This Puzzled Life is a mental health and recovery blog exploring addiction, trauma healing, LGBTQ experiences, humor, and the strange moments that shape us.
“If you can’t laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.”
~ Natalie Portman
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away! Instantly, I feel better. I need to make a confession. A few weeks ago, I had elbow surgery. No big deal. I’ve had many surgeries throughout my life. Most have been knee surgeries. This time, though, it was going to be “baptism by fire” on how to bathe with one arm. I do my best by keeping the cast dry. This should’ve not been an issue because I’ve done the same thing after knee surgeries. But this time, would prove itself different.
I get my game plan to hold my arm up while attempting to sit down in my bath water. Uh oh! Ok this little snafu I had not factored into my plan. How would I get down in the water? Just in case I had misjudged my actions, I tried it again. Oh my gosh! My older body was letting me down. I begin thinking about the situation that I’m now faced deal with. I couldn’t call my close friends because if they saw me now, they would be in therapy the rest of their lives. Plus, one of them already has issues with gravity. She would laugh hysterically while shouting, “KARMA!” “I couldn’t call coach. Because who would? And I’m also one of those kids that always said, “I do it!”
I develop a new game plan while thinking, “If survivors from the Titanic disaster made it then a measly bathtub situation should be no problem, right?” I began squatting but still I could do nothing but hover over the water. Finally, I realize that the only solution is to just let go and fall in the water the rest of the way. I begin counting “One, two, three. Wait! Wait! Do I let go on three or two?” When you have parts, the agreeing on things internally is seldom accomplished. Some were already laughing. Mainly the teenagers. The kids were saying over and over, “One, two, three Go! One, two, three go!” Others say, “OMG this is going to be a disaster! Call coach! Yes, ask for what you need!” I shout, “Shut up! I’m to keep us alive!” To which the rebuttal comment is “Oh wow! That was not said in a loving kind of way.” My only other statement at this point was, “Well, I don’t feel “Loving” right now!”
Seeing no other way around this situation, I let go and fell back into the bathtub. I remember thinking, “Am I still alive? I accused the bathtub and karma for attempting to drown me.” One little insider was screaming, “I’m drowning! I’m drowning!” I say, “No you’re not! You just have water in your eyes!” Neither me, the tub nor the bathroom would ever be the same. I felt like I had just done a cannon ball off the diving board. And what had come of it was a tidal wave of water in every inch of that room.
“If you allow others to laugh with you, you will be great.”
“Ha! Ha! Ha! I told you I could do it!” I said. So, I took my bath with one arm out with no further incident. I was just going to keep the situation secret and in my back pocket for some time later down the road. I start attempting to get out of the tub like I do with my knee. And I soon realized that I had not thought about how to get back out of the bathtub. So, now I’m trapped in a bathtub and have no idea how I’m going to get out.” Hellfire and damnation! What do I do now?” I shouted. A few minutes go by, and I eventually make it back onto my feet and out of the bathtub. Karma got me good!
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”
-Unknown
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away! Whew! That’s my favorite part. I feel better now. I know that it’s been several days since I wrote my last blog. Sorry, but elbow surgery makes typing almost impossible. One of the coolest things about being around kids are the innocent and endless questions and rationale. Since finding out more information about my own childhood, my parents, friends and family have told me about various behaviors and questions that I said and done. Now that I have more children around me, I now understand just how it all looks and sounds. Check out these comedic statements.
Marshall (much younger): “Momma Mel, do you know what G-netic sand is?”
Momma Mel: “I think you mean K-Netic sand.”
Marshall: “No watch me. G-G-Genetic sand.”
Marshall (much younger}: “Momma Mel, have you ever been on Tweeter?”
Momma Mel: “Do you mean Twitter?”
Marshall: “No Tweeter!”
Me: “Wow son. We’ve had it wrong all this time.”
Me: “Son, I didn’t see it at Walmart.”
Copeland: “Well did you check the app?”
Me: “Did you realize that there was no Walmart when I was a kid?”
