This Puzzled Life is a mental health and recovery blog exploring addiction, trauma healing, LGBTQ experiences, humor, and the strange moments that shape us.
“What cannot be communicated to the mother cannot be communicated to the self.”
-John Bowlby
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away.Some topics require us to slow down, breathe deeper, and open our hearts a little wider. Children of Addiction Awareness is one of those topics that are tender, urgent, and often hidden in plain sight. When we talk about addiction, the conversation usually centers on the person struggling. But in the quiet corners of those stories are children who carry the weight of what they cannot name.
They are not statistics. Not headlines. Not “someone else’s problem.” They are real kids. Real families. Real hearts trying to grow in soil that isn’t always steady. You don’t need a degree or special training to understand this. However, you just need to know this. When addiction lives in a home, children feel it in their bones. Even when they don’t have the words. Even when they pretend everything is fine.
Children growing up in homes affected by addiction often learn to read emotional weather patterns before they learn to read books. They become experts at sensing tension, anticipating conflict, and adjusting themselves to survive unpredictable environments.
They are the kids who:
Tiptoe around moods.
Become caretakers far too young.
Hide their fear behind perfection or silence.
Carry secrets that feel too heavy for their age.
Love their parents fiercely, even when life feels chaotic.
These children are not defined by the addiction around them. But they are shaped by it in ways that deserve understanding, compassion, and support.
Kids who grow up around addiction often learn to:
Stay quiet
Stay small
Stay out of the way
Stay “strong” even when they’re hurting
They become experts at reading moods, hiding feelings, and pretending everything is okay even when it’s not.
Growing up with addiction in the home can create emotional landscapes that are confusing and overwhelming. Many children experience:
Unpredictability: never knowing what version of a parent will appear.
Emotional neglect: not from lack of love, but from addiction’s consuming nature.
Role reversal: becoming the “adult” in the home.
Isolation: believing no one else lives this way.
Hypervigilance: always on alert for the next crisis.
And yet, these same children often develop extraordinary strengths: empathy, intuition, resilience, and emotional intelligence. They learn to survive in ways that would humble most adults.
But survival is different from thriving. Awareness is the bridge between the two. These children don’t need perfect parents. They don’t need someone to “fix” everything. They don’t need pity.
They need:
Consistency
Predictability
A safe adult who listens without judgment
Reassurance that none of this is their fault
Permission to feel their feelings — all of them
Sometimes the most healing words a child can hear are: “You didn’t cause this. You can’t control this. You are not alone.”
Whether you’re a teacher, neighbor, mentor, family member, or simply a caring human, you can make a meaningful difference.
Create safe spaces for conversation.
Model healthy coping skills.
Offer stability and routine.
Validate their emotions.
Connect them to supportive resources.
You don’t need a degree to change a child’s life. You just need to show up consistently, compassionately, and without judgment.
For the parents struggling with addiction, this conversation is not here to shame you. It’s here to remind you that healing is possible for you and for your child. Your effort matters. Your recovery matters. Your presence matters more than perfection ever could. Children don’t need flawless parents. They need honest ones. They need parents who try, who apologize, who grow, who keep coming back to love. Every step you take toward healing is a step toward breaking generational cycles.
Children of Addiction Awareness is not just a month, it’s a movement toward visibility, compassion, and collective responsibility. When we acknowledge these children, we give them language. When we give them language, we give them power. And when we give them power, we give them hope. So, take a breath and hold this truth close: Awareness opens the door. Connection keeps it open. Love walks a child through. Thanks for reading! Keep HOPE alive.
Affirmation: I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, but I can take care of myself.
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to tell you about what the girls have decided that their new year’s resolutions will be.
Copeland asked me one day, “Momma what are Coco, Tink and Piper’s new year’s revolutions?” Not really paying attention I asked, “What did you say?” He repeated, “What are Tink, Coco, and Piper’s New Year’s “Revolutions?” I start giggling. He said, “Why are you laughing?” I told him, “Baby boy, that’s New Year’s Resolutions not Revolutions.” To which he replied, “Can you please find out?” So, this story is my quest for answers.
Me: “Girls! Come here, please!”
Piper: “Coming momma!”
Coco: “Me too!”
Tink: “Me three!”
The sound of the jingling of the bell on their collars is always anticipated
Me: “Thank you, girls. So, brother Copeland wants me to ask you a question. He wants to know what your New Year’s “Revolutions” are?
Piper: “What’s that?”
Coco: “Momma, my revolutions are around the snack cart only?”
Tink: “You’re a dork. Momma, could you explain to me what that is?”
Me: “Well, it’s what you want to challenge yourself to do for the New Year.”
Coco: “That’s easy. I want to seize control over the world’s supply of catnip.”
