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darnold1975

Trapped Trauma

Trapped Trauma

8.8.2014

“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”

― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

People who will read these posts are wondering about, “How I’m able to write about this trauma if I have such adverse effects?”  The truth is that, I’m able to discuss this because I’m talking completely from my head.  Emotionally, I have a very difficult time staying “grounded” around these topics. It’s the same concept as those that work in the emergency services field (EMTs, fire fighters, police).  And let’s not forget our soldiers that return from war.  I worked only for a year on an ambulance but saw enough to last a lifetime.  You operated solely helping with the gruesome scene before you.  Feelings must be put on the “back burner” in order to get the job done.

Once upon a time, a few years ago while in graduate school, I would do presentations to help explain/educate those going into the therapy field on the topic of “Self-Harm.”  I had to be able to give some background information in order for the students to grasp the concept of how this behavior can develop.  However, emotionally the topics, even more vague than I talk about here, would, at time have me vomiting by the end of the presentation.  So, I had to completely detach emotionally to be able to speak.

The problem is afterward………”What to do with all of the feelings?”  Everything emotionally gets stored and trapped unless properly released.  Within the animal kingdom, all prey animals go through the same thing we go through as humans.  Some of these symptoms include but definitely not limited to:  heart rate changes, immobilization state, shaking, trembling, shivering, temperature changes, breathing changes and more.  The animal then returns to a “normal” state of being and goes on about its business. We as human beings have a much more complex emotional, psychological and physical systems in operation on a day-to-day basis. However, if we could learn how to just ‘sit’ with these trauma responses, be able to release the results of this ‘normal’ type of physical and mental responses safely and fully. We could also just move on to the next task.  However, most people don’t know how to completely and safely release these ‘trapped’ feelings and emotions. Therefore, people either find and work with a therapist often many years after the event because their behavior becomes problematic in every aspect of their life.  Most people don’t realize that they’re actually looking to be able to have this release so that they are able to function more normally.  This state of unresolved trauma can be the underlying force that drives the elusive symptoms such as panic, depression, migraines, irritable bowel, ME, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and chronic pain.

Those that choose not to work on their issues can lead to an unfulfilled life never truly happy because of an event or series of events that could’ve happened 20+ years ago. And some well….they re-perpetrate another victim and the cycle continues.  This is where having a trusted therapist is very crucial. Releasing the trauma through both the mind and body is a very intimate area that most people aren’t allowed to know about much less hear how the trauma really affected us.  Often the additional re-experiencing that can come with therapy, can actually be more painful than the actual events.  For me, my body and mind can feel like I’m detoxing from some type of drug.  I wake up vomiting, diarrhea, body aches, sweating and emotionally a mess. Sometimes it can take until noon time for me to be able to somewhat function.

Because of my trauma, it takes me a long time of watching and interacting with someone to feel that comfortable to work with someone on that level. Remember….the times when I initially going through the trauma, I was either alone or made fun of for natural feelings for the situation. Therapy is one of those professions that have a very fine line between ethical and unethical behavior.  I know and totally respect this from having been in the field at one time.  However, without some type of human and/or animal connection……I, personally, cannot process.  I have to know and feel a ‘therapeutic’ relationship with the person or persons that I do this work with.  This is a very scary process for me to find those people that I feel that level of comfort being around.  Also, because they have the title as “therapist,” automatically my mind and body scream, “Harmful Authority Figure Ahead! You Will Get Hurt!” So, it has taken me over a year working with therapists every week for over a year watching EVERYTHING about them to determine whether or not they’re a “safe” people.  Even with determining that these people are “safe” people, showing an emotion besides anger often leaves me feeling embarrassed and shameful. Even the anger, leaves it’s on mark of shame on me.

These (psychosomatic) reactions wear both the mind and body down.  The medical marijuana actually helps me to be able to persevere through these reactions by helping with both the intensity of the flashbacks and pain. I also go to acupuncture every week which seems to, at least, help with some of the physical symptoms.  Not everyone is going to have the same reaction to processing or experiencing trauma.   Unfortunately, this is sometimes just part of the process.  It’s definitely a “marathon not a sprint.” I didn’t reach these extremes in behavior overnight. So, to even remotely think, that seeing a therapist and being able to resolve everything in a couple of weeks is a very unrealistic expectation that will set one up for failure.

The time in my life where I remember actually feeling truly “safe” in a relationship with someone outside of my parents is my wife, Melody Landrum-Arnold.  She has been nothing less than a ‘trooper’ while in this arduous process. This feeling of “safety” has also come with some complications. This will be explained later.

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

In The Beginning

In The Beginning

8.1.14

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
― Criss Jami
Having never really being able to process everything I’ve gone through for the last 30+ years, you can’t possibly imagine what this has done to my mind and body. Just sharing a little bit yesterday left me vomiting and with a migraine as I lay trying to sleep last night.  So…..I will take this process as slow as I can.
The same year that I left my ex-husband several things happened which made it the year from hell. My beloved grandmother passed away in January.  The death of my grandmother hurt me so deeply. She was the one I always knew would listen. But, to protect her and the rest of my family, I once again, held secrets about what all was happening in my marriage. I lost several people that I knew between January and March.  I soon reunited with some of my birth family. My father, birth mom, 1 full brother and 2 half brothers, some aunts and a grandmother.  Finally, I was to have that one situation that a lot of adoptees long for…..the chance to see where and who you came from and why the adoption took place.  I can say that the whole nature vs. nurture debate was seen firsthand.  My father, while having a great sense of humor, was an alcoholic and was drunk the entire time I was there. Me and my brothers just laughed about similarities. My birth mom appeared to be much more willing to interact with me, than I was with her. I held so much anger and other emotions from her for so long, that when I finally got to meet her, it seemed as though I was frozen. I didn’t know what to say or do. After a while, I seemed to be able to settle my insides down enough to ask her the question, “Why?”  Her response….”I was mad at your father and you were an inconvenience in my life at the time.” Even now writing this, my body retracts from the pain of being rejected again. But, as an adoptee, I had to know. The hole to my identity, I thought, was complete. At least I knew.  However, I couldn’t shake what she had told me. Secretly, I was devastated. In my mind, I now understood that she really didn’t have the capability to love me. But, in my heart, it was like being taken away from her at birth again.  This feeling has continued to the present time. That was 8 years ago that I met her. The wound in my heart, mind and body has never been able to heal from this. The abandonment and rejection feelings are ones that seem to be trapped on a cellular level in my body. On my return, from this trip, I realized that I didn’t have time to deal with these feelings. I was going right back to my abusive marriage and was trying to finish my undergraduate degree in psychology while preparing for graduate school. So, again, the feelings got stuffed. I just put on a happy face and tried to carry on with life. My identity and foundation had been shattered again. Her statement only reconfirmed the thoughts that I had always had about myself. “I wasn’t good enough” and “I was a mistake” and “I’m not wanted.” These thoughts continue today every moment that I’m awake.
In June of that year, I went to “trauma camp” in Santa fe, NM at Life Healing Center. My goal at the time was to get rid of the deep seeded hatred that I had for my birth mom.  I had just left my ex-husband and was still too soon to deal with that because I knew that our divorce would probably be a lengthy one.  I left “trauma camp” having met some amazing people and feeling like I had gained some strength to carry the load again.  But, I did have a renewed sense of peace with the anger I had for my birth mom. Or so I thought. A couple of months later, I had a car wreck with an 18-wheeler that almost killed me.  Sorry, no time for processing, I’m still interning for schoolA couple of months later, through a mutual friend, I was introduced to someone who is still one of my best friends. It was a very quick friendship that turned into much more than I was prepared for.  She was one I finally felt safe around. She let me cry and didn’t make fun of me. She heard my frustrations and fears while continuing to validate it all. And all she had to do was listen. Quite frankly, that scared me. I didn’t need any professional, at that time, to do what she was already doing for me.  I was still very much in “survival mode” so, my questions to her were “So, when do I get to see what you’re really like?”Because, to me, people have been evil until proven differently.  I continued to watch her like a predator on prey. I listened to everything she said and how she said it. I was, simply, waiting for her “true colors” to show so that I would have a reason to break off this scary but healthy friendship. But, there was something that I felt about her that I never could shake.  I had just left a 14 year very emotionally/sexually abusive relationship. The last thing I wanted was to jump into another one. Not to mention….the fact that most of us are raised to believe that there was this very special person of the opposite sex that would be sent to us from God. Talk about confusing as hell.
 I played the “straight” game the majority of my life knowing that I was really gay. Technically, the marriage to my ex-husband wouldn’t have worked anyway because I’m gay. I just wish that I had come out when I was younger.  But, being raised in a small southern town with very rigid views, would you have come out? I had enough in my life going on in my teens to not have to worry about that too.
But, I couldn’t help it….I LOVED HER!  I was so confused about what to do. I knew the local views and how I was raised.  But, for once in my life, this whole relationship felt very safe. I told her that I was “his” sloppy seconds and that I had baggage. She still agreed to a relationship with me. Surely, people would be happy for me that I was finally happy and free from abuse. I wouldn’t say anything close to that was the reaction I got from those closest.  By this time, I had heard every kind of rumor about me that I just didn’t care.  Now, all of a sudden, I’m the minority at the back of the bus again.
My official night of “coming out” to my parents was less than pleasant. Now, I’m not only the ‘black sheep’ of the family for being a recovering drug addict. I’m also the ‘rainbow sheep’ of the family because I’m gay.  It wasn’t a case of being disowned by my family. It was a biblical and societal issue.  One family member has left and others just openly shun me when I’m around. But, I love who I love. I was gay when you were straight.
Melody Landrum-Arnold and I got engaged December 24, 2007 after having been in a relationship for 6 months. We were legally married February 2011. We have a beautiful, high energy 2 1/2 year old son who blessed the world the day he was born. We now live in Albuquerque, NM. We both got our Master’s Degree in Counseling at William Carey University in Hattiesburg, MS. The year 2014 is the first year we’ve gotten to file joint taxes as a “legal” family.  But as we would soon see, the troubles within our relationship wouldn’t be totally because of our families…
Next blog will be another “coming out” in a sense. Is there a limit to how many times a person is required to come out of so many closets in one lifetime?
#Thispuzzledlife
darnold1975

Hello world!

I initially started blogging about 5 years ago.  I’m originally from the deep south in Petal, MS.  It’s exactly half way between Gulfport, MS and Jackson, MS and just across the bridge from Hattiesburg, MS.  Petal has a population around 11,000 now but growing up as a small child and teenager there were significantly less people.  Small town USA complete with the noisiness, conservative politics, religion, strong beliefs, great food, respect taught through the generations, southern hospitality, friendly neighbors who are loyal as family, resilient, head strong and loyalties within a “good ole’ boy network.”  No more loyalties than any other small town I’m sure.  But this “loyalty” hurt me and changed the course of my life forever.

Me and my wife completed Master’s degree in Couseling and then moved to Albuquerque, NM to begin our careers and start a family.  But as life would have it, Mental Illness began to effect our hopes and dreams one day at a time. A few years later I would be diagnosed correctly….finally…with Dissociaitve Identity Disorder.  We would eventually have two little boys that we adore and make you want to keep going with things get difficult.

puzzlepieces2

My writing is about the struggles of living as an individual and LGBT family with a parent with severe mental illness. The sometimes the humor of it all and the often heartbreaking reality of the effects of abuse and mental illness on the indivial and family unit as a whole will keep those that struggle from feeling that you live on an island.  And the families will see that you can love someone with a mental illness without becoming a prisoner to their behaviors.  And maybe you will also see that the struggle for us as your family memeber have more struggles then what we let on at times.

Anyway, enjoy the laughs and tears with our family as they support me while I search for the puzzle pieces of an abusive life.  I will say this…I don’t sugar coat anything.  Sometimes my blogs can be graphic but abuse isn’t pretty.  I’m in the process of healing so topics are frequently repeated and attitudes change from positive to dark.  Either way, this is MY life and MY therapeutic journey towards healing.  Hold on because this ride is bumpy.

Hit the “Follow” button and watch us grow. I don’t write every day because my functionality can change on a dime.  I cover many different topics related to abuse and mental illness.  This blog builds so read from the beginning and see Where we were. Where we are now. And where we are going.  Happy Reading!

#thispuzzledlife