Copeland: “I know. That was back in the day.”
(I had no comeback)
Me: “Boys, we can’t go out for fast food tonight. It’s too expensive.”
Copeland: “Awe. Did you check the dollar menu?”
Me: “Did you check the pantry?”
Copeland: “Momma D, now that you are old can you tell me about your childhood?”
Me: “Dude let’s get one thing straight. I’m not old because I grew up in the 80s. And 80s kids don’t age.”
Copeland “No you’re old because you didn’t have YouTube and Dollar Tree.” (Silence)
Me “Boys I’m not going to raise y’all on McDonald’s.”
Copeland: “Well you can just raise us on Chick-Fil-A.”(Again silence)
Me: “Ok. I found the item you wanted.”
Male child: “Please order from our country!”
A lot of my little visitors love to see me so that they can play with my cats Coco and Tinkerbell. Ava Grace, my niece, was overheard asking these questions.
Ava Grace: “Coco you want some cookies? What’s the passcode?
She also proceeded to tell me a little bit of unknown history about my parents black and white stray cat named Oreo
AG: “Oreo’s mother was killed in a car wreck. Did you know that?”
Me: “Like his “cat momma?”
AG: “Yea, it was very sad.”
Copeland and I love to shoot fireworks. Check out these below.
Copeland: “Momma, when I get older, I want to do arson.”
Me: “Wait what?!”
Copeland: “Yea, I love playing with fireworks.”
Me: “Son, that is a pyro! Arson is a felony.”
Copeland: “Just don’t call the cops.”
Copeland lit a firework that was a strobe light.
Copeland: “Momma that light is giving me amnesia.”
Me: “What?! Son that light can cause seizures not amnesia.”
Copeland called me over to the fireworks that he shot.
Copeland: “Hey, mom you know you don’t have to pick up the leftover paper.”
Me: “Yes we do, son.”
Copeland: “Well the paper will evaporate.”
Me: “Do you mean disintegrate?”
Copeland: “Yea, whatever.”
Copeland: “mom this bread stuff is so good. Maybe we should tell poppa thank you right now, so he’ll go get some more.”
One day when the boys were staying with me, I told them in the evening that we all had to take showers or baths. Copeland for whatever reason wants me to sit and talk to him when he’s bathing.
Me: “Son you’re big enough to take baths by yourself.”
Trying his best to create a reason for me to go sit with him he shouts, “Mom! I need you!”
Me: “No you don’t. Take your bath.”
Copeland: “But I need you to help me! I have problems!”
Me: “What is the problem?”
Copeland: “The soap is decaying in the bathtub!”
Marshall (much younger)” Next time grandmother says she wants to do something. Tell her No! No! No! Marshall, my kid, thinks that is boring. And he just wants to stay home and play with his precious titanic.”
Copeland: “My bath water is so good. And it doesn’t even have pee in it.”
Copeland: “Adults have difficult lives. They have to worry about tax evasion, fraud and defamation.”
Mason age 9: “I tried Nutella. It’s the closest thing to poop!”
Copeland: I’m single and ready to mingle!”
Mason: “I like my teacher, Ms. Lee. Because she can moonwalk.”
Copeland: “I got a mani petty last night.”
Mason: “My uncle is a black cheerleader.”
Copeland: “If someone has abs does their belly button cut them off? Or do they cut off your belly button?”
“If you fart twice, you’ll see some mice!” Copeland age 9
“When your child tries to make you laugh, laugh. They love to hear your laughter as much as you love to hear theirs.”
“When [Jesus] saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd”.
Matthew 9:36
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Now I’m ready! I thought I could finish writing this later. But No, cigar! Now is as good a time as any other.
I keep coach very up to date with my thoughts and close attention with my “parts.” My main protector has been upset for quite a while. She’s willing to try to derail me in any possible way. So, naturally, I wondered why? Like most teenagers, she has once again, began striking out in fear.