Tink: “I want to learn how to fly and be a bird.”
Coco: “Omg! Was that a serious answer?”
Tink: “Hush it grumpy.”
Me: “Ok, Piper it’s your turn. Piper get still and be serious!”
Piper: “But momma, I’m just playing with the leftover bows and wrapping paper.”
Me: “You can do that in a minute. Your little brother wanted me to ask you about what you want to change for the new year. It’s called a New Year’s Resolution.”
Piper: “I want to enter an American Ninja Warrior competition.”
Me: “Piper, you’re too young.”
Piper: “Ummmm, ok. Well, how about taking more selfies?”
Me: “Let’s just say that maybe working on manners. And why do you want to take more selfies?”
Piper: “Because people think I’m cute!”
Me: “Fair enough little girl. Coco, do you have another resolution?”
Coco: “More catnip.”
Me: “Really? Like you couldn’t come up with another one?”
Coco: “I just do not want to be bothered and have my own personal supply of cookies, catnip, and lizards. You know I’m pretty much a professional at catching lizards.”
Me: “Yes. But only if you’re the only one in the room.”
Piper: “Yea, Coco. You need to share your lizards.”
Tink: “Momma, what are your New Year’s Resolutions?”
Me: “Probably, just authoring more stories about you all. I would also like to spend more time with your brothers. And I have a big surprise for this year.”
Coco, Tink and Piper: “Oh we like surprises. What is it?”
Me: “Well, it’s a surprise.”
Coco: “Momma, you can’t tell us that you have a surprise and then not tell us. It’s against the rules.”
Me: “Rules of what?”
Coco: “Well, I do live in the United States of Coco. And in the cat bible of instructions it’s specifically states, “You are not allowed to speak of surprises and not instantly tell us what it is. And that is found in 1 Coco 24:7.”
Me: “Big problem. I’m not a cat.”
Coco: “That’s right. I feel sorry for you. Because cats are the highest beings on earth.”
Me: “Have you ever seen me on 420? Because I would put that statement to the test. Ok. Does anyone have something else they need to say in this family meeting?”
Tink: “Well, momma, I would like to bite the big orange turd in the White House directly in his swollen cankles.”
Me: “I think most people in our country could agree on that. For right now though, let’s just work on becoming an even happier family.”
Piper: “But what about my brothers?”
Me: “Baby, your brothers will always be a part of our family.”
Affirmation: There is no one else in the world I would rather be.
Me: “Funny you should ask. It is called Christmas.”
Piper: “And what happens then?”
Me: “Well, it’s another holiday where we spend time together as a family. Except this time, we leave catnip and treats out for Kitty Claus.”
Piper: “What does Kitty Claus do?”
Me: “He brings toys and snacks to all the cats all over the world.”
Piper: “Whoa! How does he do all of that?”
Me: “Well, Kitty Claus has a sleigh that’s magically powered by catnip. And then while all the cats are sleeping, he comes to where they are and leaves out gifts. And then he goes to the next area. And we leave out snacks with some tuna juice out to make sure he doesn’t get too hungry.”
Piper: “Oh, momma. What a great idea! I just love Kitty Claus.”
Me: “But have you been good this year?”
Piper: “Momma, I have been the best. Coco hasn’t because she’s grouchy and has been smacking me ever since I had my surgery.”
Me: “Weren’t you around a lot of other animals?”
Piper: “Yes ma’am.”
Me: “When you come home and you smell funny, sometimes it scares other cats. Plus, you were definitely “bobbing and weaving.” And the smell of other animals stays in your fur for a while. And when you come home and start swatting things in the air that aren’t there it is kind of understandable. Don’t you think?
Piper: “You mean to tell me that I smell like a dog too?”
Me: “Ummmm….Yes you do!”
Coco: “Hello. I do have my own voice. Let me explain something little feline. I smelled the residue of a thermometer and those horrible dogs on you. Do you want to smell like those things?”
Piper: “Oh. I never want to smell like them. They are definitely the lesser of the animal species. And by the way, I was smelling colors and playing with butterflies.”
Tink: “Yea the ones that were not visible to the rest of us. But it’s ok. We did the same thing after our surgeries. It’s ok, kiddo. Coco is the oldest and, by far, the grouchiest.”
Piper: “I love you two. Ya’ll are the best! You teach me so many things. How are my manners?”
Coco: “There is always room for improvement.”
Tink: “Coming from the one who walks across momma in the mornings always putting her internal organs are risk? And the one who breaks into the tub where the cookies stay, and helps herself to a buffet?”
Me: “Ok girls. That’s enough. Everyone makes mistakes and Piper is still learning. But Coco, that does hurt when you walk across me in the mornings.”
