone that I was working with recently that I asked, “Do you believe me?”  This had been a question that had been gnawing at my insides for a long time that I never voiced until then.  The response was, “It doesn’t matter what I believe. It’s about helping you deal with the feelings.”  Now, why is this significant?  Firstly, I would like to point out that I do not believe in any way that this was said maliciously.  However, something within my internal ‘system’ just wouldn’t let it rest.  I instantly my anger grew by the second.  The anger was not creeping but sprinting straight from my gut to my brain at a speed that I was, unfortunately, extremely familiar.  All I wanted to do was get out of where I was and get as far away as I could.  At the same time, I was very confused at how very angry I was becoming over seemingly something so insignificant.  I just wanted to get out of the situation. I felt as though there was about to be collateral damage.

Later, once I’ve had time to allow the physical feelings to subside and for my brain to return to the typical crazy norm, I search inside for answers.  What could’ve possibly triggered me so badly?  I didn’t know but….it didn’t feel good.  My body had exploded with tension in all of my 2000 parts.  And the only way, I can describe what my brain felt like was like an earthquake had shaken everything into disarray.  Once again, I sit and listen to the ranting and raving of some of the ‘insiders.’  I just try to remain a by standard and listen.

I also can’t help but to feel a very overwhelming sense of fear that has me partially paralyzed.  I’m trying to sort through everything while trying to maintain and it’s not working.  Me and the medical marijuana become rather close friends for the rest of the day.  My mind and body was screaming for relief.  I talked some to my wife but kept a lot inside to try and sort out on my own.  What had just happened?!

I was looking for a great big ‘a-ha’ or ‘bright light’ moment and it came down to something this simple, yet, very important.  Perpetrators are master manipulators in every way possible.  The two most significant things I was always told was that, “No one would ever believe me and somehow it was MY fault.”  While I was not outright told that I wasn’t believed, I was also told that it didn’t matter. I was beyond crushed.  Alters in my system went ballistic.  There were ‘internal’ tears, anger, screaming, raging, blaming, hurt and pain that was resulting in a chaotic mess.  Each day, I find out more and more ‘triggers’ that can lead to a reaction.  It looks like we found another one.

One of the advantages of being a trauma survivor is hyper awareness of surroundings.  Advantages how?  I notice everything that is going on around me down to minute details.  That’s how, in some instances, I was able to stay ahead of my perpetrators and stay safe.  Also having a degree in a behavioral science helps understand behavior as well.  Therapeutic relationships of any kind especially with someone in power can only thrive if there is trust that has developed.  Once that is gone so is the relationship.  What if you were someone’s one and only contact and they came straight out of a lifetime of trauma and abuse to someone who doesn’t believe that it matters whether or not we as trauma survivors place a high importance on being believed about what has happened to us? For this brief moment in time, my abusers seemed to be correct, we didn’t seem to be believed. Does it scare you?  It did me.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

It’s Not Easy Being Green

“It’s not easy being green”

3.18.15

“If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.”
– Buddha

The intention when talking about the controversial topic of medical cannabis is not to attempt at changing your personal views.  It’s simply to let you see how it has affected me personally since this blog is about my journey with DID.  Let me interject by saying that I will speak more than once on a particular topic and possibly say some of the same things. Ignore that and keep reading.  You have to understand that every day for me is like the movie Groundhog Day. Now back to our cannabis topic…..

One thing I learned about living in a ‘melting pot’ of a city like Albuquerque is that there are many different views  and many of them very liberal on many different topics especially addiction and recovery.  I must say that being raised on a ’12-Step’ way of thinking in a ’12-Step’ recovery community, I was pretty rigid on my beliefs about addiction and recovery too.  I’m still a big believer in the 12 steps and have watched the miracle of recovery happen to many people including my own clients.

Living in a much larger city than what I was raised in has shown me what addiction looks like from the very bottom in most cases.  I have never seen a substance abuse problem of this magnitude ever in my life.  Most of my clientele have consisted of the homeless or methadone clinic clients.  Both clientele are difficult due to the unique challenges not only each individual face emotionally but just in basic needs that most take for granted.  I have a heart that has been touched and shot with cupid’s arrow for these guys I can assure you.

What I was soon faced with was something I would come to a cross roads about the many years of “recovery” beliefs.  I started hearing more and more about the Medical Marijuana Program (MMJ) here in New Mexico.  I was instantly almost angered by the idea as marijuana as a medication.  I thought to myself, “Isn’t the drug problem bad enough?”  However, the idea was talked about, both sides of the debate for several years now.  The clients that I was treating were clients with prescription pills, alcohol, heroin and most anything else for addiction.  Heroin, Alcohol and Methamphetamine being the main substances used out here but not presenting for treatment for marijuana addiction.  (I did not just say that it doesn’t or can’t happen.)  I did have to get used to the idea of this flower being referred to as a medication.  But, my clients claimed that their own quality of life was improving despite their addiction to the other substances.  The doctor overseeing the program was also very non-chalant about marijuana as well.

In the meantime,  my mental health issues had been hitting the skids for a while and were now becoming ever more present in everyday life.  I was not able to control or hide the “quirks” that I might would have at home.  I’ve always thought that with psychiatric medications and their side effects that I was actually better before I started taking them to begin with.  My psychiatrist later told us that it’s no wonder that none of the seemingly every psyche medication know to man that nothing really worked.  He explained that because of my diagnosis that some medications work on some alters where other medications make conditions for others worse.  Finally, someone that could answer at least one daily frustrating question.  I needed something to “tame the madness.”  I wasn’t sleeping at all.  I was aggressive most of the time.  I couldn’t stay grounded.  It was total chaos.  I’ve had times since then but thank God not as frequent by a long shot.

My psychiatrist said to me, “About all there’s left is medical marijuana.  Would you be willing to try it?”  My wife, knowing the addiction history I have, looked at me and had told him before but reiterated the fact that I am an addict.  He said, “You know, just try it. If it becomes a problem, we’ll get you off it and you don’t ever have to touch it again.”  A cold chill went throughout my body.  “Is this what I’m about to have to sacrifice to live?” I thought.  We took the signed paper and agreed to talk about it. I was torn inside.  I knew what I had been taught about addiction.   I also knew what I was being forced to live with and how my quality of life had plummeted.  Mel, as educated as she was in the area of addiction said, “At this point, I’ll try anything.”  We were both being drained of our lives while trying to be moms to an infant.  Something had to give.  I hadn’t smoked pot in many years and didn’t know one thing about medical marijuana and it’s medicinal properties.  My psychiatrist said it could help my PTSD and I knew that my options had come down to weed or a 9mm.

Exactly one month to the day that I sent the application off to the state I received my MMJ card.  I had begun reading about the different strains and about edibles and anything related to this plant.  When I got my card the fear had begun to fade and I was ready to get my life a little more livable and quality just like veterans with PTSD.  We were off to get my new green meds.

I get to a local dispensary, where I was greeted and asked not what my medical condition was but what symptoms I was having.  They begin educating me on the difference in indica, sativa, high CBD strains, edibles, tinctures, wax, shatter, crumble and what might work with my conditions.  I was very nervous about this new endeavor and scared about spinning out of control in the most miserable place in the world….ADDICTION.

IMG_0002

That first night I began to use my “new” medication was the first night I was able to see something at the end of the tunnel.  I couldn’t make it out, but I was intrigued enough to keep going.  I was finally able to sleep.  I was able to function during the day.  I was able to come off IBS medication.  My depression was being managed as well as my suicidal ideations, mania and urges to self-harm.  My relationship with my wife and son began to improve.  This is not a cure all plant by any means.  I still have to put in the elbow grease and deal with my trauma every day.  This sure makes the process much more tolerable.

Notice I didn’t say that it managed not eradicated thoughts and behaviors.  These behaviors still happen more than even Mel knows.  A lot of people might think that medical marijuana is just a reason people can give to get high.  The truth is that people take medications all the time for the wrong reasons and others take for the right reasons.  Also, medication high in CBD can also have very little psychoactive effects making it possible to work or go to school and function with no problem.  Medical marijuana patients are also often thought of as a Cheech & Chong type of brain cell lacking type of functioning. This isn’t true either.  Most people make comments out of ignorance and I just tend to ignore a lot of it.  Because, until you have a condition where conventional medication doesn’t work or has side effects that trump the original condition, you don’t know that level of desperation.

Most people ask how it’s prescribed? There are no labels that say, “Smoke one bowl in the morning and one bowl at night.  Finish off with Cheetos.” It’s very trial and error type of a process.   You will find your level of medication and if you overdo it, you won’t do it again.  Reason: because while you got too high the only question you could think of and not answer was, “Where did I leave my butt? And how do I reach the Cheetos?”

Our son has only heard marijuana being referred to as, “Momma D’s medicine.”  We don’t make a big deal about it and treat it like it is…..medicine.  I have been on the program for 2.5 years now and have never gotten out of control with my using or had any problems arising related to addiction.  I’m off all medications except a couple supplemental meds to help with areas in the body that the marijuana can’t.  The PTSD and DID haven’t disappear and probably never will. That doesn’t mean I have to either.