I don’t typically do well with guided imagery. In the past, I’ve gotten tickled and would create some type of comedy. I’m always the one in the room when therapists start with creating a scenario like, “walking into the woods and becoming one with your senses.” What do I see? What do I hear? What do I feel? And then I’m the dufus and speaks up by saying, “It was me that stepped in it! I’m sorry for the smell!” And as if that wasn’t enough I would add this one in just for giggles. “Oh No! It’s a tornado in the distance! It’s coming straight for us! Run!” I know it’s silly. Since working with my coach, I haven’t done anything like that. You begin to realize when you take things in perspective. All I know is that I was tired of constantly trying to run away from things that are much bigger than me.
I settle in and begin breathing while coach guides me to facing the pain. My protector had a death grip on that baby. Vowing to protector her at all cost I thought, “Oh boy! Here we go again.” I’m doing my best to stay focused when I heard, “And just imagine that Jesus is standing there.” I froze while watching the interaction in my mind. Jesus spoke up and said, “Bring me the baby.” The protector surprisingly froze and all the angry words leave as soon as they had appeared. She slowly walked to Jesus and hands him the baby. The angry protector doesn’t say or do anything in protest. And for the first time in my life, the baby is calm and falls asleep on Jesus’s shoulder. The protector takes her cue by turning with Jesus’s hand on her shoulder. She too had a calmness that many have been unable to achieve. And she says only in a way that fits her perfectly, “Don’t worry. Jesus has our back!” Jesus then says, “Go ahead. You’ve been waiting for this your entire life, my child. I will provide all the protection that is needed for all of them and you.” I felt calm and reassured that I was making the right decision.
During, “The Passion Of The Christ” diamond painting project, I was told that he would never leave me. And had left me to help in securing my insecurities. And I remembered that I heard something that was said in an earlier encounter, “Me and the father will give you the strength you need.” And I realized that the gift in this encounter was that No one said that it would be easy. Jesus upheld his promise that he was not abandoning, any part of me, no matter the number. And so me and my parts begin the difficult road of healing the most difficult part of our trauma.
It is through these seven gifts–wisdom, understanding, counsel, knowledge, fortitude, piety, and fear of the Lord–that we grow in holiness and are continually reminded of God’s loving presence within us and around us.”
– John 14:26
***Don’t forget to watch the special two videos on the bottom***
“Don’t be afraid to celebrate a promise when kept. In doing so, you’re the potential for a better world.”
-Unknown
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Ok, much better. Today I am going to write about a recent occurrence in therapy. Through some recent events, therapy has led in the direction to tackle my core issues about my adoption. Truly I can say that it’s not a day that I have been looking towards with excitement. It is so necessary, in fact, that I still shiver about how painful it will be. For those that don’t know, it is a topic so strong and powerful that the thought of it makes me want to vomit. However, it’s something that has caused a dark cloud to follow me in every facet of my and for the majority of my life. The very mention of the topic causes a retraction that is so instantaneous and powerful, that I don’t feel that I have a weapon in my arsenal strong enough to stand a chance against its negativity.
I have trusted my coach on so many occasions for when it would be the appropriate timing to tackle different traumatic events. But the timing of this one, I would soon realize that no matter when she would decide on that “perfecting timing” it would never be convenient. I have written and spoken about it many times. And most of the time, I do so from my brain instead of my heart. I knew instantly that it would require a level of trust that I struggle to accept. After 8 years of doing therapy with her, I should know and feel that it’s been long enough to tackle the “primal wound.” And I ashamedly still don’t know if I’m ready. I get some specifics about the plan, and I sit with the idea for a few days knowing that coach has never led me astray. And she ALWAYS has my best interest at hand.
A few days went by, and I decided that no matter how scared, I would at least try. Seeing the strength and compassion in her eyes that I felt when I first met her told me that everything would be “ok” despite the agonizing pain. The biggest protector in my “system” of many distinct parts of myself is held by a 13-year-old that would give anyone a run for their money. She has protected me so many times from total annihilation on so many and very distinct levels. And this time would be no different. Once she realized that I had agreed to do the work, she immediately began throwing up roadblocks. The infant part of me is the most ferociously defended of any type of perceived threat. And I told “coach” what has been occurring. This defender is “top notch” at keeping me safe. But will also sabotage things out of fear. Some of her tactics were immensely helpful during traumatic events. However, she is still reactive during peace time. And this causes therapeutic roadblocks that can throw a “monkey wrench” in about any plan.