Coco: “When I’m starving, my vision starts to become blurry. So, I need to be able to wake you up to feed me so that it doesn’t become permanent.”
Me: “Coco, you are not losing vision from being hungry. And I do not do things based on your inability to be patient.”
Tink: “Piper, you are doing better.”
Piper: “Thank you, Big Sissy. Momma, can we put out the yummies?”
Me: “Yes we can. And then ya’ll need to go to sleep so that Kitty Claus will bring your gifts.”
Coco: “Fine. But I need more cookies.”
Me: “Ok everyone needs to use the litter box and decide where they want to sleep.”
Tink: “I’m sleeping in front of the heater.”
Coco: “Oh me too.”
Piper: “Oh, I want to sleep in front of the heater too. Momma, come help me. I want to hurry and get into bed so that Kitty Clause brings my toys and snacks. Will you hold me while I go to sleep?”
Me: “The problem with that is that you will never get still. And then you just start chewing on my fingers.”
Piper: “That’s because they’re my binky.”
Me: “Well, don’t use my fingers as your binky. Go use the litter box.”
A few moments later
Piper: “Ok, momma. Wow! It looks great!”
Me: “Ok baby. Let’s go get in the recliner and I’ll hold you for a few minutes.”
Piper: “Yippee! Night big sissies!”
Coco and Tink: “Good night Piper.”
Piper took several minutes to gently lick and then chew my fingers while also being squirmy. I put her on her bed. All of the girls began taking their final baths for the day. And I watched videos on my phone. After several minutes, I looked up to find them all sound asleep. My family finally felt complete. Things get loud and crazy with the boys and the cats. But I smiled and realized, at that very moment, what Christmas was all about. It’s not about how much catnip and treats that you own. It’s about the type of unconditional love that can only come from some humans and all animals. And despite what the world might think, Coco, Tink, and Piper, love me no matter what.
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. This holiday season is Piper’s first. And I have never seen her so happy. She has played so hard with big sisters Coco and Tinkerbell. And I actually saw Coco, the self-assigned mayor of my house, grooming Piper so much that now Piper will randomly walk over to her and put her head down for a little touch up throughout the day. And she is very inquisitive about everything. Check out this conversation!
Piper: “Momma?”
Me: “Yes Piper.”
Piper: “I have so much fun when my brothers come to visit.”
Me: “I know. I do too.”
(I could see the wheels in her little feline brain turning.)
Piper: “Momma, do you know what my favorite time is?”
Me: “Tell me.”
Piper: “It’s when they go home. Those are the best naps ever.”
Me: “Well, little miss you better find some energy because it’s holiday season.”
Piper: “What was it called when we had food all day long?”
Me: “Ummmm…420?”
Piper: “What is that?”
Me: “That’s when we celebrate my “stinky” medicine.”
Piper: “No. It was not long ago.”
Me: “Thanksgiving?”
Piper: “What does that mean?”
Me: “Well, it’s supposed to be about giving thanks for blessings in your life. And spending time with family.”
Piper: “Well, I spent lots of time with my family.”
Me: “ We all love you too. And you were perfect for our family.”
Piper: “I’m thankful that I survived. And I now have my very own family.”
Me: “Awe, we love you too, Piper.”
Piper: “Yummy! What is that?”
Me: “Piper you can’t jump into my plate!!!”
Piper: “Why not? I just want to see it. Smell it. And lick it.”
Me: “Ma’am, you must learn some manners.”
Piper: “But it smells so good. And it makes me hungry.”
Me: “Piper, people do not like cats who are overly nosy especially when their eating.”
Piper: “But I’m just a baby kitty.”
Me: “Stop being cute, right now!”
Piper: “But momma, I can’t help it.”
Me: “I will give you a bite. But you have to wait until I’m ready.”
(Approximately 30 seconds goes by and she starts swatting at my hand.)
Me: “Piper stop trying to grab my food! and stay out of my drink!
Piper: “I’m trying to do Thanksgiving.”
Me: “Coco, Tink, come get your sister!”
(I soon hear jingling bells alerting me to there whereabouts.)
Coco: “On my way momma!”
Tink: “Me too!”
(They come running and gasp when they see me.)
Tink: “Piper, No!!!!”
Coco: “Holy Catnip! What are you doing?!”
Piper: “I just want a bite.”
Coco: “Get down here, Piper!”
Piper: “What now?!”
Coco: “First come here. Your catlick is all messed up.”
(Coco begins grooming Piper.)
Tink: “Piper, you cannot do that! Never ever jump in momma’s plate. She will give you a bite. But you can’t rush her because she’ll go crazy. Do you want to be sprayed with the water bottle?”
Piper: “Heck No!”
