And So Our Day Begins…..
“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.”
― Sophocles, Antigone
My body awakens with a severe headache. Legs slowly begin to cramp. Body aches with a detox feel. In my heart I know it’s my body releasing trauma that’s been trapped for many years. I don’t freak out about it because I know what it is. However, it doesn’t make it feel any better.
Session is later this morning. Everyone inside is always on edge. It’s like being in a classroom hoping and praying that your name isn’t called. Somehow the topic turns down a familiar road. Except this morning there is extreme nausea. I now regret driving here but beg for more at the same time. I medicate have taken my pre-therapy dose of phenergan. I also have been sitting outside the office listening to my music and smoking cannabis wax waiting for the relief from some of the nausea and anxiety. I always arrive early just to take time to prepare for what could possibly be discussed. My goal for the day: Don’t puke in the therapist office.
Eating disorder came out unscathed again! Wheww!!!! And none of the ‘yuckies’ today either. Just an intense amount if physical pain with a brain to match an out of control daycare center.
I tried the best I could to comprehend my therapist’s end of the session instructions. I felt like I was in a spinning tunnel. Insiders were really upset, some were mad, sad and/or both. Recent life events has been both a blessing and a curse. My system’s walls have been dropped now leaving me emotionally very vulnerable. Driving has become a topic of concern the last few months. This morning, I can say that I was actually scared to drive. This is the one thing I feel I have left is driving. I don’t do it much anyway because of the symptoms of the condition. This is hurting my heart with this realization of possibly losing some of my independence.
Where did the session go? I was just talking to her.
Right now, my body and mind knows the torture of flashbacks, and the repeated screaming at the top of their lungs. I’m nauseous and mentally I leave there saying, “I’m ok.” Knowing I’m not. There’s a little pride issue I have so there I said it. That’s why I didn’t say anything.
I sit in the car trying to gather my bearings. My head is spinning. People are yelling from the flashbacks. Alters are in an uproar. And all at once, my body begins to cramp all over. I have my music blaring trying to keep me grounded for the moment without drawing attention. I sit for a few minutes and it turns into____? I don’t know what time I left. 5 minutes? 20 minutes? 1 hour?
I back out slowly like a shaky toddler. I know instantly something still isn’t ok. To save my pride, I pull out safely into traffic. But can’t quite understand where I’m going or how to get there. I look up and I’m turning onto the base. Yay! I made it home but how? Wow! Having a moment like that can wake you up. The rest of the day….yea not sure about it either. I’ll get the daily recap later this afternoon from Mel. As far as the rest goes, brief notes telling me what topic was discussed in therapy are all I remember from the day.
So much to discuss, so little time. I feel like I’m doing everything I can. I have even told my therapists which topics I will try to ‘crawfish’ out of because of the uncomfortability. I write on this blog because everyone one of us deserves to be heard fully for once. Hopefully, better days ahead.