Coach and I begin the session with some guided imagery that helps me to prepare for the monumental task before us. What I begin to see is that this “protector” is holding hostage the newborn baby part. And she has always been inconsolable. No matter the situation, this little baby is like a an infant with colic. There is nothing that has helped her agonizing cries EVER! There is no amount of compassion that has been able to comfort her. She is non-verbal but her emotions are so uncategorical that I am not able to capture it with words. I am not able to listen to lullabies or tolerate the sound of a baby crying. When the boys were little their cries flew all over me. But at that time, I didn’t know how to do anything but run from the situation. I thought to myself, “How do people deal with a baby crying both inside their heads and as parents. What I didn’t know, at that time, was that “normal” people don’t hear things like that. I wouldn’t understand my pain until I understood the reason for the crying. And then one day the “A-HA” moment happened. She was retracting from the pain that occurred when me and my “birth mom” separated.
When I met my birth mom many years ago, she said to me what I had always feared, “You were an inconvenient then and you still are!” I can’t tell you how bad that hurt. And I still can’t understand how that must’ve felt like for a newborn baby. I could, however, understand what it was like for a 30-year-old adult. It was absolutely the worst pain imaginable. The rejection was like no other situation that I had experienced. And to put that much fear and pain on a little bitty baby was something that I would have to find healing from at some point.
I tried everything I could think of to fill that hole to bring me some level of comfort. I have tried drugs, alcohol, self-harm, relationships and nothing was strong enough. Coach would have the answers. But would I have the courage to step out on faith and take her hand as guidance once more? Not long ago I would speak with a resounding, “NO!” What I didn’t know was how very quickly I would change that lifetime of pain with a different answer.
“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.”
-Voltaire
***Don’t forget to watch the video at the bottom***
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Ok, I’m better. Since my last blog was about the frat pad, I thought that I would enlighten you about some of the wildlife that pay us a visit.
It all began when the boys were staying with me one weekend. At the end of the day, I put out pizza boxes usually only consisting of crusts that once held a piece of pizza. Within the hour, there was noise outside on my porch. I put my finger over my lips while telling the boys to be very quiet. I very gently opened the blinds on my door and motioned for them to quietly walk to where I was standing. I told them, “Look what came for the leftovers.”
My youngest son Copeland said, “Momma, what is that thing?” I reply, “That’s a hungry possum. They come around looking for food. And they will eat anything. And when finished, they go back to the woods where they live.” Again, he says, “Momma, I didn’t know that you had anything this cool. Can we watch them tomorrow night?” “Absolutely!” I said.
The next day all Copeland could talk about was that possum. He asks, “Momma, what are we going to feed the possum tonight?” I replied, “I’m not sure baby.” Again, he asks, “Can I help pick out what to feed it?” I told him, “Yes. But for now, we must run some errands.” When I can I let big brother Marshall enjoy some alone time. And Copeland and I go to Dollar Tree for some weekend snacks.
We drove to Dollar Tree. Go inside. And there went Copeland straight to the toys. And I head in the opposite direction and let my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) be happy by shopping in a pattern within the store. Right away I feel the panic building inside me. I soon feel the familiar fear that happens when I go out in public. I scan the store and generate a mental picture and ideas of how to flee from danger that’s, at this point, is unknown.