Tink: “Yea. We don’t like it either. We just stop doing what got us sprayed.”
Piper: “Oh ok. I’m just hungry.”
Tink: “If you stop, and sit there quiet like you’re supposed to that’s called manners.”
Piper: “Wow! How do you know all of that?”
Coco: “Because we were kittens once too.”
Piper: “I’m so glad you guys are my family. Who else would give me baths?”
Coco and Tink: “We love you too.”
Coco: “We just want you to grow up and be a successful grown cat like we are.”
Piper: “Happy Holidays, big sissies!”
Coco and Tink: “Happy Holidays and catnip dreams to you Piper!”
Affirmation: I will not hesitate to ask for what I need.
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today is a very special day. It’s my oldest son, Marshall, birthday. Fourteen years ago today, after thirty-six hours of labor, Marshall made his entrance into the world. I will say with confidence that I was NOT the one who gave birth. And from that moment, my life was, once again, forever changed.
Our dreams as parents became a reality when our little preemie boy entered the world. And, boy, did he make the sun shine brighter that day. Within moments, we went from sleeping late anytime we wanted to, to now being very protective of this little boy who would call us moms. And now there was a little being that we would literally sacrifice everything for.
Our beautiful little boy name, Marshall Lake Landrum-Arnold, would struggle at the beginning of his life just trying to maintain his own body temperature and learning how to eat and put healthy weight on his tiny, little body. That first year was not easy by any means. And I speak for myself when I say that I was so happy that he arrived. But I was terrified of now being responsible for raising him to adulthood. And I was scared that I would not be enough.
His health scares and concerns were extremely stressful for us as a new family. And for once, I knew what it felt like to be completely helpless and not be able to “quick fix” a situation. But I finally understood the mysterious love between a parent and a child. This little boy, I knew, would change the world even if it was for two lesbian moms.
It has been the most frustrating, difficult, and rewarding job that I never thought possible. Now, fourteen years later, our little preemie is in the throws of puberty. He has a deep voice, peach fuzz, and an almost never-ending attitude. And first thing every morning he hisses and has the most ruthless cause of “bedhead” that I’ve ever seen. But he’s still my little boy.
He was beautiful the moment he entered the world. And he’s still beautiful now. He is the smartest and most caring boy that still loves to hang out with momma and laugh. Now it’s not wanting a bottle and a nap. It’s video games, nerf guns, weird music, a voracious appetite, band practice, books, and a mood swing that is constantly going back and forth. But he’s still my little boy.
We don’t live together now, but he always lives within me. From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep, my thoughts always hold in the recesses of my mind, the many fears of being a parent. You can have many children, but there is only one first born. And as a first born myself, I try to impress upon him the importance about his role as a big brother. He has dreams and aspirations that I watch change sometimes daily.
Happy Birthday to you my beautiful boy! I look forward to many more years of watching you develop and become a man. While also knowing that three moms can raise a son without a man successfully. I love you more than life. And I thank you for making me a mom and changing my life. I will continue to love you unconditionally no matter what path in life you take. Because the sky is the limit for you. Hug your children because they won’t be babies for very long. Thanks for reading!
“Sometimes the goal is to just survive, and the memories are a bonus.”
-Unknown
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about the holidays and family. Don’t worry. It also gives me gas at the thought of the two, once again, colliding.
This should be a happy time for most of us. However, especially in our current political climate, I would venture to say that the thought of interacting with family members who stand on the opposite of the isle makes me want to step out into oncoming traffic. So, this year, I’ll be spending most of my holiday time with the only ones that seem trustworthy, my boys and my cats.
My cats could care less about what the current political environment is like. And they also don’t care whether I’m straight or gay. And unlike some of my family members, all they want to do is spend every waking hour with me. With all of my quirkiness, they just seem to keep scrolling as none of that matters to them.
My boys and I will spend time together during their school break. Activities include burning leaves and wood at the fire pit, roasting wieners and marshmallows, and cuddling in the cool night air while talking about the newest and most concerning issues of being a child. And I will, more than likely, be pummeled by nerf gun bullets sometime during their stay.
We never have enough money to do everything that we want to do. But what we do have is each other. They devour every bit of food available. And at the end of the day, they are my children, and I am their mom. The cats are their sisters. There is absolutely nothing that can compare to that.
By the end of their stay, the cats are tired of being nice and the boys are tired of being nice to each other. And I am, once again, interested in a little bit of quiet time. No matter how tired and irritated we can get, me and the boys experience the true meaning of family. And that’s what it’s all supposed to be about. Not judging someone for who they are versus who they are not. Thanks for reading! And enjoy your time with family in whatever way that takes shape.
Affirmation: I will approach this holiday with the same calm wisdom I use to navigate family debates over the thermostat.
I am the light you tried to strangle, the light you tried to stifle in your chokehold.
But my light bled all over the pages of your book, your preconceived narratives, your filthy words and your attempts to bring terror back into the blank space of my eyes.
Who am I?
I’ll tell you who I am.
I birthed revolution in my bones like the many women that came before me.
I ignited flames beneath my skin, using the fiery spirits of women who walked beside me
as matches; we breathed fire into each other’s hearts until the world could see us and from the ashes we were reborn.
Who am I?
I’ll tell you who I am.
I am the fear in your hatred, the pain that you tried to use to violate my sacred spaces, rip me apart until I was nothing,
but I knew I would always be something, somebody, and now I am.
I am layers and layers of the love and power that act as your kryptonite,
and with the words and actions of all those who rose with me, I’ll build an impenetrable wall.
Who am I?
I am the thing that nightmarish people have nightmares about,
wake up sweating about, thinking about —
their furrowed brows tense with self-doubt —
wondering if I and the other warriors I march with could ever come back to life.
Who am I?
I am the restless rebel you tried to bury,
the one you tried to pull out by the root and eradicate when she began to grow from the seed.
Who am I?
I’ll tell you who I am.
I am the girl you left for dead thinking she’d always fall and never rise again.
I am the girl you cut with your razor blade wrath, the girl you thought would never fight back.
I am the girl you underestimated, the woman you tormented, the child whose shackles you tightened.
Who am I?
I think you already know –
I think you understand.
I am the prisoner you tried to cage, the little girl you made afraid –
I am the woman who never gave up, the one who exposed your charade —
Who am I?
I am everything and anything that you will stand againstto try to regain control.
For every source of darkness, there is a bleeding soul,
one that shines so brightly that the entire war zone becomes illuminated.
I am the truth, your karma, the revolt —
I am the resistance, the pieces you tried to keep shattered, coming back together again.
I emerge quietly, but I resound loudly —reverberate through your skin.
My power was never yours, and it was never yours to take.
“Trauma Bonding is like being a hostage who has developed an irrational affection for your captor. They can abuse you, torture you, even threaten to kill you, and you’ll remain inexplicably and disturbingly loyal.”
– Ann Clendening.
I posted this today to help give you a voice to your own abuser/abusers. I have been in therapy for many years, and sometimes, I even doubt these words. The problem is that we were so indoctrinated with their beliefs, comments, gas lighting, manipulation, and co-dependency that we formed a something called “trauma bonding.”
Trauma Bonding is an unhealthy emotional attachment that develops between a victim and their abuser. It is a complex issue that occurs in different abusive situations that include physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. But it’s also important to note that not everyone who goes through abuse forms a trauma bond. However, some people may be more prone to forming a trauma bond due to the early experiences as a form of repetition compulsion https://www.attachementproject.com, 2025). This can happen in domestic abuse, child abuse, elder abuse, exploitative employment, kidnapping or hostage-taking, human trafficking, and religious extremism or cults (https://medicalnewstoday.com, 2023).
Characteristics of Trauma Bonding:
· Intermittent Reinforcement: The abuser cycles between periods of abuse and kindness creating a sense of hope and dependence in the victim. Victims of abuse may be waiting for that next “feel-good moment” in the relationship that also keeps them trapped in a cycle of abuse and relief (https://www.domesticshelters.org, 2021).
v This is also how many addictions keep you stuck. If everything were bad all of the time, you would grow tired and leave. But the intermittent reinforcement is how they maintain control.
· Isolation: The abuser often isolates the victim from their support system, making them more vulnerable and reliant on the abuser ((https://medicalnewstoday.com, 2023).
v I was not completely isolated physically from my support systems. But emotionally I was very isolated. He constantly told me that my friends and family didn’t have my best interest at hand. He would make up lies about things they said and assassinate their character behind their backs.
· Fear and Insecurity: The victim experiences constant fear and insecurity, leading them to believe that they cannot escape the abusive situation (https://www.savantcare.com,2023).
v The constant fear and insecurity that I experienced was, in fact, my prison cell. And I was afraid to leave even when the door was wide open.
· Justification: The victim may rationalize the abuser’s actions or blame themselves for the abuse (https://thriveworks.com, 2024).
v I was conditioned to believe that everything I did that made him angry was my fault. And it wasn’t. Now, I can see that his actions were because of his behavior, not mine.
· Emotional Manipulation: The abuser uses emotional manipulation to control the victim’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (https://wondermind.com, 2023).
v This right here was the #1 key factor for why I wouldn’t leave. He even told me, “No other man would ever put up with the things that I have to deal with in you. All of the good things about you, which aren’t many, are because of me. You are useless without me. I have given you everything you wanted. And disobeying me is the thanks that I get? Why do you need anti-depressants when there is no reason that you should be depressed.
