Comedian

darnold1975

Operation: Irish Extraction  The Great Leprechaun Capture Mission

“If you hear screaming, it’s either a leprechaun or me realizing my cats have a plan.”

-This Puzzled Life

Light the candles. Hide the valuables. Say a prayer for the drywall. Today’s blog begins with a level of chaos I did NOT sign up for. My three cats launching a full‑scale military operation to capture a leprechaun, and I am simply a bystander in my own home. And they are treating it like a joint military operation, a church potluck, and a felony all at once. And that’s when I knew this day was going to require caffeine, prayer, and possibly legal representation. Welcome to St. Cat‑rick’s Day: Chaos Edition.

I walked into the living room this morning and found all three cats sitting in a circle like they were planning a coup. Piper had a shoelace. Coco had a clipboard she definitely stole. Tinkerbell had reading glasses on, which is concerning because she does not need reading glasses.

Tinkerbell: “Ladies, today we hunt for gold.” 

Coco: “And possibly a small magical man.” 

Piper: “Can I bite him?”

Tinkerbell: “This meeting is now in session. Our objective? Capture a leprechaun.”

Coco: “Alive. Preferably. But we’ll see how the day goes.”

Piper: “Can I eat him?”

Tinkerbell: “No. We do not eat magical creatures.”

Piper: “Then what’s the point?”

Piper jumped onto the coffee table, knocking over a candle and three of my remaining brain cells. She unrolled a crumpled piece of paper with her teeth. It was a drawing. A terrible one.

Piper’s Plan was to dig hole. Put leaf on hole. Wait. Bite ankles.

Coco: “That’s not a plan. That’s a felony.”

Piper: “It’s called strategy.”

Tinkerbell: “It’s called jail time.”

Coco strutted forward like she was presenting at a Fortune 500 shareholders meeting. She clicked a laser pointer at a diagram labeled: 

“OPERATION: IRISH EXTRACTION”

Coco’s Plan was to Lure leprechaun with Lucky Charms. Replace marshmallows with catnip. When he gets high enough to see God, we take the gold.

Tinkerbell: “Coco, that’s entrapment.”

Coco: “Correct.”

Tinkerbell cleared her throat like a professor about to ruin everyone’s day.

Tinkerbell’s Plan was to negotiate. Offer him a fair trade. If he refuses, unleash Piper.

Piper: “I bite ankles.”

Tinkerbell: “Exactly.”

After 45 minutes of scheming, Coco suddenly froze.

Coco: “Wait. How big is a leprechaun?”

Tinkerbell: “Small. Human‑shaped. Magical.”

Piper: “So, snack‑sized?”

Coco: “No, Piper. Focus. If he’s human shaped, that means he has thumbs.”

All three cats gasped.

Tinkerbell: “Thumbs… the forbidden fruit.”

Coco: “We can’t defeat a creature with thumbs. He can open doors.”

Piper: “He can open the treat bag.”

The room fell silent. This was now a national emergency.

Tinkerbell: “We don’t capture the leprechaun. We hire him.”

Coco: “As our butler.”

Piper: “Treat butler.”

Tinkerbell: “Exactly. We offer him a job in exchange for his gold and his thumbs.”

Coco: “And if he refuses…”

Piper: “I bite ankles.”

My cats are not catching a leprechaun. They are unionizing to recruit one. And honestly I’m afraid they might succeed. That, dear readers, is how I discovered my cats were running an unsanctioned military operation in my living room. I’m just over here trying to drink my coffee while Piper drafts war strategies in crayon. Coco files paperwork with an authority she absolutely does not have. And Tinkerbell sighs like she’s the only adult in a daycare full of feral toddlers.

If you think this story ends here, bless your heart. Because the leprechaun hasn’t even shown up yet. And when he does oh, honey. Part Two is coming, and it’s about to get louder, greener, and significantly more illegal. Stay tuned because the chaos is just stretching.

Affirmation: I am calm, even when my cats declare war on magical creatures.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#ThisPuzzledLife

darnold1975

The Day My Cats Politely Invited Chuckles Schumer & Hakeem Jeffries to Go Sit Down Somewhere

“My cats said they’re not being dramatic. They’re simply providing live‑action accountability theatre, and honestly I believe them.”

-This Puzzled Life

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Let the ancestors pull up a folding chair and witness this foolishness with us. Because today? Oh, today my cats have decided democracy needs a tune‑up, a talking‑to, and possibly a timeout. 

 I woke up this morning thinking I was going to drink my coffee in peace, maybe stare out the window like a Victorian widow waiting on a ship that ain’t coming. But no. My cats had other plans. These furry little Mississippi revolutionaries marched into my kitchen like they were about to brief the United Nations. Tails high, whiskers twitching, and a level of determination usually reserved for toddlers with markers.

I was minding my business when my cats, Piper, Coco, and Tinkerbell, held what they called an “emergency household caucus.” Before I could even say “who knocked over the sweet tea,” they announced they had business with the corporate Democrats. That’s when I knew my day was already off the rails.

Piper strutted in first, tail high, wearing the expression of a cat who has read too many think pieces and is now dangerous. Coco followed, dragging a legal pad like she was preparing to depose somebody. Tinkerbell brought snacks because she believes all political action should include refreshments.

They hopped on the kitchen table like they were about to brief the press.

Piper began by saying, “Mother,” “we have concerns about the corporate Democrats.” Now, I don’t know who taught my cats the phrase corporate Democrats, but I suspect it was the ancestors. They stay whispering through these animals.

Coco cleared her throat. “We, the Feline Coalition for Chaos and Accountability, would like to formally request that Chuckles Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries step down from leadership.”

I blinked. “Step down? Why?”

Tinkerbell raised a paw like she was in Sunday school. “Because, Mother, they keep giving speeches that sound like they were written by a committee of tired interns and a malfunctioning printer. We deserve leadership with claws.”

Piper nodded vigorously. “Also, Chuckles keeps doing that thing where he smiles like he’s about to announce a sale on orthopedic shoes. It’s unsettling.”

Coco flipped her legal pad open. “And Hakeem Jeffries keeps delivering those alphabetized speeches like he’s auditioning for a Sesame Street reboot. We respect the craft, but the vibes are off.” I tried to reason with them. “Y’all can’t just tell national leaders to step down.”

Piper: “Why not? They tell everybody else what to do.”

Coco: “We’re simply offering them the opportunity to rest. They look tired. They look like they need a sabbatical and a weighted blanket.”

Tinkerbell: “And a casserole. They need a casserole.”

Then Piper hopped onto the counter, puffed her chest out, and declared, “We propose a new era of leadership, The Cat Majority.” Coco added, “We will govern with transparency, accountability, and snacks.” Tinkerbell chimed in, “And naps. Mandatory naps.”

At this point, the ancestors were laughing so hard I could feel the floorboards vibrating. The cats drafted a letter paw‑printed, of course, inviting Chuckles and Hakeem to “step aside gracefully and go enjoy a nice porch swing somewhere.” They even offered to send them home with a starter pack that consists of  a quilt, a jar of pickles, and a coupon for a free cat cuddle.

“Mother,” Piper said, “we’re not trying to be rude. We’re trying to be helpful.” Coco nodded. “Sometimes leadership means knowing when to pass the laser pointer.”

These cats stay teaching boundary wisdom. So, if you hear rumors that three Mississippi cats have launched a political action committee dedicated to refreshing Democratic leadership, just know that I tried to stop them. I really did. And they personally asked me to leave you with this, “May your leaders be bold, your snacks be plentiful, and your naps be protected by law.”

And that’s how I found myself standing in my own kitchen, barefoot, holding a biscuit, watching my cats draft a politely chaotic memo encouraging national leaders to go sit down somewhere and rest their spirits. I didn’t approve it, but I also didn’t stop it. Because honestly? Once the Feline Caucus for Accountability gets rolling, even the ancestors step back and say, “Baby, let them handle it.”  

If you hear rustling in the political bushes, don’t worry. It’s just my cats, armed with clipboards, snacks, and the audacity of creatures who sleep 18 hours a day but still think everyone else needs to do better.

In the end, after all the paw‑pointing, clipboard slapping, and snack‑based deliberations, my cats looked me dead in my human face and said, “Mother, sometimes leadership just needs to rotate like a cast‑iron skillet.” Then they sashayed off with tails high, and whiskers smug. And leaving me standing in my own kitchen like a confused extra in a political reboot of The Aristocats. And that’s when it hit me. If three house cats with no jobs, no taxes, and no respect for closed doors can demand accountability with this much confidence, then surely the rest of us can too. And with that, the Feline Caucus adjourned. Mic dropped. Claws retracted. And democracy slightly improved. Thanks for reading! Keep resisting. And ask for a change in leadership.

Affirmation: “Today I move with the confidence of a cat knocking something off the counter. Unbothered, intentional, and fully prepared to blame gravity.”

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#ThisPuzzledLife

darnold1975

The Cats Have Beads And I Have Regrets

“Cats at Mardi Gras don’t follow the parade. They become the parade, by collecting beads, chaos, and admirers with every classy decision.”                                                                       

-Unknown                              

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. I should probably sage my area twice after the way my cats acted at Mardi Gras. So, that means we are unleashing the FULL‑POWER, CATEGORY 5, LOUISIANA‑CERTIFIED, CAT‑LED MARDI GRAS CHAOS. Buckle up. The beads are flying.

Piper woke up at 4:12 AM, standing on my chest like a possessed raccoon.

Piper: “Get up. We have a city to embarrass.”

She had already packed, in her bag, a chicken nugget she found under the couch, a Mardi Gras mask she stole from your closet, and a crumpled receipt she insists is “legal documentation.” Coco walked in wearing a robe like a Real Housewife of the Deep South. Tinkerbell entered last, dragging a rosary and a Ziploc of Goldfish crackers.

Coco: “I expect VIP treatment. And a float. And a man named Boudreaux.”

Tinkerbell: “I’m not saying I’m worried. I’m saying I’ve updated my will.”

Piper pressed every button in the car like she was trying to hack the Pentagon.

Piper: “WHAT DOES THIS DO? OH LOOK! THE CAR IS SCREAMING. WE’RE FAMOUS!”

Coco rolled down the window and let the wind hit her like she was filming a shampoo commercial.

Coco: “If anyone asks, I’m a celebrity. You’re my assistant.”

Tinkerbell buckled herself in and whispered,” Jesus take the wheel. Literally.”
And the moment the door opened, Piper shot out like a bottle rocket dipped in espresso. Coco strutted behind her, tail high, sunglasses on, giving the city her best “you’re welcome.”

Piper: “THE AIR SMELLS LIKE SPICE AND POOR DECISIONS. I BELONG HERE.”
Coco: “Someone bring me a hurricane. And a man with a boat.”

Tinkerbell approached a street musician and sat politely.

Tinkerbell: “Play something soothing, baby. My nerves are fried.”

Within minutes, the cats were ON a float. Not allowed. Not invited. Just… on it. Piper was leading chants like she was running for governor. And she also tried to flash her nonexistent cat boobs for beads, and now she’s beefing with the New Orleans Police Department.

Piper: “THROW ME BEADS OR I’LL STEAL YOUR SNACKS!”

It started innocently enough. Piper saw a woman flash her chest and receive 14 strands of beads and a standing ovation. Piper, never one to be outdone, climbed onto a balcony, puffed out her fur, and screamed:

Piper: “PREPARE YOUR BEADS, MORTALS. I’M ABOUT TO MAKE HISTORY.”

She then attempted to “flash” by dramatically lifting her front paws and turning in a circle like a confused rotisserie chicken. Unfortunately, a nearby cop did not find this performance amusing.

Officer (into walkie): “We’ve got a situation. It’s… a cat. Attempting nudity.”

Piper was issued a verbal warning and told to “keep it classy.” She was so salty about the whole thing that she spent the rest of the parade refusing to wave, refusing to smile, and refusing to acknowledge the crowd.

Piper (arms crossed, tail twitching): “I COULD’VE BEEN LEGENDARY. BUT NOOOO. APPARENTLY ‘FUR CLEAVAGE’ ISN’T A THING.”

She sat on the float like a disgraced pageant queen, wearing 3 pity beads and a look that could curdle milk. Coco tried to cheer her up by tossing beads and blowing kisses.

Coco: “Smile, darling. You’re still famous. Just… not in a legal way.”

Tinkerbell handed her a beignet and whispered

Tinkerbell: “Eat this and let it go. You’re not the first woman to get rejected by Bourbon Street.”

Coco was posing dramatically, letting the wind hit her like she was starring in a perfume ad called “Regret.”

Coco: “Take my picture. No, not that angle. I said my GOOD side.”

Tinkerbell was giving life advice to drunk tourists.

Tinkerbell: “Hydrate, sweetheart. And don’t date a man who says he ‘used to be a promoter.’”

At Café du Monde, Piper inhaled a beignet so fast she briefly left her physical body. And she was covered in powdered sugar.

Piper: “I HAVE SEEN THE DIVINE. IT TASTES LIKE FRIED HEAVEN.”

Coco refused hers because “powdered sugar is not couture.” Tinkerbell ate hers slowly, like a woman who has lived through 14 Mardi Gras and knows the consequences.

By the end of the night, the cats returned to the car wearing 112 strands of beads, a feathered mask, a tiny crown, a sticker that said “I danced with Big Tony”, and the faint aroma of bourbon and regret.

Piper: “I want to move here permanently.”

Coco: “I’m starting a jazz band called The Purrcussionists.”

Tinkerbell: “I stole a praline. Drive.”

And so, as the sun dipped behind the wrought iron balconies and the last bead hit the pavement with a dramatic plonk, the cats returned home from Mardi Gras bedazzled, beigneted, and emotionally unstable.

Piper, still fuming from her failed flashing attempt, refused to make eye contact with anyone and spent the ride home muttering, “I could’ve been iconic.” Coco, who had somehow acquired a saxophone and three phone numbers, declared herself “spiritually Cajun now.” And Tinkerbell, wise and weary, curled up in a pile of stolen doubloons and whispered, “Never trust a man in a feathered vest.”

I drove in silence, covered in powdered sugar and regret, wondering how you became the designated adult in a Mardi Gras saga starring three cats and one frog costume. May your beads be untangled, your beignets be warm, and your cats never again attempt public nudity for plastic jewelry. Thanks for reading! Keep smilin.’

Affirmation: I am a majestic Mardi Gras creature. I attract beads, snacks, and admiration effortlessly. My fur is flawless, my paws are powerful, and my ability to cause chaos is a spiritual gift.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#ThisPuzzledLife

darnold1975

Laughing Rainbows

“It takes more than a sign, a fabulous outfit or a month of parades. Pride has to resonate from within; shine out to everyone around you. It has to mean something to you  before you announce it to the world.”

-Solange Nicole

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. As we continue to celebrate Pride, I want to highlight some of my favorite gay celebrity comedians. There is nothing like good humor. It has been one of the top factors for how I survived a life of abuse. Comedy can be raunchy. However, I respect humor in any way that I can find it. And I really love being able to laugh at myself.

I have several personal favorite “out and proud” lesbian comedians. These include Wanda Sykes, Ellen, DeGeneres, Kate McKinnon, Fortune Feimster, Margaret Cho, Jessica Kirson, Tig Notaro and Mae Martin. There are many more lesbian comedians. These are just a few of my favorites. And the lesbian comedic icons Wanda Sykes and Ellen DeGeneres, in my eyes, are considered legends in the game.

Kate McKinnon has grown her gift of comedy, becoming a big presence on Saturday Night Live. And she is truly gifted. It doesn’t take long once you begin watching her to realize that she’s truly gifted. Jessica Kirson is a comedian that I saw for the first time on YouTube. Her style is doing crowd work. It is a style of comedy that engages with and interacts directly with the audience. It isn’t a set routine.

Two of my favorite southern lesbian comedians are Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. These two ladies are truly hilarious. They both incorporate some of the funny things from the southern way of life. Tig Notaro is from my home state of Mississippi. And Fortune Feimster is from South Carolina. You can tell through their comedy that they understand what it’s like being gay in the south. So, when I struggle with my southern reality, I find these guys somewhere on the internet and let the stress melt away. And first thing in the morning, I fix my cup of coffee and turn on the podcast with Tig, Fortune and Mae. The podcast is called “Handsome.” And I promise these guys, for the most part, keep it clean and hilarious. And it helps to wash away my morning grumpiness.

My favorite gay male comedian is Matt Mathews. Another individual from the south that owns his craft. He is hysterically funny! His material is typically offensive to most conservative thinkers. But to make no mistake his material is some of the best in my book. The audience is always roaring with laughter. He’s just beginning to get the recognition that he deserves.

Check out some of these comedians if you’re in the mood for some good laughs. Or when you’re not in the mood for laughs. Maybe it will be the pickup that you need for your day to continue. I used a few clips of Fortune Feimster in my blog this month about my personal “coming out “story. Thanks for reading! Subscribe to my blog and you’ll never miss another post. Keep smiling!

Affirmation: My laughter heals me even if I’m laughing at myself

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife

darnold1975

Budtender Moment: Blues Brothers Motorbreath

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two joints made my night.”

-Unknown

Light the charcoal. Sprinkle the sage. Negative energy go away. Okie dokie! Today, I’m going to review strains that go along with Pride. Since I’m a lesbian, it wouldn’t be nice of me not to mention the part of the parade that I enjoy watching. It’s the “Dykes On Bikes” portion of the parade where some of the most masculine lesbians ride through on their motorcycles. And I assure you that your fragile masculinity could be smashed by some of these ladies. “Lady Lesbians Of The Bikes” I honor you with the cannabis strain with the Blues Brothers’s Label: Motorbreath.

This greasy, yet sexy, hybrid strain was actually named from a song called Motorbreath on Metallica’s 1983 album Kill’Em All. The diesel taste feels like it would be better suited on their Garage Days album. Anyway, what a pleasant surprise to find out those origins that lead back to my favorite heavy metal band of all time, Metallica. The nostalgia of this entire product just floods me with so many good memories. Because the taste will take you back, while the effects wrap you up.

Jim Belushi and Dan Aykroyd actually own Blues Brothers brand. John Belushi was a comedian and actor who traveled with Dan Aykroyd and performed as Jake and Elwood Blues. John Belush eventually died of a drug overdose. And his brother has been building a cannabis business in his honor. Jim Belushi stated in his reality program Belushi Farms, “Had my brother had access to medical cannabis, he would still be alive.”

This strain while definitely “stinky,” with some diesel fumes isn’t as heavy as the GMO strain. And it is ever since of the word “hybrid.” It feels like a sativa until the gassy, indica back end catches you. The strain has a lineage of Chemdog and SFV OG KUSH (San Fernando Valley). This would be a good strain for a lunch break if you can tolerate the indica effects. It’s used for chronic pain and stress. I think that it’s a strain for beginner or moderate users. And more of a “chill” strain for us experienced users. However, at 28.4% THC it won’t take long before it disables you for your entire lunch break. An Absolutely great hybrid in my book. The terpene profile is Caryophyllene, Myrcene and Limonene. This indica-dominant hybrid is definitely 4.25 out of 5 on the rating scale. A uniquely beautiful strain that will help many people no matter where on the continuum you reside. Way to go Blues Brothers!

“Dykes On Bikes” comeback you forgot your diesel! Happy Pride, everyone!

Affirmation: I attract the best weed.

***Don’t forget to watch the video!***

#Thispuzzledlife