The Healing Has Begun
“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.”
Recently, I was asked to notice the things that irritate me throughout the week but more specifically in public where I have the most problems. And OMG I must have totally been attempting to be a trophy hog on disordered thinking or something. Because I started noticing that everything about being in public bothers me with the complete spectrum of emotions. I won’t put too many specifics because well…..we live in a society with some real poop slingers. No wonder I have so many different reactions both physically and mentally.
I already know from where some of these reactions stem but some I don’t. At any rate, I still learned something about my triggers. I also learned that I have a lot of work to do before I’m anywhere near comfortable in public again. I’ll just have to trust the next step.
I have isolated myself so long that I’d lost all hope and refused to set any goals. I guess before I set goals I needed to have some time to realize what it is that I want again out of life. What are the things that I’ve missed and grieved over missing in life? Some might not seem big but they were definitely taken for granted.
- First, I want to be able to be the kind of spouse to my wife that she deserves. She didn’t ask for the complications of a mentally ill spouse. I also didn’t ask for the mental illness. She’s a real trooper in every way. And she wholeheartedly supports my efforts to find peace.
- I want to be a mother to my children that’s there for them both emotionally and physically. Yes my children are learning about mental illness firsthand. It’s both good and bad. They are learning how devastating it can be but they are also learning how to be advocates at the same time. They deserve, as well as, I do to be emotionally available to them. They know that momma D is different. And they also know that I’m momma the one who loves them more than my next breath.
- I want my career back working with difficult populations with addictions in some capacity.
- I want to speak to graduate classes specifically about the stigmas surrounding the diagnosis of DID. And how important ethics are and the damage that can be caused from not being ethical therapists. And how bad therapy almost killed me.
- I would like to do public speaking outside the classroom also helping to lessen the stigmas of mental illness.
- I want to be able to live a life free from the torture of my past.
- I want to be able to grieve all these years I’ve held back out of fear.
- Above all I just want to be heard.
This might seem like not a big deal to some but this is still a tall order that I have never seen as being remotely possible. I don’t know what lies before me. I heard someone recently say that uncomfortability is the key to healing and growth. I am definitely no stranger to uncomfortability. But more with the goal of peace at the finish line doesn’t appear to be a difficult choice. The pace will be slow and steady which is the way I would view a ball season or an important game. And well….I’m in the fight for my life. Burning out on the front end just creates more setbacks. It’s also not a sprint but a marathon. Because it took 42 years to become this dysfunctional and to think it can all be healed over night is a miracle only Jesus could pull off. Yes Sarah I do understand. Sometimes all you need is for someone to give you a chance to reap that opportunity. My friends the healing has begun.