Trauma bonding kept me trapped in an abusive situation. People have said, “Why didn’t you just leave?” The problem lies in the way they you manipulate you into believing that everything bad that happens, no matter how minor, is the victim’s fault. And day after day, their hold strengths without you even realizing it. And in my case, I felt as though I was responsible for their thoughts and feelings. I constantly strived to be “good enough” or “well deserving enough” to see the person that he told and showed me he could be when we met. And quite frankly, it was always just a game. Their abusive self is “the real them.” Believe your instincts and the colors in which they present themselves. For that is who they truly are.
If you have read through this and have never been in a situation where everything you do is being controlled, consider yourself lucky. But don’t you dare sit there and say, “It was their own fault that they didn’t leave.” That is one of the most callous things that you can say to someone who is currently trying to survive and those that have survived finally leaving that situation no matter how long it took.
You have absolutely no right to tell me or anyone else how we should feel simply because you have not experienced it. I stayed much longer than I should’ve. And there are times when I still beat myself up for it. Now though, I give myself some grace for not knowing how to leave or recognizing what was going on in plain sight. It’s not just one event that causes this. It’s something that happens every single day methodically planned and executed by the warden in the relationship.
Once you leave, I highly recommend getting into therapy. Just because you think that no damage has occurred, doesn’t mean that it hasn’t happened. Even now, 19 years later since I left him, I have phobias, anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, and difficulty making decisions. He has left a mark that will last a lifetime. And some of the things that he did I’ll never recover from. He once told me, “You’ll never be without me no matter what you do!” And the truth is that, while he still doesn’t have total control over me, I still allow parts of him to live rent free in my head.
The next post will be something that represents those of us who have managed to leave and have an understanding through therapy how and where to put the responsibility where it truly belongs, on them.
To those who are still in these types of relationships, I see you even when you don’t openly identify yourself. To those who have left and still live in fear, I see you and you’re not alone. To those of us who continue to strive to change those hard-core beliefs that were instilled by way of threats, intimidation, and violence, I see you as well. None of you are alone. And not all relationships are like this.
Find a therapist that you trust and open your soul to them. Coach has been a lifeline of compassion and understanding for me that I’ve rarely experienced. And she has never made fun of or questioned why I didn’t leave. Unconditional support and her teachings have made life possible for me many lonely nights. I will probably always struggle with some things and that’s ok. This process is certainly a marathon instead of a sprint. And there is no time limit for healing. The whole point is to continue showing up and moving forward in whatever way that might take shape. You are not on an island like you think. There are millions of us both male and female who struggle with the effects and consequences of domestic violence and abuse.
You are loved. You are wanted. And you deserve the good things that life has to offer. Thanks for reading! And I hope you look for the next blog in a couple of days that I post that will help you begin to find your voice. The power to heal is now and ours.
Affirmation: My story has power and inspiration through it.
-Rachel Caine, Fall of Night (The Morgancille Campires, #41)
TECHNOLOGY-FACILITATED ABUSE
Monitoring text messages, phone records, social media activity, and internet search history.
Preventing or forbidding a person from owning or having access to a phone or computer.
Sending abusive messages through text, email, social media, or other online platforms.
Using technology to track a person’s movements without their permission.
Using technology to gather personal information about someone without their permission.
Accessing or ‘hacking’ a person’s online accounts without their permission.
Impersonating a person online.
Using technology to share personal and private images or videos without consent.
v Luckily, social media and the internet were fairly new things at that time. However, once we separated, he was very threatened through email.
STALKING AND HARASSMENT
Following and watching someone, for example watching them from a parked car.
v I was stalked constantly. And he even went as far as to sit outside my job for the entire shift to make sure I didn’t eat any food that he didn’t approve.
Using technology to monitor their movements; this is also called tech abuse.
Sending unwanted gifts to a person’s home or workplace.
v This was done whenever the cycle rolled back around to “love bombing.” He always gave me gifts and the same speech. However, it would only take a couple of days until he was right back to the same thing starting with verbal and emotional abuse.
Repeatedly making unwanted contact through phone calls, text messages, emails, social media and other messaging or chat apps.
Turning up, uninvited, at the person’s home or workplace, or at social activities.
v He would always justify his actions with some type of excuse for why he showed up. And he was always lying. He always had a more sinister reason.
Installing spyware on a person’s digital devices to get private information, or to secretly record or video them.
v He and his brother went so far as to tap the phone lines at our house to monitor who I was having conversations with.
Using webcams and other forms of video surveillance without the person’s knowledge or consent.
