“Writing is medicine. It is an appropriate antidote to injury. It is an appropriate companion for any difficult change.

—Julia Cameron

 

I can’t believe that it’s been almost 4 years since I wrote on this blog.  So much has changed in my life. However, some are unwavering. I’ve come to a greater understanding about dissociative identity disorder and how we are to function.  I also still agonize at times to understand why we still struggle. Coach and I still work as a team. I told someone the other day, “Look things could always be worse. You could be my therapist.”  And I stand firm in my belief that she and I are a perfect fit. I get really bogged down in some very painful ditches. And I still get frozen in fear making me too scared to move. But instead of telling me, “Get up you idiot!”  She compassionately inserts her foot into my hind parts urging me to get my balance using her strength to support me until I’m strong enough to continue on my own.

 

My sons Marshall age 12 and Copeland age 9 are still the reasons that my heart continues to beat.  Big brother always seems to be annoyed. Plus, puberty is also right around the corner. Copeland still enjoys cuddles with momma. Getting Dirty from playing in the woods. Eating anything available. Play with Gel Blaster guns and build anything. There is never enough food. And taking baths are viewed as the evil necessities I still enjoy giggling with them during about any topic. I enjoy continuing to learn about how to be a parent. Coach continues to be a strong presence in that area of my life as well. I’m not perfect but me and the boys always find some much needed laughter when they visit.

My cats Coco and Tinkerbell are still our own little support group when the piercing trauma invades my space and rolls down my cheeks when I’m alone.  I still struggle with the guilt of many events from my life. Addiction is still very present in my life.  The struggle on many different topics that are always tapping me on my shoulder and telling me to give up. There are wins, losses and battles that occur every minute of every day to deplete my energy instantly.  Both physically and mentally I will always be one big jigsaw puzzle. I still battle depression, paralyzing anxiety, agonizing grief, suicidal ideations, lack of self-worth and paranoia.

 I have so many things to help keep my mind and soul busy. The healthy burden of writing seems like something I need again.  Good or bad. Right or wrong. I feel that I need to continue to tell my story.  Even if it’s just for me.  I just hope that one day I will successfully understand the concept of moderation.   I do my best to continue to carry on and to live life one day, one hour and one minute at a time.

 

#thispuzzledlife