So, while this topic isn’t very popular with a lot of people back south, for this family, it’s important that not only us but other families benefit from this plant as well.  I’m a believer and advocate for this medication even as an addiction professional.  More importantly, my wife is a big advocate for a plant that has helped to save her wife’s life.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

The Levees Have Finally Broken

The Levees Have Finally Broken

2.24.15

 “When a friend of Abigail and John Adams was killed at Bunker Hill, Abigail’s response was to write a letter to her husband and include these words, “My bursting heart must find vent at my pen.” 
― David McCullough

I find myself this morning at a point where I seem to be consumed by grief.  The losses in 2014 and now already in 2015 have opened the door to the room where I like to store grief and remain strong.  Grieving has never been something that I’ve just been able to embrace as a part of life.  I was shown, in many different ways, that grief is a sign of weakness.  I was belittled for this naturally occurring emotion in life so many times that my attitude has always been, “I’ll deal with it later.” At almost 40 years old, “later” has become “now.”  My body and mind have reached their own limits on storing grief.  There is no more room to stuff one ounce of grief into my body.  This doesn’t mean that I never cried during life.  It means that I never fully dealt with what has hurt me during my life.  Through all the abuse, the only option was to put it aside and fight whoever or whatever situation was in front of me.  There is a lot in almost 40 years that I must now take the time to sit with and just let the grieving happen.

Sarah Pardue always would tell me in only her gentle kind of way, “Dana, it’s ok to get down and roll around in your sadness and grief.  Just don’t make your bed down there.”  She knew that her death would be very difficult for me to bare.  However, someone bigger and higher knew that her death would also be the “final straw” and key to forcing me to finally be able to grieve properly.  Where I have been able to suppress most feelings connected to events in my life, my feelings attached to her passing are ones that I cannot hide.

The wounds from my lifetime have had the scabs ripped off them and have started to bleed again.  I have bled blood. Now I bleed tears.  The muscles in my body twitch and cause excruciating pain that look at the medical marijuana as though it were candy and fly right through any attempts at pain relief.  This is what I personally see and experience as my body crying.  What do I grieve?

  1. I grieve the loss of a relationship that was never formed with my birth mom.
  1. I grieve the reality that she was so damaged that she never had the capability to love me.
  1. I grieve the loss of coming face-to-face with her and being very blatantly rejected again.
  1. I grieve the loss of my innocence as a child to those I trusted to love and care for me when my parents had things to do.
  1. I grieve the loss of the trust in genuinely good people because of the bad intentions of others.
  1. I grieve the 14 years that I allowed myself to be perpetrated in some of the vilest forms at the hands of someone who said all the ‘right’ things to get his hooks in me.
  1. I grieve the loss of happiness of my teenage years that began a life that became consumed by addictions.
  1. I grieve the loss of horrendous things that were done to my animals in a final effort to destroy what was left of me.
  1. I grieve the loss of friends and family due to ignorance on different subjects.
  1. I grieve for my family, the things that they never knew and that came out in many other forms towards them.
  1. I grieve for the unknown in this journey of recovery.
  1. I grieve for my wife, as she struggles with me to make sense of a disorder that neither she nor I were prepared to deal with.
  1. I grieve for her sadness as she has come to understand the true meaning of “helplessness” while watching the torture that I go through both mentally and physically, as a result, of the pathology of a lifetime of others.
  1. I grieve for the loss of one of our unborn children.
  1. I grieve the unknown for our son being in a minority family.
  1. I grieve about the ignorance of others and how someone’s genitalia are more important than a genuine love or authenticity of a person.
  1. I grieve the mental health system in this country where instead of embracing people that ask for help, there seems to be the attitude to snicker and shut the door.
  1. I grieve for the sadness that I see and feel from other people that I cannot do anything about.
  1. I grieve for the children every day that are just beginning their own journeys in the world of abuse.
  1. I grieve the fact that even my own knowledge and degree can’t undo what has been done.
  1. I grieve the fact that it’s taken me this long in my life just to be able to properly grieve.
  1. I grieve the fact that I have to be the one to take this painful journey when I’ve already survived it once.
  1. I grieve for friends and their families as their lives were lost for reasons unknown.
  1. I grieve the loss of my grandmothers who have also become guides.
  1. I grieve my professional career that has been put on hold because there were people that didn’t deal with their own trauma.

There’s so much more to list that I could spend weeks doing nothing but typing things that I’m grieving over.  This grief has also led to people that are back in my life after many years because as one person put it, “God has a sense of humor.”  I have met and maintained relationships with people that give me hope that there might really still be some people in this world that accept others as they are with no strings attached.  For these people, there are no words to convey the appreciation and comfort that you continue to provide to both me and my family.

The only phrase that I can feel that can possibly describes this personal view of where I am right now……..”The levees have finally broken.”

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

And So Our Day Begins….

And So Our Day Begins…..

1.29.15

 “All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.”

― Sophocles, Antigone

My body awakens with a severe headache. Legs slowly begin to cramp. Body aches with a detox feel.  In my heart I know it’s my body releasing trauma that’s been trapped for many years. I don’t freak out about it because I know what it is. However, it doesn’t make it feel any better.

Session is later this morning.  Everyone inside is always on edge. It’s like being in a classroom hoping and praying that your name isn’t called. Somehow the topic turns down a familiar road. Except this morning there is extreme nausea.  I now regret driving here but beg for more at the same time. I medicate have taken my pre-therapy dose of phenergan.  I also have been sitting outside the office listening to my music and smoking cannabis wax waiting for the relief from some of the nausea and anxiety. I always arrive early just to take time to prepare for what could possibly be discussed.  My goal for the day:  Don’t puke in the therapist office.

Eating disorder came out unscathed again! Wheww!!!! And none of the ‘yuckies’ today either. Just an intense amount if physical pain with a brain to match an out of control daycare center.

I tried the best I could to comprehend my therapist’s end of the session instructions.  I felt like I was in a spinning tunnel. Insiders were really upset, some were mad, sad and/or both.  Recent life events has been both a blessing and a curse.  My system’s walls have been dropped now leaving me emotionally very vulnerable.  Driving has become a topic of concern the last few months. This morning, I can say that I was actually scared to drive. This is the one thing I feel I have left is driving. I don’t do it much anyway because of the symptoms of the condition.  This is hurting my heart with this realization of possibly losing some of my independence.

Where did the session go? I was just talking to her.

Right now, my body and mind knows the torture of flashbacks, and the repeated screaming at the top of their lungs. I’m nauseous and mentally I leave there saying, “I’m ok.” Knowing I’m not. There’s a little pride issue I have so there I said it.  That’s why I didn’t say anything.

I sit in the car trying to gather my bearings. My head is spinning. People are yelling from the flashbacks. Alters are in an uproar. And all at once, my body begins to cramp all over. I have my music blaring trying to keep me grounded for the moment without drawing attention. I sit for a few minutes and it turns into____?  I don’t know what time I left. 5 minutes? 20 minutes? 1 hour?

I back out slowly like a shaky toddler. I know instantly something still isn’t ok.  To save my pride, I pull out safely into traffic. But can’t quite understand where I’m going or how to get there.  I look up and I’m turning onto the base. Yay! I made it home but how? Wow! Having a moment like that can wake you up. The rest of the day….yea not sure about it either.  I’ll get the daily recap later this afternoon from Mel. As far as the rest goes, brief notes telling me what topic was discussed in therapy are all I remember from the day.

So much to discuss, so little time. I feel like I’m doing everything I can. I have even told my therapists which topics I will try to ‘crawfish’ out of because of the uncomfortability. I write on this blog because everyone one of us deserves to be heard fully for once. Hopefully, better days ahead.


#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Out Of The Darkness, Into The Light

Out of the Darkness, Into the Light Part 1

1.1.2015

 “Dissociative parts of the personality are not actually separate identities or 
personalities in one body, but rather parts of a single individual that are not yet 
functioning together in a smooth, coordinated, flexible way. P14” 
― Suzette Boon

Since this begins a new year, I thought I would start it off with a ‘boom’ of reality from our world.  The topic that I will discuss is one that has such stigma attached to it that it’s has taken me months to muster the guts to discuss it.  This is a topic that hits home in the best/worst kind of way.  I’ve written for months now explaining some of the many symptoms that I experience mostly on a daily basis.  2014 was no doubt one of the most difficult for me, Mel and Marshall.  However, we as a family including my brother have shed tears together, as well as, have a lot of laughter. I have also smoked a ton of medical marijuana just to be able to live day to day.

I figured that a few months ago when I ‘came out’ out as a medical marijuana consumer, the thought crossed my mind that even though people can be cruel when it comes to mental illness, that since this blog is about MY healing I would ‘come out’ about my particular illness.  Many have read my blog since day one and for that I thank you.  I would also like to say that while reading this particular post that you just keep an open mind.  I’m not going to try to change your opinions or perceptions of mental illness.  I’m simply going to try and paint you a picture of mine to the best of my ability.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).  Now for those with no therapy background, I can tell you that this is the same thing as Multiple Personality Disorder.  And now your opinions and thoughts begin to race. The only references that most of you have are those of the books/movies The Three Faces of Eve and Sybil.  Hollywood did a horrible job painting a picture of what those of us with this disorder look like and how we function on a daily basis.  Guess what?  I’m still the same Dana that you grew up with and loved.  I just have a world that has formed inside my brain that I didn’t realize everyone didn’t have.  I didn’t question it because to me that has been my normal.  Does this diagnosis make me ‘crazy?’ Should it make you fear for your family’s life if I happen to be around? Does this make you want to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction?  I can promise you that all of that energy would be wasted.

The symptoms that I have mentioned in other posts are all true and are a part of daily life for me.  I can’t tell you what it’s like living with a spouse with this particular disorder because only my wife can answer that.   I can tell you that it’s the most intricate puzzle I’ve ever had to try and figure out.  Having only had this correct diagnosis for almost 1.5 years we, as a family, have had to adjust.  We were already adjusting prior to Marshall being born.  His birth somehow set off a bomb inside my brain that retriggered everything that has happened to me.  Not his fault or mine, just our reality.

With both my wife and I having Master’s Degrees in Counseling, we were baffled when we never even considered this diagnosis as one that would fit.  Even in graduate school, because of limited time to study the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders we didn’t see the signs.  If you want to know why we had limited time to study on this manual, just take a look at it one time and you’ll see that it could take years to be taught thoroughly and it’s like computers changing all the time.  This diagnosis is still part of a great debate about whether or not it’s an actual diagnosis. I can’t answer for other families but for our family it’s very much a REAL diagnosis.

Some people have, in fact, asked Mel if she felt safe around me with Marshall.  The answer is always the same….yes.  There’s a lot of self education we’ve had to do because of the stigma within the mental health communities, as well as, those outside that community.  We don’t have all the answers yet to how and why and neither does science. I can tell you that the very slow journey of recovery from a lifetime of trauma actually began when the correct diagnosis was given.  Now I finally had answers to why sometimes I would answer myself and had what I thought were ‘loud’ thoughts.

To see me today, I’m the same goofy ass, class clown that was and still is friends with Levi Pierce.  I have scars on my arms.  It’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s how I survived.  You don’t have to be afraid to have your kids around me. I’m not going to cook them and eat them.

DID, as I’ll refer to the diagnosis from now on, is not near as scary as the picture that has been painted.  Does it have scary moments? Of course.  So does Bipolar, Major Depression, Schizophrenia and any other disorder.  This disorder requires a very patient and understanding spouse, as well as, professionals to be able to deal with some unpleasant moments.

The title of my blog “This Puzzled Life” is all about putting these scary pieces back together enough for me to be able to enjoy doing what I love…..helping people.  Once piece at a time is how I’ll learn to live with this disorder.  Trial and error is how it’s been for almost 1.5 years now with the correct diagnosis.  Prior to the correct diagnosis it was and still is at times a total nightmare.  Also, life continues regardless if I have a disorder or not.  Friends and family still pass away which can complicate things.  But, this too, is just the way life operates.

 With very patient but firm therapists, I’m finally being able to look very closely at some of the horrors.  The ‘alters’ or other personalities, if you so wish to call them, have their own story because they were created by the mind at very key times in the abusive history.  Alters together are called a ‘system.’  Each ‘alter’ has his/her own function within the system.   Each person with DID has a system much like that of a finger print.  Not every therapy works the same like a cookie cutter.  Do not be afraid to ask what you don’t understand.  Your fears come from what you don’t understand.

“DID is about SURVIVAL.  As more people begin to appreciate this concept, individuals with DID will start to feel less as though they have to hide the shame.”

–Anonymous

There are also no psychotropic meds that are specifically designed for this disorder.  This also explains why for the first 3 years of seeing a psychiatrist none of the meds worked for an extended period of time.  Some antidepressants, anti-psychotics, axiolitics work well for some alters and not for other alters.  I was taking Parkinson’s medications for the side effects of other medications while feeling horrible from the side effects.  So, that represents toxicity to me.  My psychiatrist offered as a last resort the state’s Medical Marijuana Program because of all the mood swings, PTSD, hallucinations and every other symptom I would have at that time.  Now believe what you want about medical marijuana, but I can personally tell you that that medication as it is so treated, is one of the reasons my wife, son, friends and family still have someone they love living.  The memories of the trauma alone are more than I can handle.  The effects of PTSD steal your sanity one image, smell, thought or sound at a time. The body memories while very painful become a little more tolerable with the marijuana and acupuncture.

This is why I’m also so big on people recognizing and working on their own trauma.  That way people like me who set out to enjoy life don’t have to wait 40+ years to understand what that means.  I’m representative of people who were too proud or stubborn to face their own demons.  This too was not a “choice.”  I understand the concept of ‘free will.’ Where was my free will?  That’s right, there was none.

People from all walks of life have this diagnosis but go on for years with the wrong diagnosis because so much can mimic other diagnoses.  There are also those still that live with this diagnosis and are very successful members of society.  The trauma didn’t just occur overnight.  It’s has happened my whole life so, the process won’t resolve itself overnight.  There is a lot of painful elbow grease that has to be put into this recovery.  The point is to keep putting one foot in front the other.  I’ve never backed down from a fight and won’t start now.  You just can’t take the athlete out of me.

I will take you through the victories and the setbacks of this journey.  Hopefully, I’ll help educate you while also healing me.  The only thing I ask is keep an open mind.

#Thispuzzled

darnold1975

Illusions of Halloween

Illusions of Halloween

10.21.14

“The moment of betrayal is the worst, the moment that you know beyond any doubt that you’ve been betrayed:  that some other human being has wished you that much evil.”

—-Margaret Atwood,  The Empathy Trap book page

These last several months has left me both mentally and physically drained to a low that I have never experienced.  Sometimes I have wondered if the universe is trying to point out something that I just can’t seem to see or understand.  The stress alone has left me 40 lbs lighter.  No complaints from me about that.  I think both me and my wife have felt every emotion possible at its highest intensity.  Have I allowed myself to do too much at times? Undeniably, yes.  Have I neglected my own needs psychologically, physically, mentally and emotionally?  Indeed I have.  Do I regret it? Not one minute of it.  I don’t feel compelled or obligated.  I am who I am. And I do what I do out of love for other people.

I’ve been told over the last few months, “No one ever said you had to do it or you weren’t asked to do it.”  My response has always been, “Why should I have to be asked to do something for someone that’s just the right thing to do?”  I don’t feel that I deserve any pats-on-the-back or high fives for simply taking some time to comfort someone in need.  Should I do this more in moderation?  Yes of course.  But, I know only one way to be a friend…..110% at all times when possible.

I’ve tried to figure this entire struggle lately with very few satisfying answers.  The only things I have become “one” with are my own tears.  I think that whatever emotional block that I had been struggling with prior to going back south for a visit has certainly been remedied.  I have emerged someone different and even more confused.  How do I deal with my own trauma like I need to while continuing to be supportive to those in need?  Well, right now, I don’t have those answers.  I just know that promises were made to both friends and family that I would stand by and support them in any way possible.  And since I don’t know how to turn my back on people, I’ll continue to be there for them while also trying to find my balance.

This time of year has many unpleasant anniversaries and memories associated with it.  I have always loved the fall and Halloween.  This year the familiar smells in the air are enough to turn my stomach.  I normally would be hunting for the best haunted house, haunted barn, haunted corn maze or anything that I was hopefully to get a good scare from in the region.  However, at this point in my life, there are very few days that are fun and enjoyable.  All I can seem to attribute this lack of contentment to is just where I am on my path of healing.  The word “trust” is one that has become again a word that is attached to the word “fear.”

Just this past weekend, our family went to McCall’s Pumpkin Patch in Moriarty, NM that we have been going to since before Marshall was born.  It has always been a place where my “inner child” comes alive and enjoys having fun.  Since Marshall was born, we always take this time to have fun taking fall pictures of him.  This year was different.  I was very apprehensive about all the people that would be there and just the thought of going scared the absolute shit out of me.  I didn’t totally understand but I think back to the sacrifices that my parents always made to attend all of my many softball/basketball games.  Instantly, I put on a smile and thought, “I, too, must do this for our son.”

Mel had all medications ready just in case.  And I will also add that I was medicated before we even left the house.  Secretly, my goal was to get through this as quickly as possible and get back home to my place of “safety.”  I must admit that seeing our son having such a good time brought joy to my heart.  The fear that I had from just being there was beginning to make me nauseous.  I sipped on my medical marijuana shooter to try and help combat all of the anxiety and nausea that was beginning from somewhere deep in my soul.  Something was beginning but what and why?  I knew that part of it had to do with being around so many people that was for sure.  I knew, though, that there was something more painful attached to this reaction, but what?  Halloween had always been something fun for me or had it?  I tried to ignore everything as best I could for the sake of Marshall and Mel to have an enjoyable day.

The last thing we always do before leaving is the hay ride.  However, after being around what seemed like ½ of the total population of New Mexico, I was done.  I told them to go ahead  and I would just wait under a covered area where a lot of families were eating and taking a break from the activities.  Never going anywhere in public without my IPod, I sit at a table and try to do some deep breathing and try and enjoy some music until they got finished.  Apparently, I was seen as an easy target to squeeze out because a rather large family decided that they would occupy the rest of the space at the table.  So, I politely got my shit and left them with the damn table.  I would like to interject that there is not a whole lot that I miss about where I was raised.  The common courtesy of simply asking if it was ok to sit there was something that I truly missed at that exact moment.  I would’ve gotten up anyway but, you know, the whole “principle” of the matter thing.  Anyway, I find a place on a hay bale and sit there in eager anticipation for the return of the pumpkin hunters.   I soon realize that I’m not able to keep an eye on everything but this time I’m alone.  My mind begins to panic and all I can think is, “Get me out of here NOW!”  Then the flashes of images that I can’t seem to connect with begin.  Really?  All I knew was that I was terrified.  The nausea sets in and I keep swallowing to prevent the ultimate embarrassment of vomiting in public.  I was scared and alone and that was all I could comprehend.  I felt like at any moment someone was going to do something horrible to me.  I just didn’t feel protected.  My deep breathing quickly became like a dog panting.  My eyes searched the area like a tiger looking for a meal.  And then…….I’m in the truck almost back in ABQ not remembering if something had happened.  I had a really bad headache and tried to put the pieces together and couldn’t.  Yea…..Happy Halloween.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Winners

Winners

8.14.14

“It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.”
-Muhammad Ali

Today is one of those days where I regret being able to open my eyes.  I rolled out of bed this morning and felt like I had been at war all night.  My body feels like I’m detoxing from a chemical that I haven’t taken.  And it’s already begun happening at 6:00am.  I feel the overwhelming sense of sadness mixed with anxiety.  The nausea is hitting like a gulf coast wave from Hurricane Katrina.  I feel that overwhelming sense of needing to vomit.  Halleluer! I must not have eaten before I went to bed last night! I didn’t see any remnants of anything.  So, I grab my cannabis wax pen and take a couple of hits off it to settle my entire system down.  This has also helped to combat a horrible headache that was beginning to hit like a thousand hammers.  Then the diarrhea hits like some kind of ‘shock and awe’ attack on Iraq.  How soon until I have another acupuncture session?

I’m actually catching a break from these symptoms right now.  The medical marijuana is just like any other medication, it too has its limits.  However, the combination between both mmj and acupuncture and a drastic slow down in therapy seems to be slowing everything but my mind.  What was started about a month ago and was exacerbated when we traveled home has continued to plague every inch of my mind.  This blog, no doubt, is an exit for both frustration and education on certain topics.  But, for now, certain things must be kept hidden to ensure safety on several different levels.

Am I just trying to have a “poor, pitful me” moment today? Hell no! You’re just getting a ‘firsthand’ look at what some people’s days are like.   Like I’ve said before, “writing about these topics on my own abuse has had numerous effects on me both mentally and physically.”  Yes, I realize that I had an awesome life up next to others who have had some horrific things happen in their own lives.  I’m not going to compare stories because this blog is not about minimizing anyone’s personal traumas.  Have I cried about feeling so guilty about being upset over seemingly insignificant things? Absolutely!  But, the fact is that things did happen.  I’ve held that shame and guilt so long that my mind and body feels like I’m melting.  And I’ve stuffed and stuffed feelings for so long that I’m not only nervous….I’m terrified to work with them.

The “special” people helping to guide me through this process must either be angels from God or “gluttons for punishment.”  LMAO!!!  I feel like I’m really just beginning this treatment even though, I’ve been in therapy for a few years now.  I just don’t have the ability to keep my defenses up like I use to.

As an athlete, “YOU NEVER GIVE UP!” You play until you hear the whistle blow.  This drive is not one that can be taught. You must be born with a love for the game and the athletic ability to become the best ballplayer you can become.  I got my softball playing nickname ‘Charlie Hustle’ from one of my earliest and dearest coaches assigned to me by Nick Kolinksy.  He always told me that I played a lot like Pete Rose and never gave up.  I smile every time I remember as a kid playing ball for him and always feeling a sense of ‘safety’ around him.  He would tell me sometimes, “Dana, that was a $100 catch and a .10 throw.”  He made his point very clear but didn’t crush my self esteem as a ballplayer or as a person in the process. He and other coaches are on my list of ‘special’ people that had a dramatic and positive impact on my life from a very early age.  I never complained about going to practice or games.  That was a way out for me.  Playing ball was my life.  Pete Rose said it the best way that I know how to describe the love that I had for the game.  

“I’d walk through hell in a gasoline suit to play baseball.”

—Pete Rose

Occasionally, that old, washed up athlete comes alive in me again with reminders about how “putting one foot in front of the other is still considered progress.” I get caught up a lot on what the definition of ‘progress’ or ‘winning’ is about in regards to therapy.  Sometimes, the best I can do for that day is just get out of the bed.  Even doing that means that I made progress because one foot had to be put in front of another foot for that to be accomplished.

Sometimes people ask me what it’s like to process trauma.  To me it’s all about going to war, except this time, I know what I’ll be faced with.  I have survived it once so, it can be done. Do I have the strength? That remains to be seen.  I relive everything all day everyday anyway. What makes this situation different?  I have actively made a choice to volunteer to go through it again.  The fear can make me angry, frustrated and paralyze me at times.  I must admit that it’s very unfair to be almost 40 years old and still paralyzed in many ways by what others have done.  I can hear some of the old, southern biddies saying, “She made her bed, now, she can lie in it.” And that’s fine, if that’s your reality.  My reality is this….”I don’t care what the circumstances were…No one deserves to be abused in any way….EVER!  My ex-husband, teacher, baby sitters and birth mom didn’t deserve the abuse that they suffered at the hands of their family and people they trusted.  When the effects of the abuse begin affecting them then, the new generation of abuse is born and is taken out on other people who become their victims just like I did.”

This time….”I WILL NOT ONLY SURVIVE, I WILL WIN!”

#thispuzzledlife

 

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Family Day

Family Day

9.8.14

“Some people’s lives seem to flow in a narrative; mine had many stops and starts. That’s what trauma does. It interrupts the plot. You can’t process it because it doesn’t fit with what came before or what comes afterwards.” 
― Jessica Stern 

And then you have a random day where everything seems wonderful.  I’ve been in public without getting sick.  I’ve stopped and talked to a friend and laughed.  I’m only dealing with minimal physical ailments this morning.  Maybe the weed, klonopin, Valium and ativan are working.  I’m not asking questions. I’m just going to enjoy the ride.  Reality will be back soon enough.  At least I’m not sick despite all of the medication.

I wish I had had the break from some of the side effects from when we went and took pictures on Sunday.  I was all dosed up and ready to face the people and overstimulation of my brain.  The plan was to take Marshall to the botanical gardens and let him ride the choo-choo.  Off our little family goes to find the choo-choo.  Did I mention that I had been dosed with a good bit of meds before I left the house?  I vaped on my wax pen all the way to our destination at the Botanical Gardens.

Everything was going fine. Marshall was enjoying running around being a kid.  Mel was…well….being a mixture of a professional photographer and a mommy.   Today was going to be the day that Marshall and I had “mommy/son pictures.”   Other families were there having picnics and just enjoying a nice, cool Sunday late morning and taking in the scenery.  The people were spread out so, at least, I wouldn’t have to worry about them touching me.  I had my wax pen ready, my sunshades to hide my life full of shame and my IPod ready to face any type of external or internal stimulation.

Marshall was showing me things and asking, “Bite you?” So, our conversation was typically, “No, baby, flowers don’t bite.”  Then he sees the koi pond. The koi have instantly become sharks.  He starts shouting to get our attention, “Sharks, Sharks!” Yep, this momma was proud that our son knows the difference between a fish and a shark.  I look behind me thinking because I thought I heard someone call my name.  It was a seemingly peaceful pathway filled with small trees, bushes and ground covering.   “Here we go,” I thought but not knowing why.  I notice my stomach getting a little nauseated but took a couple of vapes off my pen and hoped that the feeling would go away.  I soon noticed that my jaw began hurting. The muscles in my body began cramping. The nausea became stronger.  I told Mel that I was going to sit down a few minutes to rest, but really hoping that I just didn’t throw up.

 The longer I sat there, the worse I felt.  As a tear, dropped from my eye underneath the sunshades and shaky voice, I told Mel we needed to go home.  An unimaginable fear I must’ve been ‘triggered’ but I hadn’t realized it. Then, the headache hit.  Not as bad as the one last week, when I had acupuncture where I never remembered the visit, but plenty bad enough to feel miserable.

Once again, my physical symptoms have messed up another family outing. And soon the shame and guilt hit me like a “tornado propelled bumble bee.”  I had no warning but thought it was probably in the lineup somewhere.  I felt like collapsing from just sheer embarrassment, even though, people around me didn’t seem to notice. I just sat down again and tried to wait for the feeling to pass. After several minutes, I decided no more waiting and listening to music. I suddenly had to GET THE HELL AWAY FROM WHERE I CURRENTLY WAS!  Something still seemed to scare me, but I didn’t know what.

I tried to remember what we were doing, and what had just happened to cause such a scare.  I couldn’t remember what I had said, done or thought. All I could do was hope that ‘it’ was over soon.

MY wife, being the very understanding person she is, told me everything was ok and we could come back another day.  The disappointment laid somewhere deep within me, not her.  She had no idea the level of disappointment I was experiencing.  Everything was fine and now it wasn’t.  Marshall didn’t seem to notice and neither did the people passing by. So, now I act like everything is fine, right?  I stood up and the familiar feeling hit me but this time it scared me. My body didn’t feel like I could control itself but I was moving.  It was as if I was watching this awkwardly walking human being that I didn’t recognize. ‘Things’ just weren’t ok for some reason.

We were still able to get some good pictures of me and Marshall.  But, the disgrace of the signs and symptoms of disorders can be embarrassing even if other people don’t seem to see them.  Some things can’t be hidden.  Some things have been hidden for years and are now noticeable.  I just wanted to get back to my ‘familiar’ surroundings….HOME!

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Fears And Anxieties

Fears and Anxieties

August 4, 2014

“Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears.”

—-Rudyard Kipling

Most people who know me would say that I’m very much a “social butterfly.” I loved being around people. Hell, my motto has always been..”The more, the merrier.” These days I would rather have my uterus pulled through my nostrils than to be around people. Being on the opposite side of the country from where my abuse occurred definitely helps.  Regardless of whether or not they are “rational or irrational” they are still fears that I face every single day. Some of the fears and/or phobias, I haven’t had to deal with in a very long time. Not all of the fears do I know the origin? That, I suppose, is what is happening through this therapeutic process.

So, on our latest trip to the small, southern town everything that had already been opened was immediately exacerbated by being back in the town where the abuse occurred. Our little family, drove back there in search of some specialized treatment. I was nervous, but desperate……so I agreed. What I encountered when I arrived was a host of feelings and emotions that I couldn’t handle. Even the thought of going back to that town can trigger lots of anxiety, nausea, vomiting and migraines.  Being there in the flesh, I’ve realized causes more harm than good.  We are considered a “minority family” and I have always expected the looks and comments when we go out in public.  I also wear a haircut that’s not considered “normal” there. So, this also brings about stares and comments.  Remember, that with PTSD, situations can be perceived as a threat even when there isn’t one. For me, being in public and around people is like lighting my skin, mind and body on fire. I can’t possibly keep an eye on everyone and their actions to assure “safety” for both me and my friends and family.