REPRODUCTIVE ABUSE
Preventing a person from using birth control or forcing them to have unprotected sex.
v This happened from the very beginning. I was lucky that I never got pregnant.
Pressuring a person to get pregnant.
Forcing or pressuring a person to have a pregnancy terminated.
Forcing or pressuring a person to have medical treatments which will prevent them from having periods or having a baby.
Forcing or pressuring a person to have medical procedures on their genitals.
Abusers will justify and create new ways of cruelty covered with beautiful paper and a beautiful bow. And to unsuspecting victims, they have no idea what kind of damage is done until many years down the road, if and when they get out and into therapy emphasising on “deprogramming.” For years, I’ve questioned if what I experienced was true. And that’s the precipous of their game. They teach you how to doubt your own reality,
I left that horrible 14-year relationship, in 2006, battered and broken. Many of the wounds are still evident, and others are in various stages of healing. What I don’t need a degree to diagnose is how deep some of the wounds run. Being conditioned to be someone who you aren’t. And the constant walking on eggshells still wreaks havoc on my nervous system. And I still get overwhelmed to the point of not being able to make everyday decisions that most take for granted.
What is unseen benefit? For a long time, I never knew the answer to that question. What I did learn was different aspects of human behavior and their “red flags.” Not just physical. But also verbal. I watch how they talk about their other friends and family. I watch non-verbal cues. I watch how they are on both good and bad days. I watch how they communicate. I watch how superficial they are and their intentions. I watch to see, in what ways, they poke fun at another person. Are they being silly or cruel? I watch to see if my needs are considered or is it just “lip service?” But above all, I watch for congruency. I watch behavior with a fine-toothed comb. And for the most part, if I sense that something is off, I’m out. Most of the time, I have to watch them for a little while before deciding about whether or not to end a relationship.
I now listen to my gut. Something that I rarely ever did because he made every decision. And I do mean every decision. My master’s degree never taught me to listen to my gut. Surviving cruelty did. I know what I see. I know what I experience. And your validation is not needed. Thanks for reading! And reach out for HOPE.
“There are no kings in America. Only gilded me we can topple again and again.”
-Aileen Cassinetto
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about our country for a moment. I don’t usually write much about politics on my blog. Social media is quite different. However, we are currently experiencing unprecedented times. Which is causing so much collateral damage that it could take several presidents to undo what is being done if that is even possible.
When my boys come to visit we always talk about current things like school, everyday life, personal wants, “would you rather” and the current political environment. And to be honest, I never thought I would have to explain basic human rights and how those are egregiously being destroyed. And now the decisions of a lot of Americans have put in power a want to be dictator.
I wrote a blog this past month that recently posted about how good we have it in our country. And now I must retract that statement by tell you that the United States of America, the threat to democracy and the very essence of our lives are now being tailored for a fascist society. And the “American Spirit,” which is not a person, is being made a mockery of the founding fathers’ original intentions. Let me break it down.
Our Foundational Ideas
· Liberty and Independence: The freedom to think, speak, and act as one chooses without infringing on the rights of others.
· Self-government: The belief that citizens are the ultimate source of authority and have the right to participate in the political process.
· Equality: The idea that all people are created equal and deserve fair treatment, respect, and dignity, with equal opportunities for success.
· Individualism: The belief that individuals are in control of their own destinies and can achieve self-sufficiency and independence through their own initiative (https:study.com, 2025).
Aspirations of the American Dream
· The promise of opportunity: Anyone can achieve success through sacrifice, risk-taking, and hard work.
· Upward social mobility: The change for individuals to attain a better life than their parents.
· A “democracy of goods”: The notion that everyone should have access to material comfort and goods, a vision popularized in the 20th century (https://www.wikipedia.org, 2025).
I now must again explain to my children how racism, at its core, is just wrong in every way. And how the example of the highest position, in our once revered democracy is being dismantled one freedom and one right at a time. And how if someone disagrees with someone’s way of life, you must not fear and/or hate them. I have instructed my children from day one that people and families are unique individually. And just because of their uniqueness, it doesn’t mean that they are wrong. I don’t care about your skin color, religious affiliation, political affiliation, sexual orientation, ethnic background, or gender identity. However, what I don’t like are bullies. And currently we have a bully in power.
I don’t hate no matter how far left or far right you are on the spectrum. But the idea of hating and inciting violence against someone because they are different is not ok. Do I like people like Charlie Kirk? Hell no. Do I think that he deserved to be murdered based on his views, regardless of whether I agreed with him or the fact that he was a racist and a homophobe, never. But when your whole premise of the stage that you voluntarily inject yourself onto is about treating those you disagree with by tearing them down, bad things are bound to happen. And when political views and votes are more important than lives of our citizens and our beautiful immigrants, our tears begin to fall.
When the president of the United States who has 34 felony convictions, and whose best friends were the vilest child sex trafficker and rapists this country has ever seen, while also having the support of others, it must be discussed and stopped. Jeffery Epstein and Ghislane Maxwell were convicted of some of the most horrible crimes against children. And it has been confirmed that Donald Trump’s name, as well as many others, were also listed in the Epstein files.
As a parent and someone who was also preyed upon by those in power, the only logical decision of our government should be to release the unredacted files and have total transparency. This shouldn’t be a tall order. I see a lot of people online who voted for Donald talking about how evil Jefferey Epstein was. And how pedophiles should be held accountable, unless you talk about the high probability that Donald Trump is also connected to said crimes.
I have never seen so many lies and an obvious cover up by the United States government in my life. I don’t care whose names, whether they be democrats, republicans, independents or royalty, are on the list. They should all be held accountable. And for some of us, whose perpetrators were never held accountable, this is a national symbol of that fight for justice. And just maybe the bad guys get caught in the end and have to pay for their actions that have ruined upwards of a thousand children’s lives.
When you are forced into something as horrific as sexual abuse, your life is forever changed. You will never view the world as “safe” again. You will never look at the average person the same again. And the most intimate part of a person’s life and body are forever damaged. The lies and manipulation that one has to possess to accomplish these acts are more than I can comprehend.
It is my hope and prayer that whoever has taken part in actions consistent with pedophilia, rape and/or the coverup of these crimes will see the day when they are forced to be accountable for everything that they have turned a “blind eye” to. I shouldn’t have to explain why blatant actions have been and continue to be ignored. I shouldn’t have to explain how and why our, once thriving and beautifully diverse country has systematically been sent down the tubes. And is also being controlled by a Russian dictator who is training our orange, “want to be dictator” in the ways of murdering democracy.
My children shouldn’t have to witness and be explained the purpose of “Alligator Alcatraz.” And how funny it is to the hard core “Triple Trumpers” MAGA movement. The only thing consistent are lies, deceit and the many times of the crashing of Grindr by down low politicians. Who are angry because they are scared of authenticity. I shouldn’t have to explain why our country is ok with standing by someone like Benjamin Netanyahu and watching as the genocide in Gaza continues. I shouldn’t have to explain why Vladamir Putin is allowed to continue with the horrific attacks on the people of Ukraine. I shouldn’t have to explain why a dictator across the pond poisons those that don’t agree with them. But here we are.
What I do have to explain are the constant sacrifices of our military service members, who many have laid down their lives for generations, in an effort to make sure that we retain those inalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And how and why the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution was formed. Even though the president of our country clearly knows nothing about said rights which was caught on camera many times. Why “No Kings Day” protests are so important. And how our once love for the “freedom of speech” is being allowed to now be censored.
With tears in my eyes, again, I write this. And the grief of my soul as I watch the sometimes-comical players in this mockery of a democratic government, keeps me up at night. And a lot of times, I laugh to keep from crying. But the videos of children and adults being starved to death is not something that we are accustomed to witnessing. I don’t believe that those who take away the rights of others should have rights of their own.
The tensions in this country of the blatant abuse of power by turning the military on our citizens is uncalled for and scary. And the depths of these fears, I do my best to shield my children from seeing. But they are not dumb. They ask questions and I try to explain them on an age-appropriate level.
I enjoy watching and posting the satire of some of these views. But make no mistake, I will constantly keep at the forefront of our conversations about the importance of such figures in the civil rights movement, Nazi Germany, the extermination of the Jews in concentration camps and the importance of the Stonewall riots. And now, I must explain to them modern day concentration camps disguised as being something “good” for the American public.
People, life as we knew it is disappearing at a rapid rate. It is time for us as Americans to grow a spine and make a peaceful stand against tyranny. And this means doing “your part” in whatever way that looks. No longer is it ok to remain “neutral” as “neutrality” is now a vote for tyranny. You can make a choice to be red, blue or any color of the rainbow. And remember that staying neutral is also a choice. Our country is a collection of diverse groups of people, races, ethnicities, and religions creating One America. The colors that matter the most are the ones who are red, white, and blue.
Thanks for reading! And I hope that you, not only as an American, will stand up for what’s right instead of staying silent to what’s wrong. To our allies across the pond and abroad, your voices also matter. And I personally thank each and every one of you for not allowing the Epstein scandal to go unnoticed. Keep standing for freedom my fellow Americans as will I. And to our diligent immigrants, I will continue to do my part to fight for your right to live the American Dream that most of us took for granted. Thanks for your attention to this matter.
Affirmation: I embrace the opportunities and freedoms in the United States to build the life I deserve.
This Puzzled Life 