I soon heard his sprint coming toward me. “Momma, can I get this toy?” he asks. “Today is not toy day at Dollar Tree. I thought you wanted to pick out snacks for you and Marshall?” I ask. He replies, “Oh yes! Sorry, I forgot.” He says. I give him a few minutes while also keeping an eye on him. He runs to me with all kinds of snacks. He said, “Hey, momma! Look I found snacks.” He says. “Ummm excuse me little boy. That doesn’t even look like anything that you and Marshall eat.” Excitedly he replies, “Oh this isn’t for me and Marshall. All of these snacks are for the possum!” I tell him, “Son I am not buying all of that for the possum! You can find one snack for the possum.” His excitement quickly disappears after I crush his hopes and dreams. I tell him, “Find a snack that If the possum doesn’t eat, you and Marshall will eat also.” Life returns to his little face while saying, “I’ve got it momma! I reply, “Ok what is it?” I got the possum some microwave popcorn!” he says with excitement. I tell him, “Yep, if I were a possum I’d like microwave popcorn also. Excellent job!” I said.
What I continued to feel was the dread, like something bad was about to happen. Without alarming him I tell him that it’s time to go. By the time we get to the register I’m sweating, and my heart rate is through the roof. Copeland notices too. He said, “Momma, are you ok?” And I reply, “yea, we just need to quickly get out of here unnoticed.” The employee ringing up our items says, “Did ya’ll find everything you need?” Copeland said, “Yes ma’am. Me and my mom need to get out of here because she’s about to have a panic attack.” I could’ve crawled under the flooring. I paid and we finally left. Once we get in the car he asks, “Momma, do you want me to call your coach?” What you need to do is realize that you’re not in danger.” Ummm when did little boy get a degree in counseling? Eventually, the chest pains left, and I returned to normal. He says, “How about we go to Sonic and get slush? They always make me feel better when I’m thirsty.”
Within several minutes after getting our drinks we arrived back home. He takes their snacks into the Frat Pad to Marshall. “Where all did ya’ll go?” he asks. Copeland replies, “We went to Dollar Tree. And then we had to leave because momma started having another panic attack. She was scared and sweating. But we went to Sonic and got some drinks and now she feels better.”
Later, when the sun went down, I told Copeland, “Ok Copey. Are you ready to feed the possum?” He instantly got so excited. He tells me, “Oh yay! Let me finish my edamame!”
A few moments go by, and he said, “Mom, do you think possums like edamame?” I reply, “Son, I’m not a possum so I don’t know.” He said, “Ok, you make the popcorn, and I’ll get everything ready outside.” I cooked the popcorn and then walked outside where he’s been busy getting everything for said possum. He said, “Momma, look. I gave the possum the empty pods and made a trail so that it would find it easier.” That was the funniest explanation and vision that I will never forget.
The next morning Copeland wanted to see what was left of the gifts of popcorn and edamame pods feast. He said, “Look momma all the popcorn is gone! But it didn’t eat the edamame.” I tell him, “Son, it appears that he likes junk food more than vegetables.” “Good point. “he said.
Since then, we have named all the animals that come for a scrumptious visit. On Friday nights we always have microwave popcorn. And so do the members of the wildlife here at the Frat Pad. We now have four possums that visit. Their names are Luna, Cheddar, Bulldog and our newest possum Chicken. We also have three raccoons named Mr. Pickles, Pumpkin and Puddles. And a rat named Scratch. I continue to stress the point that they should never go outside and try to pet them because of how dangerous they can be and the diseases that they carry. I feed them some whenever I have leftovers. But when the boys come to stay with me, the Frat Pad comes alive. And we always take a minute to marvel at the beautiful wildlife that are also members of Camp Frat Pad.
“If we bring together the right people, communities can flourish, and wildlife can survive alongside them.”
“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
-Ray Romano
Light charcoal. Sprinkle the Sage. Negative energy go away! This next post will hopefully help you understand a little bit better about the relationship between the boys, me and our friends.
At the frat pad, me, the boys and whoever else wants to stop by for a visit are more than welcome. The “Frat Pad” is where we can all check out from reality by having fun and growing in our relationships. The adults can be kids if they want. We do so many cool things like nature walks, silly string war, gel blaster gun wars, water guns, slip n’ slide daytime and nighttime, campfire, roast marshmallow, fireworks, forts, bridges, playing in the creek, farting, nerf gun wars, burping, bathroom humor, swimming, movie nights, homemade ice cream and meals with friends, water gun wars, feeding and observing the wildlife.
We also have serious discussions about life. Currently, one of the biggest sources of entertainment is the topic of puberty. Another main attraction is that we feed a little snack on the porch to the local wildlife. And we enjoy watching every minute of it from inside in the ”safe zone” area in the house.
Good friends, good family and lots of fun is what “Camp Frat Pad” is all about. I let kids be kids and do what some aren’t allowed to do such as Staying up all night Which they never make it to sunlight o’ clock. And sometimes they eat ice cream and leftover cold pizza for breakfast. Of course, there’s always “Tink” and “Coco” who enjoy being the supervisory onlookers. And subsequently getting some much-needed attention from their crazy friends and brothers.
The times when they come for a visit, and I mean the very minute they enter my house. It’s Instantly transformed into a college frat house party. We talk, swim and do many other things. The boys’ main goal is to eat as much as their bodies can tolerate. And to play until they collapse. The goal is to let them and teach them to love and to appreciate being children.
They begin eating like starving feral dogs. There is a lot of bathroom humor. Copeland loves to be out in the woods with his beloved rubber boots. Before I bought him the boots, He would accidentally on purpose get his shoes wet playing by the creek.
Me: One day I was frustrated and said, “this house looks like a fraternity house!
Copeland asks “mom, what’s that?”
Me: “I tell them both, “when you go to college most places have houses where they drink a lot of alcohol and do some “whack-a-do things. They are called fraternity houses. Where only guys live. The times where I’ve gone to parties are loud and the houses are completely trashed. By the time you go back home my house looks like a comfortable place for squatters.
Copeland: “Cool momma! Can we have our own fraternity house?”
Me: “Of course. What would you like to name our fraternity house?”
Copeland: “I don’t know. I need your assistance coming up with a name.”
Me: “Well, how about if we try to come up with a name that has “Frat” in it?”
Copeland: “Ok. But Momma, what is another name for a house?”
Me: “A Pad.”
Copeland: “So it’s a frat pad?”
Me: “What if we called it “Camp Frat Pad?”
Copeland: “Perfect! Yay, I love Camp Frat Pad!”
Me: “Ok. At fraternity houses you must be accepted into the club before you can live there.”
Copeland: “How about at the frat pad anyone can be accepted if they need friends or if they want to place with toys, Xbox, and have snacks. The exception is not really sleeping here because we don’t have much room. If they’re adults that can sit by the fire and talk with you, Mrs. Robyn and Ms. Shelby?“
Me: “That’s a great idea, son! But what about in the summertime when it’s hot?”
Copeland: “They can come swimming with us. And then when we go back home you can get some pizza. And the adults can stay inside and talk where it’s air conditioned. DUH!!!!”
Me: “And if we don’t’ go back swimming that evening what would yall like to do?”
Copeland: “That’s simple. Make some homemade ice cream and we can play outside until its ready.”
Me: “What would yall play at night?”
Copeland: “We could play either Slip N’ Slide. Or a water gun war. Or a game that you can teach us. Mom, trust me we can find something to do. But we will be hungry again. Playing makes you hungry, you know.”
Me: “What do you think a good motto would be?”
Copeland: “A what?”
Me: “A motto.”
Copland: “What is that?”
Me: “It’s like a statement that makes up what Camp Frat Pad is all about.”
Copeland: “hmmmm…. I’m thinking.”
Me: “Think about what I allow you to do within boundaries.”
Copeland: “Something like when it rained a lot and you let me walk around in my boots and playing in the water?”
Me: “Exactly!” I knew what was about to say.
Copeland: “How about ‘Where everyone can be their self and have fun!”
Me: Copeland that is perfect!
So that, my friends, is what makes Camp Frat Pad so special! With the hustle and bustle of life and school sometimes you just need to take time out to enjoy and reignite the simple pleasures of life. There is nothing like sitting with your friends, roasting marshmallows, building bridges in the creek and hearing about how rude your older brother’s puberty is affecting little brother.
Thank you so much for reading this blog! Start from the beginning and experience the peaks and valleys with us.
“Some frat houses have a story. We have a legend.”
“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
―C.S. Lewis
Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Ok, I’m better. I have become obsessed with diamond painting and how soothing it is for me. And so is writing. I was working on a custom designed painting which was 15 inches x 23 inches. It consists of 40 assorted colors. And it was my first portrait. The design is, by far, the most intricate design pattern I have ever done. I spent close to 80 hours and around 50,000 pieces. I was very skeptical about how it would turn out. And my greatest fear was that I would put all the time and effort into only revealing itself looking like and melted and hammered moon pie. The shading was also nothing that I had experienced. I had already decided that no matter how it turned out, I would keep this one for myself. And from the beginning, it proved itself to be monumental. I had gotten into the mindset that I would pace myself. Taking my time is not usually something with which I can connect. I always want to get everything done in the first 3 hours. There were around 15-20 assorted colors and symbols being used sometimes one after the other. And I had an exceptionally long way to go. So, I decided what the best approach was and turned on the documentaries.
I’ve only shown a couple of people during the progress. I wanted it to be a surprise for everyone who saw it. I would hold it about five feet away so that I could try looking at the shading and definition. I must admit that after about ¼ of the way through I was thinking to myself, “this thing is going to be a disaster.” I kept looking at the full picture on the side of the fabric thinking, “this makes no sense.” Frustrated, I stayed to my plan and tried not to judge. But, rather, I stayed consistent.
Again, I re-evaluated at the end of the day or night. After a couple of days of work, I looked at it again. And it was finally taking shape. At that very moment, I said, “this is going to be epic!” I began noticing a great sadness come over me. And it took me a day or two of sitting with and deciphering what it all meant. The tears began flowing and before long I began understanding my biggest issue. I began sobbing as though I were a child. I pinpointed what I felt was an overwhelming since of despair. I soon realized that it was “the fear of abandonment.” This time it hurt more than I had experienced in quite a long time.
**It’s the glare of the light reflecting.**
When you deal with the effects of a trauma filled life your mind begins, at some point, it begins to purge itself. And it’s usually at the most inopportune times. Tink and Coco always walk in circles and begin meowing when I cry. And while one is always rubbing up against me, the other is pawing at me. I put my diamond tools to the side, and I took a few minutes just to try and figure out what was going on. I begin saying, “why do I always feel alone?” The sweetest and most loving voice speaks, “Look at what’s directly in front of you.” I looked up to see my brown, wooden cabinet with my scrapbooks in it. And, of course, cat tunnels. The level of compassion that I experienced I had never felt before. I love my coach dearly. And she is one of most compassionate people I’ve ever met. This was almost other worldly. And I’ll admit that it scared me initially. I even searched my head mates and asked, “Which one of you said that?” It was not a voice that I recognized. They all just looked at each other and said nothing. I began getting angry because it felt like a joke gone bad. And when you get rebellious teenagers together and they’re silent, it’s remarkably like when a toddler leaves the room and becomes silent. For safety reasons you must go check things out.
Again, I said, “I’m all alone, no matter how many people me are around! Now leave me alone!” The voice said one more time, “look directly in front of you.” I start looking around. And then I saw what the voice was telling me. The diamond painting that I was working on was a picture of Jesus holding onto the cross bloody and beaten after the scourging seen from the movie “The Passion of the Christ.” That was what I had custom made. I was speechless. I had a sense of relaxation that I have never felt. The voice said, “I never left you. And you were worth it.”
I’m still in shock about what I experienced. I felt a sense of safety that through abuse you don’t feel. I’m not a big religious person. I have been on all sides of it. And in many of my experiences with religion have been used as a weapon. But what I felt was not “religion. It was love.
“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hebrews 13:5 (KJV)
This Puzzled Life 