IMG_1216 (1)

When I was married to my ex-husband, the how I ate and what I ate always came under great scrutiny. So, many times, I would wait until he would go to bed and eat what I wanted. My greatest fear was that he would see me eating and make his venomous comments again. My weight was always monitored in some way by him. So, going back to visit has very, much intensified my fears of eating. I don’t like eating in front of people I know for fear of judgmental comments or thoughts. These fears are what fueled my eating disorder when I was a teenager. Eating in public, now only happens with shades on and Ipod going all while having just “medicated” before I even leave the house. That is the only way that makes being in public even possible, at this point.

Another thing that I have realized is a HUGE trigger for me is change. Keeping things the same in my surroundings is very safe feeling.  I hate it when I walk into an area that I’m very familiar with and it has been changed. This sets off “red flags” about my surroundings being different and thinking that I should be very concerned that something or someone might harm me. This is also why I do very well with a rigid schedule. If my schedule is going to change in any manner, I have to know ahead of time so, I can mentally prepare. I don’t, however, do well with rigid people. Once again, I’ve been perpetrated by very rigid/narcissistic people. Any hint of this from a person, sets off fireworks throughout my mind and body.

I told you earlier that music got me through a lot of abuse. And now, it’s helping me while I’m attempting to heal from the abuse. Music always spoke for and to me in a way that I can understand. My music choices are very eclectic and for a good reason.  If you’ve ever been around me much, you know that my moods are just as eclectic. Lmao!!!!

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Just Another Day

Just another day…

8.3.2014

“Long as you been living, you ain’t NEVER heard of anyone overdosin’ on marijuana. You might-a thought that he was dead. He ain’t dead. He gonna wake up in 30 minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. That’s the side effects: hungry, happy, sleepy.” That’s it.

—Katt Williams 

Yesterday was a difficult day. I have a lot of “social anxieties and phobias” these days among other things. Sometimes, I try to dismiss this notion and go with the “bright ideas” in my brain. Yea, didn’t work out so well yesterday either.  So, I said that I would reveal something new about me when I posted again. Let me clarify that this is “new” to this blog.

I am a “medical marijuana” patient.  While there are still mixed feelings about this particular “medication” and whether or not it’s an actual  “medication”, let me try to explain what it does for me. So, for the time being, just put all of your preconceived notions about cartels, societal issues, addiction and anything else that might interfere with you actually understand what it’s like to take this as a medication.

I must admit that when, I first encountered this topic with a client of mine at the time, I was very skeptical.  He spoke about the relief he got from this medication for chronic pain.  I was working at a methadone clinic when I met him.  Coming from a very conservative area of the country that is very 12-Step based on the topic of addiction, I too was very leery to say the least. I didn’t make a big deal about it because, I knew by that time, that every recovery model doesn’t fit every client. So, I kept my eyes and ears open about the topic of marijuana as a medication.

At the time, I was currently, carrying a diagnosis of Bipolar II and PTSD. So, the regimen at the time was counseling and Lithium among many other medications.  I was taking medications to counteract the side effects of other medications. I genuinely just felt bad from all of the side effects of everything. I soon developed lithium toxcity as a result of having no blood work done in 4 months of taking this medication. So, after hallucinating at work and looking and appearing that I had had a stroke, I was rushed to the local ER.  I was terrified! I couldn’t determine whether or not I  was hungry, if I had to use the bathroom; I couldn’t walk properly and had very slurred speech with facial drooping. My wife had to bathe me and take me to the bathroom because the effects were so severe. She was also 8 months pregnant at the time of these events. I soon lost my job because I couldn’t control the effects that was happening.

My psychiatrist continued until September of 2013 to try every combination known to man to help settle the emotional and physical stress that I was experiencing.  After 4 years of trying any and every medication combination and always seeing very minimal relief for a short period, he suggested medical marijuana (MMJ).  Being a recoverying drug addict, I was scared because of the lack of knowledge that I had about the plant and its benefits. my medications were already being dosed to me by my wife because sometimes I wouldn’t remember taking medications and would either take too much or none at all. Her dosing me was something we put into place early on due to my addiction history. So, really, this was going to be nothing different.  Luckily, New Mexico is one of the few states that recognize PTSD as a worthy diagnosis to receive such medication.

I do understand the argument that one can make the outcome of any study be biased in results.   I have  to go off personal experience and information from scholarly journals about different problem areas.  Some people think that PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is a disorder that is somewhat meant for soldiers that return from war or veterans.  No, I didn’t serve in the military.  But, trust me, I’ve been in a “war” the majority of my life.  These battles, I fought alone.

PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger. The areas of the brain that are affected are the amygdala and the pre-frontal cortex (http://www.nimh.nih.gov, 2014). PTSD from the many years of trauma have all but crippled me. I am in constant fear of any and everything. I have struggled a good part of my life with suicidal ideations and feelings of worthlessness. I have physical symptoms that can be debilitating every single day. I have flashbacks every single day. I have basically become a shell of the person that I was even in high school. Some days…I’m just lucky to get through the day without vomiting.

I have essentially “glazed” over the full extent of my life of trauma. Certain information will be reserved only for the professionals that work with me.  I am currently on a few typical medications, as well as, the MMJ because my physical symptoms or psychosomatic symptoms are so bad.  When you get to a point sometimes, it doesn’t matter what people suggest, you’ll try.

Since being on MMJ, I was able to return to feeling like I could get things accomplished during the day.  From who and what I used to be, I’m completely different in several ways.  Even 6 years of a college education, isn’t bigger than what was done to me and many others.  So, say what you want about “medical marijuana” but it keeps a bullet out of my mouth everyday so far.  Not every medication, even when it’s considered ‘alternative’, is used to just get high. i have been off the MMJ for several days at a time and there was no withdrawals either physical and/or psychological. My intention on trying to change your views on “medical marijuana” was never here.  I just wanted to let you know how just maybe this ‘evil drug’ has helped me.  Medical marijuana and “street” bought marijuana is completely different.  The  controls on what can and will be used on the plant in regards to chemicals is very heavily governed. Insurance doesn’t pay because politicians are still in bed with the pharmaceutical companies.  But, we can file what we pay in a year on taxes for medical purposes. Even so, it’s a small price to pay for me to be able to try and aid in helping me to learn to live life and to be able to watch our son grow up.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Tears Of A Clown

Tears of a Clown

9.7.14

“The role of a clown and a physician are the same – it’s to elevate the possible and to relieve suffering.”

—Patch Adams

This post is one that I need to write but also dread.  Why?  Because, I’m about to unmask the ‘clown’ that so many have known from both me and my brother, Levi Pierce.  I can’t describe what the last week or so has been like for both me and my little family.  I’ve been from one end of the spectrum of feelings and emotions to the other end.  My body feels like it has been in a war where I got my ass kicked from just the stress and trauma of the situations.  My heart feels like a shredded mess of suicidal rags. By the way, that was just a metaphor. Don’t get all excited about how I word things.  The subjects that I will be discussing are very emotional on every level.

There are very few people that can make me tear up just by hearing their name.  Levi Pierce, Melody Landrum-Arnold and Marshall Landrum-Arnold are three of the people that if I remove the mask and tell you from an emotional level how I feel, you’ll definitely see the tears streaming down my face.  It’s automatic.  I can’t stop it unless I switch back to talking about them from my head instead of my heart.  All three of these people hold very special places in my heart.  I also have a very deep love for all three individuals.

I’ve already told you what an abnormally normal and spiritual connection I have with my brother.  On the morning of August 28, 2014, Marshall and I woke up and were in our morning routine which includes calling Momma Mel.  So, when I called she told me that there was a message from Levi’s wife that he had been in an accident.  I briefly check facebook messenger to see if there was a message from her on my phone.  I didn’t see one from her but there was a message from his brother that said, “It’s about Levi please call.”  And instantly, my heart began to break and my soul began to die.  I had not called yet but I knew it was bad.

With tears streaming down my face as I write this, I was terrified to make that call.  I felt in my body and mind nothing but horror.  I finally picked up the phone and made the dreaded call to his wife.  She said that he had been in a bad motorcycle accident and that the right side of his face was crushed.  There was a possibility that because the eye socket was crushed that he could be blind in that eye.  He had a broken jaw and needed facial reconstruction.  They couldn’t do surgery because his blood pressure and other vitals wouldn’t stabilize. But, for the moment, he was alive.  She and I disconnected the phone call.  I did ask her to please keep me posted.

I call Mel at work and instantly fall apart.  I couldn’t think, breathe or feel anything except the pain similar to what I felt when my Nannie died.  She told me she would make arrangements to come home.  I said, “We’re heading to Arkansas because there was still a chance.”  All I hoped was that somehow he would at least wait for me to arrive to say goodbye since nothing was for sure.  I was utterly devastated already.

My wife and his wife are so understanding and respectful of the relationship that he and I have.  There’s never been even a hint of jealousy from either one.  Even though I’m very much a gay and he is very heterosexual, both of them know how very close of a relationship that we have a very special connection that they also see but can’t explain.  The subject of making the trip was never a question.  That’s just what we were going to do.  I began vomiting and tried to start packing.  I knew that I was walking but I couldn’t feel the ground.  I couldn’t even understand what I should put in the suitcase.  My “core” had just taken a heavy hit.

We end up leaving somewhere around 2 pm that afternoon.  I was smoking weed like a chain smoking cigarette junkie.  I was getting no relief from the physical pain.  And nothing was going to be able to touch my emotions now.  This is the part where Mel could’ve given me arsenic and I would’ve never known.  I was such an emotional mess that she gave me what only God knows really?  From what she’s told me, I slept the entire trip.  We arrived sometime around 3 am in the morning to the motel in Arkansas.  She said that I wanted to go then but she was exhausted too.  And yes, Marshall was with us.  I have no recollection of anything except arriving at the hospital on a mission to see my brother.

When we finally, find the floor where he was, I started making some mental notes about surroundings and people there.  I look off to the left and I recognize a face, it’s his dad after 20+ years.  I see a couple more people who look at me for just busting up in his room.  I see his wife, Charlene Pierce and his brother, Chris Pierce.  Mel was somewhere trailing close behind.  I don’t know if I even said hello before turning and finally making eye contact with him.  He still had not been able to go to surgery because of his vitals.  We both teared up and he says the most precious words that I could barely understand….”Hey, sis.”  I couldn’t help but be able to feel his fear for what he was about to face.  I cried for him, his wife and his family.  There were a lot of people in his room that I didn’t know.  But, I hugged him what I could and just held his hand and cried.  I wasn’t ‘snot crying’ then but I felt it creeping.  The nurse comes in, takes his vitals and says, “You’re vitals have returned to normal. We’ll get you ready for surgery.”  I can laugh about it now, but I think I was like, “What does that mean?”  Normally, I would have the best time with people who asked questions like that.  Today was different.  I couldn’t comprehend anything other than an all over fear that I had never felt.

Now, let me take just a second and let you know that I don’t take any credit for how his vitals were able to almost instantly return to normal.  All I know is that we have such a very powerful and spiritual relationship.  But, this time, I couldn’t get his back like when we were kids.  I just had to be there for he and his family.

At some point, the surgery technicians came to get him.  The staff were letting some of the family give him good luck wishes and kisses.  I took a moment and went outside the room to try and pull it all together.  Yea, that didn’t work.  His brother and I are a few of the last to see him.  He’s shaking all over and told me,  “I’m scared.”  I said, “Me too.”  I told him, “We’ve always shared the load for each other.  Let me take your fear and pain off your shoulders. I love you.”  He simply said, “You better be here when I get back.” That was one thing he need not worry about, I wasn’t going anywhere.  He wanted me to hold his hand and walk him down to surgery.  I kissed him on him forehead and told him that I loved him.  And that day you would’ve seen the “Tears of Two Clowns.”

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

The Simple Things

The Simple Things

8.24.17

“You know all that sympathy that you feel for an abused child who suffers without a good mom or dad to love and care for them? Well, they don’t stay children forever. No one magically becomes an adult the day they turn eighteen. Some people grow up sooner, many grow up later. Some never really do. But just remember that some people in this world are older versions of those same kids we cry for.” 
― Ashly Lorenzana

I must admit how very frustrated and tired of feeling so bad every single day.  Is all of the pain worth the alleged outcome?  I’m not trying to be just nasty and negative.  I have always doubted thinking that things could and would turn out good.  It has always been easier for me to be able to accept things better when I view things as having a bad outcome so, that I wasn’t disappointed from what I see as unrealistic expectations.  If things turn out good, well now, that’s just a bonus for the day.

Having never worked at this deep of a level processing trauma, I don’t really know what to expect.  However, I know what is happening physically and the answers for relief haven’t been found yet.  Acupuncture does work for a couple of days on most of my physical issues.  However, I’m looking to be able to have normal aches and pains from being close to age 40. Not protests from my body as a result of abuse.

I’m actually taking somewhat of a break from individual therapy for a few weeks.  Having the blog has been a good “out” for me.  However, no matter whether I’m processing on a deeper level with a therapist or just documenting my daily struggles through this life of mental illness, I wake up most mornings wondering when relief will arrive.  When will I feel as though, I’m strong like I use to be to seemingly be able to handle anything that came my way?

I have a very loving and caring wife.  I have the most awesome, sporadically psychotic toddler that between he and I we understand that we both “hung the moon” for each other by just existing.  I would love nothing more than to be able to fully accept and be able to “feel” love without questions and wondering about people and their intentions.  I would love to be able to be hugged by someone and not have the feeling like, “they have me now! Back away, back away! They’re going to hurt you!”  I would love to be able to except someone’s kindness and feel that I deserve someone being kind to me without feeling embarrassed and wanting to hide.

I’m not so calloused to think that everyone walking the planet is bad.  I’ve met some truly AWESOME people in my life.  There are some individuals that I’ve met here in Albuquerque, which I love dearly.  Relationships regardless of what kind of relationship they require work, trust and communication for them to be both healthy and rewarding.  I learned some hard lessons about being in a very “unhealthy” relationship that I continue each day to pay dearly as a result.

When do we as victims begin to metamorphosis into just another survivor with a story?  When do I and many other people get the “peace” that we deserve?  When is the high price that I’ve paid for many years for decisions I’ve made finally reach the part where “enough is enough?” When, where and how do I get to reap the goodness from the universe for always pushing myself to be the best I can be?

Some days are more difficult than others to experience for everyone.  But, imagine this……..

“The same daily struggles that most families have.  Except that when you open your eyes, you have visions of being touched inappropriately to the point that you seem to feel it. Voices telling you, “you’ll never be anything without me!”; “I would’ve given you away too!” “You’re a nasty little girl!”  Visions and sensations of things you were made to do and did not choose to do.  Being able to take your child to daycare and return home without feeling like someone is following you. I just want to be to able to go in public without the use of both typical and alternative medicine just to keep from vomiting because of anxiety.  Or just being able to give and experience a “genuine love” from your soul mate.

All I wish for everyday is to be happy.  I would venture to say that most people want that as well.  Instead, I live in both physical and mental misery.  I see, hear, smell and fear things from my past all the time.   I have always believed that someone or something else that I couldn’t see was there for the events.  But, having a very minority view of these events, I DON’T believe that God was there.  Someone was for sure, but it wasn’t GOD!

Some people might say, “What are you griping about? You have weed legally now.”  I wish I could say that medical marijuana is a “cure all” for abuse.  What it does is help to minimize symptoms compared to what they can be without it?  That gracious plant can’t take away what a human has done.  It can, however, slow things down where they aren’t as frightening and allow me some form of respite.

It’s a very lonely world to live in on the inside.  Life on the outside is one world.  But, life on the inside…….It’s a different galaxy!

 

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Balance

Balance

8.22.14

“PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human

 event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions.” 

― Susan Pease Banitt

I always like to start things off very light because some of the subject matter can be difficult.  So, being one of two mothers to a toddler boy age 2.5 years can be quite funny at times.  For instance, Marshall has this new thing about wanting us to read his books before he goes to bed.  No big deal, right?  But, now he wants to read them back to us.  The other night I was the chosen parent to listen to him telling a story about a truck.  Story goes like this……”Vrrrrroooommm Vrrrrooommm a mess, bath, clean…the end!” I couldn’t help but to laugh and tell him, “That was such a good story.” His response was , “Truck dirty.”

We have also realized all of his creative ways to manipulate his mommies when it’s time for bed.  The other night Marshall convinced my wife, Melody, to do a full and complete room check for monsters.  I mean, if you think about it, what kind of price would Ghostbusters charge for a service like that?  Nevertheless, eventually, he ended up in the bed between his moms.

In the morning, I have one of his feet on the side of my head.  Apparently, he’s going to be a soccer player because I must’ve taken kidney shots from him all night.  But, what made me chuckle was that he was lying across our pillows at the top of the bed.  I think Melody is in a coma from pure exhaustion from having to hang on to the 3 inches that Marshall allowed her to use as her bed for the night.  I was laying face down in what seemed like a weave that belonged to a cat right next to the concrete wall.  I start sneezing like I had just snorted some kind of deadly allergen.

Kids are so innocent. They understand what is in front of them and don’t worry about tomorrow.  They call it like they see it until they are conditioned by parents, friends or society to try and conform otherwise. That’s where my job comes in for him as his parent.  I worry about things all the time concerning him.

I have said that I was going to take a break from blogging because of my physical symptoms.  But, mentally, I have to be able to process somehow.  So, I’ll do the best I can.

Yesterday started off with me all excited to blog and do therapy assignments.  One of the assignments, I knew would be difficult.   Blogging has always seemed to be what I need for now. I took all kinds of medicine and smoked some as well.  All day long, I would change my treatment approach to help defeat the “Atomic Migraine” that was forming.  I already didn’t feel good but I finished most of both assignments.  My wife reminds me that she has an acupuncture appointment later that day.  No worries, I’ll get Marshall from daycare.  A few hours when she got home, I couldn’t close my eyes or try to walk without feeling nauseous.  I begin to think, “Maybe both activities were too much for me today.” I take stronger medicine and begin to smoke wax and keif for something stronger for the nausea and headache.  Anxiety meds were added as well because my back hurt so bad.   I tried to walk but looked like I had just left a bar that I had been at for several hours.  The right side of my head felt like it was on fire and boiling. When I get severe headaches like that, sometimes I exhibit neurological issues. My brain basically turned off once we got in the truck headed to her acupuncture appointment.  She actually let me take her appointment because I was so sick.  After about two hours of treatment, I was able to walk more normally again. I was still shaky but much better.  Most of the rest of the evening was and still is a blur.

So, I don’t know what my exactly my “balance” looks like or is going to feel like.  But, I that’s what I keep striving to find.  Life is about “Balance.” Right now….well….balance is like a word from another language that I can’t have translated or understand.  Even my best day is a struggle.

Carpe Diem

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

More Traveling

More Traveling

8.19.14

“She was a stranger in her own life, a tourist in her own body.” 
― Melissa de la Cruz, The Van Alen Legacy

I always feel the need to speak about toddler events in the mornings because well…..sometimes they’re just funny.  So, I was doing the usual getting Marshall ready for school and loaded in the car.  I asked him if he would like some cheetos since that’s what we had in the car for him as a snack.  He shook his head and said, “Momma D, no cheetos…only toes!” “Ok, Marshall, mommy will only call them ‘toes’ from now on.”  Sometimes this kid makes me really laugh.

The term “traveling” has a much different definition to me than the general public seems to understand.   When “traveling, “I’m definitely anywhere I want to be.  I could be on the beach somewhere enjoying the sun or checking out the lesbian buffet.  Every place can be new or one that seems to bring much emotional comfort.  However, sometimes the memories of abuse invade and I to go elsewhere without even knowing it.  To the average person, a function such as this doesn’t seem that different from seemingly “ignoring” the spouse or a boss.  Everyone at some point wishes they were somewhere different especially when at work or just needing a vacation.  Most people don’t use this as a defense mechanism but rather just ‘daydreaming.’

As a child, throughout my molestation, I was mentally forced to be somewhere else.  I couldn’t possibly deal with things as they were.  Each time I knew of another “episode,” my mind would go elsewhere.  I had no idea that the ‘dissociation’ had occurred. I just knew that I couldn’t physically and mentally handle the situation at hand.  The specifics about the molestation are going to be left to my very brave therapists.

Over time, this natural and sometimes forced dissociation becomes second nature.  Just I like said in an earlier post about with PTSD symptoms happening when there is an actual or ‘perceived’ threat, this has now become an automatic type of coping mechanism.  Since, I have apparently been doing this since very early childhood even without my knowing, this behavior has become a daily response to anything ‘perceived’ as threatening.  To put these ‘threats’ in perspective for you, I can give you examples of ‘perceived threats.’ Things such as: loud noises, too many people in one area, too much visual, tactile and auditory stimulation, social situations, being by myself, being touched by someone, hollering, bad weather, and many more situations.  As you can imagine, I have varying reactions to therapy because I’m processing everything that happened on different levels.  So, seeing me as the person you know is completely different from what and how they see me as a person.  I’m still the same person you know and grew up with if you see me.  You probably won’t know anything has ever happened or is wrong.  After all, we are taught from a very young age to keep things in the family even if the family doesn’t know.

Dealing with the trauma on such different levels, my therapists and wife get to see very unique sides of me.  Dissociation is very natural for me especially while in therapy.   Sometimes I can stop it and sometimes I can’t.  This can and does present problems in therapy at times, but we work through it and figure out what’s happening.  The goal is to try and minimize “traveling,” while getting use to not using it at all to function daily?  Is this possible?  Really, I don’t know.  I am trusting in the people that I work with to guide me through this healing process.  I have to admit that I wish there was some kind of ‘rapid’ trauma treatment that I can do while under sedation.  Almost like processing without being conscious of what is going on.  This, unfortunately, isn’t part of the process.  The part of the process I’m currently in is one of both mental and physical chaos.  I do the best that I can because that’s what I was taught by both my parents and coaches even when it’s scary as hell.

I write because everything else scares me to the point of vomiting.  I have lost 40lbs because of the stress on both me and my family.  I’m not currently restricting in regards to eating disorder behavior.  Even though, I definitely have a lot of “eating disorder” thoughts and some behaviors especially in public or with certain people.  But, I go sometimes for days without knowing that I haven’t eaten.  I have even overdosed on medication and had no idea until a couple of days later that this had occurred.  I go for minutes, hours, day and sometimes weeks with not knowing what has transpired.  I simply understand this as “traveling.”  Sometimes I have done things in that ‘state’ that I am and will continue to be embarrassed about. Things are said and done are like a game that I think people are playing with me to make me feel bad.  I have bought things, gone places, eaten, not eaten, had conversations, had arguments and have had ‘rage’ events that I have no memory of happening.

I carry a lot of guilt and shame once I understand days later what has happened.  Does this sound like a quality of life to you? My perpetrators have left a war for me to deal with everyday.  I simply try to win one battle at a time until the war is over.  Medical marijuana just helps with a lot of the horrible physical and mental symptoms that I have from all of this. It doesn’t take back anything that happened. I have to take a lot of this medication to be able to go out in public or therapy because everything’s so painful.  For those that think that ”a drug is a drug,” you’re right it’s just like insulin being used as a medicine.  And sorry my disordered behavior has nothing to do with marijuana except to keep both the public and me safe.   I have a quality of life now that I haven’t had before.  Not everyone uses this plant as a medication or recreationally within limits.  There are actually people who no longer think about suicide because they the government has made a medication legal that can also give them a quality of life that they never saw possible. There are a lot more people that use and die from prescribed medications that the trusted doctors administer.  Please educate yourself on this, someone you know might can and could benefit from this plant one day.  It just might be you!

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Back Again

Back Again

8.17.14

“Triggers are like little psychic explosions that crash through avoidance and bring the dissociated, avoided trauma suddenly, unexpectedly, back into consciousness.” 
― Carolyn Spring

I wake up this morning sadly realizing that the nightmare every day hasn’t ended.  This morning I wake up very startled that no one was in the bed with me.  “Oh Shit! I have to get up!  What if he’s already home from work?  Did I lay out anything for dinner?  Has he already fixed his dinner and is patiently waiting to berate me for sleeping? Why had I been sleeping?” Something is telling me that things are going to be bad when I walk into the den.  I’m instantly nauseated by the heavily approaching headache. Stomach cramps have begun to let me know of their existence.  I have to face this to figure out what has happened.

I stand up and my body feels “disconnected” but has a severe pain in my chest.  This feeling is surely to lead to total annihilation of my mind and body. With my “insides” beginning to shake with fear, I make the dreaded walk down the hall.  I notice nothing but the task before me.  Everything sounds like I’m in a cave.  I notice nothing but the familiar way that my body prepares for his emotional venom.  Just get ready to disappear! I say to myself.

I walk into the den where Melody and Marshall sat watching TV.  A sigh of relief hits my body when I realized that I must’ve been in a really bad dream.  It was a bad dream that happened several years ago.  My body seemed to somewhat relax as much as it could. The build-up of tension from my scare had already activated my autonomic nervous system.  ‘Shock and awe’ hit instantly.  I can tell that everything inside of me was all out of whack.

Just another day that started off with a flashback.  What did I do? I survived to be able to tell you about it. Trauma can manifest in many different ways. This way, unfortunately, is a frequent side effect of PTSD that I experience. Sometimes, it can manifest with pictures, sounds, etc. that can trigger a painful event.  There is the also, just as disturbing, the feeling of being in the situation right at that moment.

It is nighttime as I’m finally able to write about the event this morning. Mentally and physically, I have well……been somewhat of a ‘mess.’  That doesn’t mean lying around ‘snot crying’ all day. Sometimes one can bounce back from remembered event and not having anything more than a few feelings that they feel.  However, for me, I have very little memory of anything since it happened.  Had you been right here when it happened, you would’ve had no idea that I would be as affected as I was today.  I have been fighting severe anxiety all day with no success. I have smoked weed, taken all kinds of medicine with no relief.  I haven’t been that scared in a long time. Maybe all of my ‘insides’ just got upset and haven’t had enough time to settle down.

I have a thousand different thoughts that run through my head like it’s on a marquee and never stops.  This event has rocked my world today.  All I can say to any of my perpetrators is…..”THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!”

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Morning Monsters

Morning Monsters

8.15.14

“Your mind is your prison when you focus on your fear.”

—-Tim Fargo

I woke up this morning just feeling discombobulated for no reason that I can understand.  I know that my stomach hurts and I’m nervous to the point of almost being scared. I just have that deep and dark feeling that something bad is about to happen. I check the house for intruders with the toddler by my side thinking we are hunting for Scooby-Doo (doo-doo-doo toddler version). Everything seems safe but very unsettling. I found nothing in the house to signify any breach of “safety.”  Marshall, however, did find Scooby Doo in DVD format. So, I get the movie started and take my cannabis wax pen with me to the bathroom just in case I begin to vomit.  The buildup of tension has led to another early morning bout of ‘shock and awe.’

The one thing that I have begun to do is listen to what my body is saying.  This too is a relationship that includes work.  My body, seems to know, even though my mind doesn’t understand, that something feels very threatening.  I immediately, go to where my vaporizer is warming up and prepare to take my morning medicine.  Scooby-Doo, a superhero toddler and medical marijuana sounds like a good combination to settle what’s happening in my body.  After a few good vapes, I begin to feel my body and mind relax.

Ok, back to normal “mommy duties.” But, something still doesn’t feel ‘ok’ about this morning.

Anyway, said toddler grabs two “baby paws” full of fresh, cherry tomatoes from the garden bucket for a morning snack.  I’m thinking, “at least he’s going to eat something healthy for breakfast.”  I start getting dressed to take him to daycare and begin to revel in the moment of being by myself. I try to ignore the nauseating feeling creeping to a very uncomfortable level.  I switch to my wax pen which is much stronger concentration than what’s in my vaporizer. I take a couple of ‘hits’ and within a few minutes the nausea begins to subside.  In the meantime, Marshall has taken his paws full of ‘snacks’ and has begun shoving them ever so forcefully into a magnetic bottle opener on our refrigerator.  I now have seeds and tomato juice on everything. I cleaned it all up but not before he starts screaming like I just set him on fire.  Yes, what he wanted was to keep his squished cherry tomatoes, seeds and juice.  I then remember that Marshall is meeting textbook criteria for a diagnosis I call “Chronic, Intermittent Toddler Psychosis.” This disorder is often exhibited most often while out in public.  This is when everyone that is around now posts a new Facebook status about a crazed toddler. .  My first thought was, “Why didn’t we use protection?”  Next thought, “I hope like hell Comcast is working this morning and this child can watch Netflix.”  I look over to our modem and “Halleluer! The angels are singing in heaven! I have a signal!”  I find Scooby-Doo on Netflix and “Toddler Psychosis” appears to have forgotten about what activated the event.

I vape for a few more minutes just to make sure I don’t get sick while attempting to take him to school.  Something is still very unsettling from within.  I tell Marshall to come on so we can go to school. I begin turning off all the lights like I was so gently reminded, as a kid, about how ”leaving lights on costs money.”  Marshall meets me at the door with a truck in each paw along with his blanket, sippy cup and Scooby-Doo DVD case.  Telling him,” Scooby can stay here during the day was not working this morning.”  Picking my battles, we take everything he has gathered to the car.  I begin buckle him in and we head off to the daycare.

I begin backing out of my driveway, when I feel the ‘weight of the world’ hit my chest like a bullet in war. I sit there wondering if I was dying. My chest begins hurting to the point of tears.  I take a couple of vapes off my wax pen hoping for quick relief.  It takes a few minutes, but I now feel like I can get him to school. By the time, we start leaving the military base that we live on, I can feel the battle between the chest pains and mmj happening.  I start heading in the direction of his school which is only about 5 minutes away from the house.  The radio was playing some very familiar songs from my high school days and the seat heater was warm which seemed to be comforting.  OMG! I forgot that some schools have started back. The panic has started.

 ‘There are too many cars. Something is going to happen to you because you can’t keep an eye on all of the people on the road.  Everyone is looking at you.  Everyone is judging you.  You don’t know them, but they know you. If anyone steps out of line with a look or a comment…I’m ready! Be ready for any and everything! Please don’t say or do anything stupid!’

I drop Marshall off at school hoping no one notices how I feel on the inside. What would they think? Do, I look like I’m acting “normal?” So, I throw a few jokes and toddler stories out there for the employees to laugh at while I try to slide out the door without my emotions being detected.  I make it out to my vehicle where I just sit and breathe for a few seconds.  My body and mind feel like I’m on the run from a serial killer. I notice now that not only is my chest pounding. But, now my back hurts to the point that I feel as though I have been impaled with something.  My jaw hurts and the rest of my body feels like everything is cramping.

Brief insanity moment thinking: “Go to Wal-Mart and go shopping.” “Are you kidding? I just barely made it to the daycare to drop Marshall off and stayed alive!” I notice the vehicle going the opposite direction from Wal-Mart. My body feels like I have just been beaten with something.  I finally make it back home where all of the anxiety from getting out in public hits me.  I now have to have mmj and the toxins (regular medication) to attempt to gain control over my symptoms.  I realize that the symptoms from earlier are from the anticipation of going in public. You’ve just witnessed on both the inside and outside what point ‘social anxiety’ has its grasp has on me.  All of the physical and emotional symptoms are because of the trauma that I experienced from someone who made the choice not to work on their own trauma.

This is a process that has no time limit.  I have 30+ years of trauma to process.  Even while writing this, my body still has not reached its ‘normal balance’ after almost two hours since being home from taking Marshall to daycare. I got lucky that I didn’t have to really interact or be rubbed up against like being at a mall.  I don’t know about this process.  I usually have everything mapped out and I now feeling like I’m going in blind. And that scares me to my core. My childhood coach, Nick Kolinsky,  I mentioned in a previous day’s post told me about how a winner plays ball…..”Little things make big things happen!”  This is how, I’m trying to face this big challenge before me.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Trapped Trauma

Trapped Trauma

8.8.2014

“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”

― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

People who will read these posts are wondering about, “How I’m able to write about this trauma if I have such adverse effects?”  The truth is that, I’m able to discuss this because I’m talking completely from my head.  Emotionally, I have a very difficult time staying “grounded” around these topics. It’s the same concept as those that work in the emergency services field (EMTs, fire fighters, police).  And let’s not forget our soldiers that return from war.  I worked only for a year on an ambulance but saw enough to last a lifetime.  You operated solely helping with the gruesome scene before you.  Feelings must be put on the “back burner” in order to get the job done.

Once upon a time, a few years ago while in graduate school, I would do presentations to help explain/educate those going into the therapy field on the topic of “Self-Harm.”  I had to be able to give some background information in order for the students to grasp the concept of how this behavior can develop.  However, emotionally the topics, even more vague than I talk about here, would, at time have me vomiting by the end of the presentation.  So, I had to completely detach emotionally to be able to speak.

The problem is afterward………”What to do with all of the feelings?”  Everything emotionally gets stored and trapped unless properly released.  Within the animal kingdom, all prey animals go through the same thing we go through as humans.  Some of these symptoms include but definitely not limited to:  heart rate changes, immobilization state, shaking, trembling, shivering, temperature changes, breathing changes and more.  The animal then returns to a “normal” state of being and goes on about its business. We as human beings have a much more complex emotional, psychological and physical systems in operation on a day-to-day basis. However, if we could learn how to just ‘sit’ with these trauma responses, be able to release the results of this ‘normal’ type of physical and mental responses safely and fully. We could also just move on to the next task.  However, most people don’t know how to completely and safely release these ‘trapped’ feelings and emotions. Therefore, people either find and work with a therapist often many years after the event because their behavior becomes problematic in every aspect of their life.  Most people don’t realize that they’re actually looking to be able to have this release so that they are able to function more normally.  This state of unresolved trauma can be the underlying force that drives the elusive symptoms such as panic, depression, migraines, irritable bowel, ME, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and chronic pain.

Those that choose not to work on their issues can lead to an unfulfilled life never truly happy because of an event or series of events that could’ve happened 20+ years ago. And some well….they re-perpetrate another victim and the cycle continues.  This is where having a trusted therapist is very crucial. Releasing the trauma through both the mind and body is a very intimate area that most people aren’t allowed to know about much less hear how the trauma really affected us.  Often the additional re-experiencing that can come with therapy, can actually be more painful than the actual events.  For me, my body and mind can feel like I’m detoxing from some type of drug.  I wake up vomiting, diarrhea, body aches, sweating and emotionally a mess. Sometimes it can take until noon time for me to be able to somewhat function.

Because of my trauma, it takes me a long time of watching and interacting with someone to feel that comfortable to work with someone on that level. Remember….the times when I initially going through the trauma, I was either alone or made fun of for natural feelings for the situation. Therapy is one of those professions that have a very fine line between ethical and unethical behavior.  I know and totally respect this from having been in the field at one time.  However, without some type of human and/or animal connection……I, personally, cannot process.  I have to know and feel a ‘therapeutic’ relationship with the person or persons that I do this work with.  This is a very scary process for me to find those people that I feel that level of comfort being around.  Also, because they have the title as “therapist,” automatically my mind and body scream, “Harmful Authority Figure Ahead! You Will Get Hurt!” So, it has taken me over a year working with therapists every week for over a year watching EVERYTHING about them to determine whether or not they’re a “safe” people.  Even with determining that these people are “safe” people, showing an emotion besides anger often leaves me feeling embarrassed and shameful. Even the anger, leaves it’s on mark of shame on me.

These (psychosomatic) reactions wear both the mind and body down.  The medical marijuana actually helps me to be able to persevere through these reactions by helping with both the intensity of the flashbacks and pain. I also go to acupuncture every week which seems to, at least, help with some of the physical symptoms.  Not everyone is going to have the same reaction to processing or experiencing trauma.   Unfortunately, this is sometimes just part of the process.  It’s definitely a “marathon not a sprint.” I didn’t reach these extremes in behavior overnight. So, to even remotely think, that seeing a therapist and being able to resolve everything in a couple of weeks is a very unrealistic expectation that will set one up for failure.

The time in my life where I remember actually feeling truly “safe” in a relationship with someone outside of my parents is my wife, Melody Landrum-Arnold.  She has been nothing less than a ‘trooper’ while in this arduous process. This feeling of “safety” has also come with some complications. This will be explained later.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Hello world!

I initially started blogging about 5 years ago.  I’m originally from the deep south in Petal, MS.  It’s exactly half way between Gulfport, MS and Jackson, MS and just across the bridge from Hattiesburg, MS.  Petal has a population around 11,000 now but growing up as a small child and teenager there were significantly less people.  Small town USA complete with the noisiness, conservative politics, religion, strong beliefs, great food, respect taught through the generations, southern hospitality, friendly neighbors who are loyal as family, resilient, head strong and loyalties within a “good ole’ boy network.”  No more loyalties than any other small town I’m sure.  But this “loyalty” hurt me and changed the course of my life forever.

Me and my wife completed Master’s degree in Couseling and then moved to Albuquerque, NM to begin our careers and start a family.  But as life would have it, Mental Illness began to effect our hopes and dreams one day at a time. A few years later I would be diagnosed correctly….finally…with Dissociaitve Identity Disorder.  We would eventually have two little boys that we adore and make you want to keep going with things get difficult.

puzzlepieces2

My writing is about the struggles of living as an individual and LGBT family with a parent with severe mental illness. The sometimes the humor of it all and the often heartbreaking reality of the effects of abuse and mental illness on the indivial and family unit as a whole will keep those that struggle from feeling that you live on an island.  And the families will see that you can love someone with a mental illness without becoming a prisoner to their behaviors.  And maybe you will also see that the struggle for us as your family memeber have more struggles then what we let on at times.

Anyway, enjoy the laughs and tears with our family as they support me while I search for the puzzle pieces of an abusive life.  I will say this…I don’t sugar coat anything.  Sometimes my blogs can be graphic but abuse isn’t pretty.  I’m in the process of healing so topics are frequently repeated and attitudes change from positive to dark.  Either way, this is MY life and MY therapeutic journey towards healing.  Hold on because this ride is bumpy.

Hit the “Follow” button and watch us grow. I don’t write every day because my functionality can change on a dime.  I cover many different topics related to abuse and mental illness.  This blog builds so read from the beginning and see Where we were. Where we are now. And where we are going.  Happy Reading!

#thispuzzledlife