Manipulative

darnold1975

Domestic Violence: Why Didn’t They Just Leave?

“Trauma Bonding is like being a hostage who has developed an irrational affection for your captor. They can abuse you, torture you, even threaten to kill you, and you’ll remain inexplicably and disturbingly loyal.”

– Ann Clendening.

I posted this today to help give you a voice to your own abuser/abusers. I have been in therapy for many years, and sometimes, I even doubt these words. The problem is that we were so indoctrinated with their beliefs, comments, gas lighting, manipulation, and co-dependency that we formed a something called “trauma bonding.”

Trauma Bonding is an unhealthy emotional attachment that develops between a victim and their abuser. It is a complex issue that occurs in different abusive situations that include physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. But it’s also important to note that not everyone who goes through abuse forms a trauma bond. However, some people may be more prone to forming a trauma bond due to the early experiences as a form of repetition compulsion https://www.attachement project.com, 2025). This can happen in domestic abuse, child abuse, elder abuse, exploitative employment, kidnapping or hostage-taking, human trafficking, and religious extremism or cults (https://medical newstoday.com, 2023).

Characteristics of Trauma Bonding:

·        Intermittent Reinforcement: The abuser cycles between periods of abuse and kindness creating a sense of hope and dependence in the victim. Victims of abuse may be waiting for that next “feel-good moment” in the relationship that also keeps them trapped in a cycle of abuse and relief (https://www.domesticshelters.org, 2021).

v  This is also how many addictions keep you stuck. If everything were bad all of the time, you would grow tired and leave. But the intermittent reinforcement is how they maintain control.

·        Isolation: The abuser often isolates the victim from their support system, making them more vulnerable and reliant on the abuser ((https://medical newstoday.com, 2023).

v  I was not completely isolated physically from my support systems. But emotionally I was very isolated. He constantly told me that my friends and family didn’t have my best interest at hand. He would make up lies about things they said and assassinate their character behind their backs.

·        Fear and Insecurity: The victim experiences constant fear and insecurity, leading them to believe that they cannot escape the abusive situation (https://www.savantcare.com,2023).

v  The constant fear and insecurity that I experienced was, in fact, my prison cell. And I was afraid to leave even when the door was wide open.

·        Justification: The victim may rationalize the abuser’s actions or blame themselves for the abuse (https://thriveworks.com, 2024).

v  I was conditioned to believe that everything I did that made him angry was my fault. And it wasn’t. Now, I can see that his actions were because of his behavior, not mine.

·        Emotional Manipulation: The abuser uses emotional manipulation to control the victim’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (https://wondermind.com, 2023).

v  This right here was the #1 key factor for why I wouldn’t leave. He even told me, “No other man would ever put up with the things that I have to deal with in you. All of the good things about you, which aren’t many, are because of me. You are useless without me. I have given you everything you wanted. And disobeying me is the thanks that I get? Why do you need anti-depressants when there is no reason that you should be depressed.

Consequences of Trauma Bonding:

·        Difficulty leaving the abusive relationship.

·        Feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame.

·        Low self-esteem and trust issues.

·        Mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD (https://www.savantcare.com,2023).

Trauma bonding kept me trapped in an abusive situation. People have said, “Why didn’t you just leave?” The problem lies in the way they you manipulate you into believing that everything bad that happens, no matter how minor, is the victim’s fault. And day after day, their hold strengths without you even realizing it. And in my case, I felt as though I was responsible for their thoughts and feelings. I constantly strived to be “good enough” or “well deserving enough” to see the person that he told and showed me he could be when we met. And quite frankly, it was always just a game. Their abusive self is “the real them.” Believe your instincts and the colors in which they present themselves. For that is who they truly are.

If you have read through this and have never been in a situation where everything you do is being controlled, consider yourself lucky. But don’t you dare sit there and say, “It was their own fault that they didn’t leave.” That is one of the most callous things that you can say to someone who is currently trying to survive and those that have survived finally leaving that situation no matter how long it took.

You have absolutely no right to tell me or anyone else how we should feel simply because you have not experienced it. I stayed much longer than I should’ve. And there are times when I still beat myself up for it. Now though, I give myself some grace for not knowing how to leave or recognizing what was going on in plain sight. It’s not just one event that causes this. It’s something that happens every single day methodically planned and executed by the warden in the relationship.

Once you leave, I highly recommend getting into therapy. Just because you think that no damage has occurred, doesn’t mean that it hasn’t happened. Even now, 19 years later since I left him, I have phobias, anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, and difficulty making decisions. He has left a mark that will last a lifetime. And some of the things that he did I’ll never recover from. He once told me, “You’ll never be without me no matter what you do!” And the truth is that, while he still doesn’t have total control over me, I still allow parts of him to live rent free in my head.

The next post will be something that represents those of us who have managed to leave and have an understanding through therapy how and where to put the responsibility where it truly belongs, on them.

To those who are still in these types of relationships, I see you even when you don’t openly identify yourself. To those who have left and still live in fear, I see you and you’re not alone. To those of us who continue to strive to change those hard-core beliefs that were instilled by way of threats, intimidation, and violence, I see you as well. None of you are alone. And not all relationships are like this. 

Find a therapist that you trust and open your soul to them. Coach has been a lifeline of compassion and understanding for me that I’ve rarely experienced. And she has never made fun of or questioned why I didn’t leave. Unconditional support and her teachings have made life possible for me many lonely nights. I will probably always struggle with some things and that’s ok. This process is certainly a marathon instead of a sprint. And there is no time limit for healing. The whole point is to continue showing up and moving forward in whatever way that might take shape. You are not on an island like you think. There are millions of us both male and female who struggle with the effects and consequences of domestic violence and abuse.

You are loved. You are wanted. And you deserve the good things that life has to offer. Thanks for reading! And I hope you look for the next blog in a couple of days that I post that will help you begin to find your voice. The power to heal is now and ours.

Affirmation: My story has power and inspiration through it.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

 #Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Types Of Domestic Violence: The Final Chapter

“Don’t play his game. Play yours.”

-Rachel Caine, Fall of Night (The Morgancille Campires, #41)

TECHNOLOGY-FACILITATED ABUSE

  • Monitoring text messages, phone records, social media activity, and internet search history.
  • Preventing or forbidding a person from owning or having access to a phone or computer.
  • Sending abusive messages through text, email, social media, or other online platforms.
  • Using technology to track a person’s movements without their permission.
  • Using technology to gather personal information about someone without their permission.
  • Accessing or ‘hacking’ a person’s online accounts without their permission.
  • Impersonating a person online.
  • Using technology to share personal and private images or videos without consent.

v  Luckily, social media and the internet were fairly new things at that time. However, once we separated, he was very threatened through email.

STALKING AND HARASSMENT

  • Following and watching someone, for example watching them from a parked car.

v  I was stalked constantly. And he even went as far as to sit outside my job for the entire shift to make sure I didn’t eat any food that he didn’t approve.

  • Using technology to monitor their movements; this is also called tech abuse.
  • Sending unwanted gifts to a person’s home or workplace.

v  This was done whenever the cycle rolled back around to “love bombing.” He always gave me gifts and the same speech. However, it would only take a couple of days until he was right back to the same thing starting with verbal and emotional abuse.

  • Repeatedly making unwanted contact through phone calls, text messages, emails, social media and other messaging or chat apps.
  • Turning up, uninvited, at the person’s home or workplace, or at social activities.

v  He would always justify his actions with some type of excuse for why he showed up. And he was always lying. He always had a more sinister reason.

  • Installing spyware on a person’s digital devices to get private information, or to secretly record or video them.

v  He and his brother went so far as to tap the phone lines at our house to monitor who I was having conversations with.

  • Using webcams and other forms of video surveillance without the person’s knowledge or consent.

REPRODUCTIVE ABUSE

  • Preventing a person from using birth control or forcing them to have unprotected sex.

v  This happened from the very beginning. I was lucky that I never got pregnant.

Abusers will justify and create new ways of cruelty covered with beautiful paper and a beautiful bow. And to unsuspecting victims, they have no idea what kind of damage is done until many years down the road, if and when they get out and into therapy emphasising on  “deprogramming.” For years, I’ve questioned if what I experienced was true. And that’s the precipous of their game. They teach you how to doubt your own reality,

I left that horrible 14-year relationship, in 2006, battered and broken. Many of the wounds are still evident, and others are in various stages of healing. What I don’t need a degree to diagnose is how deep some of the wounds run. Being conditioned to be someone who you aren’t. And the constant walking on eggshells still wreaks havoc on my nervous system. And I still get overwhelmed  to the point of not being able to make everyday decisions that most take for granted.

What is unseen benefit? For a long time, I never knew the answer to that question. What I did learn was different aspects of human behavior and their “red flags.” Not just physical. But also verbal. I watch how they talk about their other friends and family. I watch non-verbal cues. I watch how they are on both good and bad days. I watch how they communicate. I watch how superficial they are and their intentions. I watch to see, in what ways, they poke fun at another person. Are they being silly or cruel? I watch to see if my needs are considered or is it just “lip service?” But above all, I watch for congruency. I watch behavior with a fine-toothed comb. And for the most part, if I sense that something is off, I’m out. Most of the time, I have to watch them for a little while before deciding about whether or not to end a relationship.

I now listen to my gut. Something that I rarely ever did because he made every decision. And I do mean every decision. My master’s degree never taught me to listen to my gut. Surviving cruelty did. I know what I see. I know what I experience. And your validation is not needed. Thanks for reading! And reach out for HOPE.

Affirmation: I deserve peace.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

No Kings 2.0

“There are no kings in America. Only gilded me we can topple again and again.”

-Aileen Cassinetto

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about our country for a moment. I don’t usually write much about politics on my blog. Social media is quite different. However, we are currently experiencing unprecedented times. Which is causing so much collateral damage that it could take several presidents to undo what is being done if that is even possible.

When my boys come to visit we always talk about current things like school, everyday life, personal wants, “would you rather” and the current political environment. And to be honest, I never thought I would have to explain basic human rights and how those are egregiously being destroyed. And now the decisions of a lot of Americans have put in power a want to be dictator.

I wrote a blog this past month that recently posted about how good we have it in our country. And now I must retract that statement by tell you that the United States of America, the threat to democracy and the very essence of our lives are now being tailored for a fascist society. And the “American Spirit,” which is not a person, is being made a mockery of the founding fathers’ original intentions. Let me break it down.

Our Foundational Ideas

·        Liberty and Independence: The freedom to think, speak, and act as one chooses without infringing on the rights of others.

·        Self-government: The belief that citizens are the ultimate source of authority and have the right to participate in the political process.

·        Equality: The idea that all people are created equal and deserve fair treatment, respect, and dignity, with equal opportunities for success.

·        Individualism: The belief that individuals are in control of their own destinies and can achieve self-sufficiency and independence through their own initiative (https:study.com, 2025).

Aspirations of the American Dream

·        The promise of opportunity: Anyone can achieve success through sacrifice, risk-taking, and hard work.

·        Upward social mobility: The change for individuals to attain a better life than their parents.

·        A “democracy of goods”: The notion that everyone should have access to material comfort and goods, a vision popularized in the 20th century (https://www.wikipedia.org, 2025).

I now must again explain to my children how racism, at its core, is just wrong in every way. And how the example of the highest position, in our once revered democracy is being dismantled one freedom and one right at a time. And how if someone disagrees with someone’s way of life, you must not fear and/or hate them. I have instructed my children from day one that people and families are unique individually. And just because of their uniqueness, it doesn’t mean that they are wrong. I don’t care about your skin color, religious affiliation, political affiliation, sexual orientation, ethnic background, or gender identity. However, what I don’t like are bullies. And currently we have a bully in power.

I don’t hate no matter how far left or far right you are on the spectrum. But the idea of hating and inciting violence against someone because they are different is not ok. Do I like people like Charlie Kirk? Hell no. Do I think that he deserved to be murdered based on his views, regardless of whether I agreed with him or the fact that he was a racist and a homophobe, never. But when your whole premise of the stage that you voluntarily inject yourself onto is about treating those you disagree with by tearing them down, bad things are bound to happen. And when political views and votes are more important than lives of our citizens and our beautiful immigrants, our tears begin to fall.

When the president of the United States who has 34 felony convictions, and whose best friends were  the vilest child sex trafficker and rapists this country has ever seen, while also having the support of others, it must be discussed and stopped. Jeffery Epstein and Ghislane Maxwell were convicted of some of the most horrible crimes against children. And it has been confirmed that Donald Trump’s name, as well as many others, were also listed in the Epstein files.

As a parent and someone who was also preyed upon by those in power, the only logical decision of our government should be to release the unredacted files and have total transparency. This  shouldn’t be a tall order. I see a lot of people online who voted for Donald talking about how evil Jefferey Epstein was. And how pedophiles should be held accountable, unless you talk about the high probability that Donald Trump is also connected to said crimes.

I have never seen so many lies and an obvious cover up by the United States government in my life. I don’t care whose names, whether they be democrats, republicans, independents or royalty, are on the list. They should all be held accountable. And for some of us, whose perpetrators were never held accountable, this is a national symbol of that fight for justice. And just maybe the bad guys get caught in the end and have to pay for their actions that have ruined upwards of a thousand children’s lives.

When you are forced into something as horrific as sexual abuse, your life is forever changed. You will never view the world as “safe” again. You will never look at the average person the same again. And the most intimate part of a person’s life and body are forever damaged. The lies and manipulation that one has to possess to accomplish these acts are more than I can comprehend.

It is my hope and prayer that whoever has taken part in actions consistent with pedophilia, rape and/or the coverup of these crimes will see the day when they are forced to be accountable for everything that they have turned a “blind  eye” to. I shouldn’t have to explain why blatant actions have been and continue to be ignored. I shouldn’t have to explain how and why our, once thriving and beautifully diverse country has systematically been sent down the tubes. And is also being controlled by a Russian dictator who is training our orange, “want to be dictator” in the ways of murdering democracy.

My children shouldn’t have to witness and be explained the purpose of “Alligator Alcatraz.” And how funny it is to the hard core “Triple Trumpers” MAGA movement. The only thing consistent are lies, deceit and the many times of the crashing of Grindr by down low politicians. Who are angry because they are scared of authenticity. I shouldn’t have to explain why our country is ok with standing by someone like Benjamin Netanyahu and watching as the genocide in Gaza continues. I shouldn’t have to explain why Vladamir Putin is allowed to continue with the horrific attacks on the people of Ukraine. I shouldn’t have to explain why a dictator across the pond poisons those that don’t agree with them. But here we are.

What I do have to explain are the constant sacrifices of our military service members, who many have laid down their lives for generations, in an effort to make sure that we retain those inalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And how and why the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution was formed. Even though the president of our country clearly knows nothing about said rights which was caught on camera many times. Why “No Kings Day” protests are so important. And how our once love for the “freedom of speech” is being allowed to now be censored.

With tears in my eyes, again, I write this. And the grief of my soul as I watch the sometimes-comical players in this mockery of a democratic government, keeps me up at night. And a lot of times, I laugh to keep from crying. But the videos of children and adults being starved to death is not something that we are accustomed to witnessing. I don’t believe that those who take away the rights of others should have rights of their own.

The tensions in this country of the blatant abuse of power by turning the military on our citizens is uncalled for and scary. And the depths of these fears, I do my best to shield my children from seeing. But they are not dumb. They ask questions and I try to explain them on an age-appropriate level.

I enjoy watching and posting the satire of some of these views. But make no mistake, I will constantly keep at the forefront of our conversations about the importance of such figures in the civil rights movement,  Nazi Germany, the extermination of the Jews in concentration camps and the importance of the Stonewall riots. And now, I must explain to them modern day concentration camps disguised as being something “good” for the American public.

People, life as we knew it is disappearing at a rapid rate. It is time for us as Americans to grow a spine and make a peaceful stand against tyranny. And this means doing “your part” in whatever way that looks. No longer is it ok to remain “neutral” as “neutrality” is now a vote for tyranny. You can make a choice to be red, blue or any color of the rainbow. And remember that staying neutral is also a choice. Our country is a collection of diverse groups of people, races, ethnicities, and religions creating One America. The colors that matter the most are the ones who are red, white, and blue.

Thanks for reading! And I hope that you, not only as an American, will stand up for what’s right instead of staying silent to what’s wrong. To our allies across the pond and abroad, your voices also matter. And I personally thank each and every one of you for not allowing the Epstein scandal to  go unnoticed. Keep standing for freedom my fellow Americans as will I. And to our diligent immigrants, I will continue to do my part to fight for your right to live the American Dream that most of us took for granted. Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Affirmation: I embrace the opportunities and freedoms in the United States to build the life I deserve.

 ***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Types Of Domestic Violence Part 3

“No amount of me trying to explain myself was doing any good. I didn’t even know what was going on inside of me, so how could I have explained it to them?

-Sierra D. Waters, Debbie

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today I want to continue talking to you about different types of domestic violence. Now let’s continue.

ELDER ABUSE

·        Physically or sexually assaulting the older person.

·        Physically restraining the older person, and limiting their ability to move around.

·        Preventing the older person from leaving the house or having contact with others.

·        Neglecting to provide basic necessities including food and medical care.

·        Using the older person’s money or property without their permission.

·        Forcing or pressuring the older person to alter documents such as a will.

LATERAL VIOLENCE

also known as ‘horizontal violence’ or ‘intra-racial conflict’. It is a mixture of historical, cultural and social dynamics that results in a range of behaviours. It is not just an individual’s behaviour. It can involve a group of people working together to attack or undermine individuals, families. Lateral violence doesn’t just refer to physical violence. It is also a form of coercive control and is related to social, emotional, psychological, economic and spiritual violence.

  • Malicious gossip
  • Group bullying
  • Social exclusion and isolation
  • Claims that the individual does not ‘belong’ in the group
  • Physical violence
  • Sexual violence.

*Each of these were done to be when both he and his brother worked as a team. They ruined my name to their friends and family. They told horrible lies about things that I had not done. They both knocked me down. Ripped my clothes. And started kicking me in both my stomach and my back. And if I was being too resistant to what my husband wanted, he would call his brother to threaten me in other ways by saying, “He would pay people to rape me until I couldn’t walk.” And when I went back to my husband and told him what was said he simply told me, “Well, I guess you shouldn’t have made him mad.” In essence, he called his brother and set the whole thing up.

LEGAL ABUSE

  • Preventing a person from getting legal help, including making false claims about their rights to legal protection.

·        Hiding or destroying legal documents and other evidence.

  • Making false reports.
  • Not complying with court orders.
  • Deliberately delaying legal procedures.
  • Deliberately running up large legal bills.

*He continually threatened me with legal action. I was told that no one would believe my claims about him because he hadn’t left one identifiable mark on me. And because I had been diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication that I was the one with the mental history. The fact still remains that he never had the balls to go to therapy about his own issues. Because all of his behavior was because of someone else. Had they gone, he would have a diagnosis of Narcissitic Personality Disorder and also labeled as a sociopath for his behavior that both he and his brother exhibited without a conscience. I think that’s why neither one of them ever got any help. Because they didn’t want a label that accurately described them.

FINANCIAL ABUSE

  • Forcing or pressuring a person to get a credit card or take out a loan against their wishes.
  • Using a person’s name to get a credit card or take out a loan, without their knowledge.

·        Controlling what a person can spend their money on.

v  He was so tight with money that you couldn’t slide a piece of notebook paper between the cheeks of his ass. I wasn’t allowed to spend money without permission. But he was able to buy whatever he wanted.

  • Controlling a person’s access to their own money, such as their wages or salary.

v  I was never allowed to keep or use my own money. He would come up to my jobs and I was expected to hand over my checks. I was given $20 per week and was told, “Don’t let me find out that you’re eating food that I would allow.”

Affirmation: I am not alone in this experience.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Types Of Domestic Violence Part 2

“An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep producing more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.”

-Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today I want to go over more types of domestic violence. I know that this topic is not an easy one to face. However, domestic abuse occurs in more homes than you realize. Maybe in your own home.

VERBAL ABUSE

·        Ridiculing or humiliating someone.

v  If he were alive and breathing, this would happen from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed.

·        Criticizing their appearance, intelligence, sexuality, religious beliefs, or ethnicity.

v  This happened all the time. I was constantly told that I was dumb and retarded.

·        Criticizing their actions as a partner or parent.

v  All day and every day. The worst was at night and on the weekends. I got blamed for his bad golf game. He had this idea that he was Tiger Woods. And he very clearly wasn’t. But it was always because of something I did that made him play bad. In reality, he just sucks at the game.

·        Using cruel or abusive nicknames.

v  He and his brother always had cruel nicknames for me.

·        Swearing at someone.

v  Most people cuss when they get mad. However, he and his brother were relentless in their attacks.

·        Yelling or screaming at someone.

v  Again, I think that a certain amount would be considered normal. However, screaming and hollering at me for everything little thing was how they both operated.

SOCIAL ABUSE

·       Stopping someone from seeing or contacting their friends and family.

v  He didn’t physically stop me. However, it was very clear that I was not leaving the house without specific information about where I was going and what I was doing. And if that wasn’t what he wanted, I was told not to go at all.

·       Stopping someone from going to social or community activities.

v  Unless he went with me, I was told, “No. You don’t need to go do that.”

·       Preventing someone from having contact with people who speak their language or share their culture.

·       Making someone move away from friends, family, or work opportunities.

 

·       Controlling a person’s use of phone or computers.

v On more than one occasion, when I went to call for help from police, he would unplug the phone so that I couldn’t use it.

·       Checking or stopping their mail, phone calls, text messages, emails, social media and other messaging or chat apps.

v  Luckily, there was not much of this that was available at the time. There was barely internet, and I better not have an email address. I had a Nokia cellphone which he checked constantly.

·       Telling lies or spreading false information to damage a person’s reputation.

v  This happened all the time. Especially when he talked to his family. The smear campaign was always in action.

·       Using someone’s intersex status, sexuality, gender expression, transgender, or HIV status against them.

v  He never knew that I was a lesbian. Hell, why would I tell him when the violence was bad enough.

·       Forced marriage

v  The day of my wedding, I knew that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I was frozen with fear. But it was what he continually pushed for marriage. And I eventually gave in. Biggest mistake of my life!

·       Stalking

v  This happened every single day. If it wasn’t him, it was his friends and family who did the stalking. At the end of the day, I was questioned about everything that I had done and was told, “Well, what about when you were walking around in that store.” He knew every move that I made. It even got so bad that he knew what I had eaten during the day.

SPIRITUAL, RELIGIOUS OR CULTURAL ABUSE

  • Preventing someone from practicing and being connected to their culture.
  • Stopping someone from going to their place of worship.
  • Stopping someone from having contact with other people who share their beliefs.
  • Stopping someone from celebrating days of cultural or spiritual significance.
  • Stopping someone from sharing their beliefs and traditions with their children.
  • Stopping someone who is Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander from returning to Country or having contact with kin.
  • Stopping someone who has family connections outside Australia from visiting or connecting with family or community overseas.
  • Ridiculing someone’s beliefs or traditions.
  • Forcing someone to do things that are against their beliefs, like eating certain foods or wearing certain clothes.
  • Forcing someone to marry.

The pressure was definitely applied when I was undecided.

  • Forcing someone to take part in spiritual practices in which they don’t believe.
  • Forcing someone to raise their children according to beliefs they don’t agree with.
  • Using or claiming to use spiritual or religious beliefs:

Let me just say this about him and his spiritual practices. He always went through the motions and played the part. He even pretended to get “saved” and was baptized. However, that was as far as it went. Because when we got home the abuse continued to happen. But now he had a Bible to justify his actions.

Thanks again for reading! I hope I was able to share a little lighter on the subject of domestic violence. There is help and hope after abuse. Reach out for the love and respect that you deserve. Keep moving forward!

Affirmation: I will not shrink.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Types of Domestic Violence

“If you aren’t silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

-Zora Neale Hurston

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk to you about some of the behaviors that fit under the umbrella of domestic violence. It wasn’t until I  was out of the relationship for a while before I began to see  information validating  what I always knew. This is not comprehensive list by any means. 

COERCIVE CONTROL OR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

·        Control who a person sees, wears and where they go. 

v  This was considered normal in my relationship. He dictated everything that I wore. If I chose what I wanted to wear, he would tell me to,  “go change. You look ridiculous.” And I was afraid to go somewhere without asking his permission.

·        Monitor or track what a person does. 

v  This was also something that was done on a daily  basis. He would call me wherever I was supposed to be and verify it by employees.

·        Control a person’s finances, medicine, food, or exercise.

v  He always told me that I was not allowed food that he didn’t approve. And I was required to be at the gym at 5:30 am every morning. And he would call and speak with those employees about what type of exercise I was doing. I was also not allowed to spend any money without permission.

·        Force someone to have sex or do sexual things.

v  I was never given the option to make that choice. I was threatened if I even spoke about that.

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

·        Hitting, punching, kicking, bashing, shoving, or pushing.

This happened more times than I can count. He did kick me in the face. But when he and his brother teamed up together, it was worse. The main reason is because my husband didn’t want to say that he participated. And because they always threatened and intimidated me into silence, I never said anything. His brother was his “yes man.” And my husband pulled the strings.

·        Spitting on someone or pulling hair.

·        Choking or suffocating.

v  This typically happened during forced sex. Or whenever his brother would get mad at me, he would choke me as a form of intimidation.

·        Throwing things at or near someone.

·        Using a weapon.

v  This was always pointed at me or laid out somewhere as a form of threats and intimidation.

·        Locking someone in or out of space.

v  This was often done to show control.

·        Stopping someone from eating, sleeping, or having medication they need.

v  Every piece of food had to be given an account. One of his favorite things he would allow me to have for a snack was ten olives and ten pistachios. He would come home from work and completely berate me if I weren’t already up. And it didn’t matter that I had just worked a 24-48 shift. He always told me that medication was a crutch. He got mad because I had been given muscle relaxers for a hurt back and proceeded to kick me in the face and throw my medication out into the rain. I was also not allowed to take any psychiatric meds for depression or mood stabilization because, “why do you need anti-depressants when I’m so good to you? And what if someone finds out that you’re taking this? I don’t want anyone knowing that my wife is crazy. Then it makes me look bad. Why don’t you care about that?”

·        Forcing someone to drink or take drugs.

v  I did this on my own to help deal with being under his crazy world of control.

SEXUAL VIOLENCE

·       Touching or kissing someone without their consent.

v I was made to accept his advances. 

·       Pressuring or forcing someone to have sex or do something sexual without their consent.

v  I was told, “Either you give it to me, or I’ll take it. Either way, I’m getting what I want. Make your decision.” Many times, I was bruised or bleeding by the time he was done with me. I had no voice in any matter. He was the “warden,” and I was his “prisoner.” My whole sexual relationship with him was simply RAPE.

·       Pressuring or forcing someone to have sex without protection such as a condom.

v I was told early on, “I’m not using protection because it burns my dick. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t  put stipulations on how I fuck you.”

*I know this is explicit. However, I want you to get an accurate description of the situation.*

IMAGE-BASED ABUSE

·        Sharing private images of a person without their consent, for example images of them undressing or showering.

·        Sharing culturally inappropriate images of a person, for example images in which they do not wear items of clothing that they would normally wear in public.

·        Sharing intimate or sexualized images of a person without their consent.

·        Producing and sharing images that have been digitally altered to suggest a person is nude or engaged in sexual activity.

·        Threatening to do any of these things.

        *I found out later on that his brother would secretly be filming or watching us having sex.*

EMOTIONAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

·        Criticizing a person and their choices or actions.

v  In his mind, he thought that I was too stupid to make decisions that were considered “correct.” All he ever told me what how stupid and retarded I was.

·        Isolating a person form their friends or their family.

v  Some friendships I lost forever because they just thought that I abandoned them. What they failed to see was that I would get accused of all kinds of stuff if I disobeyed him. Those who have never been in an abusive situation can’t comprehend losing your power to stand up for yourself. It was just easier to do what he said. Some former friends haven’t even talked to me since that time. And that is about them not me.

·        Threatening to harm a person, their family, their friends, their pets, or their belongings.

v  He always made threats about things he would and could do with keepsakes or my innocent animals. And if he and his brother didn’t feel that I was getting the picture, they would show up at my parents’ house and start harassing them.

·        Threating them to share personal or private information, such as sexuality, gender identity, personal health, or visa status (https://www.act.gov.au/community/domestic-family-and-sexual-violence/types-of-domestic-and-family-violence, 2025).

This topic will be spread over a few blogs. As you can see, when I add personal experience, the blog gets much longer. Stay patient and learn from this. It’s a hell that most people can’t understand. And I’m telling you that it’s all true. I was living in a prison without visible bars. Thanks for reading! And watch for the second part in the coming days.

Affirmation: I remember that it is ok to ask for help and receive support.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

“Never stop fighting for your freedom, you are worth it.”

-DA Survivor-Anon

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negativity energy, go away. Today is the beginning of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This month is when our voices from all over the globe will be heard. We as victims, survivors and warriors bring to light the horrors of domestic violence and the impact that it leaves on our lives and those around us. Let’s take time out for a little education on a few of the topics surrounding domestic violence.

Domestic Violence is a topic that I know a lot about. Well, I know how to function in it. And I know how to get away from it. But living with the aftereffects reveal a whole other set of problems. Where domestic violence used to be seen as something that only happens to women and their partners. There is more awareness on the abuse of men by their partners. No matter how you identify. It also happens to the most innocent, children and pets. This happens in all forms of relationships. And the statistics are staggering.

Domestic violence is violence committed by someone in the victim’s domestic circle. Which include partners and ex-partners, immediate family members, and other relatives and family friends (https://www.UN.org, 2025). The behaviors can include such things as:

·        Physical

·        Sexual

·        Emotional

·        Financial

·        Psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.

This includes any behavior that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. The repetitive exposure to violence teaches children that violence is a normal way of life (https://dvcc.delaware.gov, 2025). And for those of us who leave, constant confusion and every minute of no knowing when something else will happen again, is our normal. And the many years of programming by our abusers takes years of therapy to de-program ourselves. But you will never be who you used to be.

Recovery is not for the faint of heart. It is hard and uncomfortable. And it takes years to undo the damage that was caused on so many levels. I was one of the lucky ones. Long story short, I survived. But the mental damage that was caused has left me crippled in some ways. And through the sleepless nights filled with tears, therapy, psychiatric medications, body memories, flashbacks, phobias, and panic attacks, I have learned that I have a voice that deserves to be heard. And no matter what people say or believe, I can validate my own story regardless of the opinions of others. Because I lived it. 

The main thing I want to say to other women and men across the globe who are still in their own processes, “YOU ARE NOT ALONE!” Because it happened to me too. Thanks for reading! Keep smiling and pushing forward.

Affirmation: My light shines even in the dark.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

Featured darnold1975

What Are Your Family Dynamics? 

“In every conceivable manner, the family is a link to our past, bridge to our future.”

-Alex Haley

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk about something personal, our families. I know. It makes my skin crawl as well. Part of the “icky” feeling we get when we discuss our families is because we know, in some unique way, we have a dysfunctional family. And we are also taught, especially in the south, to keep family business within the family. This includes race, gender and sexuality. And if it’s not what the family allows, sometimes for generations, it’s all to be kept secret. But what does that accomplish?

Let us first look at what family dynamics are. They are composed of behavioral and relational patterns that determine how members interact with each other and in society. And these patterns are passed down through generations. Family dynamics can be healthy or unhealthy. And they also largely influence someone’s self-perception, relationships and well-being (mywellbreing.com, 2025).

Three examples of family dynamics are Healthy, Dysfunctional and Toxic.

Healthy Family Dynamics: This is where there is open communication, mutual respect, clear boundaries, honesty about feelings healthy and supportive environment for growth . And I would venture to say that most families don’t fit into this category.

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics: This involves poor communication, lack of boundaries, unhealthy behaviors, and emotional neglect (psychologytoday.com, 2025). This is where my family seems to fit like a glove.

Toxic Family Dynamics: This includes controlling behaviors, abuse, neglect or addiction and can significantly harm the well-being of family members (therapygroupdc.com, 2024). And sadly, my family fits in nicely with some of this category also.

 I will go much more in-depth in this blog series about family dynamics. My own family doesn’t even come close to fitting into “healthy” family dynamics. Also, over generations the behaviors passed down will change in some way. Families think that “their” way is the only way. And overtime that has been the accepted way of thinking. But does that foster growth? Growth will never be fostered in family relationships if those types of criteria are not met. And having “perceived” healthy relationships among three out of four members of a family is NOT “Healthy Family Dynamics.”

I don’t know what is so difficult for people to understand about this. But when “dysfunction” is accepted as the new “healthy” it is only a matter of time before the breakdown in the family unit begins to happen. And this being allowed to go on for years, can create bitterness, resentment, fear, loss and chaos. Even at this point, families like my own, refuse to acknowledge the hurtful tactics used as a way of functioning and breed only toxicity. This will eventually breakdown the family until there is nothing that can be repaired.

Stay tuned as I dive even deeper into family dynamics and how we function. As always, take what you can use and leave the rest. Stay safe. Keep Smiling. And Keep Moving Forward!

Affirmation: I am worthy of love and respect, even when faced with difficult family dynamics.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What Is Narcissism? Part 2

“The Narcissist wants the authority of a king while having the accountability of a toddler.”

-Haryo Aswicahyono

My ex-husband and his brother are both very narcissistic in the way that they manage everything. They are not men. They are boys with very fragile egos that were destroyed by their father. Nothing they ever did was good enough for him. And his explosive anger was the way that he maintained control.

Their was also raised by narcissistic uncles that taught him the only way to raise kids is to beat them into submission. That is also how his grown children operate. If they don’t get what they want, they abuse their victim until submission is achieved. And my ex-husband was that way in every area of his life. Because physically they’re both just broken-down old men who use threats and intimidation. Because they would get beaten physically in a fight. 

Where was their mother? Well, she was an uneducated homemaker for many years. And where was she to go or to do? Her circumstances didn’t allow her to take three children and leave. The services were just not available then. But what it caused was continuous trauma to others. If someone doesn’t put a stop to it then the abuse continues to multiply like cancer until it becomes the norm. Then, they become accustomed to what is now their normal life and anyone who challenges that must pay in whatever way they see fit. 

I finally got enough and left. But his brother’s wife continues to take emotional abuse. I went into my next relationship and the mark of his abuse also crept in. I decided that I was where the effects of his abuse would cease to continue. And it’s been an arduous process the last twenty or so years in therapy. The way I got though life was so distorted once I was able to step back and realize all the damage that he caused. The most difficult part of living through it is that the PTSD that I sustained from his emotional, financial, sexual and religious abuse continues to affect me today. And sometimes the simplest of things are monumental. 

I’m one person who has been through this. And there are millions more people, both men, women and children who are subjected to a malignant narcissist like I was. Will everyone get help that can be so beneficial? Absolutely not. And then the cycle will continue for another generation that are busy building more narcissists. 

Oh, the kids can grow up to be successful in spite of the narcissism. Just look at our president. He oozes with narcissism, and he has a cult of followers who don’t see it either. It is all about his personal gain that is disguised as “Making America Great Again.” Those of us who have been abused by a narcissist can identify the “gas lighting” and “manipulation” a hundred miles away. Because some of the same statements and attitudes came out of my ex-husband’s mouth. 

Narcissists rarely get help because they never see fault in themselves. They are great at dishing it out. But they absolutely cannot handle it being done to them. He very much wanted to be seen as some kind of a “big boy.” However, he had the emotional maturity of a toaster. My sons are already better men at 10 and 13 years old than he is at 68 years old.

So, I ask you, “How do I support someone like that? I’ve already been through its multiple times in my life. And if you really want to find out the total damage that has been caused to me by way of the narcissists in my life, I’ll let you talk to my therapist who continues to see me struggle years later.”  Thanks for reading! Stay educated. Stay safe. And keep smiling!

Affirmation: I resolve to walk away from situations where someone lies, refusing to engage with truth benders or gas lighters.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

What Is Narcissism?

“Narcissism is a cover for a very weak self-image.”

-Dian Grier, LCSW

 Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Today, I want to talk about narcissism. This doesn’t just occur in world leaders. This occurs within our family members and those we meet along the way. And narcissist abuse will leave a mark on all of its unsuspecting victims.

Before I go any further, I want to tell you about the specifics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a diagnosis. Let me see if I can describe these types of individuals, so that you will have a better understanding about what to look for. One thing to note about a narcissist is that they enjoy criticizing others for any little thing. However, if you begin to criticize anything about them, they will quickly lash out with discontent.

First, we must understand the difference between “personality” and “personality disorder.” Someone’s personality is influenced by experiences, environmental and hereditary. A healthy personality allows someone to cope with the normal stresses of life while developing and maintaining satisfying relationships. However, when long term patterns of thinking and behavioral responses are rigid, inflexible, and cause stress and impairment in functioning, the personality is considered “disordered.” To be classified as a disorder the person’s way of thinking, feeling and behaving deviates from the expectations of the culture while also causes distress or problems functioning and lasts over time. The behavior typically begins in late adolescence into early adulthood (psychiatry.org, 2024).

 The criteria for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) defines the disorder as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” Beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. To meet criteria for a diagnosis there must be at least five of the nine criteria. Having a grandiose sense of self-importance, such as exaggerating achievements and talents, expecting to be recognized as superior even without commensurate achievements.

They believe that they are “entitled” to special privileges and have unrealistic expectations for  special treatment.

 Demanding excessive admiration

·         They crave excessive attention from others. And they seek validation and applause for their perceived achievements and abilities.

Sense of entitlement

Exploitation behaviors

  They take advantage of others to achieve their own goals. And they lack concern for the harm they cause doing it.

Lack of empathy

They struggle to understand the feelings and needs of others while also dismissing or minimizing their experiences.

Envy towards others or belief that others are envious of them.

They want to see others envious of them.

Inability to handle criticism.

Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, and idealization.

Belief in being “special” and that they can only be understood by or associated with other  high-status people (or institutions).

 They struggle to accept criticism or feedback and become defensive and angry when confronted.

Fragile Self-Esteem

Despite their appearance of how they exude  confidence, they really have a very fragile sense of self-worth and are overly sensitive to criticisms.

Arrogant behaviors and attitudes(StatPearls Publishing, 2025 January).

Childhood trauma is one of the most common types of traumas that can contribute to the development of narcissism. And it can include things such as physical, emotional and sexual abuse, neglect and abandonment. When a child is subjected to things like this, the mind has to find a “work around” for dealing with the emotions. Some children deal with these seemingly “threatening” feelings and emotions by developing a sense of entitlement, a need for control, and a lack of empathy towards others.

This is exactly who my ex-husband is. Trying to form a close emotional bond with him was like trying to hug an iceberg. There was just nothing ever there. He got mad and pretended to empathize with others. The fact of the matter is that he considered him “the best” at everything. And he made a point to criticize everyone he had contact with once they left. He and his brother were at the mercy of his father’s physical and emotional abuse that was a direct result of his own narcissism. I’ve known and been around them all and I can tell you that it’s like being around the “Narcissism Entourage.”  

I will post part 2 in the next few days. Keep reading. Keep Smiling. And always remember, “Tomorrow is another day to begin again.”

Affirmation: I am embracing my journey towards healing